How did you respond to the question....

JWiety030411 · April 2012

Hi ladies! I am a FTM and my husband and I are currently going through a Bradley Method class with the hopes of a completely natural birth. As I get further along in my pregnancy, I feel like more people have started asking if I'm going to "get drugs or do it naturally". It seems to me that natural birth, in the area that I live, is a foreign concept to most people. I have a hard time explaining why I want a natural birth without sounding judgemental of their decision to have all the meds available. My husband and I believe that we are doing what is best for me and the baby in so many ways by trying to do this naturally, but I don't want to say to someone "Well, we believe that drugs can harm the baby" or "My body is designed to give birth" and have them counter with "So are you saying I'm a bad mom because I got an epidural?"

Any advice? How did you explain your decision to go for a natural birth without offending people?

maddiemoon43 · April 2012

I never wanted to debate or alienate people, and I know it's a fine line to avoid putting others on the defensive about their choices when you explain yours (which they seem to have no problem doing to you in the first place, ironically enough...).

I would just say, "I plan to see how long I can go without an epi. Ideally I want to be able to move around, use the tub, etc., so I hope to not need one." I tried to keep it light and general and didn't touch on medical reasons and pros/cons. I just made it about the benefits to me in labor. I feel like I was general enough that I also felt like I wouldn't be judged or get "I told you so'd," if I "caved." In the end I did it without, and my recovery, going home with my MWs 3 hours later, my gushing about the great tub, and how positive I felt about the experience spoke for itself.

annabelle.27 · April 2012

I just didn't talk about it with people who weren't supportive. When someone asks, just shrug and say that you'll find out when you get there and change the subject. Your plans aren't really anyone else's business.

JWiety030411 · April 2012

maddiemoon43:

I would just say, "I plan to see how long I can go without an epi. Ideally I want to be able to move around, use the tub, etc., so I hope to not need one." I tried to keep it light and general and didn't touch on medical reasons and pros/cons. I just made it about the benefits to me in labor. I feel like I was general enough that I also felt like I wouldn't be judged or get "I told you so'd," if I "caved." In the end I did it without, and my recovery, going home with my MWs 3 hours later, my gushing about the great tub, and how positive I felt about the experience spoke for itself.

This is really good advice. Thank you! And I'm glad that you had such a positive experience

Tash13 · April 2012

I live in an area that is very c-section friendly, so at the very least people just assume you're going to get an epi. Most women that I speak to don't even ask if I'm going to get an epidural but ask if I'm going to get a c-section or natural because those are the two options they can wrap their heads around. When I was pg with my DS I had a lot of people ask me questions on what my plans were and I just answered with a vague "we'll see what happens". This way they could let me know their opinions (since there's no stopping them), but I didn't have to discuss it either way if I didn't want to. Once I had my DS med-free, I did tell people what I did and explained why only if asked.

Now people assume I'll have a med-free birth but ask me where I'm going to have him. We're having a home birth but don't want to discuss it openly so I have gone back to my "we'll see" or "we haven't decided yet" answer. I've learned vague is best for everybody involved.

erb82 · April 2012

I'm surprised that people are actually asking that question outright! I would say, I'm going to try to avoid an epidural, but we'll see what happens. And if they ask why, I say that I have had lots of weird reactions to medication in the past and I don't want to risk that during childbirth. This is true, but by no means the full reason I'm going med-free. And then of course, you might get the "just wait until you actually start having contractions, you'll change your mind," which drove me crazier than anything else.

AnaKat405 · April 2012

Tash13:
We're having a home birth but don't want to discuss it openly so I have gone back to my "we'll see" or "we haven't decided yet" answer. I've learned vague is best for everybody involved.

This is great and I'll certainly keep it in mind!

The only people who know DH and I are doing an at home birth are is mom and our MW. The only reason his mom knows is because he told her (she never would've found out if she'd asked me about it!), and she decided that we're "weird" and I'm "crazy" for even considering it.

I know as soon as I get bigger more people will find my personal birthing choice to be open for discussion and having a concise way to answer them without telling them anything is exactly what I need to have ready.

JWiety030411 · April 2012

erb82:
I'm surprised that people are actually asking that question outright! I would say, I'm going to try to avoid an epidural, but we'll see what happens. And if they ask why, I say that I have had lots of weird reactions to medication in the past and I don't want to risk that during childbirth. This is true, but by no means the full reason I'm going med-free. And then of course, you might get the "just wait until you actually start having contractions, you'll change your mind," which drove me crazier than anything else.

