Has anyone had an emotionally abusive husband?

mmarsac · May 2012

Did he know he was emotionally abusive? Do emotional abusers get better if they identify it and seek counseling to improve? Did you leave in the end? If you left, how did you leave? If you stayed, have things gotten better? I need some support from others who have had an experience like this.

Bejebus · May 2012

I spent 3 1/2 years with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. He would use my anxiety and insecurity against me and make everything we disagreed about my fault so that I would end up apologizing and he would always get his way plus some. He refused to acknowledge that there was a problem and would "punish" me by leaving me for a few days to "teach me a lesson." What I learned? You can only be emotionally abused if you allow it to continue.

As far as leaving, I knew I would be unhappy when I left him, but it hit a point when I also knew I would be even more unhappy if I stayed with him. And we didn't have kids, so that's a whole layer I can't even speak to.

If he accepts that there is a problem, and you seek counseling separately and together, it could get better. But he has to want to change, and admit that it is HIM that needs to change, and not only you. The only way to get stronger is to break whatever cycle you're in and not allow him to have the power that he wields over you. Good luck.

Kitiara5512 · May 2012

No, but good luck!

Heather R · May 2012

My best friend was with an emotional abuser piece of shits for a decade. A sampler platter of their life included him regularly calling her stupid and a whore, him trying to impose a "woman's role" on her, and her getting in fantastic shape after pregnancy while he sabotaged her efforts by throwing away her healthy foods and telling her he hated her working out so much he wanted her to just wear a bag on her head. He HATED when she got any compliments. Ugh, I could go on and on. To answer you, no, he did not know he was an abuser. He thought he was totally justified in every assbag thing he said. Things got worse and worse with her staying, never better. She tried counseling with him when he cried after she said she wanted out. He just unleashed on her horribly in counseling, blaming her and thinking himself a victim of her laziness and cheating, blah blah blah. The counselor asked her point blank if she was done with the marriage. She said yes. I helped her pack her stuff and the kids' a week later. She moved into her mom's and applied for WIC. He didn't pay child support at all and made her beg for money to get the kids shoes. Their divorce was final in March.

good luck to you. If you are worried about safety, start stashing things like toiletries and diapers at work a friend's. Put aside what money you can. Shelters typically have a feature on their sites that clears all traces of you visiting the site. Be safe.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I spent 15 years with an emotionally & physically abusive boyfriend turned husband. I'd definitely suggest counseling for yourself to talk about everything. It's possible that you & your husband might work through things, but you have to figure out a lot of things either way. GL!

kendra223 · May 2012

My dad can be emotionally abusive to my mom. It's not constant, but it's there. It may sound weird, but they never got married although they have been together for 28 years or so. It's seems to have only gotten worse and a few days ago my 18 year old sister said that he called her fat. When I was 18 he called me stupid. And that's not the worse of it either, he has called us curse words and has cursed at us. I have found myself cursing at myself in my head before and calling myself awful names. Then I think of my dad.

My mom just puts up with it. I don't know if she will put up with it forever though, since it's getting worse and now me and little sis are grown ups. I feel bad for her though and it makes me upset how the emotional abuse also went towards us at times. Again, I suppose it could have been/could be worse. But still, abuse is abuse.

I would definetly do something right now. This is not something to wait on. I would try counseling. If it doesn't work, then it is time to move on. You deserve better and so does your LO.

vlagrl29 · May 2012

they don't change....in fact they get worse. it's always your fault, not theirs. My first husband was controlling, emotional abusive, verbal abusive, and he was heading torwards physical abuse but I got my @ss out, back 1 bag of clothes and called my parents who called the cops. something I never wish on anyone. It's not fun at all. I went to counseling for 2 years and it helped me so much and I highly suggest it for your. I was given the silent treatment days on end...longest time was 13 days, when he finally did talk to me he would blow up and it was scary. I was threatened that he would slap me, i was told i needed to go sleep in the upstairs room and think about what i had done, i was called ***, whore, girls like you are a dime a dozen, and scum of the earth. Most of this I have forgotten about, we separated, he was supossed to work on himself and ended up getting more into cocaine and passed away of overdose 1 month before our divorce was final. Please get help for yourself, you deserve better, and get away from him, it never changes, I had to find that out for myself the hard way. I moved back in with my parents and was SO much happier than with him, that's when I knew it was over. I already had so much resentment and it's important to work on that and to eventually forgive him, having that resentment in your heart is not good.

TiffanyBerry · May 2012

husband/boyfriend no. father, yes.

no, he didn't know (nor would accept). I can't fathom he would ever get better, and I have seen written reports from at least one psychologist suggesting the same. yes, I did "leave" - I haven't talked to him in years.

caveat - my dad's (almost certainly) a narcissist (in the psych definition of the word). I strongly believe that the answers to your questions will vary depending on the underlying issue to the emotional abuse.

numeria11 · May 2012

kendra223:

My dad can be emotionally abusive to my mom. It's not constant, but it's there. It may sound weird, but they never got married although they have been together for 28 years or so. It's seems to have only gotten worse and a few days ago my 18 year old sister said that he called her fat. When I was 18 he called me stupid. And that's not the worse of it either, he has called us curse words and has cursed at us. I have found myself cursing at myself in my head before and calling myself awful names. Then I think of my dad.

My mom just puts up with it. I don't know if she will put up with it forever though, since it's getting worse and now me and little sis are grown ups. I feel bad for her though and it makes me upset how the emotional abuse also went towards us at times. Again, I suppose it could have been/could be worse. But still, abuse is abuse.

I would definetly do something right now. This is not something to wait on. I would try counseling. If it doesn't work, then it is time to move on. You deserve better and so does your LO.

Yes in my relationships in highschool. I dated two different guys who were emotionally abusive, and no it didnt get better but I finally realized that they couldn't/shouldn't treat me like they were on a daily basis with the help of some friends.

I honestly think me falling into that trap in the first place had a lot to do with how I grew up. I watched my babysitter of 5 years as a kid get the crap beaten out of her and her drunk of a husband verbally abuse her for the first 4 years I was there. I was too young and scared to tell my mom (I was 4-almost 9) and my sitter was a classic physical abuse victum who was very good at hidding the signs/bruises, so she had no idea what was happening behind closed doors when I was there. On top of it my grandfather as wonderful as we was to his grandkids, was a classic verbal/emotional abuser to his 7 kids and regulary pitted them against each other. He made them feel like dirt about whatever they did even if it was exactly what he had been making them feel like dirt about not doing before. Classic example, my mom's been overweight my whole life and struggled to loose weight off and on, he would constantly berate her for being fat but then berate her whenever she went on a diet.

The reason I mention this stuff is not only are you setting yourself up for a life of misery by staying with an abuser you are setting your kids up to follow the cycle if you don't go and get help or get out. You deserve better than to feel miserable about you and your life, please get help and good luck!

klondikebar · May 2012

Domestic Violence Network of Greater Indianapolis Navigation Hub: "HELPLINE/2-1-1" at 317-926-HELP (4357)

Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-332-7385

Please seek help. There are wonderful professionals available to guide you and provide you with resources.

pepomntpat · May 2012

Not a husband, but a long term boyfriend. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He stole my money and made me think I was crazy. It was an awful five years. It took a major meltdown on his part where he destroyed all of my belongings and kicked my cat for me to finally leave. Even then, if I had not had my mother and my BFF there, I would have backed out since the police made me jump through hoops to get an arrest warrant. Once he was gone, it was like a weight was lifted and I never looked back. Of course we also did not have children, so that certainly adds a whole other dimension.

I would strongly suggest counseling for yourself. I would not bring your husband along-at least not at first. And if you do want to work it out, make sure you find a counselor who specializes in abusive relationships. This is not a communication issue, it is a power issue and needs to be treated as such. Also, tell your family and friends what is going on. Do not be ashamed. You will need support from people who care about you. Good luck.

violaplayer · May 2012

Numeria11 has it. Not only does the emotional abuse impact the GF/wife, but everyone else too. My adopted grandpa (long story) was horrible to my grandma. And everyone else.

He has not and will not ever change. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior and feels that every awful thing he says to others is completely justified.

Manateearmz · May 2012

KlondikeBar:
Domestic Violence Network of Greater Indianapolis Navigation Hub: "HELPLINE/2-1-1" at 317-926-HELP (4357)

Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-332-7385

Please seek help. There are wonderful professionals available to guide you and provide you with resources.

I wanted to quote this just so you understand how important it is that you call it sooner than later. The abuser will cycle around and maybe tomorrow you'll feel that it isn't "that" bad, or say that you can handle it. No, trust me call this number now. Once you really start digging into this issue the more you'll realize that your situation is similar to a lot of other women. Nothing is wrong with accepting help. It's hard to see yourself as a victim, but turn yourself into a surviver, please!

smerka · May 2012

My SIL is abusing my BIL. It's been emotional and physical for years. He has stayed for the kids. In January, she stabbed him. They are back together, but she's supposed to be completing a therapy program to stay out of jail. Even with that threat (losing her kids completely, going to jail, etc.) she isn't getting any better. She twists everything around to being his fault. Unless something dramatically changes, I don't think things will ever be better. And her mother did the same thing to her father who eventually divorced her. The mother blames the father for everything that is wrong with her life and they have been divorced for 30 years. So while I think it's is possible for a abuser to change, I think it's pretty rare. Get yourself the help and support you need to protect yourself and your child. Do it NOW.

suziqnc · May 2012

fredalina:
I think my mom was emotionally abusive and I know my ex husband was. But the thing is I didn't realize it until after I left him. I knew he was an assh0le but never defined it as "abuse" in my head until later. (WHY is this not taught in schools??? Hello, health class...). As others have said, everything was my fault. If he wrecked the car, it's because I moved the mirrors or let the tire get low. That's not much of an exaggeration. He couldn't get a job because there was way too much housework (yet somehow the house was never clean nor the laundry put away...) He was a d!ck to his mom, too. And I am far from qualified to make any kind of guess at a diagnosis but I do think there was an underlying issue for him; a personality disorder or something.

One thing that was true with both my mom and my ex that is now sort of a warning sign for me: I would always feel anxious on the way home, wondering what I might have done wrong and be yelled at, called names for, or ignored over. I remember being on the school bus feeling happy and suddenly getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I put all my hair brushes back in their drawer because my room had to be spotless. I was allowed one book on the bedside table and that's it. Or the garage door opener would sound and I'd panic, looking around for what I was doing wrong (like having a new drinking glass when I might have left one in the sink; horrible things like that . It was like that with my ex... "What did I do wrong today?" And when I felt that way with a boss recently who would literally yell occasionally over a small mistake and, worse, say he's going to get fired because I make too many mistakes, I transferred asap.

None of these people realize they are abusive. None of them ever changed or likely ever will. The only person I can change is me, and I don't have to put up with it. Neither do you.

You described the feeling perfectly. When you are in an emotionally abusive situation, you are always on edge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My XH somehow always made me feel guilty for anything that didn't go right. I said "I'm sorry" more times a day than I could count.

Definitely go to counseling. I agree with other PPs that suggested going alone at first, and then decide if you want your husband to go. Just remember that once someone has established that level of power over another person, it is doubtful that the dynamic will ever truly change.

jessie spanos scared · May 2012

My mom is like this with my dad. I remember when she would actually get physical with him and he just took it. To this day she is still nasty to him and everything is my dad's fault. He is miserable and we all walk on eggshells with her. He doesn't think he deserves better because after thirty plus years this is engraved in him.

