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Attachment Parenting
pg again (2u2), feeling very guilty
I'm just hoping anyone can tell me that what I'm feeling is at least somewhat normal.
We have a young son, and were very welcome to the idea of 2u2, wanting two close together in age. I have a 13 month age gap with my little brother, and my DH is a 6 year gap, and we felt 18-24 months would be great.
We just found out we'll have them with about a 16 month gap. It's not that we didn't want to get pg...but I guess I just didn't think it would happen quite so easily so I'm in shock. I BF pretty much around the clock, even overnight as our LO is in our bed, baby wear everywhere and all the time...I just am really surprised. So, beyond the surprise, we're very excited....but, I am feeling IMMENSE guilt too and I can't shake it. I have cried every day since finding out, just thinking that we are depriving our little boy of time alone with us, and of growing up the way I envisioned he would. I didn't think about the logistics of BFing and bedsharing and all that.
I'm planning to go to a LLL meeting (I have fortunately been a few times before, so know them and feel they'll help me a lot) on Tuesday where I can hopefully get some support about the potential to tandem nurse. Just looking for some support, some understanding from anyone... I know part of it is that he's such a little baby, so I feel guilt that my attention will be divided, but I wonder if I would feel this (at least a little bit) no matter what his age is?...My DH is very supportive and excited. I know we'll get through this. Just struggling right now...
I'm also pretty guilt-ridden about having to supplement. Not even a month ago, I had a conversation with my DH where I told him I was proud he had had over 7 months of just breast milk (and I still don't have any impact on my supply, so far as I can tell) and that if we had to feed formula, I would NOT feel guilt about that...but now that it's looking like there's a good chance of that, I'm feeling guilt about it anyway.
I feel like an idiot...like I didn't think this through. We wanted kids close together in age...we were welcome to the idea of pregnancy...but I still feel totally shocked. Ugh.
I keep thinking - how am I going to night nurse this baby and my LO? I can't imagine not bedsharing with both of them...is that logistically impossible? And then I have all this anxiety about having to leave LO overnight to give birth...just anxiety all around.
Lest this long post get longer...I am a regular around here, but created an alias b/c I know a lot of people IRL on the bump and don't want to be out of the pregnancy closet yet. I appreciate any thoughts, support, etc...thank you in advance.
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Re: pg again (2u2), feeling very guilty
((hugs))
I'm not there yet, but I think a lot of moms worry when they get pregnant again. There are so many positives to having a sibling, though. I can't imagine being an only child and I don't want that for my kid. Your second child will have zero time to be the entire focus of your life - and yet they'll be fine, just like your older child will adjust and be fine. "Adventures in Tandem Breastfeeding" is a good resource. By the time your new baby arrives, your current baby will be a lot bigger. He'll be able to wait to nurse, whether he likes it or not. You'll be able to set limits you can live with for night nursing. Daddy can take over more night time parenting of the older baby. If you want all of you to cosleep, get a king bed and possibly an Arm's Reach as well. That might mean taking out other furniture from your bedroom. Move the toddler to between you and dad or over on dad's side, new baby stays between mom and the wall/rail/cosleeper.
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My youngest will be just shy of 3 when the baby comes and I still am feeling a lot of the same things you are.
I think it is normal, especially as AP parents, to feel guilty about anything taking time and attention away from our babies.
I am still nursing #2, albeit only at bedtime/naptime and have had no problems doing so. We also plan to bed share with both the newbie and the toddler. My oldest is 3.5 years older than the toddler and we bed shared with no problems at all. We just made sure there was always an adult body between baby and toddler. The baby didn't even wake up the other one.
Personally, with all three of my pregnancies, I go through the whole 'Oh Crap! What have I done? I really didn't think this through!' It passes soon enough and I start to get excited and focus on the gift I am giving my children with siblings.
Keep in mind that it is also totally normal to not bond with the second pregnancy the way you did with your first. Not sure why, but it happened to me and I read it over and over on the boards. It doesn't mean you are less excited or want this baby any less. You will bond, you will get excited, just give it some time.
My second is an absolute treasure. I adore him every bit as I do my first and it warms my heart to see them together; laughing, playing and making memories. Just like my first, he is one of the very best things I have ever done.
Try to breathe, and relax and enjoy your pregnancy! Congrats and H&H 9 months to you!
Thank you so much for the responses. I am feeling a little better. Like I said, I think I just need to hear it's normal to feel a little like this. And I do believe I'd feel this way even if my oldest was older.
I got tears in my eyes reading about not connecting with the second pregnancy... I think that's a big part of my guilt too. I feel such guilt for my son, and I feel like it'll be impossible to love another baby as much as him, and that leads to me feeling even more guilt.
Thanks again for the support. It really helps.
And thanks for the congratulations too
What you're feeling is totally normal. I also planned my 2u2 and felt guilt over it. I found that I didn't bond with my 2nd as much as I did with my first pregnancy. Everything changed the second they laid my DD in my arms. I cannot imagine my life without her and I am so glad I have them as close as I did. They are best buddies. DD's face lights up the minute she sees her big bro in the morning, and DS loves to take care of her. It's made him a very nurturing, patient, caring child.
I can't speak of tandem nursing because I was unable to BF one baby, nevermind 2. I was able to continue bedsharing by putting my older child between myself and DH and the baby between myself/a bedrail. It worked out well. By the time the baby came, DS was running around and was very over babywearing so he didnt mind the baby got worn all the time.
The only person that's going to mourn the "alone time" is you. Your LO will not know life any differently and there will be no suffering for your LO. The great thing about kids is they adapt quickly. In the beginning the baby will sleep a ton so you'll still get lots of time for your older child.
Congrats!
My children are 29 months apart and we planned #2, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was horrified at how I felt... guilty and sad- for both kids. For my oldest (daughter), she would lose time with us and would she still feel special once her brother was born? I felt bad for my son and guilty because I didn't "connect" to him the way I did during my first pregnancy and I felt bad because he wouldn't have the time with me and his father that his sister did.
Once I found out #2 was a boy it got easier... but honestly once he was born, there was no difference in love. DS is 2.5 weeks old now and I love seeing the kids together.
Give yourself a little bit of a break... your clearly a fantastic mother and love your child... soon you will be a mother of two and your feelings will pass
It is definitely a normal feeling. We felt the same way and were debating only having one child because of it. When we got pregnant this time around DH was especially feeling like we were doing a disservice to our son. DS will be almost three when our little one is born. We do still bed share and nurse and plan on continuing once the new baby arrives (unless DS weans on his own). We are going to get a bed rail for one side and have the baby sleep on that side, and then DS will sleep between DH and myself. We will likely be buying a bigger bed as well to accommodate us all. Things will be tight with all 4 of us in our queen bed. I am curious how tandem nursing will go.
We are thinking about finding a way to have DS for the birth, I have heard that some hospitals allow it. I am heavily leaning towards a birth center though. Not quite sure I am happy with my new OB, and we are planning on moving out of state, so I have to look at my options once the move is over.
This sums it up perfectly for me too. DS will be a bit over 4 when this baby comes..so we had years of planning for the pregnancy. I was so excited to get pregnant again and when it happened I was shocked at how I felt. I feel guilty that DS won't be the only one anymore and then I feel guilty that I am not soaking up every moment of this pregnancy like I did with DS. Although...I also realize that this is going to be wonderful in so many ways too.
I know it is easy said than done sometimes..but think of the positives. If it helps at all I think your feelings are very normal!
DD born 6.13.11 at 37w5d
DS born 5.23.12 at 36w5d
BFP 6.9.13|heartbeat of 128bpm 7weeks|7.23.13 ultrasound revealed no heartbeat|natural m/c and d&c 7.25.13
DS born 5.20.14 at 38 weeks
All are welcome
I've had moments of guilt myself, and my kids will be 29 months apart. Try not to beat yourself up too much...it really isn't as dire as it seems.
Your milk supply won't go away over night, and your son is getting old enough to have other things in just a few months. Some people nurse all the way through their pregnancy (depends on the mom and the baby), and even if/when you end up supplementing, LO will still be getting antibodies and comfort through what milk he gets from you. If you don't want to use formula, you could look into donor milk. In a lot of areas you can get it for free through milk swapping programs.
I have a friend whose son lost interest over halfway through birth, then started up again when the new baby was born. I have another friend who nursed the whole way through and now happily tandem nurses. You have lots of time to figure it out and see what works best for your family.
You can absolutely bedshare with both if that is what you'd like. With #2 I plan on sidecar-ing the crib so that we have more space in our queen, and DH will have the bed rail on his side of the bed. He will mostly sleep with DS (who doesn't nurse at night til at least 5am now), I will sleep with the new one.
You still have lots of time alone with your first child. You don't have tickers but it sounds like you are pretty early into your next pregnancy. By the time you have #2, #1 will be more independent and learning to play by himself anyway. If anything I think #2 will be a bit more neglected, no matter the age of #1, but that's okay. All second (and subsequent) children go through not being the first and survive just fine.
I think one of the best things about pregnancy is that you have 40ish weeks to figure everything out. Your son will be a totally different person then than he is now, you'll come up with the perfect solution to every one of your worries, and you'll get used to the idea of having two little ones to cuddle and care for instead of one.
Also, and this is something I try to tell myself at least once a day, this early phase goes so fast in hindsight. It seemed like my son's infancy lasted about a decade when