Adoption after infertility

christineandaaron · April 2012

Anyone only try IVF one time then move onto adoption? We could try it again late summer probably with a different protocol but I just don't have that same hopeful feeling about it that I get when I think about adoption.

Dr.Loretta · April 2012

We didn't even do IVF once. A good number of adoptive or waiting moms here dealt with IF. We'd be happy to answer any questions or concerns you have.

OKitty · April 2012

Our next step was IVF, which we didn't persue at all. And yes, it was so hard to say no, and move onto adoption. It took me an entire year to come around to the concept. Today I found the best quote that sums up my inner turmoil: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I think you'll know when you're finished putting your emotions into IF treatments. It might even take a while to be fully ready for adoption, and it's completely ok to think about it for a while. IF treatments sure can take it out of you--all across the board.

Good luck with your decision!

PrincessShay80 · April 2012

We did IVF twice- the second one ended in a miscarriage- after that I was done. For us we had to exhaust every option that was medically available to us before moving onto adoption. I had to close the chapter on having a biological child before I could move onto adoption. For some they are ready to adopt without having to do all the infertility stuff. It's different for everyone. If you can 150% move forward with adoption and never look back and wonder "if that 2nd IVF" would have worked" then go for it.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

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Lemmen · April 2012

We tried IVF once after years of other unsuccessful treatments. We thought about trying IVF one more time, but it just felt like the wrong step to us. We both felt ready to close the door on IF and begin the adoption process.

c&dwaiting4ourmiracle · April 2012

From the beginning our only option was IVF. It took us a couple of surgeries before we could we do IVF (our only one). We talked about doing a second one, but when we discussed it we came to the conclusion that we just want to be parents and adoption just seemed like the natural choice. We spent $16,000 on one cycle and it was never a guarantee. With adoption we know it will happen. We had about a year and a half to think about it after our IVF due to military deployments (both hubby and I were deployed at the same time), but when we both returned and reconnected we were ready to start our adoption journey. For us it was important to have completely moved on from fertility treatments.

Wish you the best with whatever you choose to do.

Mrs.Slick · April 2012

We did one fresh IVF and two FET cycles. Had we not had any embryos left, we likely would have moved this way sooner.

KdgTeacher · April 2012

I'm currently in the tail end of the waiting to see if this cycle worked (IF treatment). MH and I are moving forward with adoption (if fact I've got paperwork on my table right now). We are possibly looking to do IVF at the end of the year unless we've been matched.

Julie721 · April 2012

Like others, we stopped before IVF. We had already decided not to do IVF before we began IF treatments, and I am so glad we did. We definitely see God's hand in the timing now that we are matched!

sw_in_kc · April 2012

marshmallowevening:
Another person who didn't even ever try IVF. We had three unsuccessful IUIs and I felt more comfortable with moving to adoption rather than trying IVF (not that I have anything at all against it). I still have a few "what if" thoughts but for the most part I am at peace.

This is exactly me too.

kekis · April 2012

Yes. Since my AMH was lower than low (0.1/7.0), I went in with the mindset that we were done if it didn't work. After being on the strongest protocol out there, I produced no eggs and didn't make it to ER. Because of the difficult time I had w/ trying to stay pg (3 m/c), I didn't want to take a risk with DE either or simply throw money into the wind. I took a handful of months to grieve that I wouldn't have a bio child, and then began to consider adoption. Due to continued issues, I had a complete hysterectomy in January of this year. The positive aspect of adoption is that you will eventually get your child --- the child meant for you doesn't have to be biological. Me coming to that understanding is what led us to this point. Feel free to read more in my blog. That's the quick version. GL to you!

hway24 · April 2012

We did adoption instead of IVF. We could only afford one option and decided to pursue adoption. I felt so relieved and hopeful when we moved to adoption.

