holier than thou mothers who know EVERYTHING

hooslisa · June 2012

mom's who assume you're freaking out about everything just because you happen to have goals for how you're going to raise your LO. the same women often treat you like you're a freaking moron because you don't have a child yet....or dismiss your feelings or goals. entirely

I belong to a facebook group of mom & pregnant triathletes. a friend of mine is a fellow member. EVERY time i mention an article or a goal of mine, she basically tries to make me feel like I have no idea what i'm talking about because i don't have kids yet. she's like the holier than thou mother from hell.

case in point. i linked the article about the car seats in the shopping cart that scout posted earlier with a note that just said, "PSA: car seats aren't made for this."

she responds with the same old crap she always does whenever i vocalize an opinion of something i will do or not do with my LO...basically that i am just being a crazy, overprotective mother.

"Lisa, don't scare yourself... How else would you shop then? The car seat is heavy and uncomfortable as hell, even with the tiniest baby, it is very hard to carry. Unless you put in on the cart, it is impossible to shop alone. I rarely took Alex to store because he was a screamer. But sometimes I just had to go. Just don't take the cart all the way to your car."

she did the same thing when i mentioned my goal is to have a natural, unmedicated birth. she gave me the equivalent of a "there, there, niave girl. just take the epi."

listen. it get it. it's going to be hard. I'm sure i will have to go off plan for MANY things. that doesn't give you the right, though, to dismiss any goals or feelings i have.

otherwise, this woman is a GREAT friend....but, good lord she's annoying me with this crap.

thanks for the vent. sigh.

texasmeg1 · June 2012

I have WAY too many of these kind of women in my life and my dear, I've just about had it and I will probably snap the next time I hear something like that.... uggggh

kelnyc · June 2012

How are you going to shop?? Um, you could wear the baby in a carrier when you shop until they're big enough to actually sit in the cart's seat. But yeah... she knows better than we do. Confused

Don't let her bug you. She sounds like a peach and I'm sure her attitude isn't appreciated by more people than just you.

bigbootyjudi · June 2012

hooslisa:
EVERY time i mention an article or a goal of mine, she basically tries to make me feel like I have no idea what i'm talking about because i don't have kids yet. she's like the holier than thou mother from hell.

This is my sister, only she doesn't have kids. She's TWENTY-ONE (I had to spell that out for emphasis...lol) years old and has babysat a little boy since he was five months old (he's about 18 months now). So she's had an entire year and a month of experience, but knows all there is to know about kids because she watches this kid three times a week. Every single thing I say, she replies with, "Well, with Luke (the little boy), I do this..." or "Oh, no, that's not going to work." UGH. I babysat for five years when I was younger and have had way more experience, not to mention the ten books I've read while being pregnant, but she knows when kids should begin to crawl better than I do...oh and let's not mention the fact that I have a degree in Early Child Development and Elementary Education.

MommyMelRN · June 2012

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

Try not to let this stuff get to you. I think the best thing that we can all do is try not to become one of "those moms" when we actually have our little bundles of joy in our arms...that and prove them wrong every step of the way, lol!

hooslisa · June 2012

MommyMelRN:

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

Try not to let this stuff get to you. I think the best thing that we can all do is try not to become one of "those moms" when we actually have our little bundles of joy in our arms...that and prove them wrong every step of the way, lol!

i keep reminding myself of this.

secretkeeper321 · June 2012

Ah yes, the never ending "Mom-Petition." Don't you love it, lol. You are building up a good thick skin now...I have a feeling your "friend" will always have an opinion on everything.

I have a few of those "friends" and one SIL like that. We were on Skype with the SIL the other day and DH spouts off...it isn't a competition Sis. I about died laughing.

My defense if either to just make humor of the situation or smile and nod and then disregard anything negative.

Try not to let her get under your skin. Easier said than done.

Nikko Blue · June 2012

MommyMelRN:
I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

By this do you mean you are going right to a convertible?

hooslisa · June 2012

BlueDevilLady:
Ugh, that's so annoying..especially because it keeps happening (and she's just plain wrong in some cases). I wonder what would happen if next time she did it you politely confronted her in your lovely hooslisa way about why she's always making a point to not only disagree with you, but put you down.

meh. for the most part, i'm good at ignoring her. i think i'll just vent on the interweb for now.

kelnyc · June 2012

Nikko Blue:
MommyMelRN:

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

By this do you mean you are going right to a convertible?

I was curious as to what this meant too.

abbyful · June 2012

I agree. I've gotten into conversations with people, and the topic has turned to kids, if I try to take part at all, they just scoff and are like "you just wait!".