I also thought it was quite rude to ask that question outright - especially when some of the people have been people I am not close to at all! We live in a VERY small town and I think sometimes tact goes out the window - people are extremely nosey! And I completely agree about the "you'll change your mind" thing - that fuels me to want to be strong through the whole thing even more! Thanks for your advice

FyreFlyeRush · April 2012

I've actually never run into that problem. People ask if I'll get the epidural this time (knowing I didn't the first time), and I say, "Oh, I'm delivering naturally." They think I'm insane, but no one has ever seemed offended.

catsinawindow · April 2012

I told people that I wanted to avoid the epidural because I didn't want to be stuck in bed, didn't want the urine catheter, and wanted to be able to eat and drink. Almost everyone understood those desires, even if they did get the epidural. Usually, they'd agree and say "yeah, it did suck not being able to eat all that time" or something like that. Occasionally, I'd get someone trying to convince me that I wouldn't be able to do these things anyway (I was birthing in a hospital), but then I'd tell them that I already spoke to my doctor about it, and that would be the end of the discussion.

I think this is a nice way to avoid hurting feelings.

tokenhoser · April 2012

I was an avoider. To me, it's a REALLY personal question. If it was a close friend that I would talk about my birth with, I'd have a conversation. If it was an acquaintance or coworker, I dodge and changed the subject. I don't want to have to defend my choices to people that really don't have a stake in them. Even now, it gets a bit awkward when a mommy friend starts ranting about "who would do that without the drugs"...

pixieprincss · April 2012

"Why do you ask?" (friendly tone and smile) can be very helpful and can help you know what it is that the person is trying to get at. From there, you can decide how to phrase your answer.

My next best answer is, "We are hoping for a low-intervention birth." (no explanation offered.) If they press, I say, "It is the best fit for our family." Usually the conversation ends there, but if not usually the other person has said enough by that point that I can asses if they are looking for a kindred spirit or looking to judge, tell a story, vent, spew something they think they know, etc. Usually I think that people want to tell their stories more so than they really care about mine. If I give them the platform to talk without editing them, it tends to get us through the moment.

A good, neutral response to many things people say is, "I am so glad that you have a plan/had a birth that worked for your family."

If someone is fear-mongering or spreading misinformation, I do try to correct it through affirmation, questions, pointing to a resource, or humbly sharing a small bit of info (rather than being a know-it-all)
-I'm sorry you went through that. Do you think that is a common thing?
-I've read some ideas for how to approach that differently. Let me know if you ever want to check it out and I can point you to it.
-That is true for some women. Other women find that...

redheadinlove · April 2012

I feel no need to justify my reasons. If someone has anything to say about it my response is to smile and nod.

3003girl · April 2012

I said I was going to go natural because I don't do well with pain meds, which is mostly true. It was nice because it gave me a way to talk about it that wasn't judgy. But, I mostly avoided the conversation.

I did get a lot of "ok, that's easy for you to say now" type of responses. But really pain meds were never an option in my mindset and I was fortunate enough to have a "normal" birth without complications so if never came up. I think my mom was impressed and my sister was jealous, but not very many other people even know I had a "natural" birth.

amber323 · April 2012

I always just shrug it off as well, I'm planning a home waterbirth and if I even begin to tell people about it they look at me like I'm a crazy person. I found it better to keep my birthing plans to me and the people I am looking to for support, otherwise you get a lot of negativity and it makes you doubt your own power.

EMOmamma · April 2012

pixieprincss:
"Why do you ask?" (friendly tone and smile) can be very helpful and can help you know what it is that the person is trying to get at. From there, you can decide how to phrase your answer.

My next best answer is, "We are hoping for a low-intervention birth." (no explanation offered.) If they press, I say, "It is the best fit for our family." Usually the conversation ends there, but if not usually the other person has said enough by that point that I can asses if they are looking for a kindred spirit or looking to judge, tell a story, vent, spew something they think they know, etc. Usually I think that people want to tell their stories more so than they really care about mine. If I give them the platform to talk without editing them, it tends to get us through the moment.

A good, neutral response to many things people say is, "I am so glad that you have a plan/had a birth that worked for your family."

If someone is fear-mongering or spreading misinformation, I do try to correct it through affirmation, questions, pointing to a resource, or humbly sharing a small bit of info (rather than being a know-it-all)
-I'm sorry you went through that. Do you think that is a common thing?
-I've read some ideas for how to approach that differently. Let me know if you ever want to check it out and I can point you to it.
-That is true for some women. Other women find that...

ALL OF THIS!

"Why do you ask?" is my go to response for all things pregnancy & parenting related! Are you getting an epi?...are you planning to BF?...pacifier?...swaddle?...circumcise?...going back to work? - it works everywhere!