Please even if you are at the point where you don't think you deserve better at least find a way to get out for your kids. The stuff I've seen and heard and continue to see and hear is haunting and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You deserve better and your kids deserve better too.

panicked228 · May 2012

I was married to my ex-husband for 4 years. We were together for 2 years before we married. I was young, he was the first guy to ever pay attention to me. It wasn't a good combination. He was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. He made sure I knew that every single bad thing in his life was my fault. He didn't remember his lunch that I packed for him? My fault. He didn't get a package from amazon delivered when it said it would be? My fault. He got a cavity? My fault. It was ridiculous. He started escalating into a more physical situation about halfway through our marriage. He threatened suicide, I had him committed. He got required counseling (He was military, they made him get help.) It helped for a little while, but then it all got worse. He started punching holes in the wall, forcing himself on me, and blackmailing me. He got kicked out of the Air Force and we moved to my hometown (His suggestion). It got worse from there. He started in with drugs, didn't even attempt to find a new job, and decided he was going to be a "conceptual artist." He invited his friends over to my parents house to do pot and heroin. He even mentioned loaning me out to them. I realized then and there that at twenty-one years old, I was too young and too smart to deal with his BS. Up until then, I thought I could change him, save him. I could make all his hurt go away and help him be the good soul I knew he was deep down. I just decided that I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself, my soul, my being for someone that didn't love me and didn't want to change. That day, while he was out, I enrolled in a community college two hours away, packed up his crap, and left him a note saying I wanted him out by the time I got home. I left for college about a week later. He tried several times to woo me back, saying and promising all the things I wanted to hear. I was resolute and refused to go back. I blocked him from everything; phone, email, myspace (this was quite a few years ago), etc... I served him with divorce papers via certified mail. I finally was granted a divorce and was through with him.

The grass is greener on the other side. It's not easy and it's emotionally ravaging. However, it was the best decision I've ever made. I don't know a single woman who has left an emotionally abusive partner and regretted it. Get out, get help for yourself via support group, counselor, or doctor, and DON'T LOOK BACK. You are strong. You can do this.

franceshouseman · May 2012

I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm slowly taking the steps to get out. I am lucky and have the support of my family. I'm saving money and in the process of getting a job so I can leave.

Good luck.

j_luvs_r · May 2012

My father was emotionally abusive, so I lived it my whole life. That didn't stop me from having 2 long term abusive (both emotionally & physically) relationships myself. I honestly think it is part of the reason behind my staying for as long as I did. It was all I knew.

Like the other ladies, I urge you to seek help. Even if you think you are the only one suffering the abuse, you are wrong. Everyone in the household of an emotional abuser is affected even if it is indirectly.

Best of luck with everything.

timewilltell · May 2012

I'm currently in one and I'm fighting my way out. I really don't think he knows what's he's doing is wrong or even realizes WHAT it is he's doing...but i'm still not going to continue to raise my boys around it.

megzway · May 2012

I'm not but a friend of mine is. Everytime we get together she tells me of how he is with her. How when she walks in the door she has to brace herself and remind herself it's not her it's him. They are in counceling right now and I hope it helps. However, I've met his family & I see where he gets it from. She is also afraid of his mothers words. Last time we had lunch she told me that I shouldn't view her as a battered wife. I told her I don't, however, I do think that if it continues that for her sake & her daughters she needs to leave. That her daughter is learning to except this behaviour and that is what she needs to think about.

Not to mention the time her husband, in front of me, told their 5 yr old daughter he was going to kick her assss because she was acting up. She really wasn't being bad. Just being a 5 yr old and to threaten to kick anyone's assss, especially a 5 yr olds is alarming to me.

eta: he sees nothing wrong w/ his behavior. Everything is her fault. I told her to sit down with him tell him how she is feeling. He won't listen to her.

panicked228 · May 2012

I will add this- Where there is a will, there is a way. I thought I was tied to the situation because I was broke. I had zero money in the bank. The college let me make payments, I got student loans and ended up with a scholarship that helped with my living expenses. Things fell into place. Sometimes, things have to get worse before they get better. Just when everything started to run out and I worried about paying rent and buying food, I found a job that just happened to cover everything. It will all work out. There are resources out there. You just have to take the first step.

mmarsac · May 2012

suziqnc:
fredalina:
I think my mom was emotionally abusive and I know my ex husband was. But the thing is I didn't realize it until after I left him. I knew he was an assh0le but never defined it as "abuse" in my head until later. (WHY is this not taught in schools??? Hello, health class...). As others have said, everything was my fault. If he wrecked the car, it's because I moved the mirrors or let the tire get low. That's not much of an exaggeration. He couldn't get a job because there was way too much housework (yet somehow the house was never clean nor the laundry put away...) He was a d!ck to his mom, too. And I am far from qualified to make any kind of guess at a diagnosis but I do think there was an underlying issue for him; a personality disorder or something.

