August 2012 Moms
Mrs.RTH
member
Keeping In-laws out of delivery room after delivery?
Mrs.RTH
member
I do not want my in-laws in the room when I'm in labor, and I'd also like some time alone with just hubby, baby and me to bond and recover after he is born. I'm not close to my in-laws (and honestly I can't stand my FIL and if it were up to me my baby and I would have nothing to do with him since he's a total jack*ss). So I recently suggested to my husband that rather than having them come to the hospital when I'm in labor and spending hours staring at the waiting room walls, we tell them to come after baby is born. That way we get our time alone with baby and they aren't sitting in the waiting room for half a day for no reason since I don't want them in the room for awhile. Well my hubby threw a fit about that because "it's not fair to them" to make them wait an hour to see the baby because it's their grandchild and they should get to bond with him immediately too. I could see him being mad if I wanted my dad there immediately but not his parents, but I'd have my dad come after the baby was born as well. When I got pregnant I planned on having my mom with me when I was in labor, but she passed away a week ago so she won't be there at all (which makes me want alone time with baby even more). My husband is more concerned about making his parents happy and not offending them than my desire to have some bonding time with my baby. So I'm wondering, is there any way to keep them out of the room for awhile even if my hubby still disagrees with me? If I tell the nurses I don't want anyone in there for an hour (irregardless of what my husband says) will they keep them in the waiting room? Better yet, does anyone have any advice on how to get my husband to support me on this? I really don't want this to be a point of contention, but it's important to me so I will fight for it tooth and nail. My husband usually sides with his family rather than me (a lovely trait that didn't pop up until after we got married) and some things I just give in on but I want to put my foot down on this one. I think subconciously my hubby is still desperate for his parent's (especially his dad's) approval and his dad instead gives sarcastic put-downs or belittles him. Hubby would deny all of that but it's clear as day to impartial viewers if you see them interact for more than an hour. Anyways, anyone have suggestions on how to make sure I get some alone time with my baby boy before the in-laws come in and snatch him away from me?
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Re: Keeping In-laws out of delivery room after delivery?
One of my biggest regrets after having DD was having visitors too soon after my delivery! I was so uncomfortable when my in laws came in to meet the baby, but I felt obligated to let them since they had been waiting for so long. There is so much that goes on after you deliver a baby. For me, it was getting stitched, learning how to nurse for the first time, and just havi g a chance to eat for the first time in 16 hours! I have already told DH and my in laws I will not be having visitors the first day with this one. It is much more important for you and DH to bond as a family then the grandparents. In fact I would say that is irrelevant because they will have plenty of opportunities to do so. You will never get those first few hours back, and I so wish I wouldn't have shared them. Not to mention I was uncomfortable because I tore so bad I hadn't even been able to get out of bed when visitors started to stream in. I remember there still being blood on the sheets, and I was really insecure about that. It will be your body on display......I think you should have the final say. My DH is being a really good sport,since my mom and sister get to be there for the labor, I was worried he wouldn't be ok with not having his parents come the first day. I think since we have been through it before, he realizes how much my body has to go through and that I should get anything I want.
gl and I hope you and DH can agree on what goes on!
My hospital suggests skin to skin contact for an hour after the baby is born and trying to bf immediately if you ate planning on that. For that reason even though my mom and mil will be in the room for delivery they have to leave for an hour after. Only dh me and the baby will be allowed. Aybr show him that the bonding isn't to keep others out but it's for the baby's benefit. There are studies on it to support you.
But I do believe the nurses will keep them out even if dh wants them in. I just feel like that would cause a fight with dh and is that how you want to start your baby' s first day out? I think if you tell all the parents they can be there waiting if they want but that they will be waiting a long time that's fair. Then it's their choice.
I had a similar situation with my DH about a month ago. I don't want anyone in the room during or right after labor. At first he was alittle upset by this but them we took a tour of the hospital and started our birthing classes and he changed his mind. These are some of the points I/hospital/birth instructor went over that changed his mind:
1) Once baby is born mom still has to deliver the placenta which can take about 15-30 mins. This is by far the easiest part but during this time mom needs to have staff around to help with this. Baby can be on moms chest and they can be bonding during this process but it is not really a time for visitors.
