Do you bring it up?

laurendSept05 · April 2012

What do you do when you are talking to someone for the first time since your loss and they don't bring it up? This has happened to me a couple of times. Not close friends but friends of my mom or sister. I know they know, but they don't say anything. It feels uncomforable for me - I feel like the elephant in the room. They'll say "how are are you?" but thats it. Then I feel weird for bringing it up after that. I feel like people don't want to say anything to upset me, but I feel even more upset that he is not recognized. I feel like a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" would be appropriate. Since the other person doesn't say that, I feel like I'm being morbid or something for bringing it up. Does that make sense? Do you think it is appropriate to say something like; "I'm doing o.k. but missing my son, its been hard..." Or am I just being touchy about this and should just let it go?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · April 2012

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've heard through people that other "friends" are afraid to talk to us. As far as what I say to people - I'm totally honest. If I'm not having a good day, I say so. If I'm truly doing ok, I say so. I say what I want to. I feel I have that right. If people don't like what I say, I honestly don't care. I'm too concerned with taking care of myself and my DH to worry about how others feel or think. Maybe it's just me but that's how I handle it.

jbranden12 · April 2012

It makes sense. I am hurt and sometimes a little angry when I know someone knows but doesn't say anything, even though I know the person just doesn't know what to say or how to handle it. But that's because I still just want to talk about my daughter because I'm thinking about her every second anyway.

It's not morbid, we are grieving and we deserve to be honest about how we are feeling. I'm good at saying what I need to say to keep other people comfortable, but I feel awful afterwards. Usually, I'll say something like "It's tough right now." That lets them know that I'm not going to pretend everything is okay and they shouldn't either.

blessedhope · April 2012

Yes I have and do. I guess I'm beyond caring if it makes someone feel awkward, I had a baby and I have every right to talk about him just like any other mother. Also sometimes I have found people just don't know how to bring it up and don't understand that it won't upset me if they talk about him, it upsets me more if they don't.

tuscanbride2007 · April 2012

I really don't think people know what to say some times. I think people are afraid that if they bring it up, you will start crying. I think it is always appropriate to bring it up if you feel comfortable. He was your son and you loved him with all of your heart. Others need to hear that.

I know I have days where I don't want to be that "poor woman" where people *** their heads to the side and ask how I am doing. And other days I want to tell everyone about her. I think it's all part of the process.

laurendSept05 · April 2012

Thank you for your responses. For some reason this just gives me a lot of anxiety when I'm in social situations - waiting for someone to bring it up, what will I say, how will I react, etc. Its probably why I only want to stay home lately Smile

!

magdalina.h · April 2012

I think it's normal. I've always thought that if you're asking how someone is, you open yourself up to hear the reality. Most of the time I would be honest, but a few times I just left it as fine as I can be.

lrichmond86 · April 2012

I can't stand this. I wish I had a sign on me at all times that said "It's ok to talk about my baby." I usually ignore it and complain to DH later, but if I'm feeling brave I'll mention the baby on purpose just so that they have no choice but to acknowledge him. Snarky, maybe, but it does make me feel better

weddedwife · May 2012

adri823:
I don't bring it up anymore if I know the person knows. Most of DH's close friends have never said anything to me, and at this point I have a "so be it" attitude about that. I think if they would even ask "how are you doing?" I would respond in some way to acknowledge that I am still sad and I still miss my baby, but since they can't even bother with that, oh well. IMO, if you feel like you want to talk about it, then do so, and if it makes things feel morbid or awkward, oh well. I try not to judge anyone too hard anymore, because honestly, before going through this I can't say for sure if I would have been appropriately supportive. And who knows what may be going on in someone else's life that I don't know about. I spent a lot of time being very angry with certain people who never acknowledged Ralphie, but I am finally reaching a point where I try to take their avoidance at face value. It has been eye opening about the character of some people. At the same time, others have completely surprised me with their support, and I know that I have some truly wonderful people in my life.

Oh how I wish I could get to that point of acceptance! I'm so bitter, & hurt by everyone who knows yet says nothing. I can't tell you how many people have said absolutely nothing. I know they don't know what to say, or feel uncomfortable- I don't care. I'm the one who has to deal with this for the rest of my life- they can deal with it for 5 minutes. Yet they don't. It has really made me reevaluate many relationships.

I too would probably have been guilty of not reacting appropriately before this happened either, but I can't stop feeling judgmental anyway. Honestly this is a huge hurdle in my grieving process. How can I respect someone who can't even acknowledge when the worst thing in my life has just happened?

eroplane · May 2012

It makes me furious when people that know don't bring it up. I am a nurse where the babies and I were at so all my co-workers know but more often than not, they don't say anything or give a generic "how are you". I try to talk about them a lot but it leads to crying and it's hard for people to have faith in a weepy ICU nurse. Thank goodness for night shift and dimmed lights.

I don't care how uncomfortable it makes them but like pp.s said I don't know how I would have reacted before either. It sucks all around.

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