Tired of being told I won't be able to do it...

farmerp · May 2012

Since I first found out I was PG, I've wanted to labor naturally. There are a variety of reasons, but the bottom line is that I would prefer an unmedicated birth unless baby and I at risk. But from the get go, I've kept hearing from both my mom (who had a natural birth with me) and my MIL (who used meds with both hers) that I won't be able to handle it. I've heard the "you have a low pain tolerance" line from my mom a dozen times. MIL just says that "oh you'll change your mind when you're in there." Is it so wrong of me to be pretty ticked off at their gall?

I vented a little to DH, and his response was that he thinks they just don't want me to feel like I've cornered myself into only having one option. He also said I should just say that I'm still thinking about how I'd like to labor if either side of the family brings it up. But I just want to feel like I have their support in whatever I choose to do. I told DH that I need him to be the one who is the most confident in my ability to do this, but he said that he'll do as much as he can and then the nurse will have to coach me. I didn't conceive this baby with a nurse, and although educated for this precise situation, the nurse is not nearly as invested in the child as we are! I'm just feeling really alone in this to some degree. I know DH loves me and our baby, but I just can't help feeling like I need him to be more on my side through things.

Hopefully everyone will come around, and if not, I'm just going to try my best to prove them all wrong and do it natural anyway!

BootsOrHearts · May 2012

Have you thought about hiring a doula? It can be very helpful to have a support person who has been there and knows what to expect. Of course your husband is a key person but they don't have the same kind of experience. At the end of the day, it's you and your husband's choice what happens, not your mother or MIL so don't worry about their naysaying.

danieliza1127 · May 2012

At this point I would just play along and when your mom or MIL say stuff like that, just say "well we'll see I guess!" and change the subject. You don't need their support. They won't be in the room with you. In the end, it's up to you (and a smaller extent) your husband to make that day go how you want it to go. It sounds like he is feeling like he won't know how to help you, which I think is normal for a guy to feel that way, so maybe you and he should take a class so that he feels better prepared.

Celyn · May 2012

Tell your DH that their lack of support of you *is* what would corner you into a lack of options. I can't think of anything more cornering than convincing oneself that one can't handle the pain and planning on an epidural, except maybe convincing oneself that they can't handle a vaginal delivery and planning a c-section. It's pretty rare that I hear someone say they had their epidural turned off when they got confident they could handle it.

Just educate yourself on what it all feels like emotionally and physically, so that you can identify where you are in your labor and know whether what you're experiencing is normal. It helps if your partner is similarly educated, so he can help you identify normalcy when you're questioning it.

wannabigfam · May 2012

My advice is to just ignore people :-) If you end up going non-medicated, vaginal childbirth, the next pregnancy people won't say much - because you will have proved them wrong :-)

With my first pregnancy, the only comments I received other than support from my mom (who had 3 unmedicated, vaginal childbirths herself) were "oh you'll be begging for the epidural" or "you are crazy, why would you even try to do that" or "you don't get a medal for doing it without medication" or "you THINK you can do this" or "there are no harmful effects of meds on the baby, so why are you bothering to go through all that pain". Personally I think people make comments like this because 1) they haven't experienced natural birth themselves, so they really ARE talking out their asses, 2) they are just a TINY bit insecure, even if they don't recognize it, about potential effects of medication on the baby & mom...so to justify the fact they had an epidural or meds, they try to put down anyone who is choosing to NOT have these interventions (I think this happens on a subconscious level - the train of thought of "oh well if she's doing it differently than I am, one of us must be wrong" kind of thought)

Believe me no one had anything to say after I had a pretty much pain FREE natural med free birth and only pushed for 10 minutes. Just ignore people :-)

chris&kendra1 · May 2012

Have you spoken to your mom about how much her doubt upsets you? My mom is okay with my natural plan, but I haven't spoken to my sister about it. My sister knew from the get go she wanted an epidural and pain meds. That was her choice and I didn't say anything to her, but I know that if I told her my plan, she would tell me "good luck" and "you'll change your mind" and things like this.

Whenever this conversation with her does come up, if she is disapproving as I suspect, I will tell her that I waited this long to tell her because of her doubt. I'll also tell her it's disappointing to me a discourages me. I know she'll understand then and she'll back off and support me. I don't know what your relationships with your mom and MIL are, but I would recommend telling them that it upsets you and that you know what you're getting into. Maybe they will understand how serious you are about it then.

I think your husband will come around. Mine took awhile, but he gets that I'm very serious about it and he's supporting me. We also hired a doula. Good luck!

courtfsu · May 2012

wannabigfam:

My advice is to just ignore people :-) If you end up going non-medicated, vaginal childbirth, the next pregnancy people won't say much - because you will have proved them wrong :-)

With my first pregnancy, the only comments I received other than support from my mom (who had 3 unmedicated, vaginal childbirths herself) were "oh you'll be begging for the epidural" or "you are crazy, why would you even try to do that" or "you don't get a medal for doing it without medication" or "you THINK you can do this" or "there are no harmful effects of meds on the baby, so why are you bothering to go through all that pain". Personally I think people make comments like this because 1) they haven't experienced natural birth themselves, so they really ARE talking out their asses, 2) they are just a TINY bit insecure, even if they don't recognize it, about potential effects of medication on the baby & mom...so to justify the fact they had an epidural or meds, they try to put down anyone who is choosing to NOT have these interventions (I think this happens on a subconscious level - the train of thought of "oh well if she's doing it differently than I am, one of us must be wrong" kind of thought)

Believe me no one had anything to say after I had a pretty much pain FREE natural med free birth and only pushed for 10 minutes. Just ignore people :-)

All of this. I used to get the "Trust me, you're going to want the epidural." And in the throws of labor, I did ask for it.....once....after I was completely dialated. I had no idea I was already at 10 and once I knew that...I knew I could make it the rest of the way. We had to wait about 40 minutes on the doctor to show up (Oww), but I started pushing at 11:40 pm and DS was born at 11:42. It was an awesome experience. Seek out women with positive natural birth experiences and talk to them. This helped me tremendously.

dani2480 · May 2012

I'd second the idea of hiring a doula. A doula will be a far better support in guiding both your and your DH during delivery, as opposed to a nurse, if your goal is a natural birth. A good doula will also be there for you, no matter what you wind up deciding to do, and won't make you feel guilty or foolish for your choices.

Also, if your DH is open to it, have him read "The Birth Partner". I think he may find it helpful for learning what to expect and how to handle things. He can still lean on the L&D staff and/or a doula for additional guidance and support, but some sort of preparation in advance will not only help him (and you) on the day of, it will also help you both as you get closer to the due date.

What other options are you considering for managing a natural labor? For instance, do you plan to do Bradley, or one of the Hypno-methods? Taking a class on natural childbirth will give you a network of people who are supportive of your choices, and tools for managing your labor and delivery. I'm doing Hypnobabies (the home study course -- so I don't have the built in network through a class), and have really enjoyed it. It teaches you how to deal with your fears around childbirth, and also teaches you how to not let the negative stories/opinions of others get to you. I've found now that when someone starts pushing their agenda/experience on me, I'm able to let it slide off my back more easily (e.g. DH's aunt randomly came up to me at my shower and said "get the meds! Don't even think twice, just GET THE MEDS!" I hadn't even told her of my plans, but I just nodded politely and smiled, and excused myself from the conversation -- I then reminded myself that that was the right choice for her, and that she meant well, but that her experience/opinion had no bearing on my own).

