Should you get married just because you are pregnant?

roshni406 · May 2012

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Ever since I told my family about my pregnancy they have been pushing us to get court married. I totally understand where they are coming from but at the same time I don't want to force it. Since the end of March my boyfriend has been really busy with school and we had conflicted schedules bc of my work. Now that his semester is over my family is asking everyday if we are getting court married and that we need to stop making excuses. I on one hand want to and dont want to just because I want him to be ready and ask me properly but at the same time want the security for our baby. When I try to talk about it with him ...he changes the subject. My family has talk to him several times over the phone and he just kept agreeing with them but taking no action! I'm getting stressed bc I'm in the middle of him and my family and I just dont get him... why is he stalling? why won't he answer properly... why is it so hard for me to talk to him about it... we have lived together for the last 4 years and we have had our ups and downs... but he has already said several times he considers me to be his wife... and we both love each other but I guess I'm just confused in what I want as well! Sorry I just had to vent!

KellersPrag · May 2012

I'm sorry, but that is really ridiculous. Your family has no right to be involved in that or to pressure either of you into anything. Pregnancy should not force a marriage, and it should happen when you are both ready and when he has asked you. Not when he is being told to do so by your family.

ilovehouses · May 2012

If the thought didn't cross his mind to ask you when you told him you were pregnant, he wasn't/isn't ready.

You sound very young. I'd wait.

jenndub · May 2012

You definitely should not get married just because you're pregnant. If he gets pressured into getting married he will always resent you for it. And you will always wonder if he married you because he wanted to or felt like he had to. And being married doesn't guarantee security. I was engaged to my kids' dad and he still cheated on me and left. If we had been married he would have done the same. Do what you want and tell your family to back off.

roshni406 · May 2012

I am 27 soon to be 28 he is 26. I just finished grad school and he has a year left in law school.

DerpityDog · May 2012

I didn't vote because the answer is more complicated. IMO, if you're already living together and having a child together, you're already pretty entangled legally, so getting married is going to provide more benefit than potential risk (should you split up). Surely your BF isn't afraid of commitment, otherwise I assume he wouldn't be living with you and having a child with you. However, if your relationship really isn't as solid as you hope it is, it would probably be a waste to go through with it. If you desire something more special and romantic, you may not fully get your wish given the circumstances. You DO need to talk to your BF about it, choosing a calm place and time without any distractions. Maybe you could get a license now, then have a romantic ceremony after the baby's born. Or go ahead and get engaged now. Regardless of what happens, you have to tell your family to mind their own business, though. Even if you agree with their assessment, it's between you and your BF when the right time is, or if it's ever going to happen.

numb3rMel · May 2012

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can only imagine your frustration.

I do believe that having a child is not a reason to force marriage on anyone. A marriage certificate does not guarantee security for yourself or your child. If he doesn't want to stay, the certificate is just a piece of wothless paper.

If you want him to be ready on his own terms, then you should be patient. I know that sounds like an uphill battle but its the truth. I know for me, I would never want to feel like MH married me just because we were PG.

Jumpin4joy · May 2012

I understand your feelings completely. Don't force him. That is not a way to start a marriage. He may never be ready for marriage. Today my boyfriend and I celebrate our 20 year anniversary. We didn't let our families dictate what was right for us. We are extremely happy. I am due in Sept and its our first. We have also had our ups and downs, nothing major other than pressure from family to get married/have kids. LOL. I don't feel less happy not being married. I know he wants to be here and he knows I want to be here. If you feel that piece of paper will give you safety and security you may be right and you may be wrong. Ask the millions of women out there who are divorced and dealing in the courts with deadbeat dads. There are plenty of couples that feel forced into getting married and it doesn't work out. Hope this wasn't a downer message. I wish you luck and happiness.

blindvictory · May 2012

It sounds like he is NOT ready to get married, and you shouldn't push that. Nagging him about tying the knot could end up pushing him away. If he's already committed to staying with you and the baby, then just relax and let him ask you when he's ready. Marriage can be intimidating, and no one should force you into that.

cautionwillburneyes · May 2012

From first hand experience, you should not get married just because you are having a baby together. I got married at 21 years old when I got pregnant and was married for 10 years. It was a long, miserable 10 years and I regretted marrying him many times over. I too felt family pressure to marry and that was the main reason that I did it. Marry only because you want to commit to living your lives together for a very long time, not because you feel you have to.

on_a_whim · May 2012

Marriage and baby are two separate things, a decision for one does not mean the other needs to follow. When you're ready, you're ready... and if you're not, that's perfectly ok. As PP said, focus on parenting for now.