One thing that was true with both my mom and my ex that is now sort of a warning sign for me: I would always feel anxious on the way home, wondering what I might have done wrong and be yelled at, called names for, or ignored over. I remember being on the school bus feeling happy and suddenly getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I put all my hair brushes back in their drawer because my room had to be spotless. I was allowed one book on the bedside table and that's it. Or the garage door opener would sound and I'd panic, looking around for what I was doing wrong (like having a new drinking glass when I might have left one in the sink; horrible things like that . It was like that with my ex... "What did I do wrong today?" And when I felt that way with a boss recently who would literally yell occasionally over a small mistake and, worse, say he's going to get fired because I make too many mistakes, I transferred asap.

None of these people realize they are abusive. None of them ever changed or likely ever will. The only person I can change is me, and I don't have to put up with it. Neither do you.

You described the feeling perfectly. When you are in an emotionally abusive situation, you are always on edge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My XH somehow always made me feel guilty for anything that didn't go right. I said "I'm sorry" more times a day than I could count.

Definitely go to counseling. I agree with other PPs that suggested going alone at first, and then decide if you want your husband to go. Just remember that once someone has established that level of power over another person, it is doubtful that the dynamic will ever truly change.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Always waiting for what will go wrong. I made lasagna from scratch last weekend for the first time. I was really proud of it, and he told me I made too much and it was wasteful. I get this feeling of dread every time I pull up to the house. I'm looking for help. I have an escape plan and a therapist set up. This won't continue, but I'm so scared about being on my own.

LadyXaverian · May 2012

I just wanted to extend my support. I've not been through this but my sister and 2 of my best friends have. I'm in tears just reading some of the responses. You deserve better. I hope you find the help you need.

I think all of you ladies who have been through this are so courageous and strong to have gotten out. I can not imagine how hard it is. Emotional abuse is especially tricky because it is often disguised as something else.

((Hugs)) to everyone.

BrittKav · May 2012

mmarsac:
suziqnc:
fredalina:
I think my mom was emotionally abusive and I know my ex husband was. But the thing is I didn't realize it until after I left him. I knew he was an assh0le but never defined it as "abuse" in my head until later. (WHY is this not taught in schools??? Hello, health class...). As others have said, everything was my fault. If he wrecked the car, it's because I moved the mirrors or let the tire get low. That's not much of an exaggeration. He couldn't get a job because there was way too much housework (yet somehow the house was never clean nor the laundry put away...) He was a d!ck to his mom, too. And I am far from qualified to make any kind of guess at a diagnosis but I do think there was an underlying issue for him; a personality disorder or something.

One thing that was true with both my mom and my ex that is now sort of a warning sign for me: I would always feel anxious on the way home, wondering what I might have done wrong and be yelled at, called names for, or ignored over. I remember being on the school bus feeling happy and suddenly getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I put all my hair brushes back in their drawer because my room had to be spotless. I was allowed one book on the bedside table and that's it. Or the garage door opener would sound and I'd panic, looking around for what I was doing wrong (like having a new drinking glass when I might have left one in the sink; horrible things like that . It was like that with my ex... "What did I do wrong today?" And when I felt that way with a boss recently who would literally yell occasionally over a small mistake and, worse, say he's going to get fired because I make too many mistakes, I transferred asap.

None of these people realize they are abusive. None of them ever changed or likely ever will. The only person I can change is me, and I don't have to put up with it. Neither do you.

You described the feeling perfectly. When you are in an emotionally abusive situation, you are always on edge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My XH somehow always made me feel guilty for anything that didn't go right. I said "I'm sorry" more times a day than I could count.

Definitely go to counseling. I agree with other PPs that suggested going alone at first, and then decide if you want your husband to go. Just remember that once someone has established that level of power over another person, it is doubtful that the dynamic will ever truly change.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Always waiting for what will go wrong. I made lasagna from scratch last weekend for the first time. I was really proud of it, and he told me I made too much and it was wasteful. I get this feeling of dread every time I pull up to the house. I'm looking for help. I have an escape plan and a therapist set up. This won't continue, but I'm so scared about being on my own.

You are a smart, strong, capable woman and you are doing yourself and your daughter such a huge favor by getting out. You can do it, and you will be so proud of yourself when you do!

LadybugPicnic2011 · May 2012

mmarsac:

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Always waiting for what will go wrong. I made lasagna from scratch last weekend for the first time. I was really proud of it, and he told me I made too much and it was wasteful. I get this feeling of dread every time I pull up to the house. I'm looking for help. I have an escape plan and a therapist set up. This won't continue, but I'm so scared about being on my own.

I have been in an emotional and physically abusive relationship and I got out as a parent. It is hard but you can do it. Work on setting up a support system of family/friends. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

suziqnc · May 2012

mmarsac:

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Always waiting for what will go wrong. I made lasagna from scratch last weekend for the first time. I was really proud of it, and he told me I made too much and it was wasteful. I get this feeling of dread every time I pull up to the house. I'm looking for help. I have an escape plan and a therapist set up. This won't continue, but I'm so scared about being on my own.

The unknown is scary. Thinking of what those first few weeks after you leave will be like is scary. Trust me, it is so worth it. The first few weeks are hard, because you have to learn to let go. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end, so that is something you have to come to terms with (I know the idea that my marriage would be over held me in place for too long). Once you are out of the situation, you will wonder why you waited so long. Being on your own is so freeing, and you cannot begin to heal until you are. It is such a good feeling to be able to do what you want, when you want to do it, and only have to answer to yourself. If you want to make enough lasagna to feed an army, that is your decision, and you don't have to put up with H's b1tching about the leftovers. Make sure that you have a support system if possible. My friends and family where my strength. If you don't have that IRL, then you at least have it here.

Another thing, that may help keep you strong, is to keep a log for a few days of all the abusive things he says to you during that day. That way, if you start to second guess yourself, or start to feel weak, you can look back and remind yourself of what it is you are really leaving. Good luck! T's & P's.

AverysMom1118 · May 2012

Great link with a lot of information including the cycle of abuse. It really helped me when I was second guessing myself and unsure if I was a victim. It was like this site was made for my relationship.

https://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

KJmashup · May 2012

Mom2Oli:
yes, first husband. He knew what he was doing, he did it to more than just me. I left after the emotional turned into physical one day and I realized what a bad situation I'd gotten myself into. Have never looked back or tried to find out if he's alive or dead.
get help, get counseling and then get out if he shows no signs of accepting his behavior or being accountable for it and changing. A lot of abusers will show remorse when faced with the thought of the other person leaving or in front of other people but revert to their old behavior when alone with you.
Be careful and safe.

This exactly.

acesup · May 2012

I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend who bordered on physical abuse, at which point I left. I also work with victims of abuse (all types) as a social worker. I would say that in some instances the abuser may be under some stress or suffering from mental illness and therefore may not realize they are being abusive. Some abusers do benefit from counseling and are able to learn to change their behaviors with a lot of cognitive/behavioral therapy.

Is this a new thing with your husband? Did it come out of nowhere? Can you think of any recent change or event that may have brought it on? Have you discussed it with him? It is your choice if you want to attempt to address it and offer counseling as a resolution, that is if you feel safe doing so.

Please remember that so often, psychological abuse can lead to physical abuse. and if he is apologetic after an episode, that it is part of the cycle of abuse and does not mean it won't happen again. Psychological abuse can have serious long-term effects on you, and regardless of what you decide to do, you should seek counseling. Please look into your options and remember that psychological abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. get help, and if you have to - get out! there are options and places that you can go. Contact your local social services or police department.

edited for spelling

vlagrl29 · May 2012

you can do it, it is such a liberating feeling once you get rid of his ass and create your own life. life is short, don't waste it walking on eggshells....that's how i felt all.the.damn.time!

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