long vent... friend doesn't want to be a friend anymore

AndBabyWouldMake5 · April 2012

Had a bad phone call this morning and I knew only you ladies would understanding...

I had a friend/colleague who I spent a bit of time with outside of work at different social events and over for dinner every now and then. Her husband played in a band so we'd go see them play, etc. As I was beginning to go through fertility treatment her and her husband started trying. When she first started she would call me constantly to ask questions about ovulation, when to test, etc. They got pregnant the 2nd try, about the same time my husband and I moved on to medicated cycles. From the get go she sent ultrasounds, audio files of the heart beat, etc. I was admittedly in a bad place, but would shoot her a text saying "baby looks great" or something to that sort. I could do texts, but all gooey mushy talk about babies in person was not within my emotional capacity at that point, plus she had lots of other pregnant friends and co-workers to have those convos with. Because I couldn't talk with her or the others about it and was running to doctor appts etc my lunch break with them go cut to 3 or less days a week... much more bearable for me. We kind of drifted apart as she stopped going to happy hours and parties and I continued. Even though it killed me I planned her shower at work. Because I couldn't discuss things with her I made a point of creating a very thoughtful shower gift of a clothes line of different things for the 1st year. It was a combo of holiday things, handmade blankets, etc.

She called me today to let me know that she wants not further contact with me, wants me to stop inviting her to parties and that I better not invite her to my shower because she no longer wants to be friends with me. She said that I wasn't happy enough for her during her pregnancy and that I should have "sucked up all of your not getting pregnant drama" and showed her that I cared. She even referred to the text that my husband sent hers when he said that it was very hard for us to hang out with them sometimes because we didn't feel emotionally strong enough to do constant baby talk, but that when we felt strong we'd have them over for dinner or something. She mentioned I looked uncomfortable at her shower... darn right I was, my ovaries were the size of apples and my butt was sore from shots and I couldn't look at one more onesie so I sipped my wine plastered a smile on my face.

Now that I am pregnant and we all have our happy endings I was making a point of inviting her to things and asking her about her daughter, apparently as she said I "shouldn't have bothered".

This all upsets me and while I know she doesn't want to be my friend and I'm willing to cut my losses, I have to see her and deal with her on a daily basis, our classrooms are 2 doors apart. How do I do that? Do I still smile and say hello because we are adults? Can I not eat lunch with the group anymore? I don't want others to think I'm being rude to her... I don't want to look like the bad guy, I didn't ask for this.

justlld · April 2012

Wow, I can't imagine someone being so cruel. I don't think she's worth any of your time. Being coworkers does make it more difficult, so I would say maybe just ignore her in group stuff. It seems unfair for you to isolate yourself from the group because of her, especially when she's being so unreasonable. I just wouldn't make any extra effort for her. If she chooses to avoid you, then that's her being even more immature.

kelnyc · April 2012

Whatever! She's such a B! I would just act as pleasant as ever like nothing happened, but just not invite her to things anymore as she requested (and resond to her email simply saying that it's unfortunate that she feels this way but you'll respect her wishes). She's being really immature and not at all compassionate (as many fertiles can be when they don't understand why we can't fawn all over their growing bellies) so I say good riddance! If you act normally (i.e. don't ignore her), then she would have to be the one being weird to make things awkward, and you are certainly better than that.

drubie · April 2012

Oh wow. Not only does her pregnancy behavior sound incredibly selfish and insensitive, but this is so over the top. I don't think she sounds like true friend material, but I know what you mean about working with her and group things. I would still acknowledge her presence, but not much more than that. You could always send her this resolve post on infertility etiquette, and say "I'm sorry that you can't understand how difficult that time was for me and my husband. Maybe this will help." https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

kimikins79 · April 2012

She isn't and wasn't an actual friend. No friend would behave that way, not even attempting to understand your feelings.

Continue about your business, don't go out of your way to talk to her, but don't let her decision not to be friend ostracize you. If she wants to be that way, let her go back to high school. You're the adult.

Best of luck, hope it works out.

