Tell me about Birthmom meetings
Please share your stories. I know they are more nevous than we are because they are the ones choosing a family for their baby but I'm just worried about it being awkward or me saying something accidentally offensive. How do you refer to the baby, as theirs? ours? our future baby? our possible future baby? Do you speaking in terms of them following through with their adoption plan or speak like if they follow through with thier adoption plan?
I know some of you suggested bringing photos but they've already seen our 20 page shutterfly photo book profile so I feel like bringing more pictures might be over doing it? Plus all our best pictures where in the book. Our agency says gifts are not appropriate at this time. Any other suggested ice breakers?
If you experienced a failed adoption where there there any signs that would suggest they aren't sure of their decision?
I have no idea when she is due, do most agencies make them wait until close to their due date to meet the family they choose? My social worker won't tell me any details. Its frustrating. I know these are trivial questions but hearing about your experiences will help put my worries aside so please share!
Started TTC January 2007
4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm
Re: Tell me about Birthmom meetings
For our failed match, DH was out of town and they wanted to meet at a specific time and it was an hour after we talked. I thought I was going to puke. They knew he was gone and said that was ok and we'd meet again when he got home. I sat in my car in a parking lot and didn't think I could move. Ever. But I did. It went really well. It was so surreal thinking I could be sitting next to my baby. We didn't talk about the baby at all, actually. I don't think I would have referred to him as "ours" because until we got to know each other more, I don't think it's appropriate, but every situation is different. We talked about our families and what we liked to do. BF wanted to know what cars we drove and what kind of snowmobiles we liked. He was a 16 year old boy so I think that's what he could relate to. BM was so sweet and so was her Mom. She was only 20 weeks or so. We didn't talk about the baby until later.
Our match with Luke's BM, the social worker called while I was at Target. I sat in the aisle and talked to BM for an hour. She did ask questions about the adoption and openness. She talked about her other kids and why she was choosing adoption and why she chose us. She lived 10 hours away and wanted to meet us but DH had to stay home because SS had school so I went alone. I liked her immediately. We talked about everything under the sun, but not really the baby. She did bring up her hospital plan the next day and asked me to be in the delivery room and said she wanted the baby in our room at the hospital too, but that she'd like time with him too. I told her we'd do whatever she wanted.
Will your SW be at the meeting? That can help. You can ask her questions about how she's feeling, things she likes, doesn't like. Tell her about you and your families. Things you like to do for fun. Maybe bring some fun snapshots that weren't included in your profile. I know it's horribly nerve wracking, but it will be fine. Take a deep breath :-)
Hi,
Our story was a little different as DD was already born, but I'll answer anyway.
We were a little worried about what to say, but really, it was an easy conversation. Plus our SW was there to help guide things. Before we went in to meet DD's BM and BGM, her SW told us some of the things we were likely to talk about. The conversation flowed very well after that.
We just referred to her as the baby. We didn't really talk about following through one way or another. That part wasn't directly addressed in our conversation.
I still think bringing some snapshots would be nice. Esp if you have some old photo albums around to have something to talk about. This may sound cheesy, but the first thing I did was say, "We're big huggers in our family" and hugged DD's BM. We all relaxed after that. It's perfectly OK to tell her you're nervous. She will be, too, and will likely appreciate that you feel the same way.
We didn't experience a failed adoption, so I have no direct experienced with that.
Agencies can vary on when they have e-parents place. My particular agency wouldn't do so until around the 7th month, but some do placements earlier.
GL!
I met dd's Bm when I picked her up to bring her to the hospital, no Sw involved. It was a little unorthodox !
I was in the hospital the whole time with her until our dd was born. I never called ER out baby, mostly the baby. I never talked like she was going though with it, only if. We talked mostly about her more than the baby.
Good luck!
We referred to the baby as just "the baby." Not "our" baby because at that point she wasn't ours. I would just say "the baby" and not "our baby."
When we spoke with our dd's birthmom during the first meeting, we talked about everything as if she would follow through with her adoption plan. We actually didn't bring up as much; her casworker and her mom talked a lot more about that. And dd's birthmom answered our questions about what she hoped for in an open adoption, too.
I still think pics are a great ice breaker, even if they've seen your profile. It gives you something else to focus on if you're nervous or just gives you more to talk about. Will the agency give the birthmom your profile book? If not, you could always make copies of the photos and give them to the expectant mom (unless that's considered a gift and you wouldn't be allowed to. Our agency was fine with us giving photos.)
We met our dd's birthmom in July and dd was due in Sept. She was roughly 6 months along.
My mom told me that she never met my birthmom. I guess mine didn't want anything to do with me. But she did tell me that she actually went through fost-adopt to adopt me so I was fostered by them, then their agent fought for them to be able to adopt. me.
I hope that all goes well with any of your meetings to those who want to adopt. :-) And I agree with klonze1...just be yourself. :-)
We met BM and her parents 2 days after she chose us. We were SO nervous! We were meeting at a low key restaurant (Chili's) with both our social worker and the BM's social worker. When we arrived, we sat in the car because we were pretty early. BM, her parents, and her social worker were already there, and ours was late. We did not take anything with us (no pictures or gifts). BM was having braxton hicks contractions throughout all of dinner and we found out her doctor told her that day that it could be any day (she wasn't due for about another month, but she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 7 months along, so the EDD was a very rough estimate).
We asked questions about the baby (we talked about the baby as "the baby" or "her") Our social workers helped guide the conversation, which was wonderful! BM and family asked us questions about our plans for the future, names, and our home life. They brought up things from our profile book that they liked.
When we were rapping up, she asked us to be in the delivery room with her and talked about her birth plan, which we were provided a copy of earlier in the day.
That was about it. We left feeling pretty good. And three weeks later, we were at the hospital waiting for our little girl!
Started TTC January 2007 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm