Since I became a sahm my husband has taken a back seat role in parenting. He says I have to go to work all day so it's not fair for me to have to come home and give DD a bath or do her bedtime routine. This has led to DD showing resistance to let him help with anything- and now she insists I do everything- from helping her find her toys to carrying her to more serious things like helping to go potty or change clothes. If I need DH to help I have to outline exactly what needs to be done with her.
Does your DH help out? DS is coming in3 months and I'm feeling overwhelmed!
Re: How much does DH help with the kids?
Our schedule is funny so that plays a huge role, but he helps about 50% when we're both home and awake. That being said... he sleeps in until 9:30 most days and then leaves for work at 1. Ideally the baby is napping 9-10:30 and they both go down again at 12. So there's a whole hour and a half when we're all awake at home together. During that hour and a half we share things pretty evenly. During the time when the baby is sleeping I encourage my husband to play with our son to give me a break. It works most days but only if I give him time to eat breakfast etc first. Then he's at work until 10 pm so there's no more helping with the kids until the next morning.
I wish he woke up earlier but I'm pleased with how much he does during the time we're all awake.
We have this understanding:
We BOTH work 9-5 (obviously hypothetical time frame) him at the office- and me at home. During that time we are working doing our respective 'jobs' - now when he is home. I switch from 100% childcare/parenting- to co parenting at 50%... and we split all leftover household duties and kid stuff.
He is the dad- he is reponsible for half of the childcare/parenting
We had the same exact argument also. Eventually we had to have a sit-down, come to jesus talk about it. I basicly stated that my job is 24 hours, and that DH and I BOTH decided to have and take care of this baby. (if yours was unplanned you could say, "we decided to be in this together") I also put across that I literally had no time for anything for myself because I had no help, and it is unfair because we are both her parents.
You guys both work during the day, he just gets paid for it. And your child will show signifacant benefits from being at home with you (not that a daycare child wouldn't) Im sure you have made just as many sacrifices for your family as your DH has. Let him know exactly how you feel and what you need. my DH and I have been able to find a balance and its been much better. He usually is on entertainment duty while I relax or do housework, and then we switch off. But I also try doing as much around the house as I can during the day so that in a way we are both "working" in the daytime and sharing responsibilities at the end of the day.
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
That sucks. If I'm leaving or taking a nap or something I will tell my husband when she last ate/had diaper change, and he's on his own from there on out. I don't have to give him instruction on how to parent his child.
I admit that I usually initiate the bath, but he will without question if I ask him to. We don't give a bath as part of a routine - it's as needed. So I can't blame him for letting me take the lead on that. However, he is just as capable as I am when it comes to noticing she is need of nap/meal/snack/park/outside play/bedtime/etc. He definitely takes just as good of care of her as I do.
I feel for you - you should tell your DH that his behavior needs to change. Immediately.
Right now my kid is actually quite independent. She is going on 5, does the whole night time routine without our help. The real issue will be when Little Man comes and my daughter wants to revert. Then we will see how much he helps out.
More Detail: My hubs wasnt there to really help with my daughter. We werent married. He was in school full time living on campus while I worked full time 2 hrs away.
My Dh understands that when he's home we should be co-parenting, but often he is so tired when he gets home that he just collapses on the couch. He'll read and interact with DD, but I end up doing a lot of the 'work stuff' with DD in the evenings. Even though I am tired, too, she still needs a bath and her bed time routine. I do all of the cooking and cleaning during the week, as well.
Of course, then on the weekends, he is usually leading in parenting duties so it gives me a break. It is hard, but I imagine as DD gets older, it will get easier, at least until we add another kiddo into the mix.
DD2: Lucia (Lucy) 07/13
I agree with all of this. My DH works at home. When he is not working, we pretty evenly split caring for our DD and housework, etc. I would not be happy if I were stuck with all of the child are. Parenting is a full-time job! It isn't fair for him to only be "on" from 9-5 M-F while you need to be "on" 24/7. I would have a serious talk with him.
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DH might see the kids for 15 to 20 minutes a day during the week, about 10 in the am, 10 in the pm, but only if he is not super busy at work and doesn't have anything in the evening. About 2X a month, he takes the kids to ice skating, which takes about 3 hours. He will take DS outside with him if he is working in the yard, but overall, he has very little responsibility for them. The first year and a half that we had two was very hard. DH is not a baby person. He just doesn't know how to comfort them or something. He is much better with DD, even now that DS is 3. Kids who can talk and logic and be well behaved are just more his speed. He is also just busy.
We knew the trade off. He works 55-60 hours a week, rather than both of us working 40 hours, for a total of 80 hours for more money than we made together when we both worked. I appreciate that and make an effort to cultivate friendships with my male friends who are SAHDs, work from home, or are retired, so they can have some man time. DS ask just yesterday if Mr. X could play with him because he didn't want to go to DD's school with me to read to her class. We had gone together to the garden center and out to lunch earlier in the day, and DS enjoys his company. We also have a male babysitter who the kids love. It isn't the same as daddy, but I do think that having strong male influences in your life is beneficial.
Mine doesn't see it as work - maybe that's the problem for your husband? Since DH doesn't see him all day bath and bedtime is when he gets to play with and spend time with our son. And on the weekends he is all over him.
And I agree with the "help" comment. He is our son's father. He does not "help" me with him.
This is my DH as well. He also does a lot of the cooking, does the dishes and the laundry.
Exactly this.
It would really bother me if my DH didnt want to help with that kind of stuff. He loves doing bedtime because he's away from the kids all day and it's his bonding time.
I would definitely have a discussion about this.
When he's home, we split duties pretty evenly. Now that it's getting uncomfortable for me to bend over the bath tub, he takes care of bath nights.
He just came off of a crazy year during which he was gone before they got up in the morning and only saw them a few nights a week. They really started to cling to me and not want much to do with him. It was frustrating and sad for both of us. Now that he's home a lot more, they are getting back into a routine together and love to be around him. In fact, he took the kids to his parents this morning for a visit and won't be back until tomorrow. I'm loving the peace and quiet.
IMO, you both have duties while he is at the office, so after office hours, you should share the remaining responsibilities. I would feel pretty alone and taken advantage of if my husband kicked his feet up and watched TV every evening while I wrangled the kids/cooked dinner/cleaned house. If your DH wants a better relationship with them, he needs to step up and be a dad.
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I also agree with this.
He's been more helpful the past couple weeks ( since we got a BFP).
DH is a wonderful help when he's home and awake. Right now he's working nights (12hr shifts) so when he's home during the day he's asleep. If he's home at night he plays with him and bathes him and gets him dressed and brushes his teeth depending on who DS chooses to give him a bath. We rotate who does what. If I bathe him, DH gets him dressed and brushes his teeth.
When we go out or are home we split most of it 50/50
You definitely need to have a discussion with him.
DH works from 6-6 right now and still takes DS as soon as he gets home. They play if dinner isn't ready, or we eat and then they play. They both go to bed around the same time right now, so he may not always do bedtime stuff, but he does his share of parenting and giving me a break. There are the occasional days that DH is tired from work and wants to relax when he gets home, and that's fine because a majority of the time he doesn't.
On weekends he gets up in the night if needed (not as much anymore) and he gets up in the mornings so I can sleep in. He enjoys it because he doesn't get to spend as much time with DS as I do.. and he knows that I am working all day too.
W : 01.11.13
#3 : due 11.02.15
DH helps when he is home. I do baths in the morning so he doesn't help with that but bedtime, playing with her, dinner, etc. he helps with all of that. He doesn't always want to change diapers so I have to ask him to do that!
When I first started SAH I always did bedtime and I could tell DD was starting to prefer me over DH. Now we alternate bedtime, and he takes her out with just him so it's not always mommy, mommy, mommy!
Your H should understand that not only does he need to spend time with his child, but that you are day all home cleaning, cooking meals, watching LO, and taking care of anything that needs to be done.
H is a very big helper and hogs DS from the time he is home until the time he goes to bed! He walks in from work, acknowledges me (I'm usually cooking), and goes straight to take LO off of my hands. He even feeds LO dinner! We do bedtime routine together. We still rock him to sleep while reading a book (we rotate every other day who gets to rock him).
I did have a talk with husband about helping out after about a month of him coming in and doing whatever. He is so much better than then! I really told him the first thing I said to you, he was totally understanding and apologized because he knew he was being somewhat selfish.
Hope this helps!
There's no magic formula. It takes a lot of communication and dividing of duties (not always 50/50) to figure out what works best for your family.
I would sit down and have a long talk with him and come up with a plan. Also, don't be afraid if you come up with a plan and it's not working, to revise it. It's always a work in progress.
DH and I both worked full time until about 5 months ago. I lost my job just as he took a higher paying longer hours job. When we both worked we split the child care/ household responsibilities very evenly. it's just since i'm not working now that he has taken a back seat to these things. I keep encouraging him to do more with DD now - like helping put her to bed during the week so that when DS arrives he can do more to help with DD. He usually gets home just at her bedtime though and wants to unwind from work before doing anything. I know when DS comes he will step up, but I would love to see more involvement with DD now! It's time for a discussion!
I'm with the other posters who said DH doesn't help. We are both DD's parents, and we both what we have to do to take care of her. He comes home from work and actually does the majority of stuff with DD, unless he has a meeting or night class. Feeding her dinner, giving her a bath, and getting her ready for bed. In between those things he is playing hard with her : ) I admit that I do a little more with DD, because I am home more with her. DH is off for the most part in the summers because he is a teacher, and we split all of the child and house stuff 50/50. I don't get the comments that DH needs to "wind down after work" My DH gets to wind down when I get to wind down, after DD is in bed.
My husband does everything with the kids, except giving baths(though he did when I was pg with #2) He just doesn't like it......I get it. So generally while I do bath time, he does dishes. Works for me. I agree that while he is at work it should be all you, but when he is off work it s/b 50-50. It isn't just good for you but for the kids.
Same thing as asking dh to "babysit" while you go out. No....you are a parent they are yours too. it is not babysitting.