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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Co-dependency issues
CFjo2010
member
It seems that lately there have been several posts about BMs and what could be interpreted as co-dependent behavior. Many of us are dealing with BMs who jump from relationship to relationship, hold on for dear life to their current relationship, or stay in terrible and oftentimes unhealthy relationships. One member even had their BM get married without bothering to a) introduce the man to her child, and b) to even tell her child she was getting married. This behavior makes me so sad. Sad for the BMs engaging in this behavior and sad for the kiddos involved and the last impression the kiddos will have about how relationships work.
For 6 years the BM in my situation has jumped head first into relationships, and begins telling everyone who will listen "he?s ?the one? and we?re going to get married and be a family" as early as a month into dating them. She even tells K these things, and then K (who?s 6) gets so excited for her mom. Then when the relationships crash and burn BM is devastated and a wreck, and K is so upset for her mother as well as the ?loss? of the potential family her mother was going to create. It baffles me. She has been dumped so many times over the last 6 years, and she still seems surprised and doesn?t change her behavior. My husband and BM were never married and were in fact broken up when she discovered she was pregnant, so it?s not as though she doesn?t know how to function outside of a marriage (which I know a lot of women go through that after a divorce). At times I feel so sad and sympathetic for her, and other times I just want to shake her and make her realize that these relationships are failing and her life is the way that it is because of her co-dependent behavior and her refusal to accept responsibility for her life.
I?m not a therapist, so I?m not going to try and diagnose why these women are engaging in this behavior. I wonder sometimes if it?s a competition for these BMs to try and prove that they too can move on with their lives, be in a relationship, get married and create a family unit for their child(ren). Or maybe the behavior stems from some abandonment issues they haven?t found a healthy way to cope with. I know several BMs (myself and many of you included) that have been able to maintain gainful employment, be an active part of their children?s lives, be happy, eventually remarry and blend their family. What is it that makes some people strive to be happy and self-sufficient outside of a relationship, and others need to always be in a relationship and be taken care of?
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Re: Co-dependency issues
I don't know what causes some people to need a relationship but I suppose it could be so many things. The last thing I wanted to do was start a relationship after my marriage ended. I needed to put everything into raising my kids and making sure their needs were met. I think people should wait longer to heal fully and let the kids adjust properly before starting to date again.
EDIT I think people who have issues like that are often like that their whole lives. Sometimes they just need to mature which for some people never really happens. Low self-esteem, low self-worth, fear of being alone,
I want to add, I don't think it's usually a case of the women still loving the ex. It may seem that way and maybe in some cases but I think it's more likely something else. (At least when it's been several or more years) There are so many women like this, in your cases it happens to be that the women in question is the BM but it goes beyond these situations. IT's a problem for many women in general.
It's too easy to say she's jealous so she's ruining her lives and putting her kids at risk. We've all been hurt and we've all had to move on. Saying a woman is doing such destructive things because she's jealous seems wrong. It seems like jealousy is an easy answer but not usually the right one. Even if it comes across that way I think if you look deeper you'll find other issues.
IT's more of a "some women" thing than a "BM thing" in the same way as not all BF are deadbeats and it would seem wrong to ask why are so many BF such losers who abandon their children for new women, never pay support or even want to visit their children? What makes them do that?
I agree that it may be a sort of competition. BM doesn't like DH or me at all, and we've always felt that she was annoyed at our happiness. We've never flaunted it, but obviously kids talk about weddings and showers and everything, especially since both our kids were in our wedding and were very involved. When BM broke up with her live-in BF of around four years, the kids were very upset and acted out for a couple weeks. DH and I had to sit them down and explain that he and I are married so we won't split up and we'll always be here for them no matter what happens at mom's house. A couple months ago BM "accidentally" texted DH, "what do you want for dinner love"?". A message that was obviously meant for her new love interest. She played all innocent and cute, acting embarrassed, but I really think she meant to do that. I think a part of her is annoyed that DH has moved on and isn't begging for her love anymore.
When my ex-FI broke up with me years ago, I chased after him for months, totally embarrasing myself. I couldn't let go! But now that I don't see him anymore (other than randomly at the grocery or hardware store, ugh!) it's been easy to move on and forget about him. But if I had as much contact with him as BM does with DH, it'd be hard to let him go even after the four years it's been. Imagine seeing the person you loved, the person you were married to, the person you maybe still love, so often?
I know all BM's have different stories. This is just something I've thought about.
In my case BM#1 had a terrible childhood. Her family is full of drug addicted, violent, welfare, and sexual abusers. My H and her started dating at 18. He was openly dating other girls and she stayed with him. She planned to get pg and was shock when they didn't make it 12 months past SDs birth because the baby was going to keep him.
Since then she has made marriage and family this picture perfect thing she sees on tv and has searched for it ever since. I really deep down feel bad for her because I understand why she is the way she is. She needs lots of theropy but she won't listen. It is pretty bad when you 12 year old DS tells you when you are being childish and is usually right (he still gets in trouble for speaking to an adult this way).
