Attachment daycare provider needs advice

jillianmb · April 2012

Hi ladies,

I love lurking on this board and I hope to participate more when our son comes home (adopting from Russia)!

I have a small in-home daycare and I try to provide care for the children in an AP style. I started with a strong willed two year old this fall and I just LOVE her, but she has really been pushing the limits with me over the past few weeks. Since she has really bonded with me she now feels secure enough to push me away, which I know is a normal healthy thing for a 2.5 year old, but here's where I need advice:

When we're outside for a walk she has started to venture too far away from me and too close to the road. She has never gone onto the road by herself, but I see her behavior getting more defiant and I think it's coming. I've tried being patient and giving gentle reminders, I've tried reminding her a hundred times a minute (feels that way at least!) and now I'm at the point where I'm using a very stern voice ("You MAY NOT go this close to the road. You MUST listen when I tell you to come back.") and bringing her back to a safe spot very briskly. She only seems to "get it" when I use the stern voice but then she asks me, "Are you mad? Are you sad?" over and over again. I don't want to be a bully and hurt her feelings, but I also want her to know that she HAS to stay away from the road for safety.

Any advice?

TiffanyBerry · April 2012

Natural consequences. If she shows you that you can't trust her to follow the rules, she doesn't get to do things. For instance, if DD won't hold my hand when crossing gthe street or goes into the street without holding my hand, she loses walking privileges and we go home. She gets one reminder, one warning, and then the consequences.

fyrefairie · April 2012

TiffanyBerry:

Natural consequences. If she shows you that you can't trust her to follow the rules, she doesn't get to do things. For instance, if DD won't hold my hand when crossing gthe street or goes into the street without holding my hand, she loses walking privileges and we go home. She gets one reminder, one warning, and then the consequences.

THIS

jillianmb · April 2012

fyrefairie:
TiffanyBerry:

Natural consequences. If she shows you that you can't trust her to follow the rules, she doesn't get to do things. For instance, if DD won't hold my hand when crossing gthe street or goes into the street without holding my hand, she loses walking privileges and we go home. She gets one reminder, one warning, and then the consequences.

THIS

Even if that means the other 2 children have to go home with us as well? Do you think that's unfair to them?

honkytonk_kid · April 2012

Are the other kids walking or in a stroller? Do you have a stroller/sit and stand that she could fit in? Maybe the consequence of not staying close is having to sit in the stroller- then you can continue your walk and she stays safe.

TiffanyBerry · April 2012

jillianmb:
fyrefairie:
TiffanyBerry:

Natural consequences. If she shows you that you can't trust her to follow the rules, she doesn't get to do things. For instance, if DD won't hold my hand when crossing gthe street or goes into the street without holding my hand, she loses walking privileges and we go home. She gets one reminder, one warning, and then the consequences.

THIS
Even if that means the other 2 children have to go home with us as well? Do you think that's unfair to them?

I have two thoughts on the "unfair" issue:

1) going home isn't the only way to lose walking privileges. Perhaps it just means you have to carry her. Whether it's in arms, in a carrier, in a stroller or some other creative way doesn't matter - the point you're teaching is that if she cannot follow the rules of walking, she does not get to walk.

2) fairness does not outrank safety. Life isn't fair. There are all sorts of things in the world that you can't do (legally speaking) because some other people took doing it too far. Heck, most of the kids safety measures and safety warnings on things you buy are "unfair" to many because of what a few have done. Recalls on many things are the same way. (The BOB recall on the string on the canopy? Well, DUH it should be kept away from kids!)

pixieprincss · April 2012

honkytonk_kid:

Are the other kids walking or in a stroller? Do you have a stroller/sit and stand that she could fit in? Maybe the consequence of not staying close is having to sit in the stroller- then you can continue your walk and she stays safe.

This. Can you contain her in a stroller or carrier? I am a big fan of--as much as possible-- not letting misbehavior curtail things for others that are also important. For example--temper tantrum at the others grocery store= calm down then go back in because the shopping still needs to get done. Disobeying on the walk means autonomy is lost, but the others still need exercise so the walk continues. Now, this doesn't always pan out--sometimes you really do just have to be done.

fyrefairie · April 2012

jillianmb:
fyrefairie:
TiffanyBerry:

Natural consequences. If she shows you that you can't trust her to follow the rules, she doesn't get to do things. For instance, if DD won't hold my hand when crossing gthe street or goes into the street without holding my hand, she loses walking privileges and we go home. She gets one reminder, one warning, and then the consequences.

THIS

Even if that means the other 2 children have to go home with us as well? Do you think that's unfair to them?

Goodness gracious, life isn't always fair. besides, one time of having her playmates upset with her for ending everyone's walk will probably motivate her to think twice next time, its a natural and logical consequence for her and the other kids can practice tolerating disappointment.

jillianmb · April 2012

Thanks ladies. Usually I don't have space in the stroller for her b/c I have two younger kids in there, but your words about the fairness help me. I'm going to try carrying her or having her sit in the stroller while I carry a younger one etc., and see what that does. Thanks again!

TiffanyBerry · April 2012

jillianmb:
Thanks ladies. Usually I don't have space in the stroller for her b/c I have two younger kids in there, but your words about the fairness help me. I'm going to try carrying her or having her sit in the stroller while I carry a younger one etc., and see what that does. Thanks again!

I certainly wouldn't *start* with her in the stroller. Give her the chance to do the right thing, and *then* respond only if she doesn't.

jillianmb · April 2012

TiffanyBerry:
jillianmb:
Thanks ladies. Usually I don't have space in the stroller for her b/c I have two younger kids in there, but your words about the fairness help me. I'm going to try carrying her or having her sit in the stroller while I carry a younger one etc., and see what that does. Thanks again!
I certainly wouldn't *start* with her in the stroller. Give her the chance to do the right thing, and *then* respond only if she doesn't.

Of course. I was unclear, but that's what I meant.

ladybug8510 · April 2012

Totally agree with natural consequences. I only have one to deal with, so much easier! But when she refuses to hold a hand while we are walking on the side walk near the street, I stop walking and tell her she either has to hold my hand, or I carry her. It seems to work, she usually holds my hand because she wants to walk on her own. Then at the park, she can run around by herself all she wants.

Attachment daycare provider needs advice

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