Adoption
November 2011: after nearly two years of infertility, we are moving on to domestic infant adoption.
February 2012: Matched!
May 2012: Placed with our son!
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For those who have been through domestic infant adoption...
...what was your hospital experience like? We have been developing a good relationship with the E-mom. I have thought a lot about what the hospital experience will be like when he is born, and I have talked through with her what she wants. As the day approaches, I keep wondering if it will end up being what I think. So a few questions for those ladies who have been through it:
1. Did you have a plan with the E-mom heading into the hospital? What was it? (i.e. baby staying in her room or in the nursery, how much time she wanted you around, etc.)
2. Did the hospital experience go according to plan? If you didn't have a plan, what was the hospital experience like for you?
3. What advice would you give us heading to the hospital?
TIA!!!
November 2011: after nearly two years of infertility, we are moving on to domestic infant adoption.
February 2012: Matched!
May 2012: Placed with our son!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: For those who have been through domestic infant adoption...
Our DD's BM wanted a closed adoption. We were not expecting to be called to the hospital until after consent was signed (at least 24 hours after birth). When BM told the SW she was in labor she explained that she didn't want to see the baby and had asked that the bassinet be put out in the hallway.
SW texted me and said "why don't you go ahead and come up here" while BM was pushing. We got there and sat in the waiting room expecting to go meet our baby soon, but BM decided she wanted to meet us. We went into the delivery room after everything was all cleaned up (approx 30 mins after birth) talked to her for about 10 minutes before getting kicked out of the room by the hospital staff. We never saw BM again. It took another 3 hours before the hospital staff allowed us to meet our baby. In those 3 hours we stood at the nursery window and couldn't take our eyes off of our sweet baby girl.
The hospital staff treated us poorly for the 3 days DD had to stay. We were only allowed to be with her for long amounts of time when a decent RN's was on staff. All the others would only allow us to be with her during feedings. We spent our time with her in a tiny closet inside the nursery.
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
We were matched after birth, so there was very little hospital experience. We met DD and her BM the day after she was born, for an hour or so. We went back the next day and took her home, the same day her BM went home. We all left together.
Her BM wanted a few things that were no issue for us. DD had a couple of hospital bracelets, so we each got one to keep. Her BM wanted her birth certificate, so she filled out all the paperwork to have it sent to her home. She also wanted to be able to leave the hospital with us.
The hospital staff were very nice. The nurse who was there at discharge was a little--clinical--about everything, but the SW was there and it went like pretty much every other discharge, just with more people!
We were given a copy of BM's birthplan, so we were planning on that. Unfortunately, that plan was thrown so far out the window, so we were not sure what to do or where to go.
BM planned to sign TPR as soon as legally possible, and that didn't happen. BM planned for us to parent as soon as she was born, and that didn't happen. We were VERY upset at the time, but looking back, she needed that time.
DD ended up going to the NICU for 48 hours and BM told the doctors not to let us see her, that she was the only one allowed in. We were in the delivery room when she was born, got to snuggle her for about 2 hours, watched her first bath, then she was taken to NICU. We were given a room on the maternity ward that first night and we ended up locking ourselves in our room because we obviously hadn't had a baby, had no baby to see - we just didn't fit in. I spent that whole night crying.
The next day, BM allowed us to visit DD in the NICU (with her present, so only one of us at a time), and then we sat down and talked with BM and her parents for about an hour before TPR. BM was discharged that day after TPR, we had our moms go to the NICU with us to see DD. We had to get a hotel room that night, but the next night we were given a room at the hospital again and DD slept in our room, and we discharged the next day.
BM, understandably was going through a rough time (she was 14), but I think the hospital social worker made it so much more difficult on her. (I am a medical social worker and I was so embarrassed to share a profession with this woman - we ended up making a formal grievance through her supervisor after we left). In the end, BM got needed time with DD and we got a daughter.
My suggestions - take more clothes than you think you'll need (we weren't prepared for DD to go to the NICU) and take things to do/entertainment.
Our birth mother was out of state. We had talked to her on the phone once and e-mailed a lot. She invited us to be in the delivery room, so the first time we met her, she was prepped and ready to start pushing. Our DD was born less than 20 minutes after our first face to face hello with her BM!
The hospital was great ? they gave us our own room. I had a wrist band just like the BM, so I could get DD from the nursery ? basically do anything that the BM wanted to do. We stayed in the room with DD. The nurses checked on us just as they would if DD been in BM?s room. They came and told us results of her tests, checked to make sure she was eating, made sure we knew what we were doing as first time parents etc. A few times during the day, we sent her back to the nursery and visited BM in her room. At one point, the BM said she wanted to go to the nursery to see DD so she and I went down together. That was the only time (other than right after birth) that the BM saw DD.
On the final day, BM signed TPR and we had hoped to go down to see her to say goodbye, but her caseworker said she was having a tougher time than she thought she would. Said BM was still confident that this was best for her daughter, but she couldn?t see us. L
So, overall, we had a great hospital experience. All the staff was great to us.
DD#2 was discharged from the hospital one hour after we found out we chosen to be her parents. We picked her up at the adoption agency about 36 hours later ? after consents were signed ? so we didn?t have a hospital experience with her.
Congrats! I?m sure it will be an experience you will never forgetDD1 was "easy". We kept her with us the entire time and all but one nurse was over the moon happy for us and supportive of us. We matched with DD1 days before birth and did not meet DD1s birth mom but did meet grandparents.
DD2 was more like what you are descibing. We had an ongoing and positive relationship. BM had a birth plan that we discussed and it included that she wanted us to have the baby in our room, assuming one was provided. She was very clear about what she wanted..... then the baby was born, and it ALL changed!
While she kept speaking about being solid on her adoption plan, she decided she needed DD2 with her as much as possible. She would keep DD2 all day until she was ready for bed, and then she'd have us watch DD2 overnight (go figure... we got night duty! haha).
This switch of plan scared me like crazy. Whenever she had DD2, my mind would go to the dark places. I talked a lot to adoption friends, including some of you here, to get us through the two days that she had the baby.
With hindsight being what it is, I should have rested and enjoyed those days.... but they were scary for us. BM never had an intention to change her mind and parent, but she needed time to say good-bye. Professionals will say that's a healthy approach but since it wasn't part of the birth plan, it caused tons of staff.
My advice--- be flexible and don't spend too much time on the plan. It can change quickly.
PS- I was supposed to be the C-sec with her... but her water broke three weeks early and we are five hours apart. I arrived and she was just about to have the baby so I missed it..... The best laid plans.....
Thanks for this... I think I just need to be told it probably won't go according to plan... like most births!
Hi coming out of lurker-ville with our stories
DD was a closed adoption at BM's request. We were matched 3 days before she was born. SW kept us updated once BM was admitted and called us as soon as DD was born. We flew to the hospital and held our daughter within 20 mins of her being born. The hospital was not used to dealing with closed adoptions and gave me a wrist band with BM's name on it and tried to send me to her room when we first arrived! I had top hospital officials stopping in to apologize the whole time we were there. They gave me my own room and I was allowed to stay the whole time until they discharged her.
DS is a semi open adoption. BM contacted me when she was 8.5 months preg because I was a former foster mom to two of her other children and remain close with the adoptive family that adopted 4 of her kids. (this is her 7th child) I communicated with BM who was and still is in jail through letters and our SW. She wanted me to be in the delivery room with her, I was hesitant because she never defined what role she wanted me to play and I didn't want to feel like a third wheel. My husband convinced me to go, he would have jumped at the chance to be there too. This time it was a small rural hospital where we were the only people/baby there. The staff had never experienced anything like our situation before. As a prisoner she had to have two sheriffs with her at all times. The hospital staff was great and BM was great, told the nurse to hand DS to me when he was born and every time they asked her a question about him she would tell them to ask me that I was to make all the decisions. She even put the first and middle name we picked on the birth certificate instead of the one she picked even though I tried to convince her to put her names. The sheriffs on the other hand were AWFUL! They did everything they could to spoil the experience for everyone. Finally on the last day we got one nice sheriff who even installed my car seat for me. I chalked it up to small town good ol boys who wanted to exert what little power they had been given- so frustrating!
So my advise would be:
1- I am a planner who hates going into anything blind or things changing at the last minute but this is one case where you have to be flexible. Plans will change and you just gotta take a deep breathe and just try and go with the flow
2- take snacks and things to keep you busy. Hospitals are BORING and there will be times before the baby is born where time seems to go so slow.
3- Make someone your messenger. I was going crazy texting updates to everyone and then responding to texts. I wish I had made someone responsible for updating everyone for me.
4- make sure your phone is charged
husband's phone died and he was not a happy camper LOL!
5- Make friends with the nurses! they are the gate keepers to everything and if they like you it will make your hospital stay so much better. Both times the nurses gave us TONS of samples/gifts too!
6- wear comfortable clothes and pack extra clothes in case the hospital lets you stay!
Good Luck!!
1) we did have a plan and we mostly followed it. BM had originally said she wanted me in the room during delivery, but the rude nurse we had said that wouldn't work with BMs other requests to not see/hear DD.
2) For the most part- yes. We were very proactive, our attorney. Alled the hospital social workers in advance who were very excited (DD was their first adoption). BM went with DH and her mom on a tour of the hospital the Friday before her Tuesday induction and met with nurses explaining her adoption plan. We sent over a letter with medical releases and had everything squared away ahead of time.
The one thing we couldn't control were the nurses. The nursing director took it upon herself after meeting BM to assign herself to BM and clearly had a negative taste for adoption which she made clear to all of us. We ended up having to call BM's attorney and the hospital social worker to clear some things up/give nursing director an attitude adjustment.
3) A. Our attorney strongly advised us NOT to contact the hospital social worker ourselves, to allow BM's attorney to do this. I'm so glad we did. This kept a neutral relationship with the SW and helped our case of not appearing to be over-reaching AP's.
C) Step away at times. BM wanted us in her delivery room with her, but every few hours DH and I would step out giving her time with her parents (she's a minor) and more importantly giving us a few moments to process/recoop/shift the focus to our well being.
D) Roll with it. We encountered AMAZING nurses who treated us and our family like they would treat anyone else and we encountered nurses who treated us like dirt and tried to refuse us of our "rights" (per BM). It was 48 hours of roller coaster moments that at times involved me making it clear that I wasn't ignorant and knew what my abilities were as DD's mom/care taker (TPR wasn't signed for 72 hours).
Overall our hospital experience was "ok". I don't recommend the hospital to our friends because of the attitude we received from many nurses and ended up filing a grievance with the hospitals board. We found allies in unlikely sources like the pediatrician at the hospital (who is now DDs doctor) who advocated for our rights.
Just know- wether its good bad or indifferent its only 24-48 hours of LO's life. In the grand scheme of things its minuscule!