Clicky - do you judge non-AP parents?

lanie30 · April 2012

dottymobo:
Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.
As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.

Oh I have a feeling your smug nonsense will carry you right through jr's college years.

mamabirdof4 · April 2012

I judge those who give attachment parenting a bad name!!!!

dottymobo · April 2012

lanie30:
dottymobo:
Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.
As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.
Oh I have a feeling your smug nonsense will carry you right through jr's college years.

um, burn?

Look, I don't disagree that certain choices loom less large as your kid ages, and that that's fine. I don't think that many people will find it to be news that everything seems like a bigger deal when you're new to it and actually experiencing it- or that message boards make any opinion anyone expresses sound like something that they care deeply about. I don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) will obsess over other's Bjorn use or FF when their kid is in second grade, but I really don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) does now, like you seem to. I do think that the choices I make reflect my attitude toward my child, and that that will matter as my kids get older- but that may just be my lack of perspective speaking, as my oldest is only 2.5.

I just find it interesting that you feel that you've reached the magical spot where you can speak with authority on parenting, but other people who act like they know anything are judge-worthy and will someday know better (or should). I'm sure that with a single four year old you know all there is to know about what's important. Really. So, thanks for your "perspective".

dottymobo · April 2012

Blue Pansy:
I said that I judge some things, but really, I feel like I mostly judge other peoples' attitudes, not so much their parenting choices. Some people talk about their decisions in a way that makes their priorities seem skewed. And while I think there are a lot of ways to parent, when someone has a witchy attitude towards other parenting styles I feel free to judge them on theirs, especially when they're belittling something I believe in.

I think that I'm kind of where you are. I don't judge most parenting choices in the way that I'm evaluating how their kid will turn out respective to mine, but in the way that it reflects on the parent- the way that I "judge" everything that people say or do in order to form a picture of the person. And with parenting as with everything, I acknowledge that I don't know the details of a person's life...but it'd be ridiculous to say that we don't form opinions of people based on all of what we do know.

But this is really nothing AP related.

happyhoopla · April 2012

My issue comes when parents use some predetermined model (AP, non-AP, whatever) for raising their kids without taking notice of their own child's cues and needs. I feel that being so staunchly APish even when it's not working can be just as damaging.

jb2rn · April 2012

Depends on the situation.

Do I judge someone who never attempts BF at all because it's "gross", well yes, I do. Those that don't BF because they can't, have medical issues, tried and had issues, etc..different story.

I judge those that sleep train a 2, 3, 4 month old because they think their baby should be sleeping 12 hours (because that is what the book/my pedi/my MIL say)

stuff like that. mainly, those that make choices that are uneducated.

lanie30 · April 2012

dottymobo:

lanie30:
dottymobo:

Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.

As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.

Oh I have a feeling your smug nonsense will carry you right through jr's college years.

um, burn?

Look, I don't disagree that certain choices loom less large as your kid ages, and that that's fine. I don't think that many people will find it to be news that everything seems like a bigger deal when you're new to it and actually experiencing it- or that message boards make any opinion anyone expresses sound like something that they care deeply about. I don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) will obsess over other's Bjorn use or FF when their kid is in second grade, but I really don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) does now, like you seem to. I do think that the choices I make reflect my attitude toward my child, and that that will matter as my kids get older- but that may just be my lack of perspective speaking, as my oldest is only 2.5.

I just find it interesting that you feel that you've reached the magical spot where you can speak with authority on parenting, but other people who act like they know anything are judge-worthy and will someday know better (or should). I'm sure that with a single four year old you know all there is to know about what's important. Really. So, thanks for your "perspective".

You missed my point entirely but that's not surprising. I have reached that magical place in parenting when I realize its a crapshoot, that I'm entirely the opposite of expert, and that those parenting books that I read with such excitement during those first years were all just nonsense.

I think you get comfortable when you see a bunch of adjusted, healthy, happy children, whose parents all practiced different methods of parenting through their baby years andyou know that no matter how long you breastfeed or baby wear, you still have a shot at getting one of those weird cutty emo kids despite your best efforts.

I am very comfortable right now knowing that I can do my best, and she'll do fine. Or not. But no child will get up and thank their mother for baby wearing in their valedictory address. That's what I'm saying. So do, don't. AP, not AP. It all gets less significant as you watch amazing kids develop regardless of their parents sling choices.

karinothing · April 2012

I think it is kind of silly to assume that any parent on this planet hasn't judged another parent at some point.

dottymobo · April 2012

lanie30:
dottymobo:

lanie30:
dottymobo:
Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.
As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.
Oh I have a feeling your smug nonsense will carry you right through jr's college years.

um, burn?
Look, I don't disagree that certain choices loom less large as your kid ages, and that that's fine. I don't think that many people will find it to be news that everything seems like a bigger deal when you're new to it and actually experiencing it- or that message boards make any opinion anyone expresses sound like something that they care deeply about. I don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) will obsess over other's Bjorn use or FF when their kid is in second grade, but I really don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) does now, like you seem to. I do think that the choices I make reflect my attitude toward my child, and that that will matter as my kids get older- but that may just be my lack of perspective speaking, as my oldest is only 2.5.
I just find it interesting that you feel that you've reached the magical spot where you can speak with authority on parenting, but other people who act like they know anything are judge-worthy and will someday know better (or should). I'm sure that with a single four year old you know all there is to know about what's important. Really. So, thanks for your "perspective".
You missed my point entirely but that's not surprising. I have reached that magical place in parenting when I realize its a crapshoot, that I'm entirely the opposite of expert, and that those parenting books that I read with such excitement during those first years were all just nonsense.
I think you get comfortable when you see a bunch of adjusted, healthy, happy children, whose parents all practiced different methods of parenting through their baby years andyou know that no matter how long you breastfeed or baby wear, you still have a shot at getting one of those weird cutty emo kids despite your best efforts.
I am very comfortable right now knowing that I can do my best, and she'll do fine. Or not. But no child will get up and thank their mother for baby wearing in their valedictory address. That's what I'm saying. So do, don't. AP, not AP. It all gets less significant as you watch amazing kids develop regardless of their parents sling choices.

You keep arguing points that I've agreed to, so I'm thinking that its you who is missing my point.

You are sharing with us the "wisdom" that you feel that you have acquired that you think will help us, and that we must not have (parents of those under one having any advice or opinions? Horrors!). You are sure that if only we knew what you know, we'd agree. It's incredibly condescending, although also fairly amusing.

But moving on from your lovely attitude, again, I agree that the details of parenting an infant will fade in importance, and that we are not shaping it children from nothing. I think, though, that the small, eventually insignificant choices we make reflect who we are as parents and people, and that means something to our children and everything to us. I hope that you aren't arguing that literally nothing we do has any impact on our kids, but if you do I admit to missing your point.

But with regards to even the small things, where does your point get us, really? Should we not consider our parenting choices because they don't matter at all? Should we not consider our sling (or stroller or diaper) choices because they won't make or break our children? How then would we pick gear or work through how we get our kids to sleep? These things need to happen however we go about them. You seem to think that because things are discussed that everyone on this board obsesses and thinks that they are crucial to being a good parent, and that you need to save us from that. I just think that they are equal to the little things discussed on any board, or among friends. Some parenting, some opinions on convenience or worth of baby gear, some random crap.

lanie30 · April 2012

dottymobo:

lanie30:
dottymobo:

lanie30:
dottymobo:

Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.

As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.

Oh I have a feeling your smug nonsense will carry you right through jr's college years.

um, burn?

Look, I don't disagree that certain choices loom less large as your kid ages, and that that's fine. I don't think that many people will find it to be news that everything seems like a bigger deal when you're new to it and actually experiencing it- or that message boards make any opinion anyone expresses sound like something that they care deeply about. I don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) will obsess over other's Bjorn use or FF when their kid is in second grade, but I really don't think that anyone (but a few crazies) does now, like you seem to. I do think that the choices I make reflect my attitude toward my child, and that that will matter as my kids get older- but that may just be my lack of perspective speaking, as my oldest is only 2.5.

I just find it interesting that you feel that you've reached the magical spot where you can speak with authority on parenting, but other people who act like they know anything are judge-worthy and will someday know better (or should). I'm sure that with a single four year old you know all there is to know about what's important. Really. So, thanks for your "perspective".

You missed my point entirely but that's not surprising. I have reached that magical place in parenting when I realize its a crapshoot, that I'm entirely the opposite of expert, and that those parenting books that I read with such excitement during those first years were all just nonsense.

I think you get comfortable when you see a bunch of adjusted, healthy, happy children, whose parents all practiced different methods of parenting through their baby years andyou know that no matter how long you breastfeed or baby wear, you still have a shot at getting one of those weird cutty emo kids despite your best efforts.

I am very comfortable right now knowing that I can do my best, and she'll do fine. Or not. But no child will get up and thank their mother for baby wearing in their valedictory address. That's what I'm saying. So do, don't. AP, not AP. It all gets less significant as you watch amazing kids develop regardless of their parents sling choices.

You keep arguing points that I've agreed to, so I'm thinking that its you who is missing my point.

You are sharing with us the "wisdom" that you feel that you have acquired that you think will help us, and that we must not have (parents of those under one having any advice or opinions? Horrors!). You are sure that if only we knew what you know, we'd agree. It's incredibly condescending, although also fairly amusing.

But moving on from your lovely attitude, again, I agree that the details of parenting an infant will fade in importance, and that we are not shaping it children from nothing. I think, though, that the small, eventually insignificant choices we make reflect who we are as parents and people, and that means something to our children and everything to us. I hope that you aren't arguing that literally nothing we do has any impact on our kids, but if you do I admit to missing your point.

But with regards to even the small things, where does your point get us, really? Should we not consider our parenting choices because they don't matter at all? Should we not consider our sling (or stroller or diaper) choices because they won't make or break our children? How then would we pick gear or work through how we get our kids to sleep? These things need to happen however we go about them. You seem to think that because things are discussed that everyone on this board obsesses and thinks that they are crucial to being a good parent, and that you need to save us from that. I just think that they are equal to the little things discussed on any board, or among friends. Some parenting, some opinions on convenience or worth of baby gear, some random crap.

Sigh. I imagine you are new or something and haven't seen the nonsense of the bump for the past 4 years. That's the only way I can imagine you spinning round and round the point here.

WElcome friend.

flyingsaucer · April 2012

bluesapph:
I judge the people who ask about why my baby isn't breastfed. Yes, there is a "special reason", well several actually. Trust me, I judged myself harshly enough for the entire world! I nearly judged myself to death over breastfeeding vs formula. It is painful to have to explain it to other people all the time so they can decide if I tried hard enough to breastfeed. You might think you are "nicely or casually asking questions about it" but I know you're judging and it hurts.

Love, love, love

laurakaz13 · April 2012

I actually judge parents who put their own selfish needs ahead of teaching their child to sleep. I do think parents cause sleep problems/deprivation in children. Probaby an unpopular opinion here, but I don't care.

A well-rested, happy child is much better than one who is 3 and has never slept through the night.

I also think everyone should MYOB over how others feed their children. I breastfed for quite a while and then dried up and formula fed. I never received any judgement. But my SIL had breast cancer and couldn't breastfeed at all due to surgery. She was judged and I wanted to punch some stupid women in the face b/c of it.

terpsfan · April 2012

lanie30:
I think having a 4 year old is the great equalizer. As babies you can feel very pompous about your "correct' choices. And by 4 you realize its all a crap shoot. There's no more slings, no more bottles, hopefully no more breastfeeding, no public identifiers of the "right" kind of parent. You're just at the park, hoping your kid doesn't break her leg falling off a slide and looking at other parents who are also hoping for no limb breaking. It's all very nice in this non judgy place.

But I do judge people with babies under 1 who toss out advice like experts.

