IF related: 'relax and it will just happen'

temporalrobe · April 2012

I have someone very close to me dealing with IF and many treatments havent worked yet.

I've heard several people tell me that if this couple just 'relaxes' it will just happen. That nature will somehow right the ship as if its not clinical in some way.

I shake my head.

odd. In what other condition do people suggest relaxation as a solution or cure?

aah1013 · April 2012

"Relax and it will happen" is one of the worst and hurtful things you can say to someone dealing with IF! It drives me crazy hearing that your poor friend has heard it from multiple people. I wish her luck in her quest for that BFP.

jllybllyb · April 2012

I hate when people say that! My husband and I tried for almost two years and if I heard that one more time I was going to scream. It even went as far as my FIL buying us a bottle of wine because apparently "we don't know how to unwind and relax". Let me tell you if every bottle we went through resulted in a little one...I'd have a foot ball team LOL

Sometimes a hug is all you need and a good friend who just listens.

christieep · April 2012

We were fortunate and didn't have IF issues, and this was frustrating to hear even then. I can't imagine hearing it if we were in those shoes. I'm sure after awhile I would have a snarky comeback in place.

temporalrobe · April 2012

as a follow up, i am trying to understand some of the emotional issues this couple is facing b/c they are very important to us.

unfortunately, me getting pregs has been hurtful to her and hopefully she'll/they'll be able to love us and our child and not cut ties.

doggie mama · April 2012

temporalrobe:

as a follow up, i am trying to understand some of the emotional issues this couple is facing b/c they are very important to us.

unfortunately, me getting pregs has been hurtful to her and hopefully she'll/they'll be able to love us and our child and not cut ties.

OP, just being mindful of her pain is a huge step beyond what most people seem to be able to muster. It sounds like you are already sensitive to some of her issues. There may be something on the RESOLVE website for how to handle it when your friends are dealing with IF and you are pregnant.

I remember wishing all my family and friends would read this when I was struggling with IF. https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

The other thing I always hated hearing, although people didn't really say it directly to me, I just hear it when people talk about IF more broadly, is "just adopt." Umm, okay, cause you can just go to a corner store and pick up a baby. Adoption is a complicated, emotional, and expensive process. It was never an option for us because there was no way we could afford it. The only reason we were able to do IVF was because we are fortunate enough to live in one of the 15 states that mandates IF coverage.

temporalrobe · April 2012

thanks for that link!

peeper72 · April 2012

Even if it is well meant, this is such an insensitive comment.

A friend of mine and I were talking one day about the language used towards people with IF. She has MS and is fairly debilitated as a result - she says that people say crap like this to her all the time. I was stymied! I thought there was good public awareness about MS and that most people understood what the disease is. Apparently not.

mandalinn25 · April 2012

Yeah our response to that is relaxing won't grow my dh any sperm. I am very open about our struggles with IF, but can totally understand why others aren't. People are beyond rude at times. I have been told that "maybe God is trying to tell you something" to "ewww donor sperm, that is like cheating on your husband". And then of course there are religious denominations that say IVF and IUI are completely wrong.

I can think of no other medical condition that is railed against as much as IF by ignorance, some religions and just downright hate. Very little insurance coverage too make it impossible for many people to even pursue treatments. I will continue to share my story and hold my head up. But completely get why many do not. Even when open about it it is a lonely road.

caralck · April 2012

It annoyed me when people said we just needed to have more sex. Um, I'm pretty sure in the 20 months leading up to IVF that I had more sex than you could ever hope to have in your lifetime...unless you too struggled with infertility or have a part time job as a prostitute. The adoption stories were annoying too because um, adoption isn't exactly a cheap guarantee at getting a child either through the adoption process itself or the dumb luck that you do get pregnant yourself. When people point this out to me, sometimes I just had to walk away because I wasn't sure I could maintain my composure. Must be nice to be so ignorant.

apollonia10 · April 2012

One of my friends kept insisting that I was "just too stressed" and that's why I wasn't pregnant yet. She knew all about my PCOS, my miscarriage, my difficulty with ovulating, and she attributed it all to stress. She's planning on getting pregnant immediately after her wedding because "I'll be so relaxed after all that planning is over."

All I could do was wish her luck. It's going to be a cold slap in the face if she doesn't get pregnant immediately.

TLHcat · April 2012

Hope it's ok... I'm lurking from August 2012 moms board....

Thanks for posting the link to the article. What a refreshingly honest/helpful thing to read. I sent it to a lot of my girlfriends. Sensitivity awareness to infertitly is really important to how women in general interact with eachother and especially women in our age range.

By the way, I like lurking on your board because you all are so nice and helpful to eachother! I never see any snarky comments

MrsOjoButtons · April 2012

mandalinn25:

Yeah our response to that is relaxing won't grow my dh any sperm. I am very open about our struggles with IF, but can totally understand why others aren't. People are beyond rude at times. I have been told that "maybe God is trying to tell you something" to "ewww donor sperm, that is like cheating on your husband". And then of course there are religious denominations that say IVF and IUI are completely wrong.

I can think of no other medical condition that is railed against as much as IF by ignorance, some religions and just downright hate. Very little insurance coverage too make it impossible for many people to even pursue treatments. I will continue to share my story and hold my head up. But completely get why many do not. Even when open about it it is a lonely road.

Ditto. Depending upon who gave the unsolicited advice, my response was one of two lines: "Relaxing has not been shown to grow fallopian tubes," or "I have a whole team of relaxed doctors working on it."

TLHcat · April 2012

MissMusic:

TLHcat:
By the way, I like lurking on your board because you all are so nice and helpful to eachother! I never see any snarky comments

I can change that if you want.

I kid, I kid.

Our board is awesome, I have to admit. We do ague, but we do so respectfully. There's occasionally some snark (I'm guilty of it) but in general, July 2012 is a good place to be.

Ha! I'm due August 6th so I rationalize I could go a week early so it's legal for me to constantly lurk on your boards. You guys are very respectful. I'll continue my lurking!

CopsGirl11103 · April 2012

It's what worked for us. I just gave up and finally it happened. But for the 4 yrs of trying, it was terrible to hear that phrase! I wanted to punch someone everytime!!

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