Does anyone have IF-related guilt?

liz4paws · June 2012

I am a big blubbery mess today and have already had good cry this morning. I am just having a rough IF day thinking about where we are in life and "who" I feel like IF has made me. I just wanted to get your take on this from you ladies. Do you find that it is hard to stay joyfully involved in your close friends/family members pregnancies/children/family due to IF?

I am finding extremely emotionally beat up and guilty over this today. First off, I don't feel super guilty about not gushing over most acquaintences babies and pregnancies - that doesn't bother me as much. This really just pertains to those that are very close to me and that I love dearly. But lately I feel obligated to try to be much more involved and joyful for my brother and his wife who just had their first child, as well as the parents of our godson who are very dear friends of ours - but I am having a hard time. It makes me feel extremely guilty that I'm not just blissfully happy for them, and then it makes me feel angry at IF because I feel robbed of the joy I SHOULD be feeling for them. Yet instead I really do feel bitter, and fear that they may think I am bitter one day as well.

Neither has said anything like this to me, but in my mind I can't help but wonder what they are thinking about it. Are they understanding about our IF and our distance? Or do they think I am being selfish for not being excited about everything in their families lives? I want so badly to be happy for them, but I just am not. I HATE THAT I FEEL THIS WAY.

Our Godson's parents have been sending us monthly photos of him since he was born seven years ago. I used to love seeing them, and now its hard to even open these photos. I have been trying to take opportunities on "good days" to respond to the emails, or to actively ask for photos of my new nephew to try to let them know I do care. But even that feels forced most of the time. Part of me wishes I could just explain the distance and the pain, but I am also afraid that they might think "why can't she get over herself and just be happy for us anyway?" because I have found most that don't deal with IF have no idea how hard it really is.

Sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to get that out there. Do you ladies identify with this at all? What do you ladies do to try to find joy in your loved ones' pregnancies/babies/families even though IF hurts so f-ing bad?

melkel559 · June 2012

Totally understand, I think anyone dealing with IF can relate. We only discovered our IF issues just a month ago so are still adjusting to it and my way of coping has been all-out avoidance. I haven't seen my 10-month old Godson or other little ones who I am close to in this time frame. My best friend's baby shower is apporoaching & I am thinking about not going, depending on where we are in the process at that time. I am too fragile right now, so it's either blubber & cry & make an jerk of myself in front of people or just avoid it all together. I am hoping to get better once we have a plan...but since we are waiting to see what our options even are, I can't take being around pregnant close ones or their children, not knowing if we even have a shot at having our own. They know about our IF & I hope they understand. But you're right, unless you deal with it yourself, you have no idea.

Citygirl1015 · June 2012

I totally understand where your coming from. I've found myself skipping more family events since my failed IVF because I just can't handle it emotionally. I know deep down that I have to do what I have to do, sometimes I wonder if I'll regret it in the future. For example, my nieces first dance recital was two weekends ago, and I knew there was absolutely no way I could go to that. It just pains me too much to think that we might never get to to do that for our own kids, but ofcourse I feel guilty for missing it.

Either way, try and go easy on yourself, IF sucks and is so difficult to deal with. Do whatever you have to do to survive it.

lincoln79 · June 2012

my sister is 3 months pregnant after ivf.

until this ridiculous IF journey i never knew it was possible to fully feel two completely opposite emotions at the same time.

the best part? i never know which one i will show to the world at any given moment.

(((hugs))) to us all.

emikat · June 2012

Strangely, I don't feel any bitterness toward other people's children outside my home. However, I do within my home and I feel horribly, horribly guilty for it. My DH has a son, my stepson, and I have the most bitterness toward him. Some days, I don't want to have anything to do with him. I love him dearly, but it's like a slap in the face at times that I don't have my own children and here I am having to raise someone else's. I know this sounds terrible. However, I have done quite a good job of not showing all of that. It does mean that it's buried deep inside of me and comes out at times when I least expect it. I was watching SS and DH playing in the water at the beach over the holiday weekend and I just felt so happy for DH that he got to experience this joy of playing with his own child. At the same time I felt so hollow inside that I didn't have that and possibly never will. I felt like crying watching them. It's very isolating.

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