Here here! (and I hope I'm not some crazy stalker lurker but our kids are around the same age --Dec 07 and your daughter gets cuter and cuter in her pix...reminds me of my own, looks like such a firecracker!) Anyway, it's also very very humbling when #2 comes around and you do the exact same thing that worked with #1 and it backfires...

kcisthebombdotcom · April 2012

lanie30:

fredalina:
Eh, I gotta call BS on the idea that once you have a 4 year old you stop judging or being judged. I know for a fact my one sister judges the other because 2 of her kids (12 and 11) are chubby and don't exercise enough and eat too much junk food (sister doing the judging told me so), and my other sister judges her back because her 11 and 13 year olds wear string bikinis and act like little strippers and have worn makeup daily for years. (And I agree but mainly I judge because the 11 year old is the clear and obvious favorite because she's better at sports.) People don't judge over the same things ("OMG she let her 14 year old go on a date in a car with a boy! And can you believe she never even tried to breastfeed???"), but they judge.

I'm sure they judge. I'm not saying we're completely immune. But sisters judging sisters is entirely different than people being smug about crotch dangling. I mean, that's a WEIRD ass sort of judger.

I will always judge those weird parents who let the boyfriend sleep over at 15 or so. That's f'd up.

BUT, I'm saying that if my child is walking through the supermarket i feel confident people aren't side eyeing me as a parent. I also feel like once our kids hit kindergarten, they'll all eat paste, wear one anothers shoes, etc... and who cares? I think my point is that at 4, you realize what a colossal asshat you were that first year for obsessing over NONSENSE. That no matter what your choices, your kids are happy and thriving and you're less concerned overall about the stupid things that we obsess about those first few months.

Things are so easy now. I enjoy parenting so much more. I laugh with so many different people. We rarely compare children. No one is asking about what you're doing with your breasts, we've gotten past the vaccine nonsense and people are just hanging out, breathing and having a good time realizing how neurotic they once were.

It's a happy place. I like 4. 4 is good. I don't want 14.

I felt this way as a parent from the very beginning. I'm glad it didnt take me 4 years to get to that place.

Oh, and you think you're an expert now since you have a 4 year old. Wait until you have 2 kids!

kcisthebombdotcom · April 2012

I judge (like everyone else) but not non-ap. Occasionally I'll judge someone who is ferberizing their kid at a young age, but I don't necessarily do it. It really depends on the circumstances.

Lately I've judged people who scream and belittle their kids as well as people who watch their kids misbehave and do nothing about it.

anna7602 · April 2012

KC_13:

Oh, and you think you're an expert now since you have a 4 year old. Wait until you have 2 kids!

Groan.

EmilyStL · April 2012

i judge people who don't give breastfeeding a shot because they think it's "weird." I judge people who sleep train before 6 months. I won't lie, I used to judge people who sleep trained at all, but I really don't anymore, I completely understand that, for some babies, it is truly what's needed. I do think I judge people who go straight to that without researching other options, though. With the carseat thing, I do judge people who are well aware that the AAP now states rear-facing til 2, but they turn the carseat ff anyway. This one mom on a FB group I belong to turned her child FF before age 2 and basically said that she thinks that pediatricians and carseat companies are somehow in cahoots and benefitting financially by making this nonsense recommendation. Yes, I judged her.

Temp108743750006959 · April 2012

I judge parents who consistently let their toddlers and young kids treat them (and other adults and kids) like crap and make 40 million excuses. Spirited, stubborn, the 'other kids fault', changes in their life, sugar, phases of the moon, lack of sleep, etc. Grow a set and parent. It doesn't make you less loving or respectful of your children to discipline and guide intelligently and demonstrate some follow through. I am sorry your kid is not always your best buddy. Those parents make me TIRED.

x0stephanie · April 2012

Only on certain parenting choices, I am the worrst though about circ. I don't know how to get over it but it really bothers me. I also have a hard time with people who identify as AP and circ. whyyyy? they are so incompatible!!

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