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Blended Families
2 daddies??
I'm new to this board but need some advice.
DH and I got together very shortly (a couple months) after my son was born. DH has been around nonstop, taking him in as his own. There is no doubt in my mind that he views him as HIS son. EX has been in and out of his life, pretty much when it is convenient. He misses visits without calling, child support is inconsistant. I am currently trying to get sole-custody though it has been a loong drawn out process (Ex first agreed to sign over rights, until he found out DH wanted to adopt him, now he's fighting for sole-custody too). My son calls DH 'daddy' and while DH takes pride in it, I can't help but feel a twinge of concern. I wouldn't want him to call anyone else 'mommy'. I've been fiddling with the idea of explaining to my son that he has 2 daddies, one that lives him him and one that made him, but I'm not sure if this is right. I need some input please....
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Re: 2 daddies??
Just do what you feel everyone is comfortable with. I do agree that just because a man made a child, doesn't make him a father. If your SO is more of a father to your son, taking care of him, taking pride in him, etc.. and your son wants to call him daddy, then by all means, go with it!
In my situation, my boyfriend has become somewhat of a "father figure" to my 4 year old, but my daughter has a dad she sees though he lives in another town over an hour away. I've noticed that my boyfriend, who I am having a child with now, is more of a father to my daughter then I think her real dad will ever be, but she calls him by his first name. I am very lucky to be with someone who I know cares about my daughter, and she cares about him. He'll be more of a dad to her, but she'll call him by his name, as his daughter will call me by mine!!
Go with your gut, if this man IS a father to your son, let it happen ... you are so very lucky that someone loves your son just as much as you do! Embrace it!
Her son from father #1 is15mos and she is over is 6mos PG with her husband's child.
My DS calls my husband Daddy, and he also calls his biological father Daddy. There's almost never any confusion about who he means, since he only talks about his biological father after visits, which are a few times a year.
But when there is confusion, I just ask "Your California Daddy (XH) or your Daddy here?"
DS was 18 months when XH and I split, was 4 when DH and I married, and is now 7. After our wedding, we told him that he could call Danny (DH) whatever he wanted, and he chose Daddy. For the next couple years, he would go back and forth between Danny and Daddy. And for the last year and a half, it's been all Daddy. DH doesn't care one way or the other, so it's always been up to DS.
My rationale on the issue is that DH functions as Daddy. DH chose to be here, and he does the homework, practices, school events, etc. XH can't usually be bothered to even call DS on his birthday. DS knows he has two dads, and that they both love him. And I believe he loves both of them. Does it cause him some confusion? Sure, I imagine it does at times.
But I think the most important thing is that DS has a Daddy is here for him. And I wouldn't want to take that away from him simply because it hurts XH's feelings (and XH has never commented on it, so who knows).
If XH were more involved, we would not have given DS the option of calling DS Daddy. But really, I have to do what I think is best for my kid, and I will choose DS's feelings/wants/needs over XH's feelings/wants/needs every single time.
If the situation were reversed, and I chose to not be involved, and a stepmom was mom to my child 345 days a year, I would like to think that I wouldn't begrudge her being mom either.
At 15 months old, I don't think the child has a clear grasp on the Daddy name so really you are teaching him what to call your DH and his dad. You can't really get into a deep conversation and see how the boy feels about it. You're setting the precedent.
So if you want him to call your DH "Daddy" then keep encouraging that. If his bio dad and DH are ok with him calling them both dad - Bonus.
I might get flamed for this but my SD has called me "mom" or "mommy" since I got engaged to her father, She has also called her SF "dad" since BM and SF got married. As she was growing up we just explained that some kids had one mommy and daddy, that she was lucky enough to have two mommies and two daddies. We started explaining this to her when she was 3 1/2 and there has never been any confusion for her. We all know which parent she is talking about, based on the conversation and both bio parents are fine with the step parent being called either mom or dad. In fact when I have picked up SD from BM's house, BM will say "Go on to the car while I talk to your mom" and we will say the same of SF. I think that at this age he is really to young to have too much confusion and as long as all the adults are on the same page then he won't be confused at all.
I started dating DH when DS1 was about 20mo old and we got married when he was two. DS doesn't remember life without DH. DH had two kids already and they called him daddy so DS thought that was his name. At first we tried to to correct it but when DH became a SD we let it go. BF wasn't super involved. He wasn't as bad as your BF when it came to being consistant but he didn't fill all of DS's needs as a father. DH did. We did get DS to call DH and BF "daddyfirstname" so there wasn't confusion.
Two years ago BF decided he didn't want to be a parent anymore and let DH adopt DS. Now DH is just daddy and he calls BF "myfirstname". He isn't allowed to have any contact with BF again until he is at least 18 but I'm not erasing BF from his life. His baby photo albums and baby book are where he can look at them anytime. We still talk about BF when DS asks questions. He has a picture of the two of them in a frame on his dresser. He knows that BF isn't his daddy anymore but he will always know that he was at one time. I was adopted as an infant but my BM is now a big part of my life. Talking about her and my AM and him getting to see those relationships is also helping him understand.
I swear I was meant to answer your post today. I just had this conversation with my DD dad just last week. His major concern is our DD calls my DH daddy all the time. BD gets pissed when she refers to my DH as daddy, despite the major emotional and financial role my DH plays in her life. I told her she is allowed to call people by names that are easy to remember and comfortable for her. I am mommy, my DH is daddy, her BD is daddy, and her paternal grandmother is Nana or mom (she takes care of her 95% of the time when she visits her father). I use to get pissed when she would call her mom, but to my DD, her Nana does everything a mother would do when she visits their house. Kids are going to use names that comfort them and they can identify with. I wish you the best of luck.
I think that if the birth parent has voluntarily given up the majority of time with their child and a step parent steps in it is ok to call that step parent dad or mom.
However in my case my DS has both myself and his bio dad involved in his life and we are his mom and dad. I do not wish for him to call my ex's gf or future wife mom because I am his mom. And vice versa. I do not want him to call my future husband dad because he already has a dad who is very involved in his life.