BrideNamedMeg · April 2012

I always told people that I was doing everything I could to avoid a c-section so I wanted to go as naturally as possible. For whatever reason that seemed to work well, no one ever said anything negative to me about my plan. I really didn't want to go into all the details with everyone asking me a casual question, but there were people I talked to about the benefits of natural birth and more of why we wanted to go that route.

Klikina · April 2012

I didn't mind answering people if they asked. If they asked why I didn't want an epi, I just said that there are a lot of physical benefits to going without medication, and those benefits were important to me. I felt that was a good way of not offending anyone for getting drugs, while showing that this wasn't some "I just want a medal" thing. And sometimes I'd throw out that since my mom had three natural births, I didn't see why I couldn't either. When I said either of those, usually people were genuinely curious to hear more about the differences between medicated and non-medicated birth.

I definitely got the comment "You'll give in as soon as you feel that first contraction" and as this came from someone who was trying to convince me to get an episiotomy, I just ignored her. Some people just aren't worth arguing with.

blonddnyc · April 2012

To anyone who is intrusive enough to ask me is going to get an earful, i dont care if they get offended. I welcome the debate, and/or educating them on natural birth. But my first response would be something like... I want to experience life and birth, not numb it out - I know Im strong enough to do it without drugs, and that it will only make me stronger. Sucks if your too weak to handle it... lol. Yes, I am stubborn in my opinions and I don't often filter what I say.

I just told my husband this the other night... its like the same reason that when we vacation we go to remote locations and stay in private villas, off the beaten path, to experience the culture, people and nature. We dont go to touristy places or stay in all-inclusives. I dont want to just go along and do what everyone else does. I want to grab life and live it to the fullest, if Im gonna give birth - i want to fully experience it.

SWBs Wifey · April 2012

I'm not terribly concerned with how I come off when it comes to this. If you asked, then you wanted to know, so take it. Right? BUT.... in my circumstances, I think some of the interventions used in DS1's birth made my little family miserable and I don't want to go through that again if I can avoid it.

1) Pitocin was the devil to me. Some can handle it well... I cannot.

2) Even after the epidural, I was shaking so much that my husband was scared something was wrong (he'd been told that the shakes should subside after the epi).

3) I was checked for dilation at least a dozen times after I checked into the hospital (my water broke before I arrived). It might have been 2 dozen. NO ONE told us that could lead to infection... it was mild, but I had a fever at the time of delivery (which could have also been a result of the epi) and my son wasn't allowed to leave the intermediate nursery for 24 hours... he was on antibiotics for 48 hours... and he didn't have any sign of infection. That bothers me. A LOT.

4) I wasn't allowed out of bed to go to the bathroom AT ALL. I checked in at 10:30 and at 8:30 I begged for an epi... after which, I received the first of FIVE catheters. I'm lucky I didn't end up with chronic UTIs from the number of times they had to cath me.

4b) Did you know that not going to the bathroom can seriously slow down labor? So when the OB (who I never saw or met... EVER, thank goodness) started talking about my failure to progress, he clearly hadn't considered that I was failing to progress because I needed to use the dang bathroom and I wasn't allowed out of bed!

5) I wasn't allowed to drink anything at all during labor. NOTHING. Dehydration can also slow down labor... which is why they pumped me full of IV fluids. I weighed more when I checked out than when I checked in.

So... yeah... I think all of those reasons above are dang good reasons for me to want to go natural this time. Oh... and a big one here is that I polled the women I knew who'd given birth at the hospital on base. ALL of them were induced. ONE of them ended with a vaginal birth. The other 6 were C-secs.

stahlop · April 2012

I basically said "After much research we have decided to go naturally and not use any drugs". Sad to say, most people dont do any research when having a baby. Of course, once I decided on a home birth, the going natural part was much easier. Then I got all the baby horror stories and I had to tell people that I didn't want to hear them.

brennarobbie · April 2012

I'm so glad you asked this question! I'm like most on here who come from an epi and c-section friendly area. I made the mistake of answering the question with "we are going to try to have a natural birth" at Christmas. With my family. It was a disaster. As baby showers approach, this has crossed my mind...

I've been using the "we'll see what happens" response lately, but I LOVE the PP's response of "Why do you ask?" That is what I'm going to do from now on. Then I can be a listener and see where the person is really coming from and then respond accordingly. )

I'm not saying I don't stick up for myself...it's just that I honestly just don't feel like going through the struggle/debate. Especially with others who have already made up their minds (without doing the research) that "natural birth is crazy," "why would you want to feel all that pain when epis are a routine thing now," "you just wait till you feel that first contraction," etc.

It's just not worth my time/energy to argue or explain why I'm choosing natural birth for me and my sweet little man.

Want a personalized experience?

How did you respond to the question....

Re: How did you respond to the question....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards