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3rd Trimester
Who is the selfish one--my mom or me? (LONG)
I need honest answers. I've asked friends and they've shared their thoughts, but I figure they are probably biased in my favor.
I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 in December after our 2nd month of trying. The first time it took almost a year to get pregnant. A few weeks BEFORE I found out about baby #2, my mom booked an Alaskan cruise with her friends for late August. If the baby arrives as scheduled, she will be in Alaska when baby is born. My mother is retired and travels often. This will be her second Alaskan cruise with her girl friends in 3 years and probably her 3rd trip with them this year. She has full insurance on the trip, so she can cancel at any time and lose little to no money. My first son was two weeks early. If this baby is early, she will be around for the actual birth but not long after.
A little background: My father passed away several years ago and my mother moved to my hometown. The rest of my family (inlaws and cousins) live a 5 hour plane ride away with the exception of my sister, who is a 2 hour plan ride away. This is the second grandbaby for my mom, the first being my son. I do have many close friends who live nearby, including a nice but overbearing neighbor who has offered her full support and plans to help in any way needed.
Yesterday my mom and I had a little spat because I told her my MIL had offered to come to town while my mom was in Alaska and I thought she should stay at my mom's empty house since we won't have the room. She basically said no and took offense to the fact that I was telling her MIL would stay there instead of asking which I dispute, but I honestly can't remember if I did just tell her how it was going to be because I was angry. That's when I told my mom I thought she was extremely selfish for going to Alaska when her daughter is due since (a) she should be there for the birth of her first granddaughter (second grandbaby), and (b) I would really like her help after baby is born and she will likely be gone. My mom disagreed and said "the trip was booked before you became pregnant."
My question is--am I expecting too much? This is the second baby and she was there for the first. Is it really a big deal if she goes on the trip as scheduled? Or is she being selfish for going? DH said it shouldn't matter--if she doesn't want to be there, we really don't want her there anyway. Thoughts?
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Re: Who is the selfish one--my mom or me? (LONG)
IMO, I don't think your mom is being selfish. There is no way of you knowing the exact timing of your LO's arrival and your mom postponing her trip based on your due date is not a good enough. I have a similar situation with my mom and I would love for her to be able to make it to the birth of baby #2 but she has to take care of some stuff and I know she will be visiting as soon as she can. It sucks having to depend on friends and neighbors but that is great that people are willing to help. GL
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Well, since you asked: you are being the selfish one. This isn't your mom's FIRST grandchild so its likely that she's very excited for you, but doesn't see the need to go all out like for your first. I see absolutely nothing wrong with her holding on to her cruise plans, she has a life to live as well and as she ages its important for her to spend time doing the things she wants to do.
I also cannot believe you offered up her house with out asking her first! IMO, how incredibly rude! How would you feel if she offered your house to someone to stay in? I guarantee you'd be upset, just as she was.
Your mom will have plenty of time to spend with her grandchild once she returns from Alaska, especially considering it sounds like you live fairly close to her. You are making a big deal out of something that shouldn't be.
This.
While I can totally understand feeling a bit bummed (and even a bit "grrr"ish) that your mom won't be there, I think you're overreacting. I get it, its your mom (most of us want our moms around when we have our babies), BUT she'll be around after the fact. She booked the trip before you even got pregnant and not knowing when you'll go into labor, I think it's a little much to expect her to put her life on hold.
And FWIW, I'd be outraged if anyone offered my house up to someone else to stay in without discussing with me. My house is MY home- I'd be so unbelievably uncomfortable with ANYONE staying in my home when I am not there. You're acting kind of entitled to people's time and belongings- not okay.
I added this to me as unbiased as possible, but I truly don't think that is how it happened. This is how she remembers it happening. I think I said "we were thinking about having her stay at your place since you won't be there and live so close by." She immediately said no without considering it. My MIL is so kind and so giving that she would have offered it to my mom had the situation been reversed. When it came back up yesterday (a few weeks after the initial conversation) my mom said she said "no" because I told her she would stay there I didn't ask. I honestly think my mom is just embarrassed she reacted the way she did and now she's turning it on me. But again, I wanted the post to be unbiased so I didn't elaborate.
I figured I was overreacting, which is why I didn't really dwell on it with my mom, I just told her I was shocked she was still planning to go, but whatever. She said she had the trip planned and I let it go. Deep down I'm still bothered by it, but maybe it's just because I find my mom to be extremely selfish in general and this is just the icing on the cake. My mom lives down the street and has never offered to have my son over or take him anywhere. She does babysit and often offers to do so without being asked, but she isn't as grandmotherly as some of my friend's family, which is kinda disheartening.
Last time I was induced starting on a Thursday night with cervidil, with the pitocin starting at 9am on Friday. This was planned. She asked DH if she should cancel her hair appointment she had scheduled for Friday at 11. DH told her to do whatever she wanted, but when I heard about it I was surprised she'd even ask. Again, maybe I'm just too demanding, but I find it odd that hair would take priority over the birth of your grandkid.
I think you are being a little selfish. I'd be surprised if the insurance would reimburse her as well. My sister got really sick and was in the hospital when we were going on a family cruise. The only cruise fare the vacation insurance would cover was their room. They would not reimburse my family or my parents.
I also would be outraged if someone offered up my house without asking me first. I would feel very comfortable having someone staying in my house when I wasn't here except a few limited people.
THIS!!!
Very good points. I do want to add that I'm definitely not stressed about it and we haven't "kept arguing about it." Has it been in the back of mind since she told me, certainly. Have I brought it up, nope. This is only the third time we've discussed it, and the first two times were for logistics (e.g. when is the baby due, when is the she back, etc.)
My opinion? You're being completely selfish.
My mom also travels a lot. Since I've become pregnant she has booked a 3 week Ireland trip which she will be on until May 27. My due date is June 8th. She also has a cruise booked for the beginning of August. She is also scheduled for open heart surgery on May 29th and will be recovering basically until she leaves for her cruise.
Does it suck? Yeah. But it is my mom's life to do with what she wants. She's a very loving and giving person and I don't feel this takes away from that. Plus, my H and I are the ones having a kid. Why should anyone else feel or be obligated to help with that child?
The world doesn't revolve around you and your baby. And, btw, I would be livid if you offered my home to anyone. That was completely out of line. And now you've made your mother look bad when you go to your MIL and tell her your mom said no.
She has cancel for any reason insurance. Her friends are all older so they always pay extra for this "just incase." Last time they vacationed her best friend canceled because her brother was sick and her entire fare, including airfare, was refunded.
This. You are in the wrong here.
No wonder you're disappointed - you have unrealistic expectations for how your mother is "supposed" to behave. You have no control over what other people do or feel, and why shouldn't your mother enjoy her later years in the way she wants? Her childrearing and working days are over. Frankly, when I picture my retirement, I picture it traveling, not sitting around the house being "grandmotherly", whatever that means. You need to stop daydreaming about the mother you wish you had, and start accepting the mother you DO have.
Thank you to you and everyone else. Very good dose of reality. I definitely mentally compare her to other friends and family, which I know I shouldn't do. My mom has a great life here since my father passed that involves traveling and being extremely socially active. I should be happy for her that she's moved on and really starting living life, not resenting her for the little amount of time she spends with us.
I'm normally not a dramatic or selfish person and I don't get bothered by stuff very easily, which is why a small part of me thought I might be right in this situation. But I see everyone's points and truly appreciate them. Sometimes a girl needs to be set straight by internet strangers!
I do think that your mom has a right to take offense to you expecting your MIL to stay at her house while she is away. That is something you should have asked her if it was okay before you just offered up her place.
With that being said -- Your mom, if she chooses to go on the trip that she planned you really cannot hold it against her. Sounds like you will have help with your MIL being in town.
Yes, I think you're asking to much.
Your mom had her babies and worked hard for a very long time raising you and any siblings you might have. I imagine she's around for her grand babies as much as possible and she deserves to vacation and have a good time at this point in her life. While the timing sucks, I think you should just be happy that she has the ability to do all of this now. She already had this trip booked and probably already feels a bit guilty for not being around for you as it is, don't make it worse. Let her have a good time - she'll be around for you when she gets back At that point, you'll be so exhausted and the "novelty" of the new baby will have worn off from other people anyway, and you'll be thankful for having help for that much longer period of time.
And yes, I think it's wrong that you offered your mother's home to someone else before discussing it with your mother. Whether you asked your mom or told her - you should have asked her BEFORE offering to your MIL.
Sorry.
As previously stated, you're being a bit unrealistic.
Your mom had plans (and a life) before you got pregnant. The cruise probably isn't more than a week, 2 weeks tops. She won't miss much of the baby's life.
Offering your mother's house without prior consent is a no-no.
My opinion is this- we didn't get much help after birth with our first, I don't expect it with the second. My mom came down for the first of my first- but I told her not to bother with the second.. Not because i don't want her there as a support coach in the room, but because I don't feel I need her to be consumed with it. I know she has other plans (Like my brother coming into town.. he doesn't live close) and I don't want her to choose what she would rather do. I kind of agree with your DH- if she doesn't want to be there, then why would you want her there? Let it go- and enjoy those moments with you and DH and your children.
Good luck!!
To me, this still doesn't sound like asking, even though that's what you think you did by phrasing it that way. Even if it were something I was open to, having someone suggest it to me in that manner makes it sound like it's already been decided, thus I'd be less likely to oblige.
There are lots of people who don't mind letting others stay in their home while they're away, for a fee. I've had luck traveling out of town and finding somewhere homier than a hotel with this site: https://www.airbnb.com/ If you can't accommodate MIL in your own home, perhaps it's worth a look!
I think your mom should go. I would never dream of asking my mom to cancel a trip because she'd be gone when I was due. But with that said, I don't have a super great relationship with my mom, so I might not be the best person to ask.
I DO think that she should absolutely let MIL stay at her house, as long as you asked your mom before it was offered (and it sounds like you might have done that). Unless your mom and MIL hate eachother of course
DH and I married 8 years. Mom of three, stepmom of one.
Yes, you're expecting too much.
Why shouldn't she go on a scheduled trip? As she pointed out, she scheduled it before you were pregnant and she had NO WAY to know you'd be due at that time. She didn't schedule it to be mean to you.
I think your DH's attitude is wrong too, but I'm guessing it's probably just saying that to support YOU.
When DS1 (Grandchild #1 for my family and #7 for DH's) was born, we lived a 4 hour drive from any family at all. When i went into labor, my grandparents, dad and sister (my mom passed away in 2003) drove the 4 hours to be in town when he was born, but my Dad and sister hadn't planned on that- it just worked out that they could do it because it was a weekend. Dad and sister left the very next day. My MIL didn't come until the following weekend, but she stayed for a week.
This time, no one knows what the heck is happening, honestly. We live a 9 hour drive from my family and 12 hour drive from DH's family. MIL will be here for less than a week, but she's flying, so she already has tickets for the middle of June, once we KNOW baby will have arrived. My Dad and his new wife are going to come for a week, but don't know when. My sister will come for a few days, but she doesn't know when.
Even though EVERYONE has basically agreed about your behaviour, I just want to say... I think you asked your question in a mature manner and have accepted the criticism maturely and graciously. Good for you. I am sure it is hard to feel disappointed that she may not be there. I have struggled with accepting that my mother is not a super involved grandma. She has a life.
I agree with this. I would be very hurt if my mom didn't make it a priority to be at my child(ren)'s birth, unless it was for an extenuating circumstance, like a health reason.
I don't think your mom is being selfish, it's not like she booked the cruise after she found out you are pregnant... and I don't really feel like it's a big deal if she misses the birth. I'm a FTM, this is the first grandchild in the fam, and my brother is getting married on our due date 6 hours away - if we go on that day, or close to, we won't have any family members at our birth, which is fine with me... I'm actually starting to prefer it to just be DH and I.
I wouldn't want MIL staying at my house either, it's kind of like an invasion of privacy, especially if your mom isn't going to be there... if she's going to be there to help with the baby, wouldn't it be easier to just have her stay with you guys for the late night issues? Good luck!
Well I don't know if either of you is necessarily being super selfish. It sounds like she doesn't necessarily want to be there for the birth, and you can't force her. Is it selfish to want your moms help? I mean, not really, I think most of us do. Is it selfish for her to want to go on this trip with her friends? Again, not necessarily, it's just what she wants.
If your MIL will come help instead that sounds like the best option.
If your MIL wants to come stay and you are unable to accommodate her in your home she should plan for a hotel. If your mother knew MIL was coming and was having trouble finding accommodations she might have offered her home, but I don't feel it's something you ought to ask or expect her to say yes to.
Some people are the sort that want to be in the waiting room twiddling their thumbs for hours so they can rush in and see the baby moments after it's been born (most of my family is like this, and I actually really hate it!), but many others want to give mom and dad a moment alone and not restructure their lives just to wait around for a baby to arrive.
I don't think there is anything wrong with her taking the trip. Your DH is going to be there with you while you are in labor and you are blessed to have anyone other than DH who is willing to help you postpartum. Your mother may in fact be there for the birth after all and if she is not it sounds like she will still be around often when she is back. If you feel like you need her to be more supportive or as though she doesn't have the relationship with her grandchild(ren) that you would like why don't you ask her why she is this way? Try to understand where she is coming from instead of just assuming she's selfish. Perhaps since your father is no longer around she really depends on the relationships she has with her friends for support and it may have less to do with avoiding being there for you and simply that she is trying to take care of herself.
Home Birthing-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Baby Wearing-CoSleeping-Delayed/Selective Vaccination Mama to Charlie (5yrs) and Madeline (21mos)
this. you are taking it too personally.
Ditto.
Sorry, but I agree with this poster. Your mom should go on her cruise as planned, she will be there when she gets back. Sorry you are going through this, but I think you are in the wrong here.