Loss Check-In

Mrs Nice · June 2012

Hello Ladies!

Thank you to everyone who shared in the check-in last week. I got some great ideas for questions to ask, so please keep them coming! Any new loss moms and lurkers please feel free to join in when you are ready.

I would like to send Big Hugs to medblais today on the Angelversary of sweet baby Genevive Rose.

Questions for this week:

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

Family for the most part has gotten closer with the exception of my brother but there's a lot more than our loss to that. Some friends we've gotten closer with and we've lost others. I'm thankful for the closer ones and the ones that have fallen apart we've realized weren't really friends in the first place

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

I try to focus on the good relationships, they're much more important to me

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now? I know it's coming up but we haven't talked about it yet. If he wants to be acknowledged I will and if not, that's ok too.

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? Mac and cheese. I swear I could eat it every day and never get sick of it.

Bayberry12 · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

This has definitely brought my husband and I closer together, and reinforced how strong our relationship is. As far as the rest of our family members, I haven't seen much of them, not because they don't care, but I just can't bear to see them. I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for help.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

One of my very good friends recently told me she was wasn't looking forward to seeing me, because she was so upset and she doesn't even like to think think about me. I completely understand what she means, this is a horrible thing to have deal with, for everyone. Some friends text and email me regularly, others, I haven't heard from. It makes me sad that some people I was close with haven't contacted me, but I know this is upsetting for them, and they just don't know what to say.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

We haven't talked about doing anything. This is a day that is going to be upsetting for me, more so than mothers day. It should have been a happy time seeing my husband with his little girl. But that is not the case now.

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

Chocolate, cake, cookies, anything sweet! I would love some cookies for breakfast! I'm trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so there is noting sweet in the house ahhh.

jbranden12 · June 2012

Morning ladies! Thanks for posting the check-in, Mrs. Nice.

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends? My DH and I have tried really hard to take it easy on each other while we grieve separately and alone, and as I'm sure you can all relate, we have good days and bad days. It can be tough if we are feeling different emotions, like one of us is angry when the other is sad, or one is feeling hopeful and the other hopeless. But we keep going because we are a family and we want to stay that way.

I have always been close with my immediate family, and while I still am, I know it is hard for them to see how much we're hurting and not fully understand. Everything I've been through so far, my parents have been able to help me through, and now they can't. But at least I feel that I can be honest with them about how I'm feeling.

We have seen some friends and are slowly entering the world again, but it is still difficult. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything until they have taken the time to learn about our daughter. And I have closed myself off a little bit. I actually feel bad about ruining people's day by talking about something so sad as my daughter's death. I'm working to push through this, though, and give people the chance to be supportive.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

I am trying more to be honest with people about how I'm feeling. I will only end up feeling more isolated and in pain if I pretend that I am okay all the time. If this makes them uncomfortable or pull away, I am okay with that. I will risk losing a friendship in order to keep from spiraling down as a result of hiding my emotions.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

We will probably celebrate DH and my dad together.

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

Baked goods. Pancakes and waffles included.

Petunia844 · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends? I think in some ways it's made us closer, in other ways more distant. Even though I'm pregnant again it's harder for me to be around my family for long periods of time because of all of the kids. My sister has 3 kids, one was born just a few months before my son. My brother has one daughter, I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL and my son should be about 6 months older than her. So even though they may be closer to us in some ways, we distance ourselves more from family trips and things because I can't deal with it still.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative? Honestly, at this point I just know it's for the best. It makes me sad to think I may be missing out on my niece's and nephew's lives a little... but it's self-preservation and it's what I need to do to keep my stress down. I'm hoping it will go back to a more "normal" situation once my rainbow is born. Right now, I'm just terrified of not getting my own children home with me. My family is really good about acknowledging Peyton, so I know that once I am comfortable being around as much again, he will be recognized.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now? I'm not making a huge deal about it, just like we didn't make a huge deal of Mother's Day this year, but I got him a small gift. It's a keychain and I put both our boy's names on it (current pg and angel baby.) I will probably make him a nicer dinner too.

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? I can't really pick a favorite, I love mac 'n cheese, butter noodles, mashed potatoes....

figgs0831 · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends? I've pulled back quite a bit from everyone. No one understands and they don't care to either. I'm sure that no one will ever acknowledge that we had children.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative? I don't. I'm angry and have chosen to not communicate with them.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now? We are leaving on a cruise. It will kill 2 birds with one stone: Father's Day and our EDD.

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? Oreos! Lasagna, pizza...

Mrs Nice · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?My family and friends have tried to be supportive and understanding for the most part, but it is hard when they can't understand fully (tho I am glad that they can't!) and a few hurtful comments were made. I have had to let a couple of friends go (husband/wife) after all I got from them was "at least you can get pregnant!" The husband hasn't even said two words to me since last September when he found out that we were expecting again. How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?I try to be forgiving most of the time bc I know that they just don't understand but in regards to the above mentioned couple, I don't even want to try. I have bigger problems to deal with. I can't tell them what they want to hear, that their IF problems is more "tragic" then our having to bury our son. Um. No. I'm sorry. It's not. End of story, so goodbye. Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?DH will be going to play golf with my dad and brothers during the day, then dinner at my parents house. Open Topic: I have been hating FB again lately. After I lost Ian I had to stop going on since it seemed like everyone I knew was having a baby. Now all I see is pictures of their one year birthday parties. They all look so happy, learning to walk and talk etc. That should be Ian too. GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? Popcorn! Extra salt and butter please!