BM#1 can be a really nice lady and I wish she would get rid of the fantasy and find a real relationship that doesn't have to go from 1 to 2000 over night.
That's how my husband feels. He thinks the reason she's so angry and hateful towards us is because I took her "happily ever after" (her words, not mine). We're both successful and married, and she just can't seem to get her act together. The end of relationships is so devastating to her, I'm almost scared to tell her next week that we're having a baby. I'm worried that will be the final blow for her. As much hell as she's caused in our lives, I find myself constantly hoping she'll find some happiness.
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Exactly! I just wish she would find a nice guy and settle down! It'd be so much easier to deal with her and see her at the kids' events if she had her own good relationship. Even now when the three of us are together, like at teacher's conferences, it feels like she and I are competing for DH. She'll make comments about his likes/dislikes when they were together and how they've changed since I've been around. She's constantly reminding the kids that she and DH were married before DH and me (the kids were 2.5 and 6mo when they seperated so they don't really remember without her telling them). She's the one who wanted the divorce, not DH, and he believes that she never loved him. So I don't get why she can't just let us be!
We do seem to see a lot of this...
A few observations/thoughts--
In the blended families that see a lot of drama, there is quite often an issue with drugs, alcohol, or (dxed or undxed) mental illness.
There are also a lot of unplanned/unexpected pregnancies, and I always wonder if mom holds dad responsible for it.
A lot of these first marriages and pregnancies happened when people are really young (18/19/20). Sometimes that works out great, but parenting is hard. And taking that kind of thing on before you're ready to handle it, and then having a marriage/relationship fail can be devastating.
Chris Rock had this routine years ago about how when a guy brings around a hot date, all his guy friends want to be him. But when a girl brings around a hot date, all her girl friends want to beat her down to get to him. And I do think a lot of women feel this sense of competition with other women--which is why the sh!t sometimes hits the fan when a gf/SM seems to want to stick around.
And I know lots of girls who always need to be in a relationship. Both my sisters are like this. I've never known a man who always needed to be with someone. I've known a few guys who were pretty emo, but not in that way.
BM is one of the ones that needs to be in a relationship. We don't understand it because she won't end one relationship until she has another lined up. This usually involves her cheating on current guy to be with other guy. This is why her and DH broke up.
BM use to tell DH that she was still in love with him when we first started dating but once she saw that he didn't care and I wasn't running off she gave up. She just keeps dating guys from her high school (she is 38 almost 39 now) and once they get boring or whatever she finds a new one and moves on. She is currently engaged to husband #5. I don't understand it. And when she is with a guy she can't drive herself anywhere, can't make any decisions on her own (even ones that have to do with SD and not him in any way), just can't function without him.
It definitely is a "woman thing", and I didn't intend for my post to be aimed only at BMs (that's just what we deal with the most here). And you are definitely right about not all BF's being deadbeats. I often find myself asking why there are some BFs who are complete deadbeats and don't do right by their children. My XH is one of those deadbeats. That's probably what attracted me so much to my husband. He's the exact opposite of my children's father. He's incredibly involved in his daughter's life, supports her above what is required and genuinely wants more time with her.
I also agree with your statement about jealousy not being the core of the issue, or even still having feelings for someone. There are definitely other issues that cause this behavior. I guess for a long time I thought it was just the BM in my situation that was behving this way, and then I come here and see that there are several other families dealing this the same issue. There just seems to be an abundance of these posts lately.
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I certainly agree with that! I am surprised and disappointed by how many women are behaving that way. I feel sorry for the kids and everyone involved.
I have known women like this and it's lucky most didn't have kids to drag through their mess.
Everytime our BM has one of her meltdowns, I worry about how K is going to perceive relationships. I don't want her growing up thinking that relationships define her or reflect her worthiness. I also don't want her thinking that relationships are some sort of terrible things that cause heartache and tears.
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Here's my story ... I am a BM and my ex had a new gf way before I even started dating again. I was very jealous that he moved on. Part of this may have been because it was with the girl I accused him of having an affair with (I have a lot of proof). Part of it was because he became very emotionally abusive toward the end of our marriage and had knocked my self esteem down so far and had me convinced that no man would find me worth loving. So seeing him and his new gf so happy (he plastered it all over facebook ... we are still friends to share pics of our ds when we have him with us) made me want to vomit.
But unlike the stories I hear on here, I didn't try and make their lives miserable, I just tried to live mine and find my own way. I provide 90% of the financial support for ds, I have custody of him all but 8 days a month. EX does the minimal so he can feel like a good dad. And he likes to tell me what a great job his gf does with ds. I just nod and smile.
