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November 2012 Moms
shutupanddance07
member
Snarky Cousin... Its kind of long...
shutupanddance07
member
When we were little, my mom left my step dad and had nowhere to go, so my Aunt took us in til we could get on our feet. For two and a half years, I shared a bed and a room with my two cousins, who are 1 and 3 years older than me. I say this to illustrate that we are more like sisters than cousins. J, 3 years older and mother of 3, has been full of unwanted but well meaning advice, and just kind of tells me how to do things. K, her sister, is 364 days older than me, and I think we have been in competition since I hijacked her 1st birthday by being born the day before. She has been married for 6 years, and makes it no secret that she wants nothing more than to be a mother. She's having some conception issues. She gets very upset whenever someone else gets pregnant and she's still not. This I can understand. She was upset when my sister got pregnant by accident at 18, and she was upset when her sister J had her surprise 3rd. Naturally she was upset when she found out I was pregnant, because I have some health issues and I think she felt sure it would take me a while to get pregnant. We got pregnant the first cycle after we were given the green light, and we lost it almost imediately. We got pregnant two cycles later, on our next try, and 14 weeks and 5 days later, I'm still pregnant. My whole family is overjoyed at this, because it was so hard for us and I had to make so many huge lifestyle adjustments to get myself healthy enough for this.
I know that was long winded but here's the deal. She won't even look at me. She didn't come to Easter even though I wasn't there because she couldn't stand to even be around my family. She claimed she had a headache. She wasn't going to come to my nephew's first birthday party this past weekend and then at the last minute came anyway. She obviously avoided me, wasn't very nice to me or my husband when she forced conversation, and the look on her face when she first saw me and my obvious bump was awful. Her doctor told her that she would need to do some hormone treatments, stop drinking (she's a bottle of wine int the evenings kind of girl), watch her diet, cut back on her extreme workouts, and quit smoking. At this party, she smoked, drank an entire bottle of wine, and ate cheetos and deli meat. I drank water and ate veggies and a cheese sandwich. I did everything my doctor told me to do because this baby was more important to me than my lifestyle. She has openly admitted that she isn't sure she's ready to give up her lifestyle. So, K, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM??? How can she be so jealous of me and so openly unkind when she hasn't done anything the doctor told her to do? How is it my fault that I'm pregnant and she's not? If she wants it so bad, put the wine bottle down and go on the patch or something! Run a mile a day instead of ten. Don't be mean to me because you can't figure out if you wanna do it or not. That's not fair! I left that party early and in tears on Saturday. 
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Re: Snarky Cousin... Its kind of long...
I mean this in the least snarky way, but you're worrying way too much about your cousins choices. Lots of people smoke and drink until they get their positive test and go on to be fabulous, caring mothers. And cheetos and deli meat are fine to many doctors, even if she was already pregnant. And this was at a party, you don't know how she's cut back in her everyday life. But still, none of your business really.
I'm sorry your cousin is making family functions slightly more difficult. I hope she comes around.
This kind of bothered me...
"How is it my fault that I'm pregnant and she's not? If she wants it so bad, put the wine bottle down and go on the patch or something! Run a mile a day instead of ten. Don't be mean to me because you can't figure out if you wanna do it or not. "
Alot of people have a hard time giving up their lifestyle, it doesn't mean they want a baby even less. A baby is a big life altering decision. Honestly I feel more sorry for her than you because I've been there. It took us 2 yrs to conceive my youngest and I also had a mc in between. I was bitter, I didn't always like being around pregnant women. I wasn't mean to anybody of course, but it was hard.
The wine and the exercising probably help her cope. I'm sure they make her feel better if she can't have what she really wants. Don't take it so personal. Infertility is hard.
I think you need to let this go and realize it isn't about you. It's about her coping with loss an fertility issues at a point in her life when many around her are getting pregnant. Also, though you suffered a loss and I am in no way trying to dismissing the hurt that caused you but it still only took you two cycle to now have a sucessful pregnancy where a she's still waiting. You're still extremely lucky and you did do the right things to get to where you are, which I great! However, it doesn't mean she can't drink and eat Cheetos.
I do undertand you point that I she really wanted it it would be logical that she would follow her doctor's advice and change her lifestyle but only she can make that decision and she is still dealing with loss and hurt which can make it even more difficult to give up the thing that make you happy.
Stop assuming that all of her decisions and thoughts are about you.
Also, your post about her seems pretty judgmental, are you sure that she's not able to read that you're harshly judging her? I would be less likely to be friendly with someone who I felt was judging me.
I'm sorry, I know a lot of people drink, just like I did, til conception. I wasn't trying to say that there's anything wrong with that. It was just that her doctor told her to stop drinking and smoking completely. She has some kind of vitamin deficiency and the doctor said its exacerbated by the alcohol and cigarettes. She only smokes when she drinks.
I'm just hurt that someone I was once so close to is being so unkind. I know I had an easy time of it. We weren't expecting it to be as easy as it was, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even my doctor was surprised it happened so fast. I don't mean to sound like I don't feel bad for her. I just don't understand, if she wants a baby so badly, why isn't she following her doctor's advice. I know her sister has offered to be a surrogate, but she wants to try and do it herself. I don't blame her. I just wish she'd talk to me instead of being mean
I'm sure she hasn't shared each and every little detail about what is going on with her life or her fertility issues. Also if she isn't talking to you than I have to assume you heard these things through the grapevine. She clearly is struggling and needs some space, try not to take it personally.
Also, quitting smoking & losing weight are two of the hardest things to do. Especially when under added stress and was sounds like a little depression. Not being able to do it doesn't mean wants children any less.
What is she actually doing thats mean?
I'm not really sure why I didn't think of that. Now that you point it out, I am tepted, but if what other people are saying is true and I'm really making things worse for her, I don't wanna be the cause of more pain. I thought she was just being jealous and nasty. I didn't realize she is probably upset and angry at life. I don't wanna make things worse for her...
It's not a bad idea to try. At least if talking to her alone doesn't work, you know you tried. Maybe focus the conversation on her to give her time to express her feelings? Good luck.
As long as you reach out in a genuine and caring way, she isn't likely to get mad or be hurt by that gesture. Even just a simple "I'm think about you and miss talking with you" can go a long way. If the relationship is important to you, it's worth putting yourself out there. If you don't care then just drop it and move on.
Not trying to be snarky in my response. If I were you, I would just enjoy my pregnancy, worry about myself and try to understand where she's coming from.
Good luck!
I know how your cousin is feeling. I felt exactly the same way. It's not a good feeling. You hate yourself for being so jealous and you want so desperately to just be happy for all the woman around you who are getting pregnant when you just can't seem to do it. When it gets to a certain point, seeing women who have accidents or get pregnant like it's as easy as breathing really gets to you. It can bring on some pretty nasty depression, and depression can lead to behavioral changes that may seem really weird or even hostile. I've been there...
I can only really speak from my own experience, but I think maybe she's having the same kind of troubles. If that's true, and it's more like what I went through, then know that it really isn't at all personal. She doesn't hate you or any of the other pregnant women in her life. She doesn't hate the babies and children. It's just that seeing that kind of thing can really mess you up, so it seems easier to get away from it and hide than it is to try to make yourself go near it.
I'm not sure why she can't seem to give up her vices, but I do know that, at one point, I had given up a lot of mine and had been doing as much as I could to make things work so I could get pregnant, but the lack of success wore me down and I went back to a few of them for a little while. I eventually got away from them again, but I definitely did bad sometimes when things were really bad.
I say give her the space she seems to need. I know that was what I needed. And, once I was able to overcome my struggles with infertility, the black cloud was all gone and I was able to enjoy my family and friends again, pregnant or not. Sometimes, that's just how it has to happen...
Thanks for that. I think I was having a hard time understanding her point of view. Congrats on your little miracle, and best of luck!!!