(And I am certainly NOT saying "this works!" or "I read in a book to do it this way" like a know-it-all. I'm talking about even sharing ideas on very basic topics. Like when they are talking about what food they started their baby on and I say "we'll probably start with avocado when the time comes", seriously, it's barely even a topic to talk about, let alone imply I'm an idiot because I have an opinion. Yes, I know my kid might not like avocado, but we have to start with something and he has to try it before I'll know if he likes it or not!)

Ok, I know not all methods work for all kids. But why is it so bad to have ANY sort of ideas or opinions on any kid-related topics? Just because my baby isn't born yet means I'm a total idiot? Even those with kids should realize just because something worked for their kid doesn't mean every kid will be like that.

I would HOPE that most parents-to-be have ideas on how they want to raise their kids and have discussed those with their spouse, even if those ideas don't end up working out for them. And furthermore, I think most of us base a lot of our ideas on what our parents, family members, or friends did and it worked for them; trying to imitate the successful methods of others I see as a good thing!

The natural birth topic is the worst. I try not to tell people we want to do a natural birth because I've realize there's almost zero support out there for it. Even people who have only had c-sections, or men who obviously never have and never will give birth, have basically told me I can't do it. The only support I've gotten is from DH, my Bradley instructor, and one co-worker who had natural births with all her kids.

latnprincess · June 2012

kelnyc:
Nikko Blue:
MommyMelRN:

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

By this do you mean you are going right to a convertible?

I was curious as to what this meant too.

A convertible carseat is one that will rear face and forward face when the time comes. Infant carseats only rear-face. And yes I was wondering about that comment about not using an infant seat.

Kinda-sorta playing devils advocate here.. but, in their (and sometimes my) defense, we all set these goals and when they don't happen we get real with ourselves. Sometimes we set ourselves up for something to be harder than it needs to be. So when we see FTM's (still me, as of now!) saying things like "My kid will not be plopped in front of a tv so I can do something" we're like "uh.... yeah good luck with that." Being a mom is hard. Sometimes we have to cut ourselves slack where we can. There are ways of saying it of course without making someone feel dumb. But if you notice, there are lots of mom-blogs who keep it real with parenting and make fun of themselves for what they had set out to do and what the reality ended up being. I'm not knocking your parenting goals, just saying don't beat yourself up if they don't happen. But good for you if they do!

Bemyselfandi · June 2012

What did I miss about the car seats and carts?

MommyMelRN · June 2012

kelnyc:
Nikko Blue:
MommyMelRN:

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

By this do you mean you are going right to a convertible?

I was curious as to what this meant too.

YES! I guess I should have clarified our convertible is rated for 5lbs+, and has an infant insert (made by the manufacturer) should LO need it (although we are expecting a chunky monkey!)

Although, I have to say I know plenty of people who live in Boston and NYC who never had use for any carseat, never mind an infant one.

ccam · June 2012

There will always be someone who will try to trump you or make you feel like they know more than you. And you will always hear, "oh, just wait until... ". It is so annoying, but try to just brush it off or even better, give it right back to her!

I have a girlfriend who is literally due a day after me, so we've been at the same spot this entire pregnancy. Last time I saw her, she asked how I was feeling - and honestly, I was feeling great. If I didn't have a baby kicking me all day and a growing bump, I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. Well, she's like "oh you're so lucky because I am exhausted. Just wait until #2 when you are pregnant, with a toddler." Yeah, I get it. It's not easy doing both, but really?? She wouldn't have said this if I told her I was exhausted and miserable, would she have? Someone will always try to trump you!!

ematthews920 · June 2012

I feel like women who say stuff like that are women that also had similar goals when they were pregnant, and they didn't work out.

I had an epidural with DS, and I didn't have any issues, but I want to try to have an unmedicated birth with this LO. I want the experience. Every time I tell someone this, they tell me I'm crazy. It irks me to no end!

SpruceGrouse · June 2012

ccam:
There will always be someone who will try to trump you or make you feel like they know more than you. And you will always hear, "oh, just wait until... ". It is so annoying, but try to just brush it off or even better, give it right back to her!

I have a girlfriend who is literally due a day after me, so we've been at the same spot this entire pregnancy. Last time I saw her, she asked how I was feeling - and honestly, I was feeling great. If I didn't have a baby kicking me all day and a growing bump, I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. Well, she's like "oh you're so lucky because I am exhausted. Just wait until #2 when you are pregnant, with a toddler." Yeah, I get it. It's not easy doing both, but really?? She wouldn't have said this if I told her I was exhausted and miserable, would she have? Someone will always try to trump you!!

I don't get why it seems that they want to have the rougher experience? Why is it winning if you have a harder time with something? It just seems like so many want to have it the worst which doesn't make sense to me.

hooslisa · June 2012

ematthews920:

I feel like women who say stuff like that are women that also had similar goals when they were pregnant, and they didn't work out.

