- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
3rd Trimester
Help: husband doesn't want to be at the hospital during delivery...
Every time I have talked to my husband about being there when the baby is born he says that he will be on vacation so he won't be there. After that he avoided any other talk about being there. I always thought that he was just kidding.
Tonight when we were talking about it he still said that he wasn't going to be there. I really wanted a series answer, but he kept changing the subject so I started to get mad. I started to cry and even though he was trying to comfort me, the tears became more and more uncontrollable. It means so much for him to be there and this is our first baby so I really need him to be there to support me. I know that before he has said that he hates seeing me in pain and wouldn't be able to bear it. How he wouldn't be much help because the doctors and nurses would be attending to him more.... but it means so much to me, ya know?
Well eventually he said that he would be there. It still doesn't seem like he meant it; more like he was trying to get me to stop crying. Did/does anyone else have this problem? What did you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help: husband doesn't want to be at the hospital during delivery...
I agree with the 3 PP.
I hope he comes around, jeez!
Home Birthing-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Baby Wearing-CoSleeping-Delayed/Selective Vaccination Mama to Charlie (5yrs) and Madeline (21mos)
he needs counseling asap - sounds like he has issues that NEED to be addressed before he becomes a father.
i seriously am sorry that you are dealing with this
My DH was really nervous about being in the delivery room when DD was born. He felt like he would be in the way, wouldn't be helpful and that he didn't particularly want to see the gory side of giving birth. He also didn't want to see me in pain and didn't understand how helpful having him just in the room would actually be for me.
These things didn't mean that he was a bad father, needed counseling, or needed to grow a pair. What they meant were that he was nervous and scared about an experience he wasn't prepared for and he didn't want to screw up something super important in our lives. With his work schedule, we weren't able to attend any childbirth education classes, which would have helped alleviate his fears and concerns.
There were a couple things that we did to help. First, we hired a doula. Yeah, it was expensive, but a whole lot less expensive than all of the interventions that I didn't want (up to and including a c-section). DH and I agreed that I was going to get the support I needed, even if it wasn't him that provided it. But, we felt that the doula was a support person to help coach DH into how to be an effective coach for me. It worked really well. She gave him some on the spot tips, as I was in labor, to help him help me through the worst of the contractions.
Another thing that helped was that our doula gave us some quick childbirth education classes as part of our pre-birth get togethers. This alleviated his fears like a class would have, but also fit into our schedule.
Finally, I adjusted my expectations...DH has never been the classic labor coach type. Even in the delivery room, he said that he felt like he was a rhinocerous stomping around in the middle of a finely choreographed ballet. While I was pushing, he simply tried to stay out of the way. When I couldn't find him and made it clear that I wasn't happy about that, he bounded past the monitors and took his place next to me, and was there where I needed him. When it was time to cut the cord, everyone insisted that he do it. Three years later, he stands strong in the belief that cutting the cord seemed much more important to everyone else, so he was willing to do it, but he felt no personal need whatsoever to be involved in that aspect of the birth. He feels the same way this time.
So, really, OP, it might help to find out the root causes of his desire not to be in the room. If he is feeling insecure or nervous or afraid of passing out, find a way to solve those problems. Try to be supportive of him and tell him (specifically what you need him to do and why he is the one you want to do it.
Good luck...I hope you can make it work for you...
Well said.
That being said though, he really needs to understand how much hurt it would cause you if he were not there. Just his presence would ease some of your pain and fears in the delivery room.
My DH didn't like seeing me in pain either, but when it came down to it, he was so excited to meet his babies that he couldn't hardly hold still!
MUD?
...and if not MUD...then how does he expect to be there for his own child when he/she is in pain and needs him? (stitches, broken bones, surgeries) This is just good practice!
MUD. and not even entertaining MUD.
He needs to man up! yes you will be in pain, but your not injured or dying and he needs to understand that. I would get him to a labor and delivery class asap. He helped makes that baby and he should be there when it enters the world.
Did you ask him to be serious for a second and explain why he may not want to be at the hospital. That would absolutely kill me... It was not even an option that was discussed in my house. My DH is unbelievably excited to be there for every moment of the birth.
Does he realize it is an important moment for the two of you?
Does he not do will with the blood and guts stuff? Perhaps he is afraid that he wont make it or wont be strong enough for you.
Talk to the man, seriously.
If you still had time I would say you guys need to talk the Bradley Method classes. Your husband is so important and is a major source of pain management. Either buy or borrow the book Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. It can give him a little bit of an idea on how to be supportive and helpful. Explain to him that him leaving you alone is going to cause you even more pain.
T&P
This.
