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3rd Trimester
SunAndRain
member
thoughts on not calling anyone until after baby is born
SunAndRain
member
Let me preface this by saying that my IL's are wonderful people who have treated me with nothing but kindness for the last 8 years I've know DH.
My IL's share all their personsal medical infomration with each other whereas my mom would seriously probably delay telling me if she were diagnosed with breast cancer. Personally I don't like to be overloaded with calls and questions. So I asked DH if we could not call anyone until after the baby is born. I just don't want umteen calls "Is the baby born yet?" "How are you feeling????????????" "How far dialated are you?" "Still not taking any pain meds?"
I've had a couple issues during my pregnancy, partial previa which resolved and now my baby is breech which means a scheduled c-section if he/she doesn't flip. I've shared none of this with family and have asked DH to refrain from sharing as well; he agreed.
If I have to schedule a c-section then I really don't want to tell anyone that we've scehduled one, nor when it is. I am naturally concerned and disappointed about this propect and I just want to deal with this privately and in my own way.
I'm concerned that IL's will be hurt. I really don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel left out. They will be a very big, very welcome part of Lo's life. But given the openess they are used to they won't understand why I didn't want to go through all this "with" them. Or at least tell them that I know when LO will be born. I just want to maintain my privacy.
Another issue is MY mom. I simply cannot tell her about anything that may or may not be wrong. She FREAKS and then goes off and askes her "New York City" GYN who then gives her some answer which makes my mom think that my OB is entirely incompetant. Because surely her OB knows my entire history and health status and my OB couldn't possibly know how to give me proper prenatal care given that he does know my history and health status. 
Even though I've shared nothing with her other than how well my pregnancy is going (which aside from the two aformentioned issues is going splendidly) she acts like dooms day is approaching, like I'm doing everything wrong and is just a royal pain in the ass. So if I don't tell her I certainly don't want to make matters worse by telling DH's parents but not my mom.
Any thoughts on this? Is there a better way to handle it? Am I being rediculous?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: thoughts on not calling anyone until after baby is born
Is it possible to schedule the c/s and then telling them right as your going in that way you don't have to bother with phone calls?
My step-mom's son and DIL did not tell her until about an hour after the baby was born. I don't think she's that overbearing either. She and my dad were so hurt and he made me promise not to do that to him. I can completely understand where they are coming from though.
I really don't want to be called. At all. Which will happen if we call them before LO is born. A bizzion messages: "are you out of surgey yet?" "what's going on????" I just want some time to rest, recover, be with LO and DH. I don't want the stress of knowing they are just waiting for our call. They are so excited. I just need some space.
Personally I'd do this. I don't plan to keep my phone anywhere near me while laboring so even if they tried to bombard they couldn't. You can text rather than call too, this is my plan, and only to minimal like parents (not siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.)
I wouldn't feel obligated to tell them ahead of time about the possibility of a scheduled c/s afterall it is only a possibility and that's your business. After, if one is necessary, you could tell them why if you wanted.
Good luck!
I can't imagine people calling the mother-to-be while she's in labor. Do people really do that? If anything, they would be calling your DH and he can just choose to answer or not answer, but if you're in labor your phone should just be off and you shouldn't even be worried about it.
It sounds like you've made up your mind though so my suggestion is just to tell the parents that you guys will call when the baby is born and be done with it.
Your inlaws and my MIL sounds a lot alike. My inlaws want to be in the waiting room as soon as I arrive at the hospital to "be close" - they live 7-minutes (max) away from the hospital. This is despite us telling them we don't want anybody in l/d other than DH and medical staff and that we want time afterwards to relax before accepting visitors. My MIL is the type to show up anyways and then try to push her way in after the baby is born (or during labor) so that she can (a) be "supportive" or (b) meet her grandbaby.
So no, I don't think you are being ridiculous about not wanting to call until after the baby is born if you feel people will not respect your wishes.
If you DH isn't keen on that (mine wasn't), then perhaps you can call them when you go to the hospital and then turn your phone off or to vibrate. And not answer. We told my inlaws we would call them three times (1) when we go to the hospital, (2) after the baby is born, and (3) when we're ready for visitors - although we might merge 2 and 3 if I give birth during the day. If they call repeatedly during labor then they'll get two turned off phones. Should there be an emergency (although I cannot think of one), they can always call the hospital to get in touch with DH.
As for your Mom, I wouldn't tell her about the prospective c-section. My doctor is pitching around the c-section idea because right now the baby is measuring very large. Very large. Like you, I'm a little disappointed about the idea and still dealing with the potential. So I've told my Mom (who is very supportive), but not my MIL - MIL is the doomsday type to ask her OB for advice, consult WebMD, and talk to other people who had c-sections 30-years ago to tell me what to do. All while stressing out. I don't need that stress and I don't want her to stress out either. So she isn't going to find out if I have to schedule a c-section. We're just going with "the baby is measuring large" and if she asks whether this means a c-section "well, that will depend on more factors (head and shoulder size) so the decision will be made by the doctors when they have more information". That has worked so far.