inlovewithB · April 2012

We continued IF treatments after starting our adoption journey (details in siggy). MH wasn't ready to close the door to IVF when we signed on with our agency. He loves our baby girl more than I ever knew was possible, but he hasn't completely let go of getting to support me through pregnancy and childbirth. He still wants to try one more IVF cycle (that is already paid for meds and all) and I would rather not go through that emotional and physical trauma again.

jackieo1309 · April 2012

We also didn't get all the way to IVF. We did 4 cycles of clomid and decided to adopt sometime during the third cycle. I was just so sick of being miserable on the pills (I really couldn't sleep for 3 weeks per month- although I'm sure injectables are probably worse!) and I had just lost hope that it was going to work. We had planned to adopt after having a couple bio kids anyway so I was excited about it as soon as we started researching- it's so comforting to know that we WILL be parents at the end of all this. There's still a chance that we'll conceive on our own given a few years (I have long, irregular, anovulatory cycles but no other problems that we know of) so we haven't completely given up on having bio kids in the future. But I know what you mean about the "hopeful feeling", to me that was everything. You could always go back to do try IVF again after adopting, but just make sure that you and DH are on the same page about what you want. I didn't even really want to take the last round of clomid because I was so excited about adoption at that point but DH really needed me to finish the clomid to be able to completely embrace adoption. Now he couldn't be more excited about it. Good luck with whatever you decide!

bumpuser794640 · April 2012

We have male-factor infertility, and after DH having surgery to try and improve his numbers (with very limited success), we had a decision to make. We could either give IVF a try, move on to adoption, or choose to live child-free. It took DH some time to wrap his head around adoption, but ultimately we know we want to be parents, and we don't care how that happens, so we chose adoption as our path to parenthood.

bumpuser794640 · April 2012

We have male-factor infertility, and after DH having surgery to try and improve his numbers (with very limited success), we had a decision to make. We could either give IVF a try (this being the only fertility treatment that would give us a chance at conceiving), move on to adoption, or choose to live child-free. It took DH some time to wrap his head around adoption, but ultimately we know we want to be parents, and we don't care how that happens, so we chose adoption as our path to parenthood.

Proud adoptive mom 6.11.09 · April 2012

My DH and I have just today got the news that IVF # 3 was BFFN. We already have one adopted son who will be 18 in october. We took him in 3 years ago when his family lost custody. He is someone who grew up with me in my neighborhood I am only 25. Well now that IVF # 3 has failed we had decided to go the adoption route once again but this time we want a younger child. My DH was ready to move on after our first failed IVF but I wanted to make sure I used all my medical optionsa for a bio child before moving on to adoption again, Yes the pain is still there and very fresh but at the end of the day we just want to be parents again and raise a child and we dont care how this happens. I am done with the emotional physical and mental toll this has taken on my body. Time to move on.

christineandaaron · April 2012

Wow! I am so thrilled at how many of you ladies replied! Thank you so much! DH and I discussed what our plan of action is in more detail last night and....we are moving onto adoption!! I am so excited and hearing all of your stories makes me even more so. We have already done lots of research into an agency and now just need to fill out the initial application so we can start the homestudy process. I am really looking forward to getting to know you all on this board and trying to post more regularly.

Kitttkattt · April 2012

It is discouraging. Remember that even perfect looking blasts an be genetically abnormal, therefore not lead to pregnancy. I had 17 blasts. I did 5 panel pgd, 6 of those embryoes were genetically abnormal. If I hadn't done pgd, that's 3 frozen cycles to transfer those 6. And all would have failed. I transferred 6 normal embryoes over 4 cycles, just to have my son. PGD doesn't test for all defects. All my blasts, all 17 were good looking. It doesn't matter how you feel emotionally, a genetically normal blast will have an extremely high chance to become a baby. Your RE is the best person to know if you have a good chance of success. They know your ovarian reserve, your response to stim meds, your embryo quality. If your RE thinks you have a good shot, I would pursue it. I know how hard it is. I had one fresh cycle and 3 frozen cycles. I had 2 chemical pregnancies, which were devastating, then I lost twins at 22 weeks. Which was horrible beyond words. But I stuck with it, and now I have my son. It will be worth it in the end. Watching your child grow in your body, your husband and you creating something precious together that is both of you, going through the miracle of birth together.