I'd also advise you stop talking with anyone who is not supportive about your plans. There really isn't any reason why your mom or MIL needs to know that you plan to go natural -- unless you're planning on having them in the room with you during the delivery (in which case, I would reconsider that, because I can't see their presence being helpful at this point). So, don't make it a topic of conversation, and when they bring it up, change the subject or dismiss yourself from the conversation.

unstuck6jb · May 2012

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, I don't have many people I can talk with about my desires because most women just tell me to get the meds and get over it. I am also concerned about my DH really understanding and being supportive of me. I have tried to hire a Doula, but I live in a small town and haven't had any success finding anyone so I'm afraid I'll be on my own. My next step is to just work with myself and DH more to get us both prepared. I don't think it's helpful to try and convince people around you that don't believe in you. Just focus on yourself and the experience that you want. I've been reading Birthing from Within and I like it so far. Really anything you can do to help you empower yourself would be well worth the time. Hopefully for both of us we will be able to count on our DH's and then regardless of what anyone else says, if you are happy with your birth experience then that's all that matters! GL!

Holly929 · May 2012

I am having this same issue! Every single time I tell people I want to do it naturally I get exhanged glances between women that already have children and rolling eyes. I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "look, if you guys did it, I KNOW I can do it!" Just support me!!

nosoup4u · May 2012

Get a doula! Or find a friend or relative who's had a med-free birth before and can help you out during labor.

My DH really liked having someone there who was able to help him out in supporting me. Andplusalso, having her around gave him a chance to take breaks when he needed one. She also was able to let him know how I was acting and what was happening to me was totally normal and not something to worry about.

It's hard, but med-free birth isn't impossible. Just tell them that it's a good idea to plan and practice for one even if you were planning on an epidural, because it can take time to get an epidural, or it might not even work.

hth!

MrsAB1316 · May 2012

I get this a lot, too. I have to keep reminding people that I had third degree burns to the scalp, neck and back in a grease fire. Morphine didn't even TOUCH that pain. If I could live through that, I'll surely be able to handle childbirth. There is an older lady I worked with at my last job...she told me that childbirth is painful, but it's tolerable because you know there is an end to it. She said her wisdom teeth hurt her worse than birthing two boys did.

You got this, girl...

BrideNamedMeg · May 2012

Just ignore them! I swear like a sailor when I stub my toe and was flopping around today complaining to my mom because my AF cramps were hurting me so much, yet I managed two completely natural births and can't wait to do it again Pain tolerance in the "real world" has nothing to do with your ability to go natural!

ateal2490 · May 2012

In all reality, the coaching that actually helped me came from my midwife and not my H. He really had no idea what labor is like...how could be accurately coach me? He did his best, which was great, but the midwife actually understood the things that I was feeling. I would really suggest being open to outside help.

Additionally, don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot handle. Childbirth brings an entirely new definition to pain, not because its so outrageously horrible, but because it comes with a purpose! That makes it completely different and also makes your pain tolerance irrelevant. Believe in yourself, and do yourself a favor and ask everyone around you to stop commenting on if they believe in your ability to do this. You CAN do this.

KorieAngela · May 2012

I've been hearing that from everyone who I tell...It's SOOOOOO annoying. I'm also at the point of wanting to do it just to prove people wrong. I have other reasons as well but it's the thought of people telling me I can't do something that makes me want to do it even more!

I have faith in you! Especially if you want it bad enough!!!

farmerp · May 2012

I'm so appreciative of everyone's comments and support. I had dinner last night with Mom and the women on her side of the family and they started joking around about taking bets on how long it'd be before I started screaming for meds. But...I simply said, "Well, thank you for your support," and let it roll.

I looked into having a doula, but I honestly haven't been able to find one within even a 50-mi radius of us. We also have only one hospital and one OB office (4 doctors) with delivery rights at that hospital. No birthing centers, etc. either, and DH is scared to death of something going wrong in a homebirth. After meeting with the staff of the Mother-Baby Care Center at the hospital though, I'm feeling much better. Both of the nurses that run it are awesome and both advocate natural birth and breastfeeding.

I'm doing self-study of the Hypnobirthing. Anybody have anything else they recommend for preparation? The hospital offers a childbirth class, but it's only 3 weeks for 2 hours each week...not much preparation there!

Thanks again for all your kind words and affirmations ladies!

Want a personalized experience?

Tired of being told I won't be able to do it...

Re: Tired of being told I won't be able to do it...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards