Inviting others into the birthing room isn't about their feelings. It's about the support and environment that the woman in labor can most benefit from. If that means relying upon her mother, who we'll assume she's spend her entire life relying upon in some sense or another, then how is that off-the-wall? And how is it unrealistic for that mother to NOT feel the same sort of closeness and reliance upon her mother-in-law, who we'll assume has been a part of her life a far shorter amount of time, and to a far lesser degree, than her own mother?
Forgive me if this doesn't apply to some of you who might be single mothers, but won't your DH be there too? Just because he's not physically birthing the child doesn't mean that it's not also a profound and intimate experience for him too. He just has to suck it up and deal with his MIL, but it's totally okay for his own mother to be excluded?
Absolutely it's okay for his mother to be excluded. He isn't the one who would experience complications if something went wrong. He isn't experiencing pain. I get the idea that one day my son will marry someone and then what if I'm not invited - but honestly, I would 100% not expect to be invited into such a private moment. It's not about extended family in this moment - it's about the mother and the child and what THEY need. If a mother needs her husband there - perfect, he should be there. If a mother needs her own mother there - perfect. Whoever she needs is who should be included, and everyone should just go with the flow!
Oh right, I forgot the part where having a baby means it is all about you. Why does your DH's vote not count in this very personal and intimate time?
um...this is HIS idea. HIS suggestion. good grief.
also, i'm gonna say this. i'm having a baby, and i'm gonna be in a lot of pain. DH and i both agree that he and i don't want people who are going to stress me out or cause us both drama.
if that makes us villains, well, bring on the pitchforks.
Marian Abigail :: born 9-16-2012 via emergency C/S
Inviting others into the birthing room isn't about their feelings. It's about the support and environment that the woman in labor can most benefit from. If that means relying upon her mother, who we'll assume she's spend her entire life relying upon in some sense or another, then how is that off-the-wall? And how is it unrealistic for that mother to NOT feel the same sort of closeness and reliance upon her mother-in-law, who we'll assume has been a part of her life a far shorter amount of time, and to a far lesser degree, than her own mother?
Forgive me if this doesn't apply to some of you who might be single mothers, but won't your DH be there too? Just because he's not physically birthing the child doesn't mean that it's not also a profound and intimate experience for him too. He just has to suck it up and deal with his MIL, but it's totally okay for his own mother to be excluded?
Absolutely it's okay for his mother to be excluded. He isn't the one who would experience complications if something went wrong. He isn't experiencing pain. I get the idea that one day my son will marry someone and then what if I'm not invited - but honestly, I would 100% not expect to be invited into such a private moment. It's not about extended family in this moment - it's about the mother and the child and what THEY need. If a mother needs her husband there - perfect, he should be there. If a mother needs her own mother there - perfect. Whoever she needs is who should be included, and everyone should just go with the flow!
Oh right, I forgot the part where having a baby means it is all about you. Why does your DH's vote not count in this very personal and intimate time?
This makes me laugh. With this twin pregnancy, I have been subjected to at least 4 transvaginal ultrasounds, been admitted to the hospital where I had to walk around with the back of my gown open and my arse hanging out, subject to comments from strangers to family members as to how big I am and whether this was planned, and dealt with fainting and bowel issues in public, not to mention being reduced to tears shopping for a shower dress because I can't find anything to wear that doesn't make me look like a beached whale. I don't think it is too much to ask for a little dignity at the end of a very public and undignified time.
My MIL will definitely not be in the room with us. My husband and I talked about it today and he never once mentioned having her there. I feel like giving birth is a very personal thing and I don't want extra people in the room that I don't WANT in there. It will be my mom and my husband and maybe my sister but definitely not anyone from his side and he is 100% supportive of my decision.
Inviting others into the birthing room isn't about their feelings. It's about the support and environment that the woman in labor can most benefit from. If that means relying upon her mother, who we'll assume she's spend her entire life relying upon in some sense or another, then how is that off-the-wall? And how is it unrealistic for that mother to NOT feel the same sort of closeness and reliance upon her mother-in-law, who we'll assume has been a part of her life a far shorter amount of time, and to a far lesser degree, than her own mother?
Forgive me if this doesn't apply to some of you who might be single mothers, but won't your DH be there too? Just because he's not physically birthing the child doesn't mean that it's not also a profound and intimate experience for him too. He just has to suck it up and deal with his MIL, but it's totally okay for his own mother to be excluded?
Absolutely it's okay for his mother to be excluded. He isn't the one who would experience complications if something went wrong. He isn't experiencing pain. I get the idea that one day my son will marry someone and then what if I'm not invited - but honestly, I would 100% not expect to be invited into such a private moment. It's not about extended family in this moment - it's about the mother and the child and what THEY need. If a mother needs her husband there - perfect, he should be there. If a mother needs her own mother there - perfect. Whoever she needs is who should be included, and everyone should just go with the flow!
Oh right, I forgot the part where having a baby means it is all about you. Why does your DH's vote not count in this very personal and intimate time?
If I had a husband who wasn't being supportive or was causing me stress in the delivery room, hell yes I would kick him out or not invite him in! Luckily this couldn't be further from the truth for me, but I know that these types of relationships do exist (just watch an episode of 16 and pregnant). Being in the delivery room is an honor, not a right, for a father. Paternal rights don't kick in until after the baby is born (except in rare situations if it were court ordered or something).
I would personally never exclude my husband, but I can imagine some relationship situations where things are not going well and it might be a good idea.
I'm typically not an "all about me" type person, BUT in the case of childbirth, it's my body, my rights, my preferences, my choice. Because the baby is in ME, not anyone else :-)
she also wants there to be a "family photo-op" RIGHT after the baby is born, in which all TEN (yes, i said ten) of DH's siblings ranging in ages from 20-6, both sets of grandparents, my two little nieces (2 years and 8 months old, respectively) will all gather to hold the new baby and take LOTS of pictures. in my room. right after birth.
I don't know any hospitals that would allow this. Most will not even let children that are not siblings of the baby come to L&D or the PP room to visit.
Whomever you want in the room is your decision. But, I don't understand why you don't just come out and say no to her. Sending an e-mail sounds a little heartless and, to be honest, the cowardly way out.
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Whomever you want in the room is your decision. But, I don't understand why you don't just come out and say no to her. Sending an e-mail sounds a little heartless and, to be honest, the cowardly way out.
They did tell her no to her face, she continues to ignore their requests (by implying that she will be there despite their wishes). At least that's what I got out of the OP. So writing it down is a different method of communication since she's not getting the message, AND it will be in writing where there won't be any confusion come time for the birth.
Whomever you want in the room is your decision. But, I don't understand why you don't just come out and say no to her. Sending an e-mail sounds a little heartless and, to be honest, the cowardly way out.
They did tell her no to her face, she continues to ignore their requests (by implying that she will be there despite their wishes). At least that's what I got out of the OP. So writing it down is a different method of communication since she's not getting the message, AND it will be in writing where there won't be any confusion come time for the birth.
That sounds like a great approach--I hope it goes over well!
Superned, I kind of disagree. I can also understand how a MIL might feel a little hurt if the mother of new mom is in L&D, but I think that's something MILs have to get over. I feel like the birth is such an intimate thing and a challenge, that it's important to have whatever kind of support you really need (and no extra people that might cause stress or discomfort). I think I'm just going to have MH in the room with me, but I've considered asking my mom just because she's been so supportive so far and I really respect her take on the whole birth process--I think she'd be very helpful. My MIL, on the other hand, would not, I'm quite sure. While it's obviously an important time for the MILs, too, I think sometimes the grandparents in general overstep and think that they have a RIGHT to be involved in these things when it's really a decision the parents should be making.
I totally agree with this. I have a MIL who often doesn't realize that my relationship with my mother is forever going to be different than my relationship with her is going to be. It's part of being a MIL to overcome that (of course there are many exceptions where people have awesome MILs).
At the end of the day, you need to be comfortable giving birth, and if MIL would make you uncomfortable, she needs to be the bigger person and realize that her not being in the room is the best solution, whether its what she wants or not.
I completely disagree. Your birth experience does need to be calming and relaxing for you. Based on your signature, this is your 1st child, so you are just guessing at this point what you'll want. You may not want ANYONE but DH there when it comes down to it and everyone involved needs to be prepared for that. Yes, your relationship is always going to be different with your own monther, but it's certainly not easy being a mother to boys sometimes (spoken from someone who's DH is 1 of 4 boys so MIL had NO experience like this). As a soon-to-be-mother of a boy, you will likely one day understand this. It is JUST as much her grandson as it is your mothers and your spouse is just as much of a parent as you. I don't think it's fair to exclude one over the other (baring any major crazy issues), so we chose not to have either in the room. I think it would be insanely hurtful for your MIL to get that email that very obviously excludes her but includes your family. I am frankly shocked your DH is willing to send it.
first of all, i'm having a daughter, not a son...?
second of all, i am SO confused as to why you are not tracking what i've said. DH is not just WILLING to send it, it was his. idea.
maybe i have not imparted to everyone just exactly what the deal is here. she is pushy, she is demanding, she is rude, and she is insensitive to be me AND to her son! i'm not sure why some of you are acting like i am being some selfish b!tch because i'm not wanting my MIL in the room and leaving her poor son out in the cold.
HE AGREES WITH ME. DH is not hurt, he is not feeling pushed aside, he is not feeling like i am being selfish in ANY way. writing this email is not cold and impersonal after we have had face-to-face conversations, after we have said to her multiple times what we want. this is a last ditch effort for her to have IN WRITING what DH and i are wanting to do with the birth of our first baby.
Marian Abigail :: born 9-16-2012 via emergency C/S
Late to this...but I disagree with the posters who think MIL deserves to be there. Labor, delivery, etc.. is such an intense experience, and it's the woman laboring that has to endure it. I really don't see anything wrong with her making a decision with her husband about who will be there to support her.
Yes, her husband is having a baby too- but he's not laboring. It's completely different.
If your mother is going to be a great support and coach for you, then go for it. I think it's pretty immature to suggest that the MIL would have to be there to make it "fair." I would promise you that her MIL wasn't there when she was laboring.
As far as the email - that's your call because you know your family. But I think you're right in not hiding that your Mom and sister will be in there with you. What would you do, lie about it? Eventually she would find out and it would probably hurt more.
I'm also not getting why everyone thinks this is mean to her DH or that she's making him do this.....she did say it was his idea.
FWIW, my DH didn't want his mother in the room either. He would have been really uncomfortable with it. It doesn't mean that my MIL has less access to our children now b/c she wasn't there when our girls were born.
first of all, i'm having a daughter, not a son...?
second of all, i am SO confused as to why you are not tracking what i've said. DH is not just WILLING to send it, it was his. idea.
maybe i have not imparted to everyone just exactly what the deal is here. she is pushy, she is demanding, she is rude, and she is insensitive to be me AND to her son! i'm not sure why some of you are acting like i am being some selfish b!tch because i'm not wanting my MIL in the room and leaving her poor son out in the cold.
HE AGREES WITH ME. DH is not hurt, he is not feeling pushed aside, he is not feeling like i am being selfish in ANY way. writing this email is not cold and impersonal after we have had face-to-face conversations, after we have said to her multiple times what we want. this is a last ditch effort for her to have IN WRITING what DH and i are wanting to do with the birth of our first baby.
Yeah, man, there is a whole lot of reading comprehension FAIL in this thread!
I hear the whole "beginning of important relationships thing" but I just feel like, come on, it's MY VAG this baby is coming out of! The family can and should be involved in the baby's life right from the start, but I feel like that start can wait until after I'm spread out on a table or on my hands and knees... and I don't see how that's unreasonable.
I'm with you. It's my body that's being put on display. If I'm not comfortable with my mil seeing that, there is NO discussion. This isn't about harming anyone's relationship with the baby, but rather about making the person actually giving birth comfortable (at least as much as possible while in labor). Good luck with the email and don't give up if she gets upset. You can do this.
Re: the MIL solution achieved (gotta love DH)
um...this is HIS idea. HIS suggestion. good grief.
also, i'm gonna say this. i'm having a baby, and i'm gonna be in a lot of pain. DH and i both agree that he and i don't want people who are going to stress me out or cause us both drama.
if that makes us villains, well, bring on the pitchforks.
This makes me laugh. With this twin pregnancy, I have been subjected to at least 4 transvaginal ultrasounds, been admitted to the hospital where I had to walk around with the back of my gown open and my arse hanging out, subject to comments from strangers to family members as to how big I am and whether this was planned, and dealt with fainting and bowel issues in public, not to mention being reduced to tears shopping for a shower dress because I can't find anything to wear that doesn't make me look like a beached whale. I don't think it is too much to ask for a little dignity at the end of a very public and undignified time.
If I had a husband who wasn't being supportive or was causing me stress in the delivery room, hell yes I would kick him out or not invite him in! Luckily this couldn't be further from the truth for me, but I know that these types of relationships do exist (just watch an episode of 16 and pregnant). Being in the delivery room is an honor, not a right, for a father. Paternal rights don't kick in until after the baby is born (except in rare situations if it were court ordered or something).
I would personally never exclude my husband, but I can imagine some relationship situations where things are not going well and it might be a good idea.
I'm typically not an "all about me" type person, BUT in the case of childbirth, it's my body, my rights, my preferences, my choice. Because the baby is in ME, not anyone else :-)
I don't know any hospitals that would allow this. Most will not even let children that are not siblings of the baby come to L&D or the PP room to visit.
Whomever you want in the room is your decision. But, I don't understand why you don't just come out and say no to her. Sending an e-mail sounds a little heartless and, to be honest, the cowardly way out.
They did tell her no to her face, she continues to ignore their requests (by implying that she will be there despite their wishes). At least that's what I got out of the OP. So writing it down is a different method of communication since she's not getting the message, AND it will be in writing where there won't be any confusion come time for the birth.
They did tell her no to her face, she continues to ignore their requests (by implying that she will be there despite their wishes). At least that's what I got out of the OP. So writing it down is a different method of communication since she's not getting the message, AND it will be in writing where there won't be any confusion come time for the birth.
I completely disagree. Your birth experience does need to be calming and relaxing for you. Based on your signature, this is your 1st child, so you are just guessing at this point what you'll want. You may not want ANYONE but DH there when it comes down to it and everyone involved needs to be prepared for that. Yes, your relationship is always going to be different with your own monther, but it's certainly not easy being a mother to boys sometimes (spoken from someone who's DH is 1 of 4 boys so MIL had NO experience like this). As a soon-to-be-mother of a boy, you will likely one day understand this. It is JUST as much her grandson as it is your mothers and your spouse is just as much of a parent as you. I don't think it's fair to exclude one over the other (baring any major crazy issues), so we chose not to have either in the room. I think it would be insanely hurtful for your MIL to get that email that very obviously excludes her but includes your family. I am frankly shocked your DH is willing to send it.
Edit: Added some clairfication
first of all, i'm having a daughter, not a son...?
second of all, i am SO confused as to why you are not tracking what i've said. DH is not just WILLING to send it, it was his. idea.
maybe i have not imparted to everyone just exactly what the deal is here. she is pushy, she is demanding, she is rude, and she is insensitive to be me AND to her son! i'm not sure why some of you are acting like i am being some selfish b!tch because i'm not wanting my MIL in the room and leaving her poor son out in the cold.
HE AGREES WITH ME. DH is not hurt, he is not feeling pushed aside, he is not feeling like i am being selfish in ANY way. writing this email is not cold and impersonal after we have had face-to-face conversations, after we have said to her multiple times what we want. this is a last ditch effort for her to have IN WRITING what DH and i are wanting to do with the birth of our first baby.
Late to this...but I disagree with the posters who think MIL deserves to be there. Labor, delivery, etc.. is such an intense experience, and it's the woman laboring that has to endure it. I really don't see anything wrong with her making a decision with her husband about who will be there to support her.
Yes, her husband is having a baby too- but he's not laboring. It's completely different.
If your mother is going to be a great support and coach for you, then go for it. I think it's pretty immature to suggest that the MIL would have to be there to make it "fair." I would promise you that her MIL wasn't there when she was laboring.
As far as the email - that's your call because you know your family. But I think you're right in not hiding that your Mom and sister will be in there with you. What would you do, lie about it? Eventually she would find out and it would probably hurt more.
I'm also not getting why everyone thinks this is mean to her DH or that she's making him do this.....she did say it was his idea.
FWIW, my DH didn't want his mother in the room either. He would have been really uncomfortable with it. It doesn't mean that my MIL has less access to our children now b/c she wasn't there when our girls were born.
Yeah, man, there is a whole lot of reading comprehension FAIL in this thread!
I'm with you. It's my body that's being put on display. If I'm not comfortable with my mil seeing that, there is NO discussion. This isn't about harming anyone's relationship with the baby, but rather about making the person actually giving birth comfortable (at least as much as possible while in labor). Good luck with the email and don't give up if she gets upset. You can do this.