SpartyMom2B · May 2012

To simply answer the question in the thread title: No. You should not get married just because you are pregnant.

anna2029 · May 2012

DerpityDog:
I didn't vote because the answer is more complicated. IMO, if you're already living together and having a child together, you're already pretty entangled legally, so getting married is going to provide more benefit than potential risk (should you split up). Surely your BF isn't afraid of commitment, otherwise I assume he wouldn't be living with you and having a child with you. However, if your relationship really isn't as solid as you hope it is, it would probably be a waste to go through with it. If you desire something more special and romantic, you may not fully get your wish given the circumstances. You DO need to talk to your BF about it, choosing a calm place and time without any distractions. Maybe you could get a license now, then have a romantic ceremony after the baby's born. Or go ahead and get engaged now. Regardless of what happens, you have to tell your family to mind their own business, though. Even if you agree with their assessment, it's between you and your BF when the right time is, or if it's ever going to happen.

THIS

CarlySara · May 2012

This was me when I was pregnant with DD, although my background is a bit different than yours. My mom and his family kept trying to pressure us to get married. All I kept telling him was "I don't want you to marry me because I'm pregnant, so please don't propose to me while I'm pregnant because I'll assume that's why you're doing it." Luckily, DH has a mother figure (his mom passed when he was 15) in his son's grandmother. She told him that when he saw me holding his child he would know if there was a future for us, so not to propose until he knew that's what he wanted. I'm very thankful for her! I think DH started saving for my engagement ring the day we got home from the hospital.

Don't rush into anything that you are not ready for. It may be in your future...but it may not. Just make sure that's what you BOTH want before you jump into anything!

mrsjenni · May 2012

Please wait. Pretty please?

1. It sounds like you're BF isn't ready. Like, at all.

2. Your family is absolutely ridiculous.

3. Stand up to your family and tell them to mind their own damn business.

You sound like a smart couple and if you didn't think about getting married before getting PG, then there's no reason to rush into a marriage now. I'm sure your BF wants to finish law school and since you just finished grad school, it's a good time to just focus on the baby first then think about getting married later.

Don't let your family pressure you.

hmp1 · May 2012

You guys have a lot going on and a quicky ceremony at the court house might not be the way he envisioned getting married. Is it how you envisioned getting married? I also don't think your family should have any say in this. They have spoken their mind and they need to leave it at that. If they can't let it drop, you need to tell them to stop. You both know where they stand on the issue.

DH and I dated for almost 10 years before we got married, lived together for almost 8 years. DH's parents had a bad divorce and he wasn't even sure he wanted to get married ever. He came around but I didn't pressure him and neither did my family.

cateykins09 · May 2012

You should NOT get married simply because you are having a baby. My bf and i talked about getting married before we found out we are expecting. We both agreed right away, that we would not be getting married because of it. Ive had a few people ask if we were going too, my answer is simply eventually. In my opinion becoming a parent is a big enough life change, we are already common law so why rush it? Its not 1950 one does not have to go with the other.

jlh2716 · May 2012

Tell your parents to butt out. Your relationship is only as much of their business as you choose to let it be. Any of you nagging at your BF will not end well.

I understand that you want security for your baby, but marriage doesn't necessarily equal security. And pregnancy is not a good reason to get married. It doesn't sound like your BF is ready to get married, and if he's not, then forcing him into it isn't the answer.

Bluebird2318 · May 2012

Whether you decide to or not, it should all be up to the two of you. Your family really should have no say in the matter if you ask me. DH and I actually DID get "court married" when we found out we were expecting, but that was only because we were already engaged and in the middle of planning our "actual wedding" at the time. Our wedding was set for September 15 and baby's due date is September 12, so obviously there is no way that would have worked, even if I were willing to get married mid-pregnancy (not going to happen when I've already bought a size 6 dress). In our case getting married early was a mutual decision, mostly for insurance reasons, and it just felt "right" to us. Do whatever you need to OP, but make sure it's the right choice for the two of you, and not for your family. And by all means, make sure you think it through, especially if he seems that averse/negative about the idea of getting married... Divorce is infinitely more complicated when children are involved. (Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, just stating something you may want to consider.)

jackson5982 · May 2012

My boyfriend and I are not married either. We live together, love each other very much, and have a great relationship. We definitely want to be married and talk about it all the time, but we are sure as heck not going to get married just because we are having a baby! We are both on the same page about it, especially since I have been married before and had a terrible relationship w/ my ex. We are completely content in our relationship, and want to enjoy the pregnancy and arrival of our baby girl before we add another big event to our lives, such as marriage.

