- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Holly_1007
member
not even sure how to fix this.. NBFR
Holly_1007
member
Looks like I might be filing for divorce sometime in the next year or so. I don't even know how we got to this point, or how to fix it. If I wasn't pregnant right now I would have already filed.
DH is a big baby. his mom is wrapped around his finger. he's an only child and his mom gives him whatever he wants. (when we met she was paying his child support for SD) I should have turned and walked away then.
Over time the financial dependence DH had on his mom wavered, but never truly went away. their dependence on each other is sickening.
come to find out DH has been lying to me and hiding stuff from me. not little stuff. he is about to be suspended from work and I found out through a friend. He wants to get a vasectomy and I found out from a different friend. etc
two weeks ago I confronted him. I've told him from the beginning I have trust issues, and no matter what he did to me if he ever lied to me I would walk away. he confessed that he lies frequently because he hates being "judged" or "attacked" by me for his decisions. I.E he didn't tell me he went to lunch with a friend bc we are on a strict budget and I would get mad and because he left work for over an hour to do it. umm thats just stupid.
I said I would try to be more understanding but he had to stop being a moron, and NO MORE LIES.
I found out this morning that he lied to me again two days ago. He is interviewing for a new job a few states south. I told him I would entertain the idea and we would make a list of pro's and con's and evaluate. he told me he made it to the final stage of the interview process and they wanted to fly him down to interview him. they would be taking care of his hotel as well. Last night I asked him to send me his flight and hotel confirmations so I had the information. MIL's credit card number is right on top of the payment screen.
I confronted him and he admitted to it, made a crap ton of excuses and tried to blame it on me "not being understanding". I told him I wanted a divorce. I'm done being treated like a doormat.
he got on his knees and begged me not to leave him. I told him I want access to all his e-mail addresses, bank accounts, cell phone. once a week counseling and if I caught him in one more lie I was filing paperwork and he would never see his kids.
IDK if its the hormones or what but I feel so defeated. I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know if counseling will work. I will most likely never trust him again.
not really looking for advice, just a few virtual hugs and to get that out of my system...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: not even sure how to fix this.. NBFR
I'm really sorry.
I would strongly recommend therapy. My ex used to lie to me all the time, sometimes they were little lies. Most of them came unraveling when I literally accidentally stumbled across an email account I didn't know he had when I jumped on his computer for a second to check my Facebook. Turns out he was cheating on me. A lot.
I decided then and there that I couldn't live that way and I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't have trust. I didn't want to be monitoring statements, Facebook and emails or always wondering what he was hiding. I personally decided to end it right then and there instead of going to counseling because of the infidelity.
I'm not saying that he's cheating on you, but he is lying and trust is important. I hope you can work it out, but I understand if you decide not to.
it was mostly heat of the moment me being upset/ hurt and trying to somehow hurt hm. hes not father of the year by any means and if we did break up he would never get joint custody but i know i cant keep the kids away from him entirely. i dont even know what i would do, ive never even really thought about it...
* bumping from my phone i apologize for typos etc
We all say things when we are upset and lashing out. As long as: A) we dont really mean it and
its just a one time thing, vs a daily reaction, you are good.
ANY relationship needs trust to be able to succeed, from parent/child, friend-to-friend and employer with employee. It is even MORE important in a marriage, where your whole life can be put at risk by the other person.
Tell him that he is required to find a therapist and make an appointment for the two of you AND for individual counseling by the end of this upcoming week!
That was my question as well. I get that OP is hurt but don`t make it worse by hurting your child.
Has he always felt like he couldnt tell you things, because he was worried about getting yelled at by you? It sounds like he needs to be more open and honest about what he is doing, no doubt. I just wonder why the need to be so shady, ya know. That is bizarre about MIL, did your H just not have the money for the flight, so she payed for it? You would think that a job change of that magnitude would take a lot of talking between the two of you, I cant believe he would just interview for it and act like its NBD.
Would this put you two farther from your MIL? Maybe that would help. Of course it sounds like he needs some counseling or something too.
thanks everyone for the thoughts & opinions. I know we have a long road ahead of us...
This morning I was making the bed and found a small pill in it. I immediately asked DH what it was, as its something Ive never seen before. He said he had no idea and had never seen it either. I just looked it up online and it is Tramadol which is a pain reliever, didn't get much more than that. he says he has no idea how this ended up in our home. I'm actually quite upset. both my dogs and my child are in my bed quite frequently. and honestly, no one has been in my house, nonetheless in my friggen bed.
