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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Megs12411
member
I need some unbiased perspective (NTR and loooongish)
Megs12411
member
I haven't posted much since 6-9 but I could really use some unbiased perspective in regards to a situation with my mother.
My mother is......difficult. Overbearing, judgemental, self-righteous. I mean, she's my mom, and I love her, but I am not blind to the fact that she's got issues.
She has always been very critical of my H: the way he dresses, the way he talks, what he says, what he eats, his childhood, his family, his career, his parenting. Of course, she never says any of her little remarks to him directly. We can't have a conversation without her slipping in a snotty little comment or two (or forty). It's exhausting. It's passive-aggressive. It's hurtful. I contantly feel like I have to defend my husband from her distorted world view.
H and I grew up very differently. He was raised by a single mother and they struggled. He left school at 17 (GED) to work to help support his brother and sister. He never went to college but has a successful career as a tugboat engineer and then captain. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished. My mother, however, can't seem to get past his blue collar roots.
I have spent years asking, begging, demanding she be more respectful to my husband. She doesn't have to like him, but for God's sake, she doesn't need to be an biitch about it.
Things finally came to a head last week when, after a series of snotty remarks, I told her, again, to knock it off. Her response? "Claire (DD) will figure out when she's older that Joey is not our kind and he's limited. She'll understand I'm right."
First of all? WTF. Second of all? I should be awarded a sainthood for not running her over with my car.
My husband is a good man, an amazing husband and father. I love him, I chose to spend my life with him, to make a family with him. For most parents this would be enough. Not, apparently, my mother.
I told her in no uncertain terms that until she can be respectful that it was best if we didn't talk. Since then I have been bombarded with voicemails, emails, carrier pigeons saying that I "wasn't raised to turn my back on my family" and that I should be ashamed of myself. 
I don't want to deny Claire a relationship with her grandparents, I know they absolutely adore her, but I can't allow her (and my dad to some extent) to continue to openly disparage my husband in front of our daughter.
I could really use some input......
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Re: I need some unbiased perspective (NTR and loooongish)
This! And OMG I would have slapped my mom if she ever said anything like that about DH. Urgh.
Eleanor Noelle - 18/05/12 Claire Elisabeth - 16/-5/10
This like a thousand times. Dads are, and always should be, heroes to their kids. Your child does not need to be around people who make disparaging comments about her parents. And you have in no way turned your back on your family. YH and LO are your family now, and that is who you are sticking with.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
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First, yay for you for not turning out to be a huge snob like your mother.
Second, I would absolutely restrict contact until she can get her act together. I understand you want DD to have a relationship with her grandparents, but she does NOT need to grow hearing someone talk about her father that way.
We have similar issues between me and DHs grandmother (she hates me and my entire family for something my great uncle did before I was even born lol) It started out small remarks, but it got to the point where she had no issue saying whatever she wanted in front of me, the kids, or a room full or strangers (all have happened) DH tried and tried to get her to knock it off, but they finally just haven't spoken in at least a month. I feel bad for DH having to pretty much cut off that entire side of his family (because they all listen to/believe everything she says) but I just wasn't going to tolerate it, and she left him no other choice.
My mother is full of charm too and we haven't talked since July 2010 (she's never met C) so I understand your struggle here.
First--is your father in the picture and does he share your mother's sentiments; or is he more understanding/supportive? Is there any chance he can talk with her and perhaps convince her to hold her tongue regarding DH in your presence?
Is your DH aware of your mother's opinion, and is he willing to spend time with your mom? If she holds her tongue in front of him, perhaps all of DD's visits should be with the 2 of you together, so your mom feels restrained and doesn't say anything?
Otherwise, I agree with the step you have taken in letting her know you do not agree with her behavior, and you cannot accept having your DD with her if she cannot be respectful about your DH. She is the one who should be ashamed, not you.
This 100%! I am going through a similar situation with my brother. He's been a horrible person lately, saying really mean things and airing this all over FB. My cousin has cut off contact with her mother for 2 years and she had the best advice. YOU need to teach your mom how to treat you and that the way she is treating you right now, is not acceptable. Until she can respect your choices, your husband and your lifestyle, you will not talk to her. This has been a hard thing for me to accept with my brother, but it's working. I would never allow a friend or coworker to treat me like that and family should be no different. Good luck!
