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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Family not allowed to see baby
My sister's baby was born on Monday. This is the first great-grandchild for our grandparents and first grandchild for our parents and the father's mother. The whole family saw the baby for about 5 minutes a couple hours after she was born. THAT'S It! My parents and grandparents (the child is even named after my grandmother) are very hurt that they have not been allowed over to my sister's house. We are a close family. We are not the holidays only type. My husband and I made my sister an expensive, time-consuming (but awesome) lasagna. Her husband came out to the car to get it. We weren't allowed in the house. Even my husband was offended- and he is so easy going about 99.9% of stuff. I was denied coming to the house last night. Our uncle, who is well known-established photographer in our area hasn't even taken official baby pictures yet. No-coming home pics, annoucement pics. He snapped a few in the dark room when the baby was 2 hours old only. This is her first child and I'm very surprised that she hasn't allowed him around to capture memories -- Every year, she does holiday pics of her dog!
I understand private, quality family time. But my whole family thinks this odd and is very hurt. Opinions?
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Re: Family not allowed to see baby
This is what I was thinking...try to be patient with them. It's their baby and their decision!
Then came a miscarriage March '11
Then came a baby in the baby carriage May 16, 12
Waiting on our second little peanut!
Personally I think you should all just leave them be if that's what they want. She just had a baby after all. I think you and your family are over reacting. It hasn't even been a week.. And you were able to see the baby in the hospital already so it's not like nobody has seen the baby at all. I think you are all in the wrong to expect them to allow you to visit so early on. My family and my husbands family are all very close too, but after they came to see her in the hospital, they mostly stayed away until we were ready for visitors. Nobody took offense.. I really didn't want people coming around that first week or two... between the postpartum pain, bleeding, breast engorgement, BF struggles, caring for a demanding newborn and sleep deprivation, company was NOT what I wanted. Our families did drop by with food, but nobody stayed, most of the time they didn't even ask to come in, they just rang the bell and handed it off at the door which was nice.
Just give them some time.... It's a ton more fun having visitors now that she is older, things are settling down and I'm finally all healed up and back to normal.
I agree with this as well. The last thing I wanted after we got home from the hospital were a bunch of people fawning over my baby. I wanted time with my husband and son.
So...you probably aren't going to like my answer, but here it goes
This is their first child I assume. It is a special time to be together as a family (their new family) and bond. Also, she is probably exhausted! I personally didn't want people over too, because no matter what, I would feel like I had to entertain them (even though you would probably say that she wouldn't have to...some people will always feel that its an obligation if there are people at their house no matter what).
If she is breastfeeding, she may not want people around because she may be modest and doesn't want to have to excuse herself. Not to mention, feel like she has to pry the baby away from people to feed. Also, she is healing from the birth. Either her tummy or her lady parts hurt depending on how baby was delivered. The last thing I wanted was my father in law in the room while my boobs and C-section incision were throbbing
After my twins were born I wanted my privacy and to figure things out on my own. You never get those first few days back, and call me crazy, but I was NOT going to share that time with anyone.
In my opinion its great your family wants to see the new little one...but frankly she will still be there is a couple of weeks. Also, if your sister lets one person over, she can't very well tell everyone else no. So respect the fact that she isn't ready yet and try to understand that not everyone wants to show their baby off to the world right away. Its ONLY been 5 days!
I'm pretty sure I spent most of the first week walking around the house topless. We had some issues getting going with BF'ing, so it was lots of skin to skin and lots of trying to BF (and pumping). LO was eating every 1-2 hours, so he spent a LOT of time at the breast, and the last thing I would have wanted was anyone other than my H here with me.
So chill. When they're ready for visitors they'll let you know. The best thing you can do for them right now is be supportive and back off.
I wouldn't take it personally either, and I wouldn't try to judge. Right now, you're being supportive by leaving them alone. While I realize your family is excited, their world has just been flipped upside down. When we first brought DS home, the visitors were just too much.... we were already getting next to no sleep because DS would not sleep for more than an hour at a time, I had many issues BFing, and people coming to visit were relentless. Even my family, who was just trying to be helpful, caused me more stress. They'll be ready for visitors soon... I think my head started to get through its haze around 2-3 weeks or so.
