If you are or aren't - how will you or won't you tell

BzeetyD · April 2012

We keep our IF struggles pretty close to our chests but have only let a few select folks (my BFF and my parents and sister) know about our current IVF status - as in when we did our ER and ET.

Have you shared your process/progress with anyone? And how will you or won't you share any news, good or bad? I don't mean "Hey what creative and cute way will you tell the world that you're PG? LOL! OMG!" I mean, for people in-the-know, how and when will you say anything?

I kinda told these people that "when we have news to share, we'll share it" but I don't know if that will do the trick.

We might need some support if it doesn't work but I feel like we'll be hesitant to say it worked (esp due to our 2 prior losses) until a ways out.

Just on my mind today. I have no news to share, just curious.

ChrisH22 · April 2012

So far I've told several of my closest friends and my mother about our struggles. MIL doesn't know, or any of DH's family or friends. When we got ready to do our last IUI I told everyone (of those people who already know) when we were going, they were so supportive and knew every step of the process. The day of my beta I had to wait till the afternoon when my RE's office calls with results and my phone rang ALL day of my friends and family wanting to know what happened. When I got the positive I didn't want to tell anyone until sometime had passed but I had already shared too much, so I had to. So when it ended in a chemical pregnancy, a week later, I had to share that with everyone too. And they all had words of encouragement that I just really didn't want to hear. You know the stuff that people say when they mean well but doesn't actually help you?

The second time around, I told those same select people that we were trying again but didn't give any information about the exact dates and times of appointments. That was much better. This time around, I've told everyone that we're taking a break. Right now we are but we plan to start back next month and I'll probably only tell my mother. The extra support CAN be great, but sometimes, it's too much for me.

rjade9 · April 2012

Well if we are pregnant I want to wait until 12 weeks to tell the majority of people which will be hard because almost everyone at my work knows. The people who will find out are my two BFFs and that's it because they have been supporting me through everything so I'll probably just sit down and tell them.

If we're not pregnant I honestly have no idea

I hope you get a BFP and get to give really great news!

DoublePortion · April 2012

I haven't told a lot of people about my IF, but you know how it is. You tell 1 person that you trust, they tell another person that they trust and then pretty soon you're sure just about everyone knows. lol I'm still in denial. I know people know, but I pretend that they don't. Only because I don't want to discuss my personal business with them. (That felt like rambling.) Anyway, as far as IVF only my mom, sister, MIL (FIL and whomever else MIL told...big mouth), 2 friends and a few people at work know. I kind of wish no one knew because when I get a BFP I'd like to keep it to myself for a little while. I would like to wait a few months before making an "official announcement", but with all those people knowing we are doing IVF they'll know it either worked or didn't and then I feel I can't trust all of them to keep a BFP to themselves. I guess I just feel like I've worked so hard for a BFP that I want to be the one to tell people!

I'm sorry if the above doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm still having issues with focusing. lol

lisagab26 · April 2012

Quite a few more people were aware of the details of the process with IVF#1. This time around, we kept it very quiet. It wasn't even really a voiced decision, I think we both were just kinda going through the motions and kept it quiet on both of our ends. VERY few people knew/know about our ER/ET status this time around.

Whatever the results are this time, I think we'll share with those few people who know and that is it. If we are successful, we won't be sharing with anyone else until at least 3 months.

So many people are aware of our struggles (mainly just from figuring it out rather than us telling them), and that makes me feel very strongly that DH and I should have our own special moment of secret bliss before the world knows.

BzeetyD · April 2012

Thanks for the responses ladies.

Yes of course we would wait to make any kind of general announcement til after 12 weeks or possibly even later and we probably won't make any announcement on FB.

Luckily the people we've told about our cycle are good secret keepers and would take it seriously not to spill any beans.

We've never had a chance to tell anyone as our 2 other PGs ended in M/Cs before we spread the news.

JBDamonM · April 2012

Both of our familys as well as a few friends know that we haev MFI issues and have seen an RE. Most of them also know we will most likely be moving forward with treatments.

I've kept any other steps and details about the process to myself. My main point in doing this is that if we run into any hiccups getting a finalized treatment plan I don't want to have to tell people even more stuff (if that makes sense.) Also - I am finding more and more that I don't like peoples commentary. There is a lot of thinking that they are Subject Mater experts when really they have ZERO experience living this. So this is more the reason to keep things to myself.

Assuming we move onto IVF - I would ideally like to move through the process with very few (closer to no one) people knowing. I know this may not be realistic - but if we do get pregnant - I want to be able to announce it as a surprise. It may sound caddy - but I feel like we should get to experience this.