I had an epidural with DS, and I didn't have any issues, but I want to try to have an unmedicated birth with this LO. I want the experience. Every time I tell someone this, they tell me I'm crazy. It irks me to no end!

this! i think there is definitely some of this at play in this case.

abbyful · June 2012

This also reminds me of the people who, when you mention you want to have kids in the future, tell you how horrible it is, and that you really don't want kids like you think you do, and your life will be over, yadda yadda yadda. And yet they have 3-4 kids themselves... if it's so horrible, why'd you keep having them?!

AggieDaner · June 2012

hooslisa:
BlueDevilLady:
Ugh, that's so annoying..especially because it keeps happening (and she's just plain wrong in some cases). I wonder what would happen if next time she did it you politely confronted her in your lovely hooslisa way about why she's always making a point to not only disagree with you, but put you down.

meh. for the most part, i'm good at ignoring her. i think i'll just vent on the interweb for now.

I think you're awesome, so whenever she runs her mouth about How Parenting Is For Everyone, Always (TM) just post over here and I'll obsessively fawn over your triathalete-ness. Because seriously, if I ran that much and then someone was like, "Now jump in this lake and swim! Then ride that bike!" I'd throw up and cry.

acoop719 · June 2012

kikimo327:
hooslisa:
she did the same thing when i mentioned my goal is to have a natural, unmedicated birth. she gave me the equivalent of a "there, there, niave girl. just take the epi."
I effing HATE people who say that. It's not a competition. It's giving birth. Let me do it the way I want to do it. Grrr.

thank you...*claps hands and gives standing ovation*

MoFree · June 2012

You cannot control the idiotic things that other people say about being a mother but you can control how you react. Why are you giving her the power to get you so upset?

Mrs. Rohde · June 2012

acoop719:
kikimo327:
hooslisa:
she did the same thing when i mentioned my goal is to have a natural, unmedicated birth. she gave me the equivalent of a "there, there, niave girl. just take the epi."
I effing HATE people who say that. It's not a competition. It's giving birth. Let me do it the way I want to do it. Grrr.
thank you...*claps hands and gives standing ovation*

Yes I would never judge on someone's birth plan. It's none of my effing business how you want to get your kid out. Everyone makes their own choices.

kelnyc · June 2012

MommyMelRN:
kelnyc:
Nikko Blue:
MommyMelRN:

I had to lol! Not only do I plan to have an unmedicated birth, at a birth center, BUT we aren't even using an infant carseat, so there will be no baby carrier! I wonder what she'd have to say about that!

By this do you mean you are going right to a convertible?

I was curious as to what this meant too.

YES! I guess I should have clarified our convertible is rated for 5lbs+, and has an infant insert (made by the manufacturer) should LO need it (although we are expecting a chunky monkey!)

Although, I have to say I know plenty of people who live in Boston and NYC who never had use for any carseat, never mind an infant one.

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

abbyful · June 2012

kelnyc:

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

I'm curious how this works. Do they follow the parents out to the car when they are released from the hospital?

sdlaura · June 2012

acoop719:
kikimo327:
hooslisa:

she did the same thing when i mentioned my goal is to have a natural, unmedicated birth. she gave me the equivalent of a "there, there, niave girl. just take the epi."

I effing HATE people who say that. It's not a competition. It's giving birth. Let me do it the way I want to do it. Grrr.

thank you...*claps hands and gives standing ovation*

Agreed. I want to say - the fact that I'm planning a natural birth (which I only revealed because you asked) is in no way a critique of your birth or pain tolerance!

sdlaura · June 2012

abbyful:
kelnyc:

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

I'm curious how this works. Do they follow the parents out to the car when they are released from the hospital?

You have to bring the carseat into the hospital and put the baby in it before you're allowed to leave. Or did you mean how would it work if you only had the convertible?

rp-chicago-mom · June 2012

L12541:
abbyful:
kelnyc:

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

I'm curious how this works. Do they follow the parents out to the car when they are released from the hospital?

You have to bring the carseat into the hospital and put the baby in it before you're allowed to leave. Or did you mean how would it work if you only had the convertible?

What if you don't have a car? If my parents didn't live an hour away from us, we would get rid of our car in a heartbeat.

babypaloozyvan · June 2012

DH and I call these types of people " One Uppers". They know everything about everything and are ( only in their opinions) experts on life. Ignore her.

jillybean7582 · June 2012

I think in some bigger cities that public transit/walking is a major means of transportation the hospital policies are slightly different. My mom is a L&D nurse at a hospital in downtown Chicago and they do not have the carseat policy. When we were discussing how the hospital we are delievering at does not let you leave the hospital with baby until they check not only that you have a carseat but that the carseat base has been properly installed she was shocked. They do not have any policies nor do they check at the hospital she works at in Chicago and it is one of the Major Hospitals.

rp-chicago-mom · June 2012

One of my friends does this and she has no kids. She has no nieces or nephews. She has cousins she watched when she was in high school. It has been 13 years+ since she has held an infant and she knows everything about babies. I have a degree in child development with early childhood education but I need her to educate me. I'm not saying this necessarily teaches you how to parent because parenting and teaching are very different. But I have been around babies before. I was a nanny for newborn twins for two years and for another set for five years yet she likes to tell me how to be pregnant. Part of me feels like this experience will make my transition to motherhood easier on me. The other part tells me that I still have no idea what I am getting myself into and my high opinion of my childcare abilities are going to bite me in the a$$ the moment I bring Tartlette home.

And FWIW I don't want a medal if I make it without an epi. I'm not going for a natural birth so I can play the martyr. My main reason I don't want it--and I may eat my words--is because the thought of being pinned to bed for hours sounds like my own personal hell.

babypaloozyvan · June 2012

abbyful:
This also reminds me of the people who, when you mention you want to have kids in the future, tell you how horrible it is, and that you really don't want kids like you think you do, and your life will be over, yadda yadda yadda. And yet they have 3-4 kids themselves... if it's so horrible, why'd you keep having them?!

In addition to this, I'm tired of everyone looking at me cross eyed when I tell them we are planning on having just the one child. We've both always wanted just one. Sure we might change our mind later, but right now we just want the one. Why does everyone feel the need to say I'll want more? So glad they plan my life for me, takes a lot of pressure off of me ;-)

hooslisa · June 2012

aw shucks....thanks, ladies, for your feedback and really nice comments.

i'm not on a ledge over this situation, but she just grinds my gears.

thanks for letting me vent.

rp-chicago-mom · June 2012

Scout2005:
Baker_Bride:
L12541:
abbyful:
kelnyc:

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

I'm curious how this works. Do they follow the parents out to the car when they are released from the hospital?

You have to bring the carseat into the hospital and put the baby in it before you're allowed to leave. Or did you mean how would it work if you only had the convertible?
What if you don't have a car? If my parents didn't live an hour away from us, we would get rid of our car in a heartbeat.
How would you be getting home, then?
Cab? Still need a car seat.
Biking two days pp sounds like hell. I guess if you were walking home, they wouldn't require them, but unless you live in the city, that seems unlikely.

The train or the bus in which babies typically ride in a stroller or front pack. I wouldn't do this but I have to assume some people do. I live in Chicago so it works.

bellag8212 · June 2012

You should just block her from the stuff that you post...

latnprincess · June 2012

L12541:
abbyful:
kelnyc:

True, but I don't know of any hospitals that will let you leave without one.

I'm curious how this works. Do they follow the parents out to the car when they are released from the hospital?

You have to bring the carseat into the hospital and put the baby in it before you're allowed to leave. Or did you mean how would it work if you only had the convertible?

We thought this too and I made Dh bring in the carseat (car was not close by in a parking garage), baby was strapped in, and the nurse was like "Uh no, mom carries baby out". I think it had to do with liability reasons and she also said something about pictures and blah, blah. Dh was annoyed, lol.. I mean your hospital might be different in that, but ours wouldn't let us.

RuthieClanton · June 2012

ccam:

There will always be someone who will try to trump you or make you feel like they know more than you. And you will always hear, "oh, just wait until... ". It is so annoying, but try to just brush it off or even better, give it right back to her!

I have a girlfriend who is literally due a day after me, so we've been at the same spot this entire pregnancy. Last time I saw her, she asked how I was feeling - and honestly, I was feeling great. If I didn't have a baby kicking me all day and a growing bump, I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. Well, she's like "oh you're so lucky because I am exhausted. Just wait until #2 when you are pregnant, with a toddler." Yeah, I get it. It's not easy doing both, but really?? She wouldn't have said this if I told her I was exhausted and miserable, would she have? Someone will always try to trump you!!

Okay, so there is a great comedian named Brian Regan who talks about 'me-monsters' and constantly one-upping others in conversation...totally worth watching for a good laugh on this topic...here's a youtube link for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiUsfEkVRDY

Enjoy!

ChibiMommy · June 2012

AggieDaner:
hooslisa:
BlueDevilLady:
Ugh, that's so annoying..especially because it keeps happening (and she's just plain wrong in some cases). I wonder what would happen if next time she did it you politely confronted her in your lovely hooslisa way about why she's always making a point to not only disagree with you, but put you down.

meh. for the most part, i'm good at ignoring her. i think i'll just vent on the interweb for now.
I think you're awesome, so whenever she runs her mouth about How Parenting Is For Everyone, Always (TM) just post over here and I'll obsessively fawn over your triathalete-ness. Because seriously, if I ran that much and then someone was like, "Now jump in this lake and swim! Then ride that bike!" I'd throw up and cry.

If someone told me I had to run at all this would be my response. I am not a runner.

holier than thou mothers who know EVERYTHING

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