AndBabyWouldMake5 · April 2012

drubie:
Oh wow. Not only does her pregnancy behavior sound incredibly selfish and insensitive, but this is so over the top. I don't think she sounds like true friend material, but I know what you mean about working with her and group things. I would still acknowledge her presence, but not much more than that. You could always send her this resolve post on infertility etiquette, and say "I'm sorry that you can't understand how difficult that time was for me and my husband. Maybe this will help." https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Oh man, I know a few people who should read that, although 99% of people came around after a while.

AndBabyWouldMake5 · April 2012

You ladies are the best!

It is unfortunate that it takes people who have dealt with IF to understand it. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I know that personally now that I am out on the other side it has made me a better pregnant person and person in general.

Knew I could count on you ladies to understand!

Ruthie04 · April 2012

drubie:
Oh wow. Not only does her pregnancy behavior sound incredibly selfish and insensitive, but this is so over the top. I don't think she sounds like true friend material, but I know what you mean about working with her and group things. I would still acknowledge her presence, but not much more than that. You could always send her this resolve post on infertility etiquette, and say "I'm sorry that you can't understand how difficult that time was for me and my husband. Maybe this will help." https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

When I was reading this, I thought the same thing! That Resolve article is great. I'll admit, I didn't really have any friend drama during my treatment. Most of my friends are social workers (like me) and are very in tune with IF. However, I still think your friend sounds absolutely awful! You shouldn't have to change your behaviors or workplace relationships because of her. I would acknowledge her wishes, but also inform her that you are disappointed in her insensitivity to your medical and emotional trauma. This kind of stuff makes my blood boil. I'm so sorry you had to go thought this.

lhcooper · April 2012

I don't have any additional advice to add to the good thoughts above, but I just want to say that I am horrified by this story. What a horribly insensitive person this woman is. She obviously hasn't even bothered to think how she might have felt if your situations had been reversed. I am so sorry that you have to have anything further to do with her at all.

cutebride73 · April 2012

I agree with the other ladies - she doesn't sound like she was much of a friend at all! If she can't see beyond her own wants and needs to understand what someone else is experiencing then forget her. I know it will be strange at work - I work at a school too so I understand that dynamic. I would still eat lunch with your group of friends, she can't bully you from the lunch table. If she has an issue then she can eat somewhere else.

It's just really unfortunate that she is behaving this way and that you have to deal with it.

TJ1979 · April 2012

What a B! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. I agree with PPs, stop inviting her to things as per her request (I wouldn't want her there anymore anyway with that attitude!) but don't let her affect you any more than that. If you let her pathetic attitude ostrasize you, then you will just end up miserable at work. I had a similar situation at work (not IF related) but I chose to ostrasize myself and I have hated my job since then. It's not worth it. Don't let her make you look like the bad guy, you did nothing wrong. GL dealing with this.

krismott25 · April 2012

wow! you're a better person then i am. if someone ever called my IF struggles "not having a baby drama" my hand would meet their face. i'm so sorry you have to deal with this. i would be professional but certainly wouldn't do anything else. just wow!

kzawisl · April 2012

krismott25:
wow! you're a better person then i am. if someone ever called my IF struggles "not having a baby drama" my hand would meet their face. i'm so sorry you have to deal with this. i would be professional but certainly wouldn't do anything else. just wow!

This. Ooooooh this makes my blood boil, how someone could be so insensitive!! I am sorry you had to deal with this, but I am glad you are goign to have such a negative presence out of your life....look at it that way.

doggie mama · April 2012

I would have lost my sh!t on that person! I understand that people not going through it just don't "get it" but still. She sounds like an exceptionally self centered person. Which means you probably would have encountered some sort of issue with her eventually. If it wasn't IF, my guess is that it would have been something else. I'm sorry she is putting you through this, but I would not let it cause you to distance yourself from the other people. All you did was work to get through a tremendously difficult situation and you should not punish yourself for that!

Jackie2200 · April 2012

lhcooper:
I don't have any additional advice to add to the good thoughts above, but I just want to say that I am horrified by this story. What a horribly insensitive person this woman is. She obviously hasn't even bothered to think how she might have felt if your situations had been reversed. I am so sorry that you have to have anything further to do with her at all.

This! How selfish. Who needs enemies with friends like that? I wouldn't let her ostrasize you from the group. Just write back to her and say that you're sorry she feels that way and go about business as usual with the rest of your co-workers.

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