I will also tell you that with DD, we just didn't have visitors. We said "no thanks." It was the BEST thing we could have done. It allowed us to adjust, and once we were rested enough (~2 ish weeks), we had visitors and were able to enjoy them.
I'm going to be blunt because I am passionate about this. I think your family is incredibly rude and insensitive for not backing off. They have made it clear that they need time to adjust to their new family. Why won't you let them?
The first week PP was the hardest week of my life. I was adjusting to my baby, becoming a mother and felt baby blues at not being pregnant any more. I was trying to learn to breast feed and was basically just surviving.
I was very grateful when our families backed off and let me heal and adjust with my husband and child. We've since then had tons of get togethers and opportunities for bonding.
Back off of them and stop offering fake "help" like bringing food when you really just want to hold the baby. If you want to help, bring the food and leave. You are not helping by putting conditions on things and imposing yourselves on them.
ETA: Ditto what pp said about being modest. I felt so exposed and painful after delivery that I just wanted to cover up my body and hide for a bit. I just had about 20 people see parts of my body that very few have seen and crapped myself(while pushing) in front of 5 people. I wanted to be left alone!
Meh. I took ZERO visitors at the hospital & the first 2 weeks at home (other than my in laws who came over to help with the housework & my mother who literally stopped by the hospital for 15 minutes after baby was born). I'm just now getting to where I want people over.
Different people cope with this new life change in different ways. Some people want to be surrounded by friends & family. Some, like myself, wanted to be left the f*ck alone. I had a serious case of baby blues & it sounds like she might, too. You will all be able to see the baby when she is ready & not a moment before. Don't be selfish & give mom her space.
I think it's normal to not want visitors. It'll take time to adjust and I know I'd want to learn/adjust on my own with DH not with everyone coming and going. Plus since everyone is so close, I think they're probably trying to be diplomatic too and say no to everyone vs. play favorites and let certain people visit. She's probably so tired and sore too, gosh entertaining that way doesn't sound fun at all.
I'm happy both our families are far away and we'll have the first month before we share LO. I think I'll be in a better mood and "share" more.
I think your family is being insensitive and rude to your sister's wishes. It hasn't even been a week yet; give them their space. It is a personal decision to have visitors that early. There is no right or wrong answer to deciding to have visitors, however there is a right and wrong way to respond to a new mother's wishes and you and your family are going about it in the wrong way. When they are ready for visitors they will let you know.
Like pp said, I spent most of the first week topless and in bed. I didn't want any visitors. I got a lot of shiit for it, and some of the actions of my family members really broke my heart because they weren't respecting my wishes. It is my baby, not theirs. My husband and I call the shots and decide what is best for our family. End of story.
What are the reasons for not wanting anyone to come in? Is it because of sickness???
I actually wished that we had just some family time the first few days... Instead of people coming over to hold my baby who I hadn't had much time myself to hold yet. It was exhausting taking care of a newborn and having to deal with my MIL coming over at 7:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night.
I would respect their space. Perhaps just give them a call and ask when it would be okay with them for a visit? Don't get offended... Everone has their own reasoning for doing things especially when it comes to taking care of thier child.
No. It is rude to not respect the new family's wishes, whatever they may be. Good for you that you feel this way, but some new moms wants privacy and bonding time.
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
I tend to agree with this. But that's just me. I don't think you guys are rude and overbearing like some posts have said, it's excitement. It doesn't sound like you guys have been standing on the doorstep trying to knock the door in. With that being said it is obviously their choice so i would just wait it out. Give her a phone call in a few days just to even check how she is handling things, it looks like you are expecting as well and maybe the advice will be great stuff you never thought of. If your family is close I am sure it will only be a matter of time.
My Blog on PPD and life in general**
My husband doesn't mess around with food. He makes serious stuff. It takes major time and effort for this dish, not to mention all the ingredients are expensive because he makes quality food.
A nice thank you would be, come in for few minutes.
As for what she says about visits, she nicely declines.
