My niece has planned her own baby shower...help

Gracealexus@aol.com · June 2012

I have written and deleted this post multiple times...but here goes....

My niece who is due in October, just sent out an email regarding her baby shower. She has decided that she wants a BBQ in August ( when I am due but I am in the Caribbean). She has decided on the venue, the menu, the location, the favors and the lil note that accompanies the favors. She mentioned that someone else should host, and that we should let her know who we want to invite. oh yeah she also already decided on the invitations. The email was sent to me, my sister, her dad-who is my dear brother, her mom(not fully involved in her life till a few yrs ago), her MIL and 2 friends.

My sister expects me to deal with this but i am looking for some advice. It seems tacky to me but maybe I am a bit traditional and not really hip to what the 26-30yr olds are doing.

What do you think? How should this be handled?

Here is a blurb of the email:

Hello everyone!!

This is what I've decided so far for my baby shower. Obviously someone else will 
be the host.... But I'm a bit particular so I want to plan it myself (this is 
non-negotiable.... Unless I have a breakdown and ask for individual help haha) 
Although i had tons of fun at my bridal shower and bachlorette party seems like 
it was a headache more than anything for those who did the planning.... And I 
love you all for that but I don't want you all to have that stress again.

So here it is...

poppyseed1017 · June 2012

Ok, I'm 26 and I would never do something like this. If she is planning her own shower, to me, that automatically makes her the host. And why is she telling you all to let her know who you want to invite? Shouldn't she have a her own people she wants to invite?

I have no idea how you should approach this. It seems that she won't budge - I mean, she sent out an e-mail saying that it was her way or the highway, and that it was "non-negotiable". I don't even know what to say to that.

sourapplemartini · June 2012

I don't know why your sister isn't dealing with it. That should be her job, not yours.

Andreabks · June 2012

i'm also in the under 30 crowd (29) and i would never do that! i would not say anything was non-negotiable. i mean, nice of her to try to minimize people's stress, but sounds like a drama queen to me.

i've been a little involed in my shower, the 2 girls throwing it have asked for some basic imput like where we want to have it, dates and the guest list, but since then i'm completly out of the loop.

i'd personaly try to stay out of it unless someone else in the family asks for your assistance or imput on something. as my DH put it "dont' stir up the hornet's nest!" of the crazy pregnant ladies.

Buckeye0810 · June 2012

I am 26 and I would NEVER do something like this. She should be greatful for someone even offering to have a shower for her and shouldn't be concerned with all the details. No offense, but I can't even believe someone with that mentality would have any friends to invite. Very selfish.

Keoh1215 · June 2012

I am 25 and would never ever think of doing this. Neither would my friends. How tacky!

ljanette85 · June 2012

well Im 27 and know better than that... my hostesses asked us what we wanted at the shower... but I would NEVER send a request! Honestly, I would tell her Im busy and cant host. She is being rude

mmdailey · June 2012

Sounds like someone who is used to getting her way. Eventually someone will have to deal with it, but if I were you, I'd lay low unless someone specifically asks for your help. If they ask, just tell them you didn't get the email. Blame the internet. That's how I get out of stuff!

ajoycrane · June 2012

I'm 28 and this is suuuper TACKY. I would just say you have a lot going on in your life right now with your own pregnancy and don't think you'd be able to give her the shower she "deserves". Plus, how miserable would you be if you got roped into it?? You don't need that stress right now!

kelnyc · June 2012

Why would anyone want to host when she has already planned the whole thing? Part of the fun of hosting is to be creative and find cute things to surprise the mom-to-be with. She has sucked all the joy out of it. So basically, they just get to pay for what the princess wants? Um, no. And it's beyond tacky to even ASk for a shower, let alone micro-manage every detail.

Reilly626 · June 2012

You can't do it your due then- she's very clueless and self centered and someone needs to put her in her place.

allardr · June 2012

I'm 24 and I would never do this. Sorry you have to deal with this. I think it's fine AFTER someone has offered to host to help make decisions if they ask for your input. Otherwise it's controlling and rude.

vickyluvssteve · June 2012

stephaniemthomas:
I'm a little older (just turned 31), but IMO this is super tacky and I would stay out of it as much as possible. She tries to make it sound like she's planning it herself to be helpful to whomever hosts it, but that's just an excuse for her control issues obviously. So she's basically saying, "Here's what I want, who wants to spend the time/money to make it happen?" I'm all for the MTB being involved somewhat, but only as much as the hostess asks for. My sis is hosting my shower and she asked me about the date, threw out her general idea for the theme and then showed me a pic of the invites after they had been sent out. That's it. I am no more involved than that and think it's tacky to be so bossy no matter what age you are.

This (and I'm 32). A shower is a favor and a gift, and shouldn't be expected. Whether or not she admits it, SHE'S the host, especially with all of her demands.

VolFanRN · June 2012

Wow - that is very bold of her. I would personally use the fact that you are in the Caribbean and due the month that she wishes to have the BBQ as an excuse to why you cannot host or be involved.

tablefor6 · June 2012

I can understand your nieces point that she doesnt want to "burden" the same people who just hosted her bachelorette party and bridal shower, (i went through the same problem - it feels selfish to "expect" everyone to plan yet another party for you) but i think her execution is all wrong... whoever plans on hosting will need to tell her that its tacky for her to plan her own shower and make something up - "it makes <the family> look bad if you do it". There's no chance i'd conform to her planning every detail and, like a previous poster said, expect everyone else to pay for her ideas... its super rude.