It sounds like maybe you are letting family/peer pressure get to you, and that is the wrong thing to do, especially with a big life decision. You definitely need to talk and get on the same page w/ your boyfriend, but don't get pressured into making decisions, do what feels right for you and your family-to-be.

Darkhairedbride · May 2012

No, you shouldn't get married just because you are pregnant. On the other hand my husband and I were together for a very long time, seven years before getting married. We lived together for four before marriage. It came to a point that I had to tell my now husband my reasons for wanting to get married.I think sometimes this may not be the case with your relationship...but sometimes men don't think things through. My husband thought being almost married was the same as being married. After reviewing some of following questions my husband understood my reasons for wanting to marry.

1) In my case my husband owned the home we lived him, if he passed away I was therefore homeless since he didn't have a will and I had no rights to the property. When he realized this he felt horrible...but never thought about it till I brought it up.

2) If either of us was in the hospital it would be our families who made decisions for us, he would have no rights to make decisions on my behalf and I would have no rights to make decisions on his behalf.

3) Insurance...at the time my husband was paying for medical. Once we got married he was able to get dental, vision and medical for less than he was paying for just medical.

Since you are going to be in the hospital soon these are just things to consider. I am not saying marry him...I am saying you both sound like busy people. My husband and I waited along time because I was in school. It came to a point where it was just time. Neither of us were scared of marriage just the wedding. I outlined my reasons for getting married none of which involved a huge event...not that there is anything wrong with wanting something big...but it wasn't for us. However, as I said before being almost married is not the same as being married and sometimes people forget that.

Hope you find this helpful.

quartz02 · May 2012

No, you shouldn't. This should be a decision between you and your bf ONLY. Tell your family to butt out. To offer an alternate opinion, perhaps he's already planning a proposal and that's why he doesn't want to get "court married" and is skirting the issue.

hterry85 · May 2012

Marriage =/= stability. A healthy relationship does. YOU need to tell your parents that you're adults and that they need to butt out.

Unem · May 2012

numb3rMel:
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can only imagine your frustration.

I do believe that having a child is not a reason to force marriage on anyone. A marriage certificate does not guarantee security for yourself or your child. If he doesn't want to stay, the certificate is just a piece of wothless paper.

If you want him to be ready on his own terms, then you should be patient. I know that sounds like an uphill battle but its the truth. I know for me, I would never want to feel like MH married me just because we were PG.

Yes Yes

thenorris3 · May 2012

When I found out I was pregnant with our first child we had been dating for 5 years. We were actually just coming off of a break up and working things out. We knew we wanted to be together and for us (living 2,000 miles apart) we knew moving in together was either gonna make us or break us. So I moved to FL as we were looking for a house we found out we were expecting. We then rushed to buy a house we did get married and had our son all in about 6 months. It was a terrible decision!! My DH will agree you can't have so many life changes all at once and expect your marriage to thrive. By or second anniversary I was miserable. We both love each other very much but the saying is true sometimes love isn't enough. We ended up going to counseling and finally built the foundation that we had by passed bc we were to busy buying a house and raising a child. We are happier than ever now but if I could do it over I would have waited to have gotten married it was too much pressure on us and we weren't ready even though we were in our late-mid 20s. Sadly the whole time planning the wedding I knew it wasn't right go with your gut It's always right. ??

HRP22 · May 2012

If you got married first, your family would be pushing the baby thing on you both. So, you've done it backwards. Many folks have. I still wouldn't get married for the sake of being pregnant.

Besides, financially it's probably better for you to stay unmarried now that you have a LO.

LILBIT1221 · May 2012

blindvictory:
It sounds like he is NOT ready to get married, and you shouldn't push that. Nagging him about tying the knot could end up pushing him away. If he's already committed to staying with you and the baby, then just relax and let him ask you when he's ready. Marriage can be intimidating, and no one should force you into that.

I agree with this 100%. Do what is right for the two of you, not what other people want you to do.

ckred27 · May 2012

I agree that you shouldnt push anyone if they arent ready.. BUT 4 1/2 years and your having a baby and you have been living together awhile....if he isnt ready now......yeah.....

OSUWifey09 · May 2012

DS#1 was born while I was engaged to H, and people were appalled that we weren't rushing to the courthouse. We already had a wedding date set, and we stuck to it [even though our wedding was not a "dream wedding", by any means, but we were still happily married at the end]. I agree that getting married just because you're pregnant is not a good enough reason to rush down the aisle. That's like people saying they want to get pregnant to save their marriage...not a good idea. You two get married when you're ready.

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