TTC After a Loss

My bitter obsessive AL sub-conscious

I had the weirdest dream last night - in it,  my boss told me that he was had just come back from the doctors. He was 12 weeks pregnant and showing me the ultrasound. Have I mentioned the A. He's gay, B. He's over 40 and C. He's a He!! I actually woke up feeling pissed off that he was having a baby... It took me a few minutes to Rememeber it was just a dream and to calm down. More to the point, there are only a very few pregnant women I know right now that I'm actually happy for - the rest can just suck it....

There will be a day when I got over this jealousy, right?

Married My Love on 6/18/2006
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
<3 Baby Boy Born 8/22/13 <3
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Re: My bitter obsessive AL sub-conscious

  • Ah yes...the dreams that even people that can't possibly get pregnant, are pregnant.  I am all too familiar with them.  If you wanna have a little chuckle, I'll tell you about a dream I had not too long ago.  Apparantly my husband and I were pregnant at the same time, but he was due before me.  Our fertilized egg traveled up his peepee deepeee and implanted.  I was planning how I would be out of maternity leave a month or so after he had the baby.  Confused

    It's very hard to be happy for a pregnant woman or a new mother, but you will have better days.  You will also continue to have days that you want to gut punch them.  All I can do is give you a (((HUG)))

    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
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  • That sounds like a bizarre dream. I had a weird one a couple nights ago where SIL found out in detail everything I hated about her and wrote me a letter telling me how nice she has been to me and all I've done is hate her. I woke up mad because it felt so real.

    And to the getting over the jealous part, I really hope so. It's been over a year since my last loss and yet there are days the jealousy consumes me. And I'm right there with you for only being happy for a few pg women, like one to be exact.

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    Started TTC June 2010
    BFP #1
    07/04/10. EDD 03/14/11. Missed m/c 08/09/10. D&C 09/27/10. }Casey & Jaimie{
    BFP #2 01/14/11. EDD 09/25/11. Missed m/c 02/18/11. D&C 02/24/11. }Dustin{
    TTA for 18 months and then TTC for 12 months
    BFP #3 08/18/13. EDD 04/30/14. Missed m/c 09/25/13. D&C 09/26/13. }Daylin{
    TTA for 7 months
    Jan-Mar 2014 - RPL, SHG, karotyping: all results normal
    TTC Again May 2014
    Progesterone & baby aspirin combo for 5 cycles
    - All BFN's
    SA with DNA fragmentation = Perfect results

    Diagnostic cycle monitoring = Polycystic ovaries leading to premature egg release
    TTA Oct 2014 - Jan 2015
    Jan 2015 - Medicated cycle with timed intercourse
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  • What a strange dream.  

    I am sure the jealousy gets betters some day, but I have no idea when.  

    11/2010 Diagnosed with PCOS 
    10/31/11 M/C at 9 weeks
    1/12/13 DD was born
    4/9/16 DS was born 
    9/17 CP 
    6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19 

  • Is it OK that your dream actually made me chuckle?  It is odd how our issues play out in dreams.
    DS born 2009
    BFP#2 ~ 8/2/11, EDD 4/11/12, D&C 9/12/11 at 9w5d
    BFP#3 ~ 4/15/12, EDD 12/21/12 ~ DD born 12/22/12
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  • I think those dreams are hilarious (in a sad kind of way). I have really off the wall dreams but they aren't about babies really ever.

    As for the jealousy, IDK. I don't think that feeling ever goes away. I am still pissed over the death of my father and I know I will carry that sh!t around with me all my life so I imagine this I will too but hopefully the edges will dull with time.

    Me: 37 DH: 40 TTC since 9/09
    #1 BFP 1/10/11; missed m/c discovered 7w5d
    IF Dx: Endo, hetero MTHFR mutation, poor morphology
    #1 IUI: 1/18/12 = BFN
    #1 IVF/ICSI 4/2/12 = 2 x 7-cell and 1 x 5-cell transferred (3dt) = BFP!!
    H was born at 41w2d on 12/29/12 - be still my heart!
    #2 IVF/ICSI 1/19/14 = 2 x 8 cells transferred (3dt) = BFP!! EDD 10/09/14
    M&W born at 37 weeks on 9/18/14 - I am the momma of 3 boys!!!

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  • imagewickedsugar:

    I'll let you know when I get there ?!

    The AL Ladies that I know, no issues, the stranger in the mall with a 1yr old and Pg again, not so much.. Embarrassed

    And this would be my SIL. And why can`t DH understand my feelings?

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    Started TTC June 2010
    BFP #1
    07/04/10. EDD 03/14/11. Missed m/c 08/09/10. D&C 09/27/10. }Casey & Jaimie{
    BFP #2 01/14/11. EDD 09/25/11. Missed m/c 02/18/11. D&C 02/24/11. }Dustin{
    TTA for 18 months and then TTC for 12 months
    BFP #3 08/18/13. EDD 04/30/14. Missed m/c 09/25/13. D&C 09/26/13. }Daylin{
    TTA for 7 months
    Jan-Mar 2014 - RPL, SHG, karotyping: all results normal
    TTC Again May 2014
    Progesterone & baby aspirin combo for 5 cycles
    - All BFN's
    SA with DNA fragmentation = Perfect results

    Diagnostic cycle monitoring = Polycystic ovaries leading to premature egg release
    TTA Oct 2014 - Jan 2015
    Jan 2015 - Medicated cycle with timed intercourse
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    My Blog: The Canadian Housewife    PGAL/PAL Welcome    My Chart
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  • imagedelino:

    Ah yes...the dreams that even people that can't possibly get pregnant, are pregnant.  I am all too familiar with them.  If you wanna have a little chuckle, I'll tell you about a dream I had not too long ago.  Apparantly my husband and I were pregnant at the same time, but he was due before me.  Our fertilized egg traveled up his peepee deepeee and implanted.  I was planning how I would be out of maternity leave a month or so after he had the baby.  Confused

    It's very hard to be happy for a pregnant woman or a new mother, but you will have better days.  You will also continue to have days that you want to gut punch them.  All I can do is give you a (((HUG)))

    I love that you have both a "scientific" explanation and have thought out the work related complications to this dream. 

    Married My Love on 6/18/2006
    BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
    BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
    BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
    BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
    BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
    <3 Baby Boy Born 8/22/13 <3
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  • imagekatharine25:
    imagedelino:

    Ah yes...the dreams that even people that can't possibly get pregnant, are pregnant.  I am all too familiar with them.  If you wanna have a little chuckle, I'll tell you about a dream I had not too long ago.  Apparantly my husband and I were pregnant at the same time, but he was due before me.  Our fertilized egg traveled up his peepee deepeee and implanted.  I was planning how I would be out of maternity leave a month or so after he had the baby.  Confused

    It's very hard to be happy for a pregnant woman or a new mother, but you will have better days.  You will also continue to have days that you want to gut punch them.  All I can do is give you a (((HUG)))

    I love that you have both a "scientific" explanation and have thought out the work related complications to this dream. 

    Actually I thought those out IN my dream. I remember in the dream thinking about how it happened. Yep...I've lost my damn mind.
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
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  • I would imagine it would go away after i'm done having kids.. Provided they are bio...if not I would imagine it will never go away
  • Well, I am going to look at the first part from a completely different angle. I loved your dream, and found it to be pretty funny, seeing as a 40-year-old gay man could never get pregnant ? not that a 40-year-old straight man could either. Ha.

    But come on .... That's such a ridiculous, illogical hoot. Did he get knocked-up in the bathroom? Wink

    As far as being jealous ... I understand only being happy for certain women, but even that can sting. Yesterday, a pregnant coworker ? She's lost a baby, so I'm honestly more comfortable around her growing belly ? was standing by my desk when another lady walked by and just said "Hey, preggo ..." Holy hell that hurt ... I immediately started crying, as that cut to the core knowing how pregnant I should be. It also irked me, because it impeded into my "safe zone" ...

    I agree with Ang, in that I think it will go away when we're good and pregnant, or once our babies are here. 

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    We lost our first (EDD 07/23/12) after finding out at 12 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. Our rainbow was born 05/22/13 and was worth all we went through.

    “So can you understand? Why I want a daughter while I’m still young? I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before all this damage is done. But if it’s too much to ask, it’s too much to ask … Then send me a son.” – Arcade Fire
  • What a weird dream. I know how dreams can make you feel like they're real when you wake up, even after a while! Sorry that brought on your emotions (even though it was kind of funny to read!)

    I just talked to my counselor yesterday about jealousy and how I don't want to have it. She made me feel normal and okay about it as long as I'm not actively trying to do things to bring those I'm jealous of down or do anything to hurt them. I do know just how much it stings though. ((HUGS))

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    BFP#1: 9-13-11 EDD: 5-26-12 MMC: 11-4-11 D&C: 11-8-11
    BFP#2: 7-6-12 Elizabeth Faye ("Zuzu") born 3-21-13
  • Your dream was very funny, it's always amazing how things in our conscious lives show up in our dreams...

    As for the jealousy, I don't know it will ever go away completely, but I think there will be good days and bad days. 

     


    BFP 12/19/08- DS born 8/25/09 9lbs2oz via Zavanelli Maneuver
    BFP 8/26/11- Missed miscarriage discovered 10/19/11 at 11w2d, measured at 9 weeks gestation w/ no HB. D&C 10/21/11
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  • imageChloBub:

    I just talked to my counselor yesterday about jealousy and how I don't want to have it. She made me feel normal and okay about it as long as I'm not actively trying to do things to bring those I'm jealous of down or do anything to hurt them. I do know just how much it stings though. ((HUGS))

    That makes sense -That its ok to feel jealous, just not to act on it.  

    Married My Love on 6/18/2006
    BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
    BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
    BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
    BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
    BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
    <3 Baby Boy Born 8/22/13 <3
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  • imagewickedsugar:

    I'll let you know when I get there ?!

    The AL Ladies that I know, no issues, the stranger in the mall with a 1yr old and Pg again, not so much.. Embarrassed

    This.

    And wtf did you eat before you went to sleep and conjured up that craziness?? Hilarious... but yes, sad.  

    It was a rough road, but Arlo Daniel was born April 1, 2013—and our second rainbow is due October 12, 2014.
  • First off, that dream is hilarious- even though I know it still sucked as it was yet another pregnancy dream that haunted you in your sleep.

     

    And secondly, I feel you on the pregnancy thing. I can think of one person that I am mostly happy for that she is pregnant. The rest can shove it.

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  • I am so jealous of other ladies, too. :(  It makes me feel *so* guilty, too.
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  • Yeah I've been jealous of a dog before that was pregnant... TTCAL is a total mind eff sometimes. Your dream reminds me of that movie Jr with Arnold Swarzeneger in it lol
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  • It's so twisted, isn't it?  How we could be jealous of an over 40 gay man with a full uterus.  I'm right there with ya...
    BFP #1 - Chemical Pregnancy ----BFP#2 - DD born at 32 weeks-----BFP #3 Spontaneous Identical Twin Boys lost due to Missed M/C - on 7/1/11----BFP #4 Baby girl lost due to Trisomy 22 on 1/6/12 PGAL and PAL Always Welcome! Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • imagekatharine25:

    There will be a day when I got over this jealousy, right?

    Ehhhhhhhh, I am thinking the jealousy is hanging around for a while. I have come to terms with most things but other pregnant people is really my hot button. I think eventually there will be a mental compartment in our brain to place the jealousy in so that we do not feel its all consuming-ness. But...at least for me, having a healthy pregnancy will probably be the only thing that will take away feelings of intense jealousy!

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