Also if we move forward with IVF then I'm going to need to tell my boss. This is something I"ve struggled with. I live/work in CT - he lives/works out of TX so it's easy to keep it in. That being said - we do travel together, and the past few trips have co-incided with IF drama and I feel like he knows something is up - so I'd rather just tell him so there is at least an explanation for off behavior. Obviously if we go forward with IVF - i"ll need to tell him in advance as I"m sure i'll miss a good amount of time..... He is in town Tuesday - right after DH And I go to the urologist, I'm debating telling him then - depending on how that meeting goes.

workerbee82 · April 2012

Double Portion:

I haven't told a lot of people about my IF, but you know how it is. You tell 1 person that you trust, they tell another person that they trust and then pretty soon you're sure just about everyone knows. lol I'm still in denial. I know people know, but I pretend that they don't. Only because I don't want to discuss my personal business with them. (That felt like rambling.) Anyway, as far as IVF only my mom, sister, MIL (FIL and whomever else MIL told...big mouth), 2 friends and a few people at work know. I kind of wish no one knew because when I get a BFP I'd like to keep it to myself for a little while. I would like to wait a few months before making an "official announcement", but with all those people knowing we are doing IVF they'll know it either worked or didn't and then I feel I can't trust all of them to keep a BFP to themselves. I guess I just feel like I've worked so hard for a BFP that I want to be the one to tell people!

I'm sorry if the above doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm still having issues with focusing. lol

this. It makes sense to me. We have told NO one, except, oddly, i metnioned it to a distant friend who i knew was going through the exact same thing. I hardly ever see her, and we don't know even remotely the same people so it was almost like talking to folks on this board. kind of anonymous, but safe. My mom died a long time ago and my dad is old now and this infomration would not make our relationship any better or worse.

Having said that, having the immediate world not know of our struggles does have its downside. The people i work with, most of our friends, my ILs and our siblings all think that we are two middle-aged, free-wheeling DINKS with not a care in the world.

BzeetyD · April 2012

workerbee82:
Double Portion:

I haven't told a lot of people about my IF, but you know how it is. You tell 1 person that you trust, they tell another person that they trust and then pretty soon you're sure just about everyone knows. lol I'm still in denial. I know people know, but I pretend that they don't. Only because I don't want to discuss my personal business with them. (That felt like rambling.) Anyway, as far as IVF only my mom, sister, MIL (FIL and whomever else MIL told...big mouth), 2 friends and a few people at work know. I kind of wish no one knew because when I get a BFP I'd like to keep it to myself for a little while. I would like to wait a few months before making an "official announcement", but with all those people knowing we are doing IVF they'll know it either worked or didn't and then I feel I can't trust all of them to keep a BFP to themselves. I guess I just feel like I've worked so hard for a BFP that I want to be the one to tell people!

I'm sorry if the above doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm still having issues with focusing. lol

this. It makes sense to me. We have told NO one, except, oddly, i metnioned it to a distant friend who i knew was going through the exact same thing. I hardly ever see her, and we don't know even remotely the same people so it was almost like talking to folks on this board. kind of anonymous, but safe. My mom died a long time ago and my dad is old now and this infomration would not make our relationship any better or worse.

Having said that, having the immediate world not know of our struggles does have its downside. The people i work with, most of our friends, my ILs and our siblings all think that we are two middle-aged, free-wheeling DINKS with not a care in the world.

We should start a Free-Wheeling Dinks club.

sharpeanut07 · April 2012

As far as most people are concerned, I just tell people that "we are trying" and leave it at that, and nobody has said anything after that.

But, there are a very few selective people, two of my very best friends and my step-mother (who is really like my mother more than anything) know the actual dates of procedures / tests. And now of course all of you lovely Ladies will know! I am so glad I joined this message board : )

workerbee82 · April 2012

BzeetyD:
workerbee82:
Double Portion:

I haven't told a lot of people about my IF, but you know how it is. You tell 1 person that you trust, they tell another person that they trust and then pretty soon you're sure just about everyone knows. lol I'm still in denial. I know people know, but I pretend that they don't. Only because I don't want to discuss my personal business with them. (That felt like rambling.) Anyway, as far as IVF only my mom, sister, MIL (FIL and whomever else MIL told...big mouth), 2 friends and a few people at work know. I kind of wish no one knew because when I get a BFP I'd like to keep it to myself for a little while. I would like to wait a few months before making an "official announcement", but with all those people knowing we are doing IVF they'll know it either worked or didn't and then I feel I can't trust all of them to keep a BFP to themselves. I guess I just feel like I've worked so hard for a BFP that I want to be the one to tell people!