In the process of doing that I met my bf. I did a lot of healing before we met, but I also needed to do some healing with him (i.e. feelings of being not worth loving came back, and I needed to talk through that with bf so I could understand that that was ex talking and wasn't reality). It's really funny to me now, because ex sees how happy I am and how much ds loves being with us. He doesn't understand it, so his solution is to try and be my best friend. I decline his requests for "double dates" with him and gf and keep my contact with him very business like. Now that the tables are turned, he is very obviously jealous and annoyed that I am happy.
He also figured I'd struggle just as much as him financially when we divorced, and I haven't. In fact, financially I am much better off without him because he was always wanting to spend, spend, spend. Now that I am in control of my own finances, things are a lot easier on that front.
I know that there is no "winner" in a divorce, but I think sometimes the BMs in the stories I read on here fall into the category that my ex falls into ... they realize that life is harder for them in their new situation, and they see their ex happy and thriving which they didn't expect. So that makes them act in obnoxious ways. KWIM?
I really don't think that jumping into another relationship is a "female" issue. Hop on over to "starting over," and see their stories - - lots of exH's who are already in a relationship, living with another woman, married, engaged, etc.
Maybe women are more judgey of other women, maybe it makes more of a difference because women tend to have custody of the kids and for men it's only EOW, or maybe women in general are the ones who provide the "stability" so if you are dealing with an unstable BM her boyfriend isn't going to make things better, but IMO this is not a "woman" thing. It's a fvcked up person thing.
I think there are statistics where adults with divorced parents are more likely to have a divorce themselves. I'm not sure there was any deep psychological real reason - more that people who had already lived through the divorce of their parents saw divorce as an option.
I do think this group is self-selective, so it will have a skewed result. After all, while both SM and BM post on this board, any woman who posted "great news! I'm moving in with my bf of 3 weeks. Yes, it's soon but it is true LOOOOOOOVE! My kids all love him!" - will get flamed to a crisp and never return!!!
Also, messed up people don't tend to congregate on a website on how to best deal with blended family issues - they are too in denial to think they (or their kids) need help.
I'm pregnant now so I get it a little. All the hormones, sickness, your body changing, the impact having a baby has to your career. The hopes and dreams you have for your LO. The decisions and discussions on how you plan to raise the child. If dh just walked away from ME I would HATE him at this point. If he got a new girlfriend shortly after that would compound the hate. Having a child with someone is the most intimate thing you can do with someone.
I think some Bm's think a child will bring happily ever after and they are devastated to find that's not always the case. Then maybe they rush into a new relationship because they truly want their LO to have that happily ever after. Just a thought
I think this is very likely for a lot of BMs. And I'm sure there are plenty of BFs who thought adding a child to the marriage would make things better,
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That kind of implies the BM plans a child to "save" or create a relationship. What you suggest could happen but I wouldn't say it's the most common. It takes two people to have sex and create that baby. Something about this wording just seems wrong to me.
I think trying to categorize BMs is wrong and is the same as placing all step-mothers into the same category. (or placing all BF into that deadbeat category) Women and men can both be co-dependant and it's not a BM thing or a BF thing.
When I say it's not a BM thing, it's a woman thing I am speaking to what was talked about here. I know men can be co-dependant too.
EDIT I seriously don't know where all these BMs are from that are spoken of on this board but I'm glad I don't know them.
I think it's important to realize that when you are dating or married to the BF you don't really know anything other than one side of the marriage and what happened.
Thank you for saying this!!! I am pretty sure my ex's girlfriend was fed a ton of lies about why it was ok for them to start a relationship despite the fact that we were still married. Stuff like, "Oh we are planning on divorcing." or (of my pregnancy when I still thought all was good) "it was a last ditch effort to save the marriage, but since she miscarried, I am free to be with you." She probably doesn't know all the lies he told me at the same time to try and cover up his affair.
I am pretty sure that now he also tells her crap about how mean I am that I make him pay for part of the childcare (mind you he pays NO child support). Or how unfair it is that I don't pay him alimony (when he was the one who said he didn't want money from me and signed away his right to that money in mediation). Or how horrible I am that signed ds up for tee-ball (when he has promised ds he could play since he went to his first MLB game 3 years ago -- and I handle all practices and half the games; he just has to get him to the game once every other weekend and the field is closer to his house than mine).
So, I know you all love your husbands and such, but remember ... you are only getting his side and the birthmom might not be as nuts as he likes to make her out to be.
That's why I said "some Bm's"
My point was also NOT about women in general but mothers of children who are separated from the fathers of those children- I.e. Bm's. I think these women could have the making of codependency issues or not at all but throw in a child which impacts your life in the ways I listed above could turn any normal rational women into a bitter less rational co dependent person.
Also I would have to say the majority of us who have been around awhile have seen Bm's actions first hand. Dh rarely ever says negative things about Bm and never said one word of negativity about her in the first year of our relationship. My opinion of her is completely colored by her actions which I have witnessed