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Attachment Parenting
Clicky - do you judge non-AP parents?
I was talking with a couple members of my mom's group about sleep and I mentioned that DD1 was a great sleeper. They asked my secrets and I mentioned that we ferberized her around 7 months. One of them made a comment that it was probably because we FF and the other one put up a blog post that night that was critical of "selfish parents who put their own needs above those of their children".
I have to be honest, I was a little hurt. I'm going to sit around wondering if they are judging me all the time on every other parenting issues.
They don't know that we coslept for 7 months and only sleep trained because DD1 literally would.not.sleep if we were in the room, let alone right next to her. She was irritable and fussy during the day, taking long naps and not eating. She even ended up losing weight. She was such a happier and healthier baby when we sleep trained and I don't regret it for a minute. And we only FF because I had a lot of issues nursing and ended up EPing for 3 months until my supply tanked.
So, what say you?
[Poll]
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Re: Clicky - do you judge non-AP parents?
I really try not to judge but I do sometimes.
With the two things that you mentioned I might have had a minor judgy thought and then innocently asked why. After hearing your reasoning I'd feel bad for judging. Mothers really are pretty harsh on each other.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
I said "on certain choices", because there are times when I hear a "less-AP" (that really sounds ridiculous, but I'm not sure how else to convey what I mean - maybe "less intentionally, consciously AP"? whatever) mom say/do something and I do say, in my head, "really, did she just say that? what is she trying to teach that child? does she realize what she is teaching that child?"
But the fact is, even with good friends, I do NOT know that child as well as I know my own. I do not know what she really IS trying to teach her daughter. And I do not know how the two of them really need to work together best. No matter how much I can't possibly fathom the choice, I can't ever be certain that it's the wrong choice for them. So, call that a "sort of" judge.
I won't deny that I have judged people in my past but I honestly have gotten tons better since I became a parent and unless I see a really angry or mean parent I don't judge, the last time I secretly 'judged' a woman she gave her pretty young baby a lollypop... so that was more like 'woah' than "omg she isn't ap enough"
I wouldn't have many friends if I was that judgemental I have friends that parent very different than me but they love their kids and my kid has had her moments in front of them that didn't make me look like parent of the year!
That being said I had a tough time with parenting in the beginning and wasn't ap... I didn't want to share my bed... I wanted my daughter to sttn early and tried lots of things, I did try crying it out and it didn't work for me so that is why I chose the path I did, because it was the best path for our family.
And if those people are being so judgmental than I wouldn't be their friend either.
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
I said certain things... I am critical of people who don't at least TRY to breastfeed unless they have REAL reasons (adoption, health issues, etc.), I am critical of people who try to sleep train too early (I know somone who started at 6 weeks). But I wouldn't say anything to the person... This is all in my head critical. But I think that's what you're asking, too.
I also wanted to BF but ended up doing a combo of pumping, FF, and I even went on several meds to get a better supply. I gave up at 4 months because it was just too hard. So I don't judge because I don't know the back story!
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PgAL and PAL always welcome...There are some things I judge, though it is not necessarily because it is "non-AP." I know I shouldn't, because you never really know what is going on.
I am with you though on sleep. We Ferbered around 6 months because DD stopped sleeping in bed with us. She was up to nurse every 45 minutes. We were both miserable and cranky. I don't think that is non AP actually, considering I was focusing on her needs-her need to sleep! Also on her need for a mother who could keep her eyes open-let alone play!
Now we bedshare sometimes again when she needs/wants to. I think we both enjoy the flexibility.
I said SS.
I try to save my judgement for parenting choices that I find to be particularly poor, whether or not they are "AP". There was one mom on a facebook group I frequent who turned her daugher FF at 7 months because her doctor told her it was dangerous to RF because her daughter "might choke" (WTF!?!?). Everyone tried to point out that her doctor was wrong, but she continued to side with him.
I also have friends who are very strict about babywise, which drives me batty. I try not to judge them, but can't help it sometimes.
I think having a 4 year old is the great equalizer. As babies you can feel very pompous about your "correct' choices. And by 4 you realize its all a crap shoot. There's no more slings, no more bottles, hopefully no more breastfeeding, no public identifiers of the "right" kind of parent. You're just at the park, hoping your kid doesn't break her leg falling off a slide and looking at other parents who are also hoping for no limb breaking. It's all very nice in this non judgy place.
But I do judge people with babies under 1 who toss out advice like experts.
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Depends on the issue.
I am very judgmental on issues that have to do with the health of our kids for instance. I don't understand why some women do not even try to BF. I get that it is hard and that some mamas have medical issues, which is fine... but at least give it a try! I am extremely judgmental about car seat use. I do not understand why people turn their kids before 2 when the AAP says to keep them RF until at least 2 or when they hit the RF limits on their seats (but I will be honest and say I am even touchy about people who do not research seats that will allow your child to RF until 2 assuming they are not giant sized children). I am judgmental about people who start solids before 5-6 months, particularly amongst my friends that I consider very well educated. Neither the AAP nor the WHO recommend solids before 6 months and if you have a pediatrician recommending otherwise, you need to question him/her.
But for other things like CD, babywearing, co-sleeping, vaxing, etc. I am less judgmental. I understand that each family has to do what works best for them. I don't think it's great to sleep train before 12 months but that's probably bc I could never have done it myself.
Honestly, at this point I care a lot more about the end result- ie, the child- than how people got there. I judge parents who have mean, selfish, ill-behaved children and even then, it's not always. I will try to be compassionate if I see someone's child raising holy hell in a public place and it seems like the parents are frazzled/having a tough time and aren't just sitting there oblivious to the situation. The kids in DD's preschool who share nicely, etc. may or may not have been ferberized, locked in a dungeon to sleep every night, or may continue to bedshare now, but it doesn't really come up and it doesn't impact what I think of the child or parents.
I know quite a few people who are amazingly good with kids and never did any of the typical AP things- co-sleep, bf, etc.- yet I would happily leave my child in their care (teachers, sitters and friends). These things matter a lot less to me now than when I was hiring a nanny when DD was a newborn and maybe if I had a younger child in the house, they would again matter to me. But at this point, I've realized there are a billion ways to be a good parent.
I try not to judge, but I'm sure I do. Honestly, who doesn't?
But I know a lot of people think we're wacko too for the way we choose to parent. But: I know that the way we do things doesn't work for everyone and vice versa. As long as everyone in the family is happy, then that's the most important thing.
I just try to follow my instincts with parenting, and I hope that others do the same.
No, I don't judge....I know there is sooo many ways to be a good parent including being a good AP parent. I know AP is NOT about some checklist of things to do. It is about following your childs cues...I know that can be done in MANY ways.
I am one of "those" women most of you would judge because I didn't even try to BF my twins...My boys are proudly FF...and that does NOT make me less of an AP parent then any BFing mother. I EBF my DD for 18 months until I weaned at 13 weeks preggo with the twins due to my health going down hill. I made a very educated choice that was best for my family.
What I HATE(those are the people I do judge) the most is people who have to ask the reason behind why parents do what they do...like FF etc. Why should it matter? Are you the parenting police?
I think having a 4 year old is the great equalizer. As babies you can feel very pompous about your "correct' choices. And by 4 you realize its all a crap shoot. There's no more slings, no more bottles, hopefully no more breastfeeding, no public identifiers of the "right" kind of parent. You're just at the park, hoping your kid doesn't break her leg falling off a slide and looking at other parents who are also hoping for no limb breaking. It's all very nice in this non judgy place.
But I do judge people with babies under 1 who toss out advice like experts.
I love this. You are totally right.
I voted Special Snowflake.
I try not to judge, but I do it more often than I'd like to admit. But like others have said, I don't necessarily judge choices that are not AP but rather what I consider to be poor parenting choices in general. I especially hate when people have all the info they need to make a better choice (esp when it comes to health and safety issues, like carseats) and yet they rationalize their poor choice and completely ignore all the research/experts.
Honestly, though, I think I am too judgmental. That is one thing I want to change about myself. So when I start judging, I usually try to switch my thoughts to something else, or I will sing a song in my head to switch gears! LOL
Yeah, but you do have issues regarding things like discipline, booster seat vs harnessed carseat, whether you let your kid have "too many" sweets, whether you're sending your kid to the right school... Unfortunately, people who are looking to judge are always going to find *something* to give the side eye over.
Although I do agree that there are *fewer* things to judge once the kiddos get older.
Oh that is a huge pet peeve of mine and I totally, 100% judge baby wise people. Most other stuff, I chalk up to different kids, different methods but I cannot for the life of me understand how people can follow baby wise. I think it is horrible.
I do not have these issues. As I said, I think parents unclench at the 4 year mark. Booster, carseat, feeding Jr a dirty hot dog that fell on the floor, whatevs.
True this. It takes a lot for me to judge the parent of a 4-year-old, like say, yelling and hitting them in public. That I judge.
And, at the 4 year mark, I've also been humbled by seeing that the folks I used to judge when I had a younger child have kids who turned out wonderfully and bonded with them and all that jazz despite the things I judged them for back in the day.
I don't post a lot but thought I'd join in.
I try not to judge on most things. I know that once you are a parent, all that you "knew" prior to having a baby, can be thrown out the window. What works for other babies may simply not work for your baby. Breastfeeding may not work out. Some babies sleep better in their own crib. Etc.
However I will judge on a few things. Forward facing carseats before a year. I had a friend who did it at 10 months becase he was "close enough." Stupid. I also judge when I see a little one (under a year) in a cart at the grocery store crying & reaching for his mom to hold him & she just stares off into space. She wasn't even walking. She was just standing in line. Give your kid a little attention!
I judge Blossom for still pumping when she's away from her 3-year-old.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Agreed. And as long as the child is safe, as long as they aren't walking around wielding knives or sitting in no car seat at all, then how does what another famiies choices affect me? Oh wait, it doesn't. BF, FF, cloth diaper, disposable, crib, cosleep, who cares? You do what is best for your child, I will do what is best for mine. Unclench.
I really wanted to have some kind of ceremonial pump-burning when I was done pumping (well before I was done nursing). Then I remembered it's a $300 piece of equipment I might need to use again if I have another child. But it would have felt SO good to torch that thing! I can't imagine having pumped for any longer than I did.
LOL! Maybe she was taking a nap in line. I have done this. It is not for lack of love, it is for lack of sleep. But, judge away!
And I judge people who call her that instead of being bothered to learn her real name.
Oh dear lord. She's blossom and will always be blossom. I remember her far more fondly as the endearing blossom character and not the nitwit martyr she is today.
Ahhh blossom. I loved her hats.
Oh, my bad. I forgot that she reads this board, and gets sooooo mad when we call her Blossom. Celebrities - they're just like us!!11!!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
That's great that you don't have any issues with judging/being judged now that you have a 4 y.o. Although DS is not yet 4, I can honestly say that I see parents of his older friends judging each other. Heck, looking back on it, I can remember when I was a teenager, my mom judging my friends' parents' choices regarding things like curfews (or a lack of), the age at which the daughters were allowed to date, and other stuff. Or I'll hear other adults make comments about adult children who were allowed to boomerang back home after college and are being "coddled" now... Like I said, I think some people will judge no matter how old the kid is. And then there are other people who won't judge or will stop judging once their children reach the magical age of 4. Depends on the individual, I guess.
But, yes, I see your point. Once our kids get a little older, we have perspective and see first hand that the choices we made early on that we *knew* were right possibly weren't the best choices after all, or we see that other parents made difference choices and that their kids still turned out just fine or even better(!) than ours did. Having that perspective, we're (hopefully) less likely to judge other people's parents choices.
I'm sure they judge. I'm not saying we're completely immune. But sisters judging sisters is entirely different than people being smug about crotch dangling. I mean, that's a WEIRD ass sort of judger.
I will always judge those weird parents who let the boyfriend sleep over at 15 or so. That's f'd up.
BUT, I'm saying that if my child is walking through the supermarket i feel confident people aren't side eyeing me as a parent. I also feel like once our kids hit kindergarten, they'll all eat paste, wear one anothers shoes, etc... and who cares? I think my point is that at 4, you realize what a colossal asshat you were that first year for obsessing over NONSENSE. That no matter what your choices, your kids are happy and thriving and you're less concerned overall about the stupid things that we obsess about those first few months.
Things are so easy now. I enjoy parenting so much more. I laugh with so many different people. We rarely compare children. No one is asking about what you're doing with your breasts, we've gotten past the vaccine nonsense and people are just hanging out, breathing and having a good time realizing how neurotic they once were.
It's a happy place. I like 4. 4 is good. I don't want 14.
Holy crap on a cracker people. YES, You always judge. I just think you unclench over the stupid judgment as your kid gets older. And AP? You show me an AP parent at age 4 with a child that you can easily say "well, clearly THOSE people breastfed until 3! Just look at that great behaviour!" please.
You know those asinine posts about judging bottle proppers, and crotch danglers and nonsensical *** like that?
Yeah that ends. YOu still judge. You always do. But you relax more. You realize that your parenting is less about you and your image and more about your child. YOu realize that you operate better as a team of parents then as one. You trust people more. You let go of your insufferable guilt.
And if you don't. You need to.
OMG I love this!
This is what I meant. I could care less about whether someone BFd or rear-faced the car seat until age 50. Re: Weird sharing girl I posted about last week, I do wonder what the heck is up with her parents and whether they're giving her enough attention at home.
I'm only human...and although I don't want to judge, I do - but really to the parents that want their children to be "independent" from day 1 and it really bothers me...but i generally don't say anything and keep my thoughts to myself.
In your case, they are outright judging you and that can be very uncomfortable =/
Man, I can't wait the year and a half until I get to that place where I have awesome perspective on other people's choices and how they don't matter so that I no longer come across as smug or judgy. That'll be cool.
As to the OP, I'm a little bemused by some choices and perspectives, but I save judgement for parents whose parenting is causing a clear-cut hazard to their kid or my kid. I'm thinking of you, parent at tot time ignoring your 4 or 5 year old while he tackled and hit my 2 yo and didn't stop until I dragged my kid away out of the bouncy house. I have an in between "eh, shouldn't judge" for could be anyone on bad day or could be back-story, but those are just kind of fleeting thoughts anyways.
I said that I judge some things, but really, I feel like I mostly judge other peoples' attitudes, not so much their parenting choices. Some people talk about their decisions in a way that makes their priorities seem skewed. And while I think there are a lot of ways to parent, when someone has a witchy attitude towards other parenting styles I feel free to judge them on theirs, especially when they're belittling something I believe in.
July 3rd, 2012 ~ Hang in there sweetheart, we can't wait to meet you!