MommyMelRN · June 2012

If it were me, I'd write back and tell her that she is being greedy and selfish!

MandeeFoFandee · June 2012

kelnyc:
Why would anyone want to host when she has already planned the whole thing? Part of the fun of hosting is to be creative and find cute things to surprise the mom-to-be with. She has sucked all the joy out of it. So basically, they just get to pay for what the princess wants? Um, no. And it's beyond tacky to even ASk for a shower, let alone micro-manage every detail.

my thoughts exactly. I would NOT offer to host anything for her... ever. and I'd probably email her back and tell her to get her head out of her a$$. what a brat.

mellosweetie · June 2012

vickyluvssteve:

stephaniemthomas:
I'm a little older (just turned 31), but IMO this is super tacky and I would stay out of it as much as possible. She tries to make it sound like she's planning it herself to be helpful to whomever hosts it, but that's just an excuse for her control issues obviously. So she's basically saying, "Here's what I want, who wants to spend the time/money to make it happen?" I'm all for the MTB being involved somewhat, but only as much as the hostess asks for. My sis is hosting my shower and she asked me about the date, threw out her general idea for the theme and then showed me a pic of the invites after they had been sent out. That's it. I am no more involved than that and think it's tacky to be so bossy no matter what age you are.

This (and I'm 32). A shower is a favor and a gift, and shouldn't be expected. Whether or not she admits it, SHE'S the host, especially with all of her demands.

This exactly. I still know nothing about mine, not even the date. I didn't even know there was one until my bff asked me for a "hypothetical" list and then DH told me not to make any plans for Sunday's in July. This is a gift from people who want to do something nice for you and you should NEVER expect it, nor should you have ANY say in the where, theme, etc.

OP, I would not get involved. You have enough to worry about. As for anyone who does decide to throw her a party, I would tell her the "non-negotiable" is not her choice.

punkrockabye · June 2012

Yeah, I'm 26, and if my parents and DH's aunt hadn't offered to throw showers for us, we wouldn't be having showers.

Gracealexus@aol.com · June 2012

Errrr her wedding was in 2009! So I doubt this has anything to do with her not wanting to burden us. She is displaying such a baby-Zilla....lol attitude and it sux big time. We are not even sure that we recognize her right now!

ToxityRue · June 2012

Her age is no excuse... I think I'm the youngest of the bunch (just turned 23) and I'm sitting here going "...wtf woman".

Like a pp said, I absolutely wouldn't host, wouldn't show up, and if she was LUCKY she'd get a card in the mail with my apologies and a brief congrats. Eck.

dangerkitty102 · June 2012

If it as me I'd probably call her out on her tackiness, but that's my personality. Probably it depends on your relationship with your niece, but sometimes these things are good coming from an "auntie".

I'd say something to the effect of "I'm going to be unable at that time since I am due in August. However you should know that this email is incredibly tacky."

pixieprincss · June 2012

If you have a mentoring relationship, I would address this directly and lovingly. If don't have that kind of relationship, a message like this (though I think phone or in -person is better than email) is short and firm without judgement:

Dear Niece,

Thanks for thinking of me. You know that you are very special to me. Hosting this event isn't something I am up for this summer. As you may know, I will be on vacation then, but know that I will be thinking of you and hoping that you have a great time.

Love,
Aunt X

InfinityDreamer · June 2012

BlueDevilLady:
My advice: stay out of this! No good can come from any involvement. Let them know you're unavailable because you're pregnant/you'll be in the Caribbean/etc.

Indeed.

libra31 · June 2012

VolFanRN:
Wow - that is very bold of her. I would personally use the fact that you are in the Caribbean and due the month that she wishes to have the BBQ as an excuse to why you cannot host or be involved.

This! It seems like she's basically asking for someone to write the checks but they will have no control over how much is spent!

WhitEm14 · June 2012

I agree with PPs. She sounds like she's being selfish and controlling.

Steph73005 · June 2012

Since she sent this to family, is there someone that is close enough to her to gently explain shower etiquette to her? And not via e-mail. I'm assuming she must be excited (since she is due in October and is thinking of this already) but maybe someone was already thinking of planning a shower for her so she should take a step back (well, more than a step back).

fastcarsandfreedom3319 · June 2012

kelnyc:
Why would anyone want to host when she has already planned the whole thing? Part of the fun of hosting is to be creative and find cute things to surprise the mom-to-be with. She has sucked all the joy out of it. So basically, they just get to pay for what the princess wants? Um, no. And it's beyond tacky to even ASk for a shower, let alone micro-manage every detail.

Exactly this! I'm 25 (26 next month) and I would NEVER do something like this. The OP's snippet of the email is just beyond rude. I am the maid of honor for my SIL's wedding and she is totally pulling this crap on me too for her shower and bachelorette and I think it is completely rude. A shower is not a "given," it is a gift. What a brat.

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