advice on how to speak to a friend/co-worker

agrobins1 · April 2012

Hello ladies

I don't get on here often, I don't have a home computer. I'm sorry that I can't give support like I would like to and that you all deserve. April 21st would have been when our Ava turned 5 mths old. I have a close friend/co-worker who I love dearly but she truly just doesn't think before she says things to me. We had a miscarriage in July 2010 then 7 months later found out we were expecting again. Ava was fullterm but stillborn on November 21st, no reasons why from doctors or autopsy.

Back on topic: She has two children, a 5 year old and a 3 year old. She is always complaining that she has 2 boys and wants a girl but that's beside the point. She complains constantly about how her boys are so fussy and that once you have kids, you loose your social life and can never do anything fun again. She says, you don't understand when they cry all night or spend the night throwing up or just run around the house begging for mommy's attention. The kicker is when she finishes her complaints with "are you sure you're ready for that?" Clearly we are, we have been trying to have babies!

I don't like to be confrontational at all so I've just kind of give a nervous laugh and walk away. Now, I'm just getting kind of sick of it. I don't want this to ruin our friendship but I have no idea how to approach her to stop whinning about her living children! Both of her boys were accidents and we tried so long just to have two not make it. How can I tastefully explain to her that I AM a mother and that I long to have sleepness nights or have my life "runined" and have to spend time with my children (isn't that why you have kids?). I guess she doesn't understand because she hasn't ever lost a child or had difficulty conceiving.

How should I approach her to shut her big mouth and be more sensitive? Sorry, I got a little long winded!

Petunia844 · April 2012

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, it's so awful how people just don't think about who they're talking to when they complain about their kids. I can't stand when my friends complain about anything to do with their kids, I'm just not the right one to talk to about it. Period.

If I were you I would probably write a letter or email, I tend to explain myself better that way and would know I'd be less likely to accidentally say something I didn't mean. Just explain that you understand as a mother she gets tired and that yes she has a right to complain if she's exhausted, but that quite frankly you are not the right person for her to vent to. Explain that you want nothing more than to have a baby to keep you up at night, than to hear your sweet Ava crying and because of that it's really hard for you to sympathize with her. That's what I would do, and honestly if she doesn't understand when you explain it that way, I wouldn't be too upset about losing her as a friend. I'm sorry your in this situation. Big hugs.

eroplane · April 2012

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. As if we haven't been through enough already - people are incredibly insensitive.

I agree with Petunia - something written out will give you an opportunity to choose your words and line up your thoughts. I tend to be more verbal and I usually don't come across the way I wish I did. If she is a good friend she will understand where you are coming from. People just don't realize what it is like unless they go through it personally. Hopefully she will understand but if not it doesn't sound like she is worth keeping as a friend anyways. Hope everything works out. Hugs.

agrobins1 · April 2012

Thanks ladies. I hadn't thought about writing something out, I tend to write better than verbalize what I want to say! I hope everyone is having a great day.

Side note and not related to my topic, our daughter's headstone was installed last week. The cemetary super. called and told me he personally saw to getting it down before Easter for us. It is beautiful!

Petunia844 · April 2012

agrobs1:

Side note and not related to my topic, our daughter's headstone was installed last week. The cemetary super. called and told me he personally saw to getting it down before Easter for us. It is beautiful!

I'm so glad it is beautiful.

blessedhope · April 2012

Petunia844:

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, it's so awful how people just don't think about who they're talking to when they complain about their kids. I can't stand when my friends complain about anything to do with their kids, I'm just not the right one to talk to about it. Period.

If I were you I would probably write a letter or email, I tend to explain myself better that way and would know I'd be less likely to accidentally say something I didn't mean. Just explain that you understand as a mother she gets tired and that yes she has a right to complain if she's exhausted, but that quite frankly you are not the right person for her to vent to. Explain that you want nothing more than to have a baby to keep you up at night, than to hear your sweet Ava crying and because of that it's really hard for you to sympathize with her. That's what I would do, and honestly if she doesn't understand when you explain it that way, I wouldn't be too upset about losing her as a friend. I'm sorry your in this situation. Big hugs.

this. (hugs)

littlepenguin2012 · April 2012

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I would agree with PP about writing it down. Unfortunately sometimes our address books change after a loss when people don't get it or choose not to. ((hugs)).

weddedwife · April 2012

I agree with Petunia.

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