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carebear939
member
Frustrated and disappointed in myself...
carebear939
member
This could get long so bare with me...
My SD just turned 5 and for the last two months she has been unbearable to be around. DH and I have been together since she was 2 and up until this time I have never had a problem with her. Because her mother works out of town the custody is 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. She has always seemed fine with going from house to house and while she does sometimes tell me she misses her mom, she is happy to be with our family. Anyway lately she has been crying multiple times a day about missing her mom. She tells us she hates us and we never buy her anything (usually when we say no she can't have McDonald's). We are mean and she only likes her mom and grandfather, they are her family not us. It's heartbreaking to hear this from a child I have helped raise for the past 3 years. Her mother and I get along fine and although I disapprove of some of her parenting, or lack there of, I make it a point never to say anything negative to or around SD. I just don't know how to make SD happier with us when all she asks for is for us to let her do whatever she wants. We are mean to require things like going to bed at a decent time or making her drink milk instead of soda. DH works 24 hour shifts at the fire station so the days that she work its just SD, DS and me. It's hard enough to take care of my 5 month old but when I have her telling me how miserable she is I just want to tell DH I don't want to take care of her the nights he isn't home. I keep telling myself she is only 5 and doesn't know how hurtful what she is saying is and she has had a lot of changes since her bother arrived, but I am about to my limit.
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Re: Frustrated and disappointed in myself...
This has absolutely nothing to do with being a StepKids (though she has more fodder to use/guilt you with) and everything with being a child testing his/her boundaries (temper tantrums) and having a new sibling.
My 3 you has said that she does t like me or that I hurt her feelings all of the time...becuase she isn't getting her way.
Parent her. Be consistent. And be prepared for your second child to do and say the exact same thing in 3-5 years.
My DD told me that she only loves Daddy the other day, becuase I would to give her a snack after dinner, becuase she refused to eat her dinner. That was until Daddy told her no too. Then she yelled at both of us and was sent to her room for time out.
I agree with illumine, it's the age. DD does the same thing. It isn't all the time, sometimes she is reasonable and other times she tells me she doesn't like me, we never buy her anything, etc. her latest jab is telling me she isn't going to make me any more pictures.
Shes testing the waters and you just have to be consistent. I usually tell DD that she has hurt my feelings, and that it's too bad she doesn't like me because I love her and she is stuck with me forever.
Dont be too hard on yourself. Kids are crazy little creatures that push you to the brink of sanity at times.
It's okay to be frustrated. This is frustrating. But I agree it has more to do with being 5 and trying to guilt you.
Try giving her choices when it's appropriate. So she can't have soda for dinner, she can have milk or water and let her pick. If she doesn't like her options then don't give her anything. And stay consistent with consquences. When she acts out explain to her that while you understand she is sad/mad/frustrated the appropriate way to deal with those emotions is to talk them out.
Have you considered talking to a child psychologist? They may have some ideas about how to ease her transitions between houses. And if you have a pretty good relationship with BM, she may be open to going too?
Don't blame yourself. It is her age.
At 5, my SD would cry and scream that she wanted to go home. It didn't matter if we had a great day, she would just freak out and want to be with her mom at bedtime. I would listen to her and simply tell her that I understood she was upset, but this is just the way it is. She could usually be distracted with something else or a story. You are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns as a parent. Maybe give her some more choices to give her a bit of control - picking out what book to read, letting her decide which nightlight to switch on. It helps them feel more in control.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. SD stopped her freakouts after about six months. The ladies on here helped me keep my sanity during that period!
At any given moment my almost 4 year old will tell me that he loves me or doesn't like me. He says the same think to my DH, his brother, our dogs, Dora, etc.
It's the age. It isn't personal and if you let her see it's bothering you then she's in the power position which is never a good thing until they go away to college.
My DS told me a couple weeks ago that he's "not my family anymore", that the baby is only my family, and he that wishes he could go live with a different family. Ouch!
When calmly reinforcing my decision this evening (about him having to eat what I made for supper), he told me that I was hurting his feelings, and that I was mean. (This was accompanied by much crying and almost-yelling).
Things'll be really great for a while, then he seems to need to test me again. It doesn't help that my DH is away right now... I have found that the tantrums have gotten fewer (since about age 3), but if he doesn't have a time-out for a while, he seems to forget that they exist, and will be really upset (ie: yelling at me) when told he's getting one. It's been a stressful few weeks too, so it doesn't help when he starts behaving this way.
Good luck