My family is crazy...what do I do?

jstmrried · May 2012

Hi there! I've never posted on here before but I am dealing with some crazy family drama and thought I would ask for some advice/guidance. Let me preface this description by saying my family has never been "normal" or particularly supportive of me but when I got married last year and my parents didn't come and my brother didn't even bother to R.S.V.P. or come, it all started going downhill.

My parents both have significant health problems - some physical and diagnosed and some possibly undiagnosed mental issues. I'm six months pregnant with my first child and this would be the first grandchild for my parents and first niece for my brother who doesn't have kids. They have not acknowledged my pregnancy, called to check on me, or purchased so much as a rattle. When I try to share my excitement they change the subject and talk about their own health issues or taking the dog to the vet or...anything else.

My brother is 41, lives with my parents, doesn't pay rent and doesn't drive. When I told him I was pregnant he grimaced and said he would never have a child on purpose!

Now that you have some background...on Sunday evening I was coming home from dinner and a movie with my hubby when my father called. I answered and with a very rude tone he asked "Do you know what today is?" I said Sunday, May 6th? He said yes but do you know what today is? I thought about it and knew it wasn't anyone's birthday and said no, what's today. He said "It's mother's day and your mom has been in hysterics crying her eyes out all day because you forgot". I was somewhat shocked but managed to say, no dad - Mother's Day is next weekend, it's not Mother's Day today. He continued to argue with me and once he was finally convinced it was not Mother's Day he said that I was selfish anyway because my mother was lonely and depressed and I wasn't spending enough time with her. I was livid and got off the phone with him, only to have my brother call me with the same crap. I finally said - I'm six months pregnant and I need to limit my stress, the three of you are crazy and are calling to complain about a holiday that hasn't been missed and hasn't even happend yet...he hung up on me.

At this point I am considering cutting off all ties with my entire family. It makes me sad but they are very self-absorbed and toxic and I feel stressed and upset every time they contact me and tell me all the things I need to do for them with no regard for my pregnancy or life. What are your thoughts? Am I just hormonal? have any of you been so fed up you walked away from your family? Thanks for your comments and advice! I feel like I'm the crazy one these days!

LILBIT1221 · May 2012

Am I drunk?

BeebopandBuddy · May 2012

I don't think you should flat walk away, but tell them you need an emotional break and cut it off for a while. When you are ready to, whether it's after the birth of a few months in,take a deep breath, pick up the phone and reconnect.

Aloe0l · May 2012

Is it just me or is there a lot of MUD/Trolling going on around TB today?

MarisaKathleen · May 2012

LILBIT1221:
Am I drunk?

I hope not. People will crucify you for even smelling a wine bottle while pregnant.

That being said, OP, it sounds like you have a lot of family issues. Chances are they're not going to get better without communicating, so I'd try and take the high road and go over to your parents house and sit down and talk with them. If it doesn't go well, at least you can say that you tried.

kelnyc · May 2012

In case this isn't MUD (which I don't actually think it is for once), do whatever is best for you. My family has it's share of issues and I keep them at arm's length for my own sanity. Otherwise, it's a sinking ship and I refuse to go down with it. I love them and keep some contact and check-in with my mother every couple of weeks, but that's about all I can muster. My shower this weekend should be interesting! (Side note, not ALL of my family are problematic... my sister, for example. So I do keep in touch more with some than others and hope that they update the rest of the fam if need be.)

jstmrried · May 2012

Whatdoes MUD mean?

LILBIT1221 · May 2012

stephaniemthomas:

Aloe0l:
Is it just me or is there a lot of MUD/Trolling going on around TB today?

We've been in need of some good MUD this week.

I was trying to help out today, did it work?

jstmrried · May 2012

Thanks to the ladies who provided some constructive answers, it's been a difficult couple of days. I don't know what MUD means since I'm relatively new on here but it's helpful to hear from other moms or prospective moms.

rakle99 · May 2012

My family is crazy too. I moved out of state the first chance I get and I limit my communication with them. Best thing I've ever done. It seems like you've been dealing with this for awhile. Why? You are allowed to create boundaries, even with blood relatives. While hormones may make things seem worse, if it's same ol' same ol' with them, don't be afraid to walk away. Chances are you've been dealing with this your whole life, so I would suggest you get some counseling. When you're expecting, a lot of memories come back because you are thinking about motherhood. It helps. Trust me, I've been where you are!

CraftyKayla · May 2012

If this isn't MUD, I'd send them a copy of a May calendar with Mother's Day boldly highlighted.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

AnaKat405 · May 2012

MarisaKathleen:
they're not going to get better without communicating, so I'd try and take the high road and go over to your parents house and sit down and talk with them. If it doesn't go well, at least you can say that you tried.

This.

And then I'd cut them off. They obviously aren't interested in sharing important aspects of your life with you and the mental instability deal is a bit of a concern, at least from my stand point.

I, for many reasons, ended up doing the same with my mom. She had a rough go with a lot of things in her life, so while I understand why she is the way that she is... things also went poorly for her because a lot of choices that she made and refuses to own up to. It's not my responsibility and I couldn't keep sacrificing my happiness because she needed to act out and have someone willing to support her or clean up after her. There's obviously a lot more to the story, but that's the basic gist of it.

My sister went through it with her after I threw in the towel and even her therapist suggested she cut ties with our mother because of things that she does. She's since taken that advice.

Our brother is the only one who still talks to her (she's always favored him for many reasons and hasn't screwed him over as hard as she's done me and my sister. Yet. He was born the day after my father died, was the boy he'd always wanted, she'd miscarried her first child which was a boy, etc., etc), so we know she is doing well, considering, and of course will step in if it ever becomes something he can't handle on his own. But as it is, our lives have greatly improved without the added stress. She doesn't have phone numbers, addresses or any contact info for my or my sister.

I wish you well and am sorry you're dealing with this. The fact that it's family can certainly make it more difficult to gain perspective and realize that you aren't being selfish, simply rational.

amb5353 · May 2012

If this isn't MUD I am sorry for your situation. I haven't spoken with my father in over 3yrs. Him and my mother are divorced. He has never been a good person. He was self centered, abusive physically and mentally, just an all around toxic person.

I found that it was best to cut him out of my life. It lifted weight off my shoulders and gave me such great relief emotionally. I don't even know if he has been told we are pregnant.

Its a personal choice. I don't think its just hormones. I think that the hormones may play a part, they make you see thinks more. Or they enhance how bad a situation may seem.

tinyhumantoe · May 2012

Your family sounds nuts Sad

Maybe some distance would be best - are you okay with that? I certainly wouldn't appreciate the reaming for forgetting mother's day a week in advance. What would bother me most is that your mom was obviously b!tching about you to your brother and dad. She sounds unstable and possibly worried about the future (jealous of your family and your new addition), and regardless of the cause, even if it is an uncontrollable mental issue, the stress isn't worth it.

Quite frankly, they didn't bother to come to your wedding. I think you are totally justified in becoming disconnected from them. I think it is toxic to have to work so hard to have a relationship with people who don't even come close to matching the effort. Blah. Sorry about this issue. Your new little family will be so special.

veek · May 2012

Have you thought about see a counselor to help you deal with them better? I have a crazy toxic family too and I am worried about them embarrassing me at my baby shower- I see a counselor ( for a different reason) and he is helping my DH and I deal with them better.

I plan on writing a post about my situation in the future because I am not sure how to curb their behaviors in front of my friends, it is embarrassing.

jstmrried · May 2012

Thanks for the comments and sharing of some of your own family drama. I do appreciate the advice and I do have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow (I'm counting the minutes)! I hope all of us who are dealing with difficult families at this sensitive time can find a way to have peace and focus on our pregnancies.

Thanks again to those ladies who took the time to provide real suggestions. I do appreciate it becuase unfortunately this is not a post with "made up drama" it is my crazy life!

Hope everyone has a good day Smile

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