2) If you deliver vaginally and you tear they will have to fix/sew you up. Depending on the degree of the tear there will be staff in the room and your still exposed, so not a good time for FIL to walk in the room.
3) They also initiate breast feeding in the first hour. So you will have nurses trying to get baby to latch on and prob dont want MIL or FIL there.
4) At our hospital you only stay in the delivery room for 2 hrs after birth (so you can pass placenta, they can fix tears, make sure you dont hemorrhage, and check the baby). Then they move you up to the recovery floor. I told DH it would be easier and reduce confusion if we waited to have visitors till we were moved to the recovery room (where well be for 2-3 days).
These points really helped him understand that just getting the baby out is a big accomplishment but stuff is still going on. He agreed to wait a bit and let us get settled before calling in the IL.
wow. i'm also a first time mom, so i can't really give advice what factual data would be useful for your arguement.
however, the whole part about your husband always siding with your parents over you is TERRIBLE. you and this baby should trump anything and everything. i am sure it is beyond frusturating to deal with.
it sounds like this is an issue that has caused problems before, is causing problems now and will definitely continue to cause problems in the future.
my advice: this is the type of thing that needs counseling. it sounds like he's got some pretty deep seeded parental issues that he needs to sort out. if he'd be open to that, i would jump on it.
i would DEFINITELY not back down from your opinion. it is a justifiable one. i would just hate to see this be something he holds over you long after the baby is born.
I haven't really thought about talking this over with DH but I think it is time to begin discussing. The problem with my IL's is that my MIL trys and guilts DH into feeling bad for her or wrong for not doing something that she wanted. We have been together 9 years and have been working on this but still happens from time to time.
My sister had her family there waiting for my nephew to be delivered, but her husbands family didn't come until after the baby was born and she was back in her room.
I am all for standing your ground and not letting people in until you are back in your room and had enough bonding time with LO. I know my parents will want to be there waiting. Thinking they might give me more of an issue then IL's but MIL is always full of surprises....
All of this. I'm a FTM and thankfully, my ILs live 1300 miles away and are too lazy to visit (yes, they expect us to fly with a newborn so that they can see and smother him - totally not happening). But if they lived close by, I would not let them in the room during labor or immediately after - that is bonding time for me and DH and baby. ONLY. Most hospitals have a protocol where MTB dictates who is allowed in the room and when, and the nurses will abide by it. While this is likely to cause probs with your DH, he needs to understand that this is HIS time and there will be plenty of time for his parents to interact with the baby once that initial bonding is established. Make sure he understands how important this alone time is, not just for you, but your for your new family unit. He will come around.
Good luck!
Baby Girl Lennon born sleeping 6-18-11 Baby Boy Anderson born healthy and happy 8-17-12
Ask your doctor how it's setup at your hospital, or do a hospital tour.
With my last hospital the maternity ward was open. My IL's saw DS through the nursery glass before I really got a chance to hold him. I hated that. I was wheeled the recovery while he was in there, and in came DH. He more or less was in charge of who was allowed in. My mom, and IL's came in during that bonding time. I of course did not try to BF right then with FIL there. It was a good hour before I did....and let's just say I totally regret that.
This time (new hospital), maternity ward is locked down and only names on the list will be allowed through. For me that will be DH, my photographer, and during labor - my mom. Once pushing starts my mom will go to the waiting room. If it weren't for my DS I'm sure at least my MIL would be waiting in the waiting room, but because of DS they'll be called when DD is born. No one gets through the doors until we're ready (mom especially). They highly encourage immediate bonding and want you to BF right away. Then visitors can come in when you're ready - and again, only of they're on the list. For us that will be with DS coming in alone at first. Then DH will go get our parents.
Stand your ground. Explain to your DH that immediate BFing is very important and it's not an easy process. Make this time about the three of you. You will have carried this baby for 9 months, and the last thing youre going to want to do is hand over your baby for someone else to hold as soon as you give birth. The baby will still be there in an hour. If he won't listen, make it clear in a birth plan and to the doctor/nurses. The nurses will listen to your needs.
I really don't think you should have a problem with the visitors. I doubt your hospital will just let people file in right away. They have to clean up baby and you and possibly move you to a recovery room so I think you'll get your time in.