Kitttkattt · April 2012

A 27yr old woman with unexplained infertility,meaning no DOR, no other identified issues, will have a very high success rate, about 40-50% per IVF cycle if at a good clinic. The success rates for IUI at best are 10% per cycle. I think it is way premature to give up on your bio child after just IUIs& one failed IVF. An RE would tell her the same thing. Reality is she is in the highest success rate group. It just doesn't get better as far as IVF.

christineandaaron · April 2012

Kitttkattt:
A 27yr old woman with unexplained infertility,meaning no DOR, no other identified issues, will have a very high success rate, about 40-50% per IVF cycle if at a good clinic. The success rates for IUI at best are 10% per cycle. I think it is way premature to give up on your bio child after just IUIs& one failed IVF. An RE would tell her the same thing. Reality is she is in the highest success rate group. It just doesn't get better as far as IVF.

Thanks for your input as well. I realize we have a higher success rate being unexplained. However, there is also the money factor. We could keep trying and trying to no avail and our resources be wiped out and then be unable to adopt. We want to be parents and there and several ways to go about this. We truly feel a calling to pursue adoption. We will continue to try on our own the old fashioned way and just not prevent. Maybe down the road pursue treatments again but for now we are ready to move on. Ivf is a lot financially and emotionally as well as physically. I don't like who I am on the meds and the negative person I have become. Adoption makes me feel hopeful again and gives me joy to think about my future child.

Mrs.Slick · April 2012

Kitttkattt:
A 27yr old woman with unexplained infertility,meaning no DOR, no other identified issues, will have a very high success rate, about 40-50% per IVF cycle if at a good clinic. The success rates for IUI at best are 10% per cycle. I think it is way premature to give up on your bio child after just IUIs& one failed IVF. An RE would tell her the same thing. Reality is she is in the highest success rate group. It just doesn't get better as far as IVF.

What may seem premature to you, may not be for someone else. And maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but it bothers me when people refer to moving on to adoption as giving up.

Go_Dawgs · April 2012

Mrs.Slick:

Kitttkattt:
A 27yr old woman with unexplained infertility,meaning no DOR, no other identified issues, will have a very high success rate, about 40-50% per IVF cycle if at a good clinic. The success rates for IUI at best are 10% per cycle. I think it is way premature to give up on your bio child after just IUIs& one failed IVF. An RE would tell her the same thing. Reality is she is in the highest success rate group. It just doesn't get better as far as IVF.

What may seem premature to you, may not be for someone else. And maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but it bothers me when people refer to moving on to adoption as giving up.

DITTO.

Adoption is an equally valid way of building a family and is absolutely not second best. At what point a person/couple decides to move on to adoption is an entirely personal decision and there is no right or wrong time to do it.

For me, I really have no desire for a biological child, and so many of my friends have had terrible pregnancies that I really don't have a desire to experience pregnancy, either. I did always assume I would be pregnant one day, as that was the means to the end I desired - to be a parent. I've known for a while that I have PCOS and knew that conceiving might be difficult. When I found out that I don't ovulate, I did a ton of reading about fertility treatment and decided that it isn't for me - ALL of it. I never even did Clomid or IUI, so IVF is certainly off the table for me. I just have no interest in the medication side effects, the invasiveness of the procedures, or the emotional ups and downs. If I were guaranteed a child after just one attempt, I may feel differently.

Adoption was the right choice for our family. I have zero regrets and have not even once wondered "what if."

Rachel Sonnier · April 2012

I totally agree with the PP. Deciding on the right time to move forward, for you and your spouse, is an extremely personal and individual decision. Not everyone has the emotional or financial reserves to deal with multiple failed IVF cycles (or even IUI, or TI cycles). There is no rule that says that you have to exhaust every possible avenue and be completely hopeless before you can make the decision to adopt. We are all different, and in different situations.

I also don't believe that choosing adoption in leu of fertility treatments is "giving up/settling" in any way. Its just a different route to becoming a parent. For us, the decision to adopt meant moving on from the depressing drudgery of procedures and treatments, to something immensely more positive and hopeful. Honestly, realizing that I WILL be a mom through adoption is 100 times more reassuring for me, than any 40-50% success rates I would have had with an IVF cycle in an attempt to have another bio child. The bio part just isn't that important to some of us.

And although I was blessed enough to conceive after IF the first time, I cannot imagine that my future child, who will inevitably grow inside of someone else, could be any less beautiful, miraculous or loved, than the one that grew inside of me. I feel blessed that I was able to experience that once, but if I never do it again, I will be just fine. To my husband and I, the pregnancy isn't the important part, the parenting is.

That is where I am in my personal journey, but I think that any time a child miraculously grows from tiny cells inside of someone's body, it is absolutely AMAZING...and it doesn't matter to me if my child grows in my body, or someone else's. Its perfectly ok if you continue to be invested in IF treatments, but its ok for the rest of us who have moved on as well. We are all in different places.

Rachel Sonnier · April 2012

I meant to quote Kitttkattt in that comment, but I must not have done it correctly. Good luck Christineandarron! I know that hopeful feeling, and only you can decide what is right for your family. :-)

JMay · April 2012

Hi Ladies - I just want to thank the OP for posting this, and for all of your replies. I intro'd a while back and decided to take time to think things over, try a few more cycles.

I keep feeling stressed over the fact that I'm not able to resolve my emotions and run towards adoption yet. Hearing from one poster that it took a year helps me so much - I "want" to be ready, but I don't want to push myself into thinking I'm ready when I'm not. This post was so, so helpful to me.

I'll keep lurking here and hoping and praying for all of you wonderful Ladies - maybe I'll get to join you some day.

Kitttkattt · April 2012

One last comment, as a 27 yr old you would qualify for the shared risk program. I believe you would qualify for 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen cycles, and you would receive 80% of your money back if no live birth. Of course you would be out the money for meds.

christineandaaron · April 2012

Kitttkattt:
One last comment, as a 27 yr old you would qualify for the shared risk program. I believe you would qualify for 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen cycles, and you would receive 80% of your money back if no live birth. Of course you would be out the money for meds.

Yes we applied for the shared risk program and were accepted. However we chose not to do it. I didn't want to feel like I had to keep trying if I didn't want to. I felt that I would feel that way had I already paid for it. For some people that is the way to go. For me I am glad I didn't. The physical and emotional toll from this ivf was a lot and not something I am sure I ever want to experience again.

Kitttkattt · April 2012

It is hard,I can completely understand. It was the worst thing I ever went thru.even know I look back,I'm still traumatized, it's constant hoops u have to jump thru and pass.starting with basic day 3 testing and non stop from there.

christineandaaron · April 2012

Kitttkattt:
It is hard,I can completely understand. It was the worst thing I ever went thru.even know I look back,I'm still traumatized, it's constant hoops u have to jump thru and pass.starting with basic day 3 testing and non stop from there.

Agreed! Thanks again everyone for your input. I don't know anyone personally struggling with IF IRL so having all of you to discuss these tough situations is nice.

erinmc1 · April 2012

hway24:
We did adoption instead of IVF. We could only afford one option and decided to pursue adoption. I felt so relieved and hopeful when we moved to adoption.

This, exactly. Our chances of conceiving with IVF were really lousy because of hubby's extremely low count and poor morphology and my endo-related anovulation and scarring. So we decided to can the IF treatments and move straight to adoption. What little treatment we had just never felt right, whereas with the decision to adopt, we finally had some hope.

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