Advice from a Grandma

blessedhope · April 2012

My husbands Grandmother who is in her late 80's lost her first baby due to complications of childbirth in 1949. After we lost our bay she told me with tears in her eyes, "If I had one thing to tell you it would be not to blame yourself. I wasted almost my whole life blaming myself for what happened to my baby. I always would tell myself, If I was shaped different he wouldn't have gotten stuck. Don't blame yourself and let that happen to you."

I think back to that alot. Who will I be 60 years from now? Will I have spent my life bitter and guilty? because that's how I feel right now. My husbands Grandmother was always described to me by people as a "bitter woman" but as she opened up to me like she had to no one else, I realized she was hurt not bitter. She is in her 80's and the pain of losing her first child is still there.

Sitting upstairs in her farm house, she showed me old black and white photos of her first baby. She told me he had lived for 2 days before dying and that the dr. did not let her hold or see him because that was the way people handled baby loss back then. I read cards people had sent her and saw how in the cards her baby was refered to as an "it." I imagined how much that hurt her.

I don't really know why I am sharing this other than I am pondering the future I guess. Will my future children describe me as "bitter"? Will I spend my whole life blaming myself unable to be free from all the guilt? And how do I let go of the guilt and how do I stop being bitter?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · April 2012

I often wonder about this myself. I realized the other day that I have at least half of (if not more) of my life of dealing with this grief. I wonder how I will be when I'm older. Some days I wish that time would just hurry up and get here already so I could be with my Corbin again. I'm glad that she's been comfortable enough to open up to you about her loss. It's amazing to me people's perceptions of others when they don't know their whole story. Everyone is guilty of this. I'm trying to change my attitude and perspective in life and realize that every one has something. I'm also scared that if I'm blessed enough to have another child I'm afraid I'm going to be way overly protective. My husband and I have already shared our fears regarding "how we're ever going to sleep" since we lost our Corbin in his sleep. So many questions. I just try to focus on the present and let the future do what it's going to do. {{HUGS}}

blessedhope · April 2012

fluttergirlmoonchild79:
I often wonder about this myself. I realized the other day that I have at least half of (if not more) of my life of dealing with this grief. I wonder how I will be when I'm older. Some days I wish that time would just hurry up and get here already so I could be with my Corbin again. I'm glad that she's been comfortable enough to open up to you about her loss. It's amazing to me people's perceptions of others when they don't know their whole story. Everyone is guilty of this. I'm trying to change my attitude and perspective in life and realize that every one has something. I'm also scared that if I'm blessed enough to have another child I'm afraid I'm going to be way overly protective. My husband and I have already shared our fears regarding "how we're ever going to sleep" since we lost our Corbin in his sleep. So many questions. I just try to focus on the present and let the future do what it's going to do. {{HUGS}}

I've learned this too. After we loss our baby guys my Dh works with told us they had lost baby. Sometimes I realize I can have no idea where people are coming from or what they are dealing with. My parents lost twin boys before they had me. I can look back and see how that played a role in their divorce and also how they raised my brother and I.

careyalis · April 2012

There is a lady who I indirectly work with (I teach at a Catholic school, and she works in the parish office next door) who seems bitter and angry all of the time. I have been guilty of talking about her with the other teachers before because any interaction with her is incredibly unpleasant.

When we found out that we were going to lose Avery, she broke down and gave me the sweetest, most sincere hug. She then confided at me that she had a baby who died many years ago and she thought she would never be able to move on with her life. She didn't want for me to share that info with anyone. She has been living her whole life hiding this precious memory--it totally made me look at her in a whole new light. Since then, I have tried really hard to not judge people without truly knowing them. You never know what burdens others are bearing on a daily basis.

blessedhope · April 2012

careyalis:

There is a lady who I indirectly work with (I teach at a Catholic school, and she works in the parish office next door) who seems bitter and angry all of the time. I have been guilty of talking about her with the other teachers before because any interaction with her is incredibly unpleasant.

When we found out that we were going to lose Avery, she broke down and gave me the sweetest, most sincere hug. She then confided at me that she had a baby who died many years ago and she thought she would never be able to move on with her life. She didn't want for me to share that info with anyone. She has been living her whole life hiding this precious memory--it totally made me look at her in a whole new light. Since then, I have tried really hard to not judge people without truly knowing them. You never know what burdens others are bearing on a daily basis.

so true. I hope it was healing for that woman to share that with you.

weddedwife · April 2012

What a wonderful gift for her to share that with you! And just think what a gift it was for her too; for someone like you to be willing to sit and talk with her about her baby, & look at pictures. I'll bet very few people have been willing to do that with her over the years, especially given the era in which her baby died.

It seems like wise advice to me. Why blame ourselves when it won't make any difference? What good can possibly come of it? My baby is dead. That fact won't change whether I blame myself or not. I still feel guilty a lot but I have to take a step back & realize this could eat me alive if I let it. I have to make a conscious choice not to let it.

tubbsy32 · April 2012

I too have learned not to judge anyone. I used to be guilty of wondering why someone looked so grumpy on a sunny day, or didn't smile back if I smiled. And now I am the one not always able to smile back. Who knows what others have been through until you have walked in their shoes?

Hey, at least I have learned 1 positive thing from this heartwrenching tragedy.

nuttycoconut · April 2012

Tubbsy, I feel the same way. I try to be more sensitive to people now since I have no idea what they are going through.

Blessedhope- thanks so much for sharing that story. I'm trying not to feel guilty that my babies passed away because my body couldn't carry them. I just want to be my happy, innocent self again and not be so sad and angry.

blessedhope · April 2012

weddedwife:

What a wonderful gift for her to share that with you! And just think what a gift it was for her too; for someone like you to be willing to sit and talk with her about her baby, & look at pictures. I'll bet very few people have been willing to do that with her over the years, especially given the era in which her baby died.

It seems like wise advice to me. Why blame ourselves when it won't make any difference? What good can possibly come of it? My baby is dead. That fact won't change whether I blame myself or not. I still feel guilty a lot but I have to take a step back & realize this could eat me alive if I let it. I have to make a conscious choice not to let it.

that's what I'm trying to learn

blessedhope · April 2012

tubbsy32:

I too have learned not to judge anyone. I used to be guilty of wondering why someone looked so grumpy on a sunny day, or didn't smile back if I smiled. And now I am the one not always able to smile back. Who knows what others have been through until you have walked in their shoes?

Hey, at least I have learned 1 positive thing from this heartwrenching tragedy.

I used to be the smiley one too....

blessedhope · April 2012

nuttycoconut:

Tubbsy, I feel the same way. I try to be more sensitive to people now since I have no idea what they are going through.

Blessedhope- thanks so much for sharing that story. I'm trying not to feel guilty that my babies passed away because my body couldn't carry them. I just want to be my happy, innocent self again and not be so sad and angry.

my thoughts exactly

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