Like a PP said, tell the nurses. The nurses rule and they won't care about being rude to visitors. If you don't want to see anyone then you won't. You have the say as the mother, tough sh!t for your H. You can also put it in your birth plan so everyone can see that it's something you've been thinking of for a while and not just a last minute choice. Not that it would matter since you decide.
Hopefully you deliver in the evening once visiting hours are over anyway so this won't be an issue at all
In regards to your husband, you should just stand your ground. Try not to cave so much and just tell him that this is how it's going to go. You are not comfortable having anyone there right after and when you are ready to have any visitors that's when they'll be allowed in. In my hospital the dads matter very little in regards to decision making unless the mom has deferred all questions to the dad. The nurses/staff will ask us question, DH would answer and then they'd ask me specifically and then I would give my answer. My answer wins. Moms win. Don't stress.
this is a major communication issue between you and your husband and it goes so much deeper than what is going to happen in the hospital. You guys need counseling because a marriage partnership will not last or be of any quality if he is always siding with his family. That's not healthy and he needs to stop.
many hospitals have 1-2 hours of protected time after baby is born for skin to skin contact and breastfeeding, find out what your hospital does.
go over all the things that have to happen after baby is born, like placenta, stitching you up/cleaning up, weighting, testing, shots, etc.
do NOT call family and let them know you are in labor, call them after baby has arrived so they won't be sitting in the delivery room. Your dh will have to get on board with this.
Enlist your nurses to help.
but really, you guys need counseling, you are going to run into many more issues in the future as parents if he is letting his parents meddle and dictate how he does things. Your family comes first, he needs to learn boundaries.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
First, for the actual problem of not wanting ILs in there too soon- your nurses WILL be your advocate- they will not ask your DH, they will ask YOU what you are comfortable with (since your DH will not just have given birth).
Second- your DH needs an attitude adjustment. He doesn't get to make command decisions on your birthing/hospital experience, and he doesn't get to demand his parents be anywhere near your newborn. I could understand him being upset if you were to let your whole family in except his parents, but if you're requesting a blanket "no one to visit immediately" then I think he needs to back off. Clearly he doesn't "get" what you're about to go through (even the easiest delivery is taxing and painful)- he needs to be a support for you, not a puppet for his parents. I'd have a "come to Jesus" talk with him before the baby comes- you're about to have a baby of your own and he needs to be apart of YOUR unit, not theirs- you're not hired help, you're his wife.
That said, I am very close with my IL's and I had them all (and my mom, too) in the delivery room about 5 minutes after I gave birth-- they were really just coming to wait in the waiting area but DD had come so fast no one had time to get to the hospital before she arrived. They were all SUPER confused when they came in (the nurse asked me first if they could come in, I agreed because I had a super fast/complication free delivery), they thought I looked very cheery for someone in labor LOL- but they came in for 5-10 minutes, said their congrats and saw our daughter, but they didn't linger (they're honestly super respectful though, I think they knew it would be a brief "hello"). DH and I then got 1-2 hours completely on our own with DD before they moved me into recovery and they came for an extended visit (they all went down and ate breakfast and gathered presents for DD and waited until DH gave them the "all clear" to come back). I wouldn't hesitate to have it that way again, but I'm comfortable with that. I wouldn't let my DH dictate who would be in the room in the first hours, but I don't really think he'd try to either.
Agreed!!!
When DS was born, we didn't call anyone until we were ready for them to come to the hospital (probably about an hour after birth). They all knew that I was being induced that day, but we'd made it clear that we did not want a bunch of people sitting in the waiting room ready to run in when the baby arrived. They weren't thrilled about our decision, but it wasn't up to them! I honestly would have preferred that we didn't have any visitors at all the first day, but that probably wouldn't have gone over at all with them. Thankfully, DS wasn't born until 6 PM, so by the time we called and everybody arrived, they only got to peek at him through the nursery window--and then visiting hours were over!! I didn't see any of them until the next day. Keep in mind (and tell your DH) that you probably will not want to see anyone within the first hour (or more) because you'll be recovering. Labor isn't easy! You will not be allowed out of the L&D unit (to a real room) until you can get out of bed on your own, and are all cleaned up. For me, that process took a whole hour--I hadn't even seen much of DS within that hour, let alone been able to nurse him or get presentable.
I believe that the nurses should be on your side about keeping people out of the room for your sake. Trust me, you will not want the inlaws there to watch the first time you stand up after giving birth!! As far as your DH goes, he needs to get on board with you. You guys are going to be the parents of a new baby, he needs to realize that his mommy and daddy have to come second now because his wife and baby are first.
Does DH go to your OB appointments with you? Perhaps you could have your OB help explain why it's not the best idea to have people hanging around all day waiting. When you ask, make it obvious that you don't want visitors right after delivery. You can ask the question like "I'm really anxious about the fact that my husband would like to have our family in the delivery room with us...etc". I would mention that you aren't very close to them and that this experience was something that you had been planning on sharing with your mother who has passed. I'm sure your doc can come up with at least 100 reasons why they shouldn't be there. Also, you could try having a woman to woman talk with your MIL. I know you said you aren't close to them, but as someone who has gone through it, perhaps she would understand (as long as you leave out that FIL is a jackass!)
I don't think you can control when they get to the hospital, but you can definitely control when they come in. Make it clear to them that you will be spending as much time as needed bonding with you baby and will let them know when they can come in. I also agree with PP about letting your wishes known with the nurses. They have no problem being the bad guys and kicking people out or keeping people out all together. When I had DS, my MIL and I were on TERRIBLE terms. I told them she was not allowed in the room at all. They ended up posting a sign on my door that all visitors had to check in at the nurses station. It was actually nice to get the heads up of who was waiting to come in instead of just getting a knock and being surprised. Thankfully, MIL never tried to come in that time.
This time around I have no problem telling ppl they will be waiting a while to meet DD. Not only do DH and I want to bond with her, but I also want DS to be the first to meet her and I don't want any of the grandparents to be in the room when that happens. We have waited much too long for this LO for anyone to just take her out of my arms before I'm good and ready.
You don't have to tell them anything.
When you pre-register at our your hospital there is a form you fill out on who can and can't come into the room.
When you go in to labor tell your husband not to tell anyone, it's an experience for the both of you.
Also I'm a believer in not "asking/requesting" something you really want, "tell" your husband to let his parents/your parents know the baby is here and you will let them know when you are home so they all can visit.
Keep it simple, don't stress over it. Plus you don't want anyone there anyways because you will look like a hot mess, or at least I did.
Good Luck.
My advice on communication? Get some professional help now before baby comes. You've got lots of red flags here and life is only about to get harder (and richer, of course). As part of the counseling, work on talking about this particular issue (that represents larger issues).
My advice on the vistor side: make your wishes known ahead of time. Clear expectations is fair, healthy communication (even if the hearer doesn't like what you have to say). Making the nurses be the bad guys because of your lack of transparency is not helpful to anyone, least of all your overall family dymanic.
We decided to keep relatives informed via phone so they felt included, but we made it clear that no one should come to the hospital. We said that we imagined that we might want visitors the next day, but that is a decision we would make after the birth. We would let them know, after the birth, when we were ready for visitors. Had someone showed up uninvited, we would've stuck to the plan previously communicated.
More Green For Less Green
Thanks for the advice everyone! I will deffinetly tell the nurses as soon as we get there that no one is allowed in the room until I say so, not matter what DH says.
As for counseling (which many of you have suggested), I would be more than happy to get some, but DH "doesn't believe in counseling" and thinks therapists are all crocks. The few times I have been able to drag him kicking and screaming to speak with a church marriage counselor he wasn't totally open about everything with him and it doesn't do us much good when DH doesn't follow the advice he was given anyways.
Let your nurses know. They kept everyone out when we wanted them out AND kicked them out of the room when I asked. they told me that they would do that for us and they do not mind it!
first of all, soo sorry to hear about your mom :,(
i think when the time comes, your husband will be in the moment and will want to cherish that special time with just you and your new baby! also, i think it would be kind of overwhelming for the baby to be passed around to a bunch of people right away. his parents will have the rest of their lives to bond with their grandchild, that first hour or so is special & should just be for you two to enjoy your new child.