I'm sorry if the above doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm still having issues with focusing. lol

this. It makes sense to me. We have told NO one, except, oddly, i metnioned it to a distant friend who i knew was going through the exact same thing. I hardly ever see her, and we don't know even remotely the same people so it was almost like talking to folks on this board. kind of anonymous, but safe. My mom died a long time ago and my dad is old now and this infomration would not make our relationship any better or worse.

Having said that, having the immediate world not know of our struggles does have its downside. The people i work with, most of our friends, my ILs and our siblings all think that we are two middle-aged, free-wheeling DINKS with not a care in the world.

We should start a Free-Wheeling Dinks club.

Smile

DoublePortion · April 2012

DINKS reminded me of this...

A few months back I posted on FB about something DH & I were going to do (non-IF related) and a lady with 6 kids replied about how nice it must be to get to do that. So I responded that it was a benefit of being DINKS. Well, wouldn't you know someone who we had told about our IF issues went on and replied that they had faith we wouldn't be DINKS forever. It was a nice thought, but not appropriate for FB!!! I was in no way feeling sorry for myself by saying we were DINKS. I didn't know until the next morning that they had written that, so I'm sure many people read it before I had a chance to delete the whole post. Grrrr! Sorry...mini rant over.

MelleTX · April 2012

My situation is a little different. Most of my friends and family know about my desire to become a single mother by choice and by extension know about my fertility struggles. It's not total stranger-type knowledge, but a lot of people know. I am very open about the whole process as I found it helps people better understand - both the IF and SMC worlds. So, most friends and family know about IVF and most of them know about the +HPT. I needed the support to get this far and I will need the support no matter the final outcome. I cannot imagine keeping it a secret from those I love.

My sister had 2 late-first trimester losses. She never told anyone about those losses or her successful pregnancy until she was 18 weeks pregnant with my first nephew. She later admitted how much she regretted that and how isolated she felt. And as her sister, I was hurt that she had not shared that with me.

So, I have a small group of family and friends that know everything. I will expand that group to the next layer of family/friends after I hear a heartbeat and then it will be general knowledge around 12 weeks-ish.

A FB announcement will have to come at some point, but probably not until it becomes super-obvious or someone slips (my mother) and lets the cat out of the bag.

maryoosa · April 2012

MelleTX:
A FB announcement will have to come at some point, but probably not until it becomes super-obvious or someone slips (my mother) and lets the cat out of the bag.

I love that it's going to be your mom who slips up! lol

MelleTX · April 2012

maryoosa:
MelleTX:
A FB announcement will have to come at some point, but probably not until it becomes super-obvious or someone slips (my mother) and lets the cat out of the bag.

I love that it's going to be your mom who slips up! lol

My mom is retired and on Facebook. It's a dangerous combination. We have already had to have several conversations about what is and what is not appropriate Facebook behavior.

arbutusbride · April 2012

rjade9:
Well if we are pregnant I want to wait until 12 weeks to tell the majority of people which will be hard because almost everyone at my work knows. The people who will find out are my two BFFs and that's it because they have been supporting me through everything so I'll probably just sit down and tell them.
If we're not pregnant I honestly have no idea
I hope you get a BFP and get to give really great news!

I plan on the same thing. Only my BFF and a couple of other close people know when we are cycling. I don't want to have to "untell" people or for them to constantly ask us status updates. Too painful if something goes wrong.

dalmatinka77 · April 2012

i'm a pretty open book but only family knows right now. i'm just iffy about having to tell people if it doesn't work.

we have the coolest story to tell (when DH was under surgery and they removed the testicular tissue for the cryobanking i had to drive it to the lab. well i'm a B cup at most and our sister in law is a very large D....the vial of tissue had to be kept in women's cleavage to be kept body temperature and we asked her to do us a huge favor.) if we are success we have her boobs to thank!

MelleTX · April 2012

dalmatinka77:
i'm a pretty open book but only family knows right now. i'm just iffy about having to tell people if it doesn't work.
we have the coolest story to tell (when DH was under surgery and they removed the testicular tissue for the cryobanking i had to drive it to the lab. well i'm a B cup at most and our sister in law is a very large D....the vial of tissue had to be kept in women's cleavage to be kept body temperature and we asked her to do us a huge favor.) if we are success we have her boobs to thank!

Pure awesomeness!

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