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Blended Families
mwitter80
member
Looking for advice about what SS calls me...
mwitter80
member
This is my first post on this board and I'm seeking a little advice.
I have been in my bonus sons life since he was 1 years old. We have him everyday except every other weekend. Obviously, we're very close. He's always called me "Sa". It was the nickname he gave me when he first started talking and now at almost 5 years old, it hasn't changed.
However, I am now 33 weeks pregnant. SS and I talk about the baby quite often and he has recently started asking me the same question over and over again..."Will the baby call you Mommy?" Every time I tell him yes, and you can see that he has a little bit of anxiety about it. I have been telling him that the name he as for me is special and that no one else will ever call me that name. That has seemed to relieve some of the anxiety.
Today though he asked me again and I decided to have a longer conversation about it, since it's obviously really bothering him. He asked me if he could also call me Mommy. I stared at him a little dumb founded. I then said well you already call Mommy, Mommy. He then went on to explain that he has two Papa's and two Ama's (grandma) and that was "ok" so he can have two Mommy's too. I told him we could talk about it later and I gave him a snack and moved on.
I don't know what to do. I feel bad telling him no, because I don't want him to think that I don't love him as much as the baby, because I truly feel as though he is my son, but I don't want to cause any problems with BM. Ugh. I feel so torn and sad about it.
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Re: Looking for advice about what SS calls me...
My ss asked me if he could call me mom once the babies come and i was honored because I never thought he would think of me that way. I told him of course but then again we don't have a bm to deal with and he was just excited to have a mom again because he hasn't for a long time.
Maybe your husband and you could sit down with bm and talk about it? Or you could try being Mama, Mum or another variation. Personally i would rather be Mama then Mommy any ways (to me its harder to whine Mama then Mommy but thats a personal thing.)
My oldest SD asked me the same thing. I would talk to BM about it. Make it clear that this is something that your SS wants and that it's not you asking/making him do it. Hopefully she will understand that it's about what he wants, and put whatever feelings she has about it aside. It is probably difficult/weird to hear your kid call another woman (especially the SM) "mom"...if you, DH and BM come to an understanding about SS calling you mommy (or whatever form of the word), just keep in mind it may take some getting used to on BM's part (maybe even everyone's).
Remembering my angel baby, Ezekiel, 09/03/2011...you will forever be in my heart.
I'm pretty mellow as a birth mom (compared to what I read here), but when ex and I divorced that is one thing we both made clear -- we never wanted anyone else being called "mom" or "dad." In my ex' culture, calling someone "Auntie" is reserved for very special people of the same generation as your parents, so he calls his step mom "Auntie FirstName." DS calls his dad's girlfriend and my boyfriend by their first names, and has referenced that my boyfriend will be his stepdad one day. We are all quite happy with that arrangement. My son is almost 6, so he may have a better understanding of all of the family connections than a younger child might.
Also, as an aside, the term "bonus" child drives many a birth parent up a wall. You didn't win the child. They aren't a prize or a bonus you got for doing something good. They are a CHILD.
It might drive you up the wall, however it does not drive any of us in MY situation up the wall. BM refers to me as bonus mom. So instead of giving opinions that I didn't ask for, you can stick to calling it what you want, and we will stick to calling it what we want.
I am assuming by this that you guys have a good relationship with her. Which is awesome, of course. I would definitely broach it with her then, again assuming but it sounds as if she may be open to it.
My SD has never expressed interest in calling me anything but butthead (we are like two teenagers when we get together, she's 16) LOL but if she did want to, especially with a baby coming, I would be really hesitant to not let her. One of my, and maybe one of yours, fears is that she feels she is going to be replaced in her Dad's life. Letting her call me what 'the baby' is going to call me would be a great step in making sure she doesn't feel that way.
And, that is how I would bring it up with BM, probably best if YH brings it up. 'BM, SS has been asking SM if the baby is going to call her Mommy. He's been asking a lot and as D-day nears, we feel he is getting more anxious about it. He then asked her if he could call her Mommy. We don't want him to feel excluded at all, with the new baby coming, and so I was wondering if you would mind if SS called SM some variant of Mommy? (If he calls BM Mommy)"
HTH and GL! :-)
I've always felt that what skids call their SM should be up to them, the kids. It's not about BM's or SM's feelings, it's about the kids! But if you feel really weird about him calling you the same thing as BM, maybe he could call her "mommy" and you "mama" or something?
In my case, the kids have always called me by my first name. BM has made it very clear that she's not okay with them calling me anything else. We've just always told the kids that they can call me what they're comfortable with, whether it be mom or my first name. They occassionally "slip up" and call me mom, but when they do we just smile and go with it. Once DH and I have kids together, it'll be interesting to see if my skids stick to my first name or not. But either way we won't force anything on them.
Honestly though, in your case just do what you, DH and SS are comfortable with. I know this might not be the majority opinion, but what you do in your house is your business. BM can't tell you that SS can't call you mom. And I think it's great that SS wants to!
And if you have a good relationship with BM, I would brooch the subject with her and see what she thinks.
This.
I would talk to BM. When my SD asked to call me mommy, it was before I had a good relationship with BM so I just told her that if her mom was okay with it and she wanted to then she could call me mommy. At that point it was my SD expressing what she wanted and my DH was able to be there to make sure the conversation went well. Now BM will tell SD "go on to the car while I talk to your mom" me personally, I was honored that SD wanted to call me mommy/mom and that BM was secure enough in her relationship with her daughter to be okay with SD calling me mom.
If he already calls you "Sa", what about having him call you "Sammy"?
This would give you a special name, just between the two of you.
we are calling my fiances stepdad "papa kurt" so he doesnt feel left out of the family as a new step grandpa.
My point, is that you could give ss the choice of calling you mama sa or something that makes him feel like you are a motherly figure in his life and you dont feel too bad about it.
its a possibility
Dr.Bailey from Grey's Anatomy