I will be searching for a therapist monday morning that is for sure.
and fwiw I would never keep DS from his father long term, but there will be no way he will get joint custody. I hate that I'm even having to think about that. and no idea what to do about the baby I'm cooking. so frustrating.
thank you ladies again for the input
Individual counseling might be beneficial for him. The fact that he's blaming you for his lies is really bad, and a counselor might be able to help with that.
Do you think he's lying to you about the pill?
The pill thing would piss me off more than the money thing. Both are obviously bad, but I can't think of any good reasons for someone to hide a medication that he is allowed to have and is using appropriately, kwim?
Meds might account for some of the memory and sleep issues you've posted about in the past.
I'm actually REALLY pissed about the pill thing. I looked it up and its a prescription medication for pain relief. I plan on going to the pharmacist tomorrow and trying to figure out if it was ever prescribed to him.
The sleep issues is due to him working the overnight shift at work, and I'm pretty sure the memory issues are directly correlated to the sleep issues. I don't see how this particular medicine would mess with either, however if there are other prescriptions I'm unaware of, you are right it could be a factor.
We are going to start with couples therapy. I'm going to call the counselor that I have seen off and on and see if she can fit us in. I will see if she recommends individual therapy for him after the first session.
I really am willing to work this out. mostly for the sake of DS and our unborn child. At this point in time I'm seriously just so unbelievably pissed at him for treating me like this.
and for the poster that asked about the move... yes it will put a TON of distance between us and MIL and before these incidents I was on the fence. Now the only thing somewhat holding me back is the fact that we will leave SD(5) behind. hopefully a therapist will be able to help us figure out if moving away is the best option at this point.
I already told him if I wasn't pregnant his ass would be on the curb and all the locks would be changed.
I have a pretty good control on the financials, all paychecks are direct deposited into my account, and I get the mail every day so I see all the bills.
He works in a male prison with 97% other males, and I know/ am friendly with most of the females, so I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me, although not 100% sure.
The issue is that his mom is willing to hide things from me. he could easily have stuff being sent to her house/ office. he makes cash under the table for landscaping on the side and he could be lying about that. I just don't know.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this while pregnant. I think you are wise to wait things out a bit to see what happens and make sure it's not your hormones making thigs worse than they really are.
Have you ever considered that you may be too controlling? It sounds like most of his lies are to avoid getting in trouble with you. Like the lunch thing....I think a guy should be able to go to lunch with a buddy and not get in trouble for it - even if you're on a tight budget. He works, let him enjoy one luch out - what really is the harm?
He most likely doesn't want to upset you when you are pregnant with concerns over him possibly getting suspended. What if he doesn't? Then you'll have been upset for nothing. Sounds like he's trying to shelter you from unnecessary stress. of course, he will tell you if he does get suspended. Same with the vasectomy. Unless he's some sort of Grade A jerk, he's not going to get it done without talking to you.
If his mom paid for the tickets to a job interview, I think you should simply thank her for helping. It sounds like if you can't afford lunch, you can't afford airline tickets either. If the job is something that would be good for you guys, it again sounds like he's trying to make things better and yeah, he lied about where the ticket money was coming from (are you sure they're not going to reimburse him?), but it sounds like he did it to avoid conflict with you. And honestly, you sound like someone I would avoid conflict with right about now.
Please tell me you didn't seriously call him a moron. Men tend to live up to our expectations of them. He's not going to rise up and become some super star husband and father of the year with you speaking to him like that.
If he gives you access to all his email addresses, bank accounts and cell phone and does the weekly counseling - take that as a token of his love for you. IMHO - no one should have to do that, but if he's willing to, it says something about how he feels about you and I hope you'll recognize that.
Do you even like this guy? you seem bent on making him sound like a complete loser who can't do a thing for himself, which is why his mom bails him out and then you step in to mother him when she's not around. No wonder you and his mom butt heads - you all are fighting over custody. This is no way for a marriage to be. You can be his mom or you can be his wife - not both. If you like to check up on his every move, emasculate him, call him a moron, "ruin his party", and otherwise control every aspect of his life, do everyone a favor and file now. No sense in him getting attached to another child that he won't be having shared placement of.
Alternatively - and please listen closely because this is my REAL suggestion - lay off the guy and allow him to take care of you. Unless he is a deadbeat, he will step up. If you trust him to not get suspended and maybe get a new, better job he will probably do that. If you call him a moron and continue to threaten him, using his kids as ransom -you deserve to be single. No one could live like that.
Do yourself a favour and stop trying to be his mom.