My mom and aunt may think she has some PPD. It's not germs. She mostly says they are trying to adjust and she is super tired. I live 10 minutes away and I've offered to come over just so she could take a shower or nap. Still a big no.
Back off? Pushy? Overbearing? I don't think you can read. No where in my post did I say anyone in my family was hounding her. All I said is that everyone is really hurt. In fact, after our father was denied, everyone was too afraid to ask my sister about coming over. As for the timeline, they came home Wednesday and I didn't even ask her if I could come over until Friday night. Most of us work and have other things to do than sit at her house and stare at the baby. Jeez.
Again, back off? You must not can read either. No one is being pushy. Everyone has taken a hint about denials from the beginning. All I said is that people are hurt. And I'm not offering fake help. She is my sister. Like I really want to work all day then spend hours over at her house. It's what loving families offer eachother. Its fine she doesn't want to take it. I have plenty to do otherwise. But there is give an take in relationships. Thinking back to some nice things I've done for her in the past, she has acted just as ungrateful, so I'm not really surprised about the lasagna thing. I also think if she is offending people who never get offended, then that is something to think about.
Thank you!
If no one has noticed, I'm pregnant too. I understand her "quality time" and "adjustment period". But I'm not shutting my family out 100% this fall.
Maybe you should read back over my post too. No has been rude because you would have to say something to her for that. Obviously, we are respecting her wishes cause no one has invited themselves over - hence the reason for this post.
Really I was curious to what everyone has done. In my family, someone was always helping the new mom that is why we are taken back by her wishes. We obviously respect it. But that doesn't mean we don't have feelings either.
Then what are you b!tching for? Go about your lyfe and wait for her to invite you over.
Also, lol @ expensive lasagna entitling you to a visit. Did they say thank you for the food? Then that is thank you enough.
Exactly what kind of visitor am I?
You seem to be one of the few with a brain here. You understood my post. Just trying to get a feel for what everyone else has done-with out the attitude. I don't think my original post had that. However, some of my replies you'll have to excuse because of the pregnancy hormones. There are a lot of hormones flairng here- mostly uncalled for.
Oh you are gonna do well here on the bump! I love how everyone who disagrees with you it totes stoopid.
Loling @ hormonal. Stick around cause you are good for a laugh
When you ask for opinions, it's generally considered tacky to call anyone who doesn't give you the "right" opinion brainless. So, me and my non-brain will step out of this conversation now.
Yeah, everything I planned when I was pregnant panned out the way I wanted it to. I'm glad that you hopped in your time machine and checked out what life is going to be like in the future.
You don't know how you are going to react because you haven't had a baby yet. If you don't mind people all up in your shiz pp then good for you. Not everyone is like that and no amount of expensive Italian food will change that.
ETA: And yes, even a 15 minute visit can be too much in the beginning.
Wtf is wrong with you? If she has PPD, back the f!ck off. Once you push a small human out of your vag, have to go home with said human who you barely understand and who cannot communicate his/her wants or needs to you, all while losing huge amounts of blood, then maybe you'll understand how she feels. Or maybe not, because you sound like an insensitive assshole.
Soo.....you didn't actually ask to go over, but you're mad because she denied your non-existent request to go "stare at her baby?" Damn, I hope the rest of your family is better at this whole "support system" thing than you are...if not, you are SCREWED in approximately 13 weeks.
If I were you, I'd knock on her door and tell her "B!tch, I made you lasagna, Let me in." If she doesn't get really mad and spread rumors about her having PPD around, instead of just logically assuming she just went through childbirth, has a newborn that needs to nurse basically every hour on the hour, and has gotten no sleep.
Look! I put the diaper on the baby!
So I guess bitching about your sister who just gave birth less than a week ago isn't rude or insensitive because you aren't telling her that you are doing it. Seriously, did you come here thinking everyone would "side" with you. You sound like an entitled piece of work. Just because your husband made an expensive lasagna does not entitle you guys t have a few moments inside with the baby. For all you know, the baby just went to sleep and your sister was trying to sleep as well, or she was breast feeding she baby.
If you really respected her wishes, you wouldn't be complaining about it on the Internet. Yes, you want to see the baby. You will in due time. For now, get over it.