Hi Rim!! E has gotten so big!!!!
I think this is the crux of it: Joey is my family and that it's up to my mom now to decide if she wants to be part of Claire's life. I just hope I have enough of a backbone to stick to my guns.
Wow. This really struck home for me, Rim. My mother likes to blame me for the fact that Aiden will not know her. She'll say "Make sure he knows I love him and that it's not my fault I'm not in his life." I KNOW it's her fault and have told her so but the way you worded this...I may have to use it.
Holy ***. It sounds like your H is a hard worker and good role model for your daughter. I would hate for your mother to have an influence on your daughter's opinion of her father. I don't know what I'd do if I was you.
Eta: Wait. I wrote s.h.i.t.e. and is was bleeped out.
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
Ug, what an awful situation. I am so sorry.
Here is what I think. I would not cut off contact yet, but you need to lay the ground rules out for your mom very clearly. Absolutely no negative remarks about your husband to him, you or your daughter. You can't change what she thinks, but she can damn well keep it to herself. If she does say somting, make it clear that you and your family will leave (or she has to go it she is at your house). Whenever you are together make sure you follow through. She makes a remark- get up and go home.
I have friends who had to do this with the husband's sister. Each time it happened they waited a little longer before seeing her again (one week, then two, then a month). It took a year, but the sister got the point and it better now.
One thing I would not worry about is her making your daughter think your DH isn't a great guy. She will love her Daddy, and if your mom keeps up with these remarks your daughter will only think less of her grandma.
I would write your mom a letter so everything is very clear. Let her know you want her to have a relationship with her grand-daughter, but not if she doesn't change her behavior. At least if you try and is doesn't work you know you did everything you could.
Do you have siblings you could talk to about this?
Not. Cool. Mom.
AT ALL....
Believe me, I'm all about family and grandparents bonding and being able to "spoil" the grandkids and all that. But I'm talking about spoiling/taking them to the zoo. Giving them candy... NOT spoiling their mind with bad talk regarding their father.
It seems you love your DH? He's a good dad? ....then your mom better hope DD doesn't grow up to see what a heartless CUNNNTT her grandmother is. She should worry more about that and less about what she's going to think of her dad.
I think you handled it exactly like you should have. Good job.
You put boundaries in place. The boundary is - there will be no disparaging remarks about my husband to me, or in front of my daughter. End of story.
If she is unwilling to acknowledge those boundaries, then you have to step back until she is willing to acknowledge and respect them.
That just needs to be made clear to her. "Mom, this is the boundary. If you're willing to respect that, there is no problem. But if not than I'm afraid you've given me no choice but to limit contact with you because your remarks are hurtful and damaging to our family."
Put it back on her - it's her decision now if she's going to play by your rules or not, but there will be consequences for her actions.
Then it sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of your family; your DH and DD. It sucks being put in this position, but this development really is something your mother could control. If she is determined to be immature, disrespectful and such a bad example for your DD, then keeping your distance might be the only way to get the message through to your mom that her behavior is unacceptable and has consequence.
The world takes all kinds and people lose sight of that. No one is better or worse if they're doing what they need to do to take care of their own.
I hate ultimatums, but I'd use one here and tell your mother to knock it off or the relationship would end. Her behavior is more hurtful than helpful to your child; why would you keep her in your lives?
My Ovulation Chart
Ditto!
IF i spoke to her at all I would tell her, that you are not turnign your back from YOUR family. DH and DD are your family. Sorry your dealing with that.
Your upbringing does not define you but it makes you who you are.
Everyone has already said what I would say. There is no way I would allow your daughter to spend time with someone who would put down her father. I have no doubt that when your DD is around your mother, that she will say these same things to her. You can't allow that to happen. I u/s that a relationship with grandparents is important, but not at the cost of your DD's opinion of her father. I'm also not sure I would want my child around anyone that talks that way about other people, especially her family, regardless of who they are.
I think you are doing the right thing here. Either your mother wants a relationship with her daughter and granddaughter or she wants to put your DH down. She can't have it both ways. Hopefully she'll choose wisely. I'm also sorry that your dad is no help, that's really too bad. He's going to miss out too.
Thank you!!! My H is one of the hardest working men I have ever met...and he is lucky enough to love his job. He's worked so hard for everything he's achieved and it's made him into the man he is today. I think he's a pretty damn good catch
This is what I would do. Honestly, I think cutting ties inmediately is warranted, but I'd have to give her fair warning before I do it.
My jaw dropped when I read that last comment you mother made. One thing is talking about him to you, but including HIS daughter in this? that's beyond low. Not to mention that I'd be concerned about what she might tell DD when I'm not around or the subtle, or not so subtle, messages she surely puts out there in front of her. That would be hurting LO, her perception and relation with her father and I would not have that under any circumstances.
GL, that's a tough situation to be in.
Both of these. Your Mom was WAAAAYYYYYYY out of line and I comend you for not slapping her then and there.
Thank you all so very much for the input. I've been beating myself up about this since last week, especially as her voicemail and email (and carrier pigeon)messages are getting increasingly bitter and angry. It is hard to take a stand against my mom...she is quite adept at psychological warfare and fights dirty....but it's time to put on my big girl panties and be a damn grownup and protect my family.
It really did help to write it all out and read your replies. I sincerely thank each and every one of you.
FWIW, I blocked my mom's number from my phone and blocked her emails from my accounts. My mom then tried sending me something via certified mail, and I rejected it. It's important to let her know that you are not playing games, and you are not taking the bait (even though it can be extremely difficult emotionally). I might also open up to your DH a bit and explain why you are breaking contact, so he can give you some support.
Wow. I am just sorry you have to deal with this from your own mother. First of all, DH is your #1...he IS YOUR FAMILY now. You sound like you guys love each other and have a healthy relationship and your mom is going to HAVE to go get over it.
It was different before you had a child, you could deal with it on your own and no one else was affected. But now, if she talks like this IN FRONT OF your child....absolutely unacceptable. I think you are RIGHT in this.
BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d
BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11
BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d
BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13
BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14
Your mom sounds like a peach. PPs have given you good advice.
I can't get over the "Claire will know where he came from....." line. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to know that her daddy worked hard for his family and made something for himself? Since when is it so hard to grow up with a silver spoon in your mouth?
If I were you, I'd keep your DD far away from your mom. She doesn't need to hear hurtful/hateful things being said about her father.
I don't have anything to add that others haven't said except that I haven't talked to my mother in more than 2 years because she sucks. Not at all the same reasons as you have-- different stuff. Anyway, I don't look back. I don't miss her negative isht in my life. Not one bit.
I agree 100% with all of this, especially the underlined part.
This, the relationship between child and father out weighs the relationship with grandparents. While it is nice to have them in their life, it is wrong to subject them with such bigoted hatred. I hope your mother opens her eyes soon or else she will miss out on some precious moments.
This post really bothered me, I feel so terrible for you and your DH. I have an overbearing mother who enjoys making snide comments (constantly) and I know how deep they dig and how much they hurt.
First, I think it is WONDERFUL that you stuck up and defended your husband. It is a shame that your mother cannot see him the way that you do. I wish I had advice to give but honestly, I don't have much, just sympathy. I think you did the right thing by telling her that she needs to change her attitude if she wants to have a relationship with you. This is the father of your child and your husband she needs to respect that and let her judgement go.
I would be telling your mother that 1. you are not turning your back on your family because your husband and daughter ARE your family and 2. that while you were not raised to turn your back on your family that SHE has turned her back on YOUR family.
And then I would reiterate that until she can be respectful to you and your H (in private and in public) that it best you limit your familial relationship as you do not want to bring up your daughter with close relationships with people who obviously are self-righteous as that is not how you are raising your daughter. And then I would tell her that you are ashamed of her.
Unfortunately your mother will probably not change her views....which is fine as long as she doesn't present them to you, your H, or your daughter.