BronwynJaede · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

My family is on the other side of the world, so I haven't had to see any of them yet. They have been supportive over the phone and email, but are pressuring me (nicely) to move back home. One of my closest friends has pretty much disappeared from my life, and that hurts. Other friends I lost touch with years ago have come back into my life and have been so supportive.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

Most of my energy is taken up just surviving everyday, so I don't think about it too much.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

My son's father and I are no longer together, and have barely spoken since Jack died.

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

Ice cream - of pretty much any variety!

pb127 · June 2012

Hugs medblais!!

Questions for this week:

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends? I am closer with my mom, treated a little more gently by some people (like my brother and some close friends) and have gotten much closer with some friends. I've dropped some friends who were just AWFUL and renewed some friendships that were not doing well, but those people really stood by me. DH and I went through a really rough time for a few months last summer, but we are much better now after working through it. Our relationship is more loving and open than it ever has been.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative? I didn't give a second thought to friends who were awful. In truth, those people were always ones who weren't good friends to me anyway, so no big loss in dropping them.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now? I will get him a card (from all the kids) and we'll do dinner and likely something like going to the movies. This is our usual Mother's/Father's Day celebration now~ quiet, but we still celebrate.

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? Anything savory and carby... bread, soft pretzels, chips and dip, white mac & cheese, etc.

samakasrc · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends? I always feel like everyone is walking on eggshells when I'm around. They watch what they say and do and its heartbreaking to think that everyone feels like they have to protect me (although I'm grateful for this too). I do notice however, that it has brought some people closer to me, for a lot of people around me I feel like I could share with them so much more than I could before - especially those who were with me during the pregnancy and after.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative? I try to release the elephant in the room by saying something clever or funny. Sometimes I just do it by mentioning how I'm doing now...

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now? I ordered a father's day card online that has 3 photo spots on the front. One is Evelyn, one is him kissing Gabriel, and the other is Evelyn as a baby... I think it'll touch him, but I don't think it'll be painful.

Open Topic: When we passed our 6 month milestone- I was reawlly disappointed that I didn't recieve any calls or texts or anything from anyone not my best friends, not my mom, not anyone. I realize that they may not have known what to say - but send something acknowledging that you knew the date! Something acknowledging that you remember my son! I'm ok with it now, I'm just blaming that people are afraid... but it still hurt.

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food? Usually pizza, or chocolate. I don't usually eat out of sadness/pain though for some reason.

philfemgal · June 2012

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

It hasn't really changed my relationship with my family. They are generally supportive in the way that I would have expected. My mom in particular is extremely understanding and supportive. I feel like she is the only person who really openly grieved along with my wife and I after our loss.

We have found that some of the friends that are the best at giving us support--allowing us to talk about our grief and talk about gruesome medical details--are newish friends who we really were not very close to before I got pregnant. On the other hand, I've found things more difficult with some of our friends we were closer with to begin with. One set of friends visited us and other friends in town (but stayed at our house) a few months after our loss, at a time when we were particularly down. I sort of felt like they didn't know what to say or ask and so they really didn't ask much at all about how we were *really* doing--not the surface "oh we're fine" sort of stuff.

Another couple who has been very supportive so far just announced their pregnancy to us last week with a very giddy email two days after our due date. We talked to them a bit afterward and congratulated them and they did say they realized they should have been more sensitive about the timing/tone of the email. But still, the whole thing sent us down a grief spiral that I still feel stuck in.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

I haven't really coped I guess. Our closest/oldest friends are all living in different parts of the country and we usually talk to them only once every few weeks or less and see them only 1-2 times a year. I am worried about interacting with our friends who just announced their pregnancy. I feel like I can't be as happy for them as they deserve and also that I can't be honest about my own grief because who wants to hear someone else talk about their dead baby constantly when they are expecting a baby. I don't know exactly how I will deal with that in the future.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

My SO is also female so we both got deal with mother's day sucking together. (Luckily we were in a car for 10 hours driving home after vacation so we missed most of the day being on the highway.)

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

Pizza and candy

medblais · June 2012

Thank you so much for the extra hugs! They were much needed. I was on vacation last week (as a way of avoiding this particular anniversary) and so missed the check ins. I got very upset, drank my feelings, and got sicker than I ever did in college; I was passed out on the bathroom floor by 8:30

Questions for this week:

How has your loss affected your relationships with your Family? Friends?

DH and I have a stronger relationship with better communication. I have gotten closer to my family, as they really stepped up the support when I needed it, which I am very thankful for. DH's family on the other hand avoids the topic of Genevieve at all costs, they have not been the least supportive and my resentment towards them is growing the more I think about them. Friends who I thought I was close to have sort of let me down, and I have distanced myself from them a bit. Then other people I had considered acquaintances have truly become friends. People have suprised me a lot, some in good ways, some in bad.

How do you cope with the changes in those relationships if they are negative?

Avoidance. Some of the friendships I brought the topic up and tried to talk it out a little, but otherwise I avoid interactions with these people the best I can.

Are you doing anything special for your SO on Fathers Day or is it too painful right now?

The funeral was the day before Father's Day, so it is a pretty rough landmark for both of us. We chose to ignore Mother's and Father's Day since they were going to be so difficult. This year instead we were on vacation, went scuba diving and got massages.

Open Topic:

GTKY: What is your favorite comfort food?

I don't really have a comfort food. Typically I am the opposite- when I am upset, I stop eating.

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