Edit - Sorry so long! I swear pregnancy has made me wordy!
YES. Lol. Email, text, twitter, FB unsolicited advice about how to manage labor... there is no limit of ways to annoy the everlovingshiit out of - um, I mean, show your support for - a laboring mom.
Lurking here but I see no issue with waiting to tell everyone. While I was pregnant we told everyone we would call them when baby came with the exception of my dad. If for whatever reason my husband couldn't make it thru the delivery I wanted my dad there.
It ended up being that I labored for 4 hours start to finish and there really was no time to call anyone. I didn't realize I was so far dialated even when I was
You definitely have to do what is right for you and you family.
Our original plan was that when I went into labor, we were not going to call anyone. We were going to go to the hospital, have the baby, and then call our parents/siblings. They all live about 2 hours away, so we knew we'd at least have that amount of time to spend with just us and our baby before they started showing up.
Due to my baby being breech, we are now having a scheduled c/s. I personally didn't feel like I could keep this from our parents, nor did we want to. We want them to know when I'm in sugery so they can keep us in their thoughts and prayers, and honestly... for us it would have been weird for us to keep that from them. We did however tell them that we don't want them at the hospital during the c/s. We will go to the hospital that day, have the c/s, once I'm in recovery DH will call and tell everyone that (hopefully) the baby and I are doing just fine and when they can drive out to see us.
I think you shoud do what you want. Although it has to be yours and your husbands decision. I am in a similar situation as I have 2 sisters and it's always been that we had our babies alone with our husbands and then family came the next day etc. My in laws on the other hand have a bag packed and are ready for the call. Granted they are about 2 hours from us and the Hospital but they want to be there in the waiting room ready to come in when the LO arrives. I want a little breathing time and some privacy but my husband thinks it's ok that his parents be there. I'm hoping the baby comes late so we have an excuse to call in the "morning" Anyway...I don't think there's a right and wrong neccessarily and I can appreciate you wanting to be left alone and to have a little time for yourselves. Good luck with your decision.
My husband called my parents and his parents once it was clear that I was going to be having the baby that day. We got to L&D at 4:30am but didn't call anyone until 7:30am. I'm pretty sure my husband told people "don't call us, we'll call you" and he didn't pick up the phone again until after the baby was born.
That being said, I see no problem with waiting until the baby is born to make calls if you really think that people will be calling and bothering you all day.
Though, why not just call to let them know you're having the baby that day (you don't have to tell them that you are on the way to a scheduled section), you'll call them when the baby is born, and you're not picking up or checking the phone or accepting any calls at the hospital during labor? That way you won't feel like you're hiding something, and you're telling them that even if they TRY to bother you, you are not allowing yourself to be bothered. Then just put the phone on silent, toss it in your hospital bag, and focus on having your baby.
It sounds like you have good reasons for not telling your/his parents about what is going to happen.
I do think you should tell the families something. Even if your mom worries and has a different opinion, it's best to let the families both know you are scheduled for a surgery. You don't have to invite them there, but not letting them know would feel weird to me.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I agree, if you don't want your mom to know beforehand, don't tell ILs or vice versa. That can cause some hurt feelings, knowing others knew but you didn't.
I have experience a few people that didn't tell anyone anything til after the baby was born. One was SIL, It was a shock to get a call that the baby was born. But that we weren't hurt or mad that we weren't given a heads up she was going to the hospital.
IF you do decide to tell people you're heading to the hospital (which we will be doing), turn both your and DH's phone OFF, that way noone is bothering you with questions. And let people know Don't come to the hospital until we tell you to.
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We let every one know we would be sending a text to the Grandparents when we head to the hospital then our phone would be going OFF, and we would send another text after baby is born. We dont want any one to text/call/wait for us, we just want to do this on our own, in our own time.
We do live a while away from family, as we are military, but I dont think that would stop any one from jumping on a plane at contraction #1.
We just let them know they would need to phone tree it out for us...
My MIL is VERY mad about this, and more that she cant get us to change our minds, but we are set, and on the same page. Make sure you and hubby are on the same page a well...
Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!
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We've already made it clear to both sides of the family that no one will be called until AFTER the baby is born and we are both safe. Both sets of parents live 3 hours away so after we are settled DH will call both and the can be on their way.
We also told both sets that there will be NO overnight guest for the first week. If they want to be around during the day without driving back and forth they need to find a place for them to stay.