Do you ever feel less valuable (warning long pregnant-hormone induced vent inside)

ToastieSimons · May 2012

because you have the "defective" kid?

DH's family PRIDES themselves on academics and physical skills.

I feel like we're constantly hearing about so and so's master's degree, and cousin's kids whose team won the teeball championship. MIL has repeatedly asked me what sports he'll play when he's older and I've had to tell her multiple times that he won't be playing sports. (he has hypertonia and mental retardation, he still doesn't walk).

Whenever we see any of DH's family they always ask us about DS because MIL never talks about him. Both MIL and FIL are minimally involved in DS's life, they seem to like the "idea" of being grandparents more than being grandparents. MIL will call DH (maybe once a month) to discuss the ins and outs of SIL's fiasco of a love life (despite DH being adamant he doens't want to be involved) and yet she knew DS had a sedated MRI that morning and didn't even ask how he was feeling. If he's under the weather they just opt "to see him when he feels better" even though they only see him a few tmes a year. They barely interact with him when they are around.

I know a lot of this is hormones, but I just feel like we're swept under the rug because of DS's special needs. Like he isn't a valuable member of the family because he can't bring anything for them to brag about to the party. It also has me petrified if this baby is NT. Are they going to value this child if he's able to give them what they want as bragging rights? Are they going to completely give up on DS because his younger brother provides the interaction and the payoff that as grandparents they feel they deserve?

How do you keep balance between NT and special needs?

carlinlp · May 2012

This is a tough one. I feel like I have to try harder to level things out for the sake of our NT child. I think that since so many things were and are easy for him, that less focus is put on him. Especially because he's so much older. With grandparents, if they start to focus more on your child without special needs, try to level the playing field. Be prideful and vocal of each child's accomplishments and hopefully they will follow suit.

st.augbride · May 2012

Yeah, can't blame the hormones on this one. This would hurt me as well. Your child is NOT defective, just different, and there is plenty of room in this world for all of us to be here and be deeply loved. They need to broaden their limited understanding of what love and success mean, though if having a special needs grandchild can't do that, I'm not sure that anything can. My mom doesn't share those issues, but has a whole host of others that causes her to leave us disappointed time and time again in her "grandparent" and lately even "parent" role. We just adjust our expectations accordingly of her behavior and rely heavily on dh's folks instead. It's hard, but people are funny and stubborn and often very stuck in their ways with little self-awareness. I'm sure they feel uncomfortable around you guys, but then maybe aren't as aware of it enough to work on it and improve things. I think changing your expectations is the best you can do.

adge1119 · May 2012

i don't think our families necessarily feel less "pride" for our son but what bothers me the most is that we seem to get the "we feel sorry for you" attitudes rather than the "we are happy for you". this is mainly extended family...it's really hard for me because i feel like everyone is happy for SIL's (one is expecting a new baby next month-a boy-and it will be very hard to adjust to that because this will be the second grandson but he will be NT) yet feels sorry for us like we've been handed the shitty stick. i do think we got the shitty end of the stick but you know what, we got it, we washed our hands, and moved on.

it's hard, i can't lie but our son is still a little boy. he will never play sports, never get to go to a mainstream school, never get married but you know what, happiness for us is seeing him smile every day. i think people miss the fact that regardless of diagnosis or struggles they are KIDS. i refuse to let what my son has take away from me enjoying my child. sure, we cannot just go to the park, etc like everyone else and it does wear on you but i am certainly not going to sit around and feel sorry myself (been there done that and i regret every minute because i feel like i missed out on his newborn stage).

that's a lot of rambling i just did, anyway my point is that you should not let your in-law's or family make you or your son feel like any less. i know that's easier said than done...but if you have to say something then say it and don't feel bad for saying it. life is too short and goes by too fast.

Assembly_Reqd · May 2012

I get more of what Adge gets. "Aww you are such a great mom!...blah blah We are so proud of you...blah blah blah"

I get it that our normal seems hard to them, but I am in no way super mom. I mean it's not like you birth a kid with SN and you can say "Ummm, no thanks. Please take this one back. I'll take that cutie over there. Yep, the NT one please! Thanks!"

We always try and give the grandparents *something* to brag about or fun information/stories they can share with their cronies. DH likes to tell his parents about grocery shopping with Nate and how he was "all up in some old ladies face tellin' her to quit blocking the aisle" when actually he was just doing one of his "shout outs". We get a lot of "How's Nate doing?" which is so general and can be overwhelming to figure out how to answer. Lately it has gotten easier because he has had a lot of changes we can talk about.

I also read a book called "Shut up about your Perfect Kid" The authors also have a facebook page. Their message is basically that you need to let the world know how great your kid is no matter what his challenges. There is no room for embarassment or feeling less than. If you feel less than, they say you need to be upfront and tell the people around you how they can best support you and your family.

Maybe the grandparents just don't know how to help or interact. If this is something you want you have to ask for it. Be specific. Are there any therapies they can help out with? Maybe helping would give them more confidence in their interactions. If they still can't do it, then they can't. It is their loss. It sucks. Hang in there.

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Do you ever feel less valuable (warning long pregnant-hormone induced vent inside)

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