DS #1 Born: 10/03/06, DS #2 Born: 08/06/12 My Cooking Blog
Does your husband have an issue with hospitals? Some people have a phobia due to a past experience.
Consider hiring a doula or inviting a family member such as your mom to be your support person. But you still need to talk to your husband about how important it is for him to be there and be supporting you through it
Mine said if the laboring process took too long he'd just walk home.. I told him he should oughta pack his bags while he's there..
I get it that some guys don't wanna be involved.. but hell they just have to watch and try to be supportive. They don't HAVE to do anything physical.. I've come to terms with the fact that mine will probably not cut the cord though..Not something he wants to do.. *shrugs*
I agree with PPs that a doula would be essential if you doubt your husband's ability to provide support to you during labor and delivery.
Maybe telling him that you are hiring someone to support you will inspire him to learn more and be more involved. That is what happened with my DH. Although at no point was he planning on not being at the hospital...
Does no one watch Mad Men? Men did not used to be in the delivery room, they used to be at home or pacing the waiting room. In the not to distant past, women were confined and not allowed to see men for nearly a month before birth. Men in the delivery room is a new thing.
That being said, if its important to you, he should be there. However, there is most likely a deeper reason and simply giving him an ultimatum will not fix the problem. Find a compromise- stay above the waist, have someone else there to coach and him there just to be there, maybe he will be sick and needs to not be there. COMPROMISE.
I'm not sure what the past has to do with right now? It wasn't too long ago that women weren't allowed to own their own property, so what does that have to do with me and my mortgage? Then is then and now is now and never the twain shall meet, you know?
That said, the rest of the comment I agree with. My husband joked about not being in the room, and waiting down in the bar, because he doesn't really know what to do when I get upset and he doesn't like the blood and the rest of it. I let him joke about it until I'd had enough, and then I mentioned that I wasn't a big fan of pain or being upset or the blood and the rest of it, either, and in fact I'd like to wait down in the bar until the baby gets here, but if I had to participate, then he had to participate. Full stop. I won't make him watch the crowning, and actually I'd prefer that he didn't, but he needs to be in the room when his daughter breathes air for the first time. And "on vacation"?? Ell oh emmer effin ell.
Ditto. He's being a douche and you need to call him out on it.
DH said he doesn't want to be in the room, he thinks it will smell bad, and be gross and that he might pass out/puke.
I told him he WILL be in the room. there is no other way- this is HIS child too, he has to be there.
That all being said- I don't know how much I can really trust him not passing out or puking so I am having my mom there too!
Just talk to your H and let him know how important is for you- for me I told him that if he wasn't there for the birth of his child then there would be some serious problems at home.
He doesn't have to be down at the receiving end, he just needs to be there for you!
My father in law was in a bar in 1972 waiting for my husband to be born. But then he is of the Mad Men generation--just had kids late. My dad was definitely in the room in 1974.
FI knew from the beginning that he wanted to be in the delivery room. I wasn't so sure. Now that we're closer to my EDD, I can't imagine him not being in the room. I want my best friend with me, and that's what FI is, so there's that. I have also made it clear that if he plays ANY Mortal Kombat during my delivery on his PS Vita, that I will "Fatality" him.
As for your H, I'd make it clear that if he wasn't in the room for the whole thing, that would be the end of not only any further baby-making but any future baby-making activities.
But, you know, that's me.
Thank you for your advice and you were completely right. We are looking at hiring a doula to help both of us especially since it is our first baby. He has been asking co-workers and my brother-in-law what their experience in the delivery room was so that he can understand what it is like and what it will be like for me. So far it seems like he feels better about it.
I know and always have known that he doesn't need counseling and he is the best man in the world.
My Hubby said the same thing...He said his dad(who passed away when we were in highschool) wasnt in the room and he wont be either! I was so mad I told him he had to be there!! We havent really talked about it since but I was admitted into the hospital the other day and he was all freaked out and stayed by my side the whole night so im pretty sure he will be there. If he tries to get out of it im sure my mom will tear into his butt until he goes back...For both our sakes I hope our husbands stay bc it will be such an important moment he will be mad he missed out.
He needs to man up. My ex husband didn't WANT to be there, but ended up coming after my mother told him there was no other option.
He ended up playing solitare thru all my contractions, and only was concerned when the doctors wanted to do a EM C Section.
If your hubby really feels strongly about this, show him some breathing tech's that you two can do together, and let him know, that if he isn't there, that the pain of him NOT being there will hurt WAY more then pushing a watermelon out of your vajayjay.
And if it comes down to it, threaten him. It is dirty, underhanded and not really nice at all, but YOU are the pregnant one. YOU are the mom. And honestly, he should get used to uncomfortable situations from the get go. He IS going to be a dad soon xD Not really a walk in the park.