A Mess Today (rant/vent)

sloannmark · June 2012

I wish I wasn't at work because I can't stop crying. I guess it's a little bit of everything hitting me.

-brother-in-law gave us lockets/keepsake boxes to keep some of the boys' ashes in. Their sentiment meant a lot to me, and watching my husband pour their ashes into each (he got one for me, MH, himself, and my MIL and FIL) was heart breaking. I had also written my husband a card, so watching him read that with tears in his eyes was emotional.

-being with my nephews this weekend brought us a lot of joy but I can't help but compare them to our boys, wondering if this is how they would look/act at 5 and at 8.

-My parents and I are drifting farther and farther apart, and calling my dad this weekend felt awkward. The tension regarding my parents ultimately hurts my relationship with MH, as he is more or less done with them (for good reasons).

-received a book from MH's boss about losing a child. I became hysterical just seeing the title of the book.

Do you ladies ask yourself, as I am, "what happened to my life?" This is not the life I pictured. I don't want to have a "woe is me" attitude but WHY. Why is it that for some it's so easy and for others it's crap? My house burned down two Christmases ago because of a stupid/careless neighbor, my body is a reproductive mess, and now this.

I'm sorry to rant but I am just having a VERY off day. Thankfully we're starting therapy next week. I think MH and I desparately need someone else to talk to.

jbranden12 · June 2012

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. I do ask myself all the time what happened to my life? And why did it have to happen to us? I would say that before this, we had a normal life. We both have jobs we don't love that don't pay much money, and we've both been through things that were difficult, but nothing that we couldn't heal from. When we got pregnant, we were over the moon happy. Whatever happened day to day didn't matter, we were so excited and thankful that we were going to start a family, and that's what really mattered.

You don't have to apologize for ranting. We've all been there. I have days where I don't want to die, but feel that my life has little meaning. Seeing our therapist has been helpful, but so has seeing some of our friends. My bff has been really great at just being there when I need her. We have seen her and her husband out for dinner a couple of times, and it has been nice to talk about something other than how sad we are and TTCAL related things. Even just talking about the food, the weather, anything helps.

Do you have anyone in your life who you can see who you feel comfortable talking to about other things?

foxxy1 · June 2012

First, never apologize for sharing your feelings on here, alright? When I said you could be yourself here, I mean that. There's no judgment from any of us. We have all been there and if I could, I would give you a big bear hug now.

I ask myself that question all the time - Why me? Why now? Why not someone else? Truth is, I'll never know and I'm not sure if I want to. But you have to look at it this way: you have survived your house burning down, you're dealing with your health issues head-on, and you're grieving the loss of your sweet angels. You have proven to be a survivor, no matter the circumstances.

I do encourage therapy. DH and I went to therapy and it did wonders and we're going to start up again soon. It does help to have someone else who's not related or partial to either one of you to help with the healing process.

*HUGS* The first few days and weeks are the hardest but it does get easier over time. If you need to cry it out, go ahead. If you need to break glass and scream, go ahead. You need to let the emotion out.

philfemgal · June 2012

I do the "why me"s constantly. Even before we tried for a baby I was already in a not great emotional place given my career situation. I finished my Ph.D. two years ago and am having horrible trouble finding a position in my field even as I watch tons of colleagues from the same program have great success finding good jobs. I have always felt like a failure on that front and have a really hard time trying to be positive. (I am an anxious pessimistic/realistic person by nature.)

In part, we decided to TTC when we did *because* of my bad job situation. We knew my temporary position was ending this summer and so if I was going to be unemployed anyway I might as well be gestating or caring for a new baby, right? If my career is going to be in shambles, might as well at least create the family we have always wanted. Hah! Life pisses on my plans--now I still have a career in shambles AND have lost two babies.

For awhile I was sure that anything I did or touched would go wrong. My career issues continued after having Alice. I was actually essentially unofficially offered a really great job at one point only to have them change their minds when it came to making an official offer. I really felt like I was cursed at that moment.

My dog also needed surgery a little after that and I was sure she was going to die. Luckily, though, she is alive and well and happily snoozing on the couch right now. I guess I am not cursed--or at least it hasn't reached the dog yet.

