Having a hard day (long vent, tough subject)

JustaKidAtHeart · April 2012

16 years ago my dad killed himself in our home. He most likely felt himself worth more dead than alive after suffering an accident at work. Today would have been his birthday.

This morning the boys wanted nana (my mom) to come over. When she didnt answer I told them that nana was sad because today is papa's birthday (tomorrow would have been their 31st wedding anniversary). My boys know papa is my dad. They see pictures of him. This is the first time though that they have asked me "is papa coming over for his birthday? Where does papa live?" I lost it.

I am a mess of ugly crying. I am having trouble putting Aiden down to nap, not because he is fighting it but because I dont want to let him go. I have never been one to do this. Heck I even went back to school the dad after my dad died. I had had more loss before my 18th birthday than most adults. Im not one to weep for the dead. I miss them and I have waves of grief. When it comes to my dad though I have usually been one to think "he chose to miss this" and move on.

Today I am a mess. There are very few days that have done this to me (my wedding, college graduation). I am mad that he chose to leave, not for me but for my kids.

I can count the number of times I have visited my dad's grave on one hand (my grandparents are next to him). The graves are are just not a place I like to go. For my it is just an empty shell of who they were, there is nothing their but a body and a name. BUT because my kids are asking I feel maybe I should show them. I know they wont really understand but I still feel the urge. They have been in a grave yard a few times before (just a few months ago for my grandpa). They dont understand death (they asked if my grandpa was playing in the race car (casket) and if they could too. Im not one to believe in heaven/hell so that isnt something I have told the boys about. DH is Catholic, I am more circle of life.

Now I see I am just going on and on so I will end it with.... Today is a rough day!

etoyama · April 2012

I am so sorry you're having a tough day. That sounds very difficult to deal with. Sending you a (((HUG)))

jenn2929 · April 2012

I'm so so sorry you are having such a hard day. I don't have much to input, but I'm sending BIG (((HUGS)) your way.

emiannie · April 2012

I have no advice. I just wanted to say I'm very sorry you're having a rough day and have this on your shoulders right now...and always. Big hugs to you mama.

Dragonfly1226 · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult today must be for you and your family. Take care of yourself today. (((((hugehugs)))))

Dochas · April 2012

I was 17 when my Dad killed himself and I went to work the next day. So I get where you are coming from. I miss him every day but it's only once in a while that I feel it really painfully. I almost never go to the grave. But the times I have I have just crumpled up into tears. So if you decide to bring them, maybe you should go alone first before and then bring them another day shortly after. I don't know their ages but if they really don't get death I personally would not bring them to the cemetery. Is it possible that you're really just feeling the urge to be there yourself?

JustaKidAtHeart · April 2012

Dochas:
I was 17 when my Dad killed himself and I went to work the next day. So I get where you are coming from. I miss him every day but it's only once in a while that I feel it really painfully. I almost never go to the grave. But the times I have I have just crumpled up into tears. So if you decide to bring them, maybe you should go alone first before and then bring them another day shortly after. I don't know their ages but if they really don't get death I personally would not bring them to the cemetery. Is it possible that you're really just feeling the urge to be there yourself?

No I really dont care to go. I just drove my aunt there 2 weeks ago when she was visiting. I stayed in the car. My boys are 3.5 and asked so... I know we really wont go it is just me talking.

patchen30 · April 2012

I'm very sorry you're having a tough day. ((Hugs))

CallMeAl · April 2012

I know you don't *know* me as I'm new around here, but I wanted to offer a hug. I'm sorry you are having such a rough day.

BeccaLandes · April 2012

it is completely understandable that you are upset. i think it might bring you peace to go to the gravesite, and even if your boys don't understand. maybe you could tell them you are "celebrating" papa's birthday and leave him a card, a flower, or a cupcake.

i have not had much loss in my life, but i imagine it is hard on days like this.

LVBlvd · April 2012

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

DeputiesWife · April 2012

::hugs::

I am so very sorry.

I lost my dad at 21 years old. I miss him everyday. I hate that he wasnt here for my college graduation, wedding, and the birth of my daughter and now this baby. He would have been an amazing grandfather as he was an amazing dad.

On his birthday, we bake him a cake. The same cake he had every year on his birthday and we sing. I share memories with DD as does DH (we are HS sweetheats and DH and my dad were very close).

It is ok to grieve. Everyone does so differently. When I am sad and upset, I turn to DD for comfort as well. Just knowing she is near is comforting to me.

My dad wasn't buried. He was cremated and we placed him somewhere special to the family. When we go home, we go and visit that place but havent been to that place in 2 years so DD doesnt really understand that just yet. We took her when she was 10 mos old and nearly 2. So she doesnt have a recollection. However she knows that Grandpa Eric is in Heaven (we arent religous either) which is up in the clouds. THis is ok for her. I think it is ok for you to to take your children to his grave, you will have to explain things I am sure.

A very close friend of ours passed away and DD came with me to the calling hours as I didnt have a sitter, i had to explain how Grandpa Jeff was in there because he was no longer with us and how his lungs stopped working (i try to stay away from the whole sick thing) but she asked, is he up in the clouds with Grandpa Eric and i just simply said yes.

::hugs:: and I am so very sorry you are having a tough day. I hope it gets easier. Talking about my dad and sharing memories has helped me through the years.

krissyh21 · April 2012

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry. I really have no advice, but I think taking them to the grave may help both you and them understand a little.

sept04brideinMD · April 2012

MH and I have lost some family members within the last few years - and though we grieved at the time - I grieve all over again at holidays and family events that they missed out on seeing our children grow. It makes me sad because I know that they would have LOVED being with them and they would have LOVED them.

(((Hugs)))

I think it's healthy for your children to ask questions - and for you to answer them honestly. You can determine how much and when you give them all the details.

Cajunladybug22 · April 2012

I'm so sorry you're going through this. . 15 years ago today, my Mom had a brain aneurysm rupture that left her mentally handicapped. While I'm glad she's still here with us, I miss her (how she used to be) so much. I always am a mess on this day and get really sad that DH and DD never knew her that way. And I miss the friendship we had.

Anyway...sending big hugs.

leslie&brian · April 2012

I'm so incredibly sorry that you are having a bad day. It is healthy to cry, and let it out though. It's also okay to be angry that he chose to do this, and because of that your kids won't know him. I'm sure holidays and his birthday are so hard.((hugs))

cbubbles2 · April 2012

Big, big hugs.

I can't imagine how difficult this has been to deal with. I'm so, so sorry!

Want a personalized experience?

Having a hard day (long vent, tough subject)

Re: Having a hard day (long vent, tough subject)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards