Need advice

chichiwala3 · April 2012

Just came home from SD chorus concert and am totally bummed. Little background- DH and I have had placement of her and SS for just under a year and BM has made things extreamly difficult for everyone. She used to be great mother and had them 50-75%of time but then just dropped them and all their belongings with us a year ago and has been very inconsistent with seeing them ever since but very consistent w/talking crap bout DH and I. Since the kids moved in with us DH and I have them in lots of after school activities and I do 100% of everything when it come to activities, school work, meals, etc. (DH works a lot). So BM finally showed up to her concert tonight which made me really happy to see that she put forth an effort and knew the kids would b happy to c her. But, I wasn't ready for the sting in my heart when SD went running past me and gave her BM a big hug and then she completely ignored me until BM left. I would NEVER be mad at her for being excited to see her mother and I understand she's 10 and her mother makes her feel guilty for loving me but it still really hurt. I was just wondering if anyone has little sayings or things they think about when stuff like this happens to get them through it because I don't ever want SD to know I'm upset yet I'm extreamly hormonal at this stage of my pregnancy. Any advice would be super helpful!! TYIA

xmaryrickx · April 2012

Just try to remember she is just a child. A child who likely, no matter what happens will always love her mother. And who is lucky enough to have you to love her and be there for her. She will love you for that too. And remind yourself that you are the one who is there to tuck her in at night, to hold her when she is sad, to comfort her when she is sick or in pain. Her BM is missing those moments that inevitably will create a bond between two people-and she is missing that with her own child. How sad for her.

J&A2008 · April 2012

If it helps, my kids run up and hug and kiss their grandmas and grandpas and are beyond excited to see them when we/they visit. They don't do that for me when I pick them up from school. I don't get that kind of treatment unless I've been gone for awhile.

It's the same with BM and your stepchildren. I know it's hard, but good for you for keeping a good perspective and the kids' best interests in mind.

Cheerilee · April 2012

SS always gets all smiley when he sees his BM and insists she and I sit on either side of him. Of course I'd rather him prefer me (long story short - BM sees him twice a year when we set it up; otherwise is more concerned with flirting with DH when she calls than with talking to SS) for selfish reasons. I know he loves me and I just hold onto that. Then, I go have a beer with DH since we never get SS-free time together normally

kali55 · April 2012

I see that you are expecting, so just keep in mind that you will be that person to whoever is growing inside of you. Once I had my son, those things bothered me a whole lot less

MrsBPO · April 2012

She has been "mom" to your SD her entire life. Her mom basically abandoned her a year ago so that's going to leave a gap in her life that you're doing your best to fill (and no doubt doing a good job since you obviously love her.) But her mom is her mom is her mom and no matter what, there will be times she's overjoyed to see her mom and will run to her even if you're standing right beside her. Because her mom abandoned her but at this particular time she showed she cared enough to come and at least temporarily fill the void in she made in your SD's heart by leaving her, and you're there to love her every day. Understand that it's not about you and how much you want her to love you as her mom, or more than her mom, but about the fact that she's a young girl who feels she lost her mother and is thrilled any time her mother comes to see her and remind her that she hasn't been completely abandoned by the one person she had thought was supposed to be there forever and ever and ever, amen. (This applies to dads vs. stepdads too.)

pinitbaby · April 2012

I wanted to say that I grew up with my grandmother, who wasn't the best person who I should've been placed with but better that I got to stay within the family...my grandmother HATED when I'd see my mom for our visits because I would basically ignore her. I can remember feeling guilty about it too because my grandmother was raising me but I felt I loved my mother more. Even my own kids go banana's when they see their father, who spent a year in jail for being abusive towards me so I packed up my kids and left after 13 years of hell. They're loyal to him and I have a hard time seeing why but kids will always love their parents no matter what they do.

Kids are our biggest critics, they tell it like it is and can be brutally honest. Try not to take it so hard Just think that you are there in her life and how there are things that you and her get to share that her mother just misses out on unfortunately. She will be grateful when she's older that you were there too

BagelGirl · April 2012

Awwwww, being a step-mom can be the most thankless job on the face of the planet, hey? So often you do the "mom" stuff for none of the credit. Try not to worry about it. You are doing the best you can by the children and someday they will look back and appreciate that about you. Probably a not too distant someday too. Smile

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