I have noticed that it is really hard for my wife and I to get perspective sometimes. I have heard that grief and depression tend to make people very self-centered and, somewhat counter-intuitively, less compassionate. This definitely seems to be the case for me. Sometimes it just hurts so much that it is hard to see that other people have their own issues and that the world sucks for everyone sometimes. We got a little bit of perspective recently when we found out my wife's sister and her husband are divorcing. They got married just two years ago a month after we did. Hearing that really made us realize how lucky we are when it comes to our relationship. Even during this time--the worst time in both of our lives--we still have a great relationship. I try to remind myself of that when I get the "why me"s but it's really hard sometimes.

jbranden12 · June 2012

philfemgal, it's amazing how what you said resonated with me. We also decided to get pregnant because my career was really disappointing but at least I had good benefits so we figured well, our children will give our life meaning and we'll forget about "career" and just have a job. It's hard when you feel like you have nothing.

But like you, I'm so thankful for my DH and am amazed at when we can enjoy time together despite what we have lost.

Bayberry12 · June 2012

sloannmark:
Do you ladies ask yourself, as I am, "what happened to my life?" This is not the life I pictured. I don't want to have a "woe is me" attitude but WHY. Why is it that for some it's so easy and for others it's crap? My house burned down two Christmases ago because of a stupid/careless neighbor, my body is a reproductive mess, and now this.

I'm sorry to rant but I am just having a VERY off day. Thankfully we're starting therapy next week. I think MH and I desparately need someone else to talk to.

I ask why all the time. "I don't want this life." "This wasn't supposed to happen." "She is supposed to be here with us." It's not supposed to be hard to have a family, people do it all the time and it comes so easy for them.

These things go through my head all the time. I'm sick of being sad, I don't want to be sad, but I can't be happy.

From what I understand, feeling despair is all a part of the grieving process. Hope you are having a better day at work today.

philfemgal · June 2012

jbranden12, I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar position career-wise, though it's nice to hear that someone else out there understands. It's so hard when things are going badly in multiple areas of life. Not that a more successful career could ever make up for losing a baby, but it's sort of like the universe is kicking us when we're down.

I am turning 30 tomorrow and feel kind of sick about it since it is a milestone birthday and I just look at my life and think how did I end up here. I do find some comfort and trying to remind myself about how good my relationship is and also how cute and wonderful my pets are. But it's hard not to think "Is this all I get? Do I not deserve career success and a baby as well as a great wife and adorable pets?"

weddedwife · June 2012

Yes, for months I looked at my life and think what happened? Sometimes I still have those moments but now I guess I am just used to the fact that this is my life. I have been able though, despite this horrible situation, to look at the good things in my life and am extra thankful for them. It's a bittersweet kind of feeling though.

As far as your relationship with your parents goes, I know how you feel. Mine got worse and worse until about 6 weeks ago when it came to a head with my mom. It is still not great, but at least now I can talk to them without wanting to run the other direction. The irony is I think they now think everything's fine- its not. Our relationship will never be the same.

MPetraB · June 2012

Seconding what was said above - you never need to apologize for venting/ranting. What you and and your husband are enduring is in my opinion one of the hardest, most devastating events a couple can endure. Everyone who has gone through this understands and everyone who has gone through this has days like this.

I've absolutely had days where I wake up and lay in bed and think to myself, "What happened?! Everything was perfect and now everything is awful." It's very easy to, as my fiance says, derail. There's been days where I can't see any of the good in my life and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's been days where I wonder if I honestly ever will get better since I felt like emotionally I was getting worse. What I can tell you is that it does get better, and you will turn a corner, but it happens for everyone at different times and in different ways. We all grieve differently and we all heal differently, let your heart, mind, and body do what they need to do and don't fight it. If you need to cry then cry, if you need to scream then scream. Are seemingly innocent things that are meant to make you feel better going to actually make you feel worse (ie. book)? Yes. Are you possibly going to cry because the woman in the checkout line in front of you at the grocery store has a beautiful baby? Yes. But it will get better, I promise.

I found reading the boards in this community incredibly beneficial when trying to get through a 'bad' day. If you have the ability to do so at work then I recommend doing it. Even taking 15 minutes to take a deep breath, read some words of encouragement, and see that others are going through the same thing will do wonders.

Hang in there and keep your head up.

XO

sloannmark · June 2012

Thank ladies. This board definitely helps me get through some of the hardest times. Helps me see that my emotions are justified. I started reading the book I received, Empty Cradle Broken Heart, and it helps too.

Today is better (in comparision), and I guess that's all I can ask for, especially since it's exactly a month since Gabriel died.

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