Nephew situation is really getting irritating (long, sorry)

Ginlyn0 · June 2012

So since my nephew graduated on the 3rd, we had implemented a rule that any "earnings" or "gifts" he received money wise would need to go to his budget that we are using to help him gain independence. Basically, I ran numbers and came up with percentages of categories of spending. Like 30% towards housing, 10% savings, percentages towards transportation, food, clothing, and "fun" money. The fun money was 15%. I can't remember the rest off of the top of my head since I don't have the paper with me. We told him that any money he received through earnings, gifts would need to go through these allotments. Basically, he would earn allotments of his money as he met goals. Meaning, at first he would get his "fun" money only and the rest would go to savings for a car. He is working on driver's ed right now and really needs a car. He still doesn't have a job. When he gets a job, we were going to allow him access to some of the "food" allowance in case he wanted to eat out for his lunches, ect. Once he has purchased a car, he would gain access to his transportation money for gas and insurance, with the rest going towards saving for his eventually moving out of our house.

Anyway, we discussed this with him and he appeared on board. He had already recieved $374 in graduation money and spent his allotted fun money. So the rest is put away for what is essentially the car fund.

This weekend he went to spend the week at my brother's BM's house (my mom is technically his SM who raised him w/ BM rarely picking him up for visits). He went to stay with his grandmother because my brother's other (half-)sister came in from CA. Backstory: when nephew was 7 my brother sent nephew to live with her for the summer, she always plays the "disneyland" want to be parent to him. She doesn't have kids of her own and never will. Last time she came in a year ago or so, she took him for the weekend and brought him back with the exact same hairstyle as her, color and all and sent him home with a flat iron....I kid you not. He is very impressionable and immature. My whole family was creeped out by the hairstyle thing even my brother.

I'm out of state right now and I got a call from DH saying he's ticked at nephew and the aunt. Basically, we were told aunt was coming down to give him $500 for graduation. We talked to nephew about sticking to the plan and saving all but $75 of that for his car. He said he understood and agreed. Now, when nephew came home today he says his aunt bought him this stupid anime character cosplay costume that he wanted that was nearly $300 and then bought him clothes (ok, fine on the clothes). Specifically nephew told DH that his aunt says she wasn't giving him any money to save because he told her the plan and she said he had to spend it with her or he wasn't getting any money now. But it's like really, you bought the kid a freaking costume that he can wear .....where? Oh, he wants it for a convention he will never go to. He will never go because he can't afford to go and we sure as heck aren't driving him there....

DH really wanted to call her (he has been calling us from her cell phone all weekend) and give her a piece of his mind because he's tired of everyone "undermining what we are trying to help him accomplish." Here is the thing, this aunt has terminal breast cancer. My brother told me she is terminal over a year ago but they have never told my nephew. This aunt makes outlandish comments to him all the time about having him move to CA with her but nephew has no idea that she could die and leave him stranded out there. She does not have his best interests at heart at all because he cannot take care of himself at this point.

I'm just really getting to the point of being irritated about him living with us and it looking like his dependence on us is never going to end. I know this is not all about his aunt and the graduation money, but to me it feel like she did it to spite us even though we are the ones actually doing stuff to help him. Buying him a costume is not going to help him do anything.... I have actually told DH (while venting) many times in the last month that we should just drop him off on my brother's front porch. Sometimes, I feel like should stop worrying about him and put my kids first. If he wasn't living with us, we wouldn't still be having to share a room with DS. To top it off he, at nearly 20, still gets into arguments with the kids and picks on them and we have to diffuse problems between even though the boys (who he has issues with) are not here everyday.

I just really don't know what to do anymore. It's just a really tough situation all around. I want to help him but it's really hard.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

after the aunt leaves you need to have a sit down conversation with your nephew. a car and job should be his priority. when he told the aunt the plan she should have been supportive, but honestly if he portrayed it like "oh my aunt and uncle are only giving me a little money then the rest is going in my stupid savings account i don't know why they won't let me take charge of my own stuff and spend it my way" blah blah blah, and the fact that she has terminal breast cancer, I can see why she did what she did. NOT saying it was the right thing to do.

your nephew needs to have his priorities straight. he should have been SO excited about putting almost $500 towards a new car, maybe he just can't see the big picture right now?

so sit down with him, tell him a $300 costume is NOT a priority item. if at all possible, return the costume, give him $50 cash out of it and put the rest towards savings. but remember, it shouldn't be because you guys told him too, he needs to want this for himself as well!

perhaps take him window shopping for a used car, so he can see exactly how much a car is going to cost him??

or sit down with him and have him look at some of your bills, see how much car insurance is, a mortgage, electricity etc.

J&A2008 · June 2012

I don't think you can judge the aunt's actions if she's looking at her last months with her family.

My grandma was in a very similar state when she was dying from cancer. I was trying to be a very serious college student and she bought me all kinds of silly stuff. I was a much more conservative dresser at that time and she got me some slutty outfits. lol She asked me all the time if I was having fun in college. She was a sorority girl herself and I think she wanted to make sure I was making the most of my college experience.

Relax. Let your aunt enjoy her family. It's not the nephew's choice, so don't take it out on him.

SueBear · June 2012

I wouldn't go out of my way to drive him places. Let him take his bike or take the bus, get a ride from friends, etc.

Maybe if he were inconvenienced by not having his own car, he would be a little better at saving for it.

On the flip side, I have an aunt who gives my kids money for their birthdays, etc. and insists that we NOT save it. She says it's not her job to be smart with money, it's her job to spoil the kids. I'm ok with that, b/c it's her money to give and set rules for (although I think I'd be upset if one of my kids purchased a $300 superhero suit!).

Ginlyn0 · June 2012

I'm really not trying to judge her and it's true he could have portrayed it differently to her. I was really upset last night when I posted and I've calmed some now. I wish I was at home right now to discuss this with him myself. I think the suggestion to go used car window shopping is a good one. He really has no idea about the cost of things. It was apparent when we were discussing the budget idea.

I'm not sure if he has the costume in his possession right now or if it was ordered online since I'm out of state right now. And I know a lot of my frustration is like Tif said, I'm sort of at the point where I feel like I shouldn't be responsible for him anymore. He will be 20 in 3 months. He is now at home all the time during the day since he's not in school now and he sleeps most of the day. He does chores right about the time we are getting home from work but we only give him small chores (loading dishwasher and sweeping/steam mopping the living room and kitchen areas). He doesn't put much effort into looking for a job, but then again, he has to have a job within biking distance from our house because he doesn't have a car, license, ect. so it does limit his selections right now.

It's sort of the worst possible scenario. Having an adult "child" in your home that isn't yours or your spouses. I mean if you want to get really technical he's my half-nephew (LOL that seems weird to say). He wants to be treated like an adult and we would love to be able to treat him that way, but how can you treat someone like an adult that doesn't drive, have a job, support themselves, fights with younger kids and basically doesn't do anything adult like? We have to chauffeur him around like he's a younger teen. DH and I both had jobs, cars, ect by 16. By 20, DH and I, each had a DD to support (not that we want him or any of our kids to have kids that young LOL) and were living independently from our parents. I'm just saying it's hard to "think" like him to try to reason with him.

This is probably just preparing me for when our kids are older LOL.

lily_721 · June 2012

Uhg... After she leaves, sit down and talk about the priorities and how savings is important. And then limit her unsupervised time with him. Cancer or not, its not ok to undermind you.

My BIL has tried to undermind us in the past. DH and I have been extremely clear that his time with the boys has been limited because he has not respected our rules. He tells we are control freaks and hence his time is further limited.

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Nephew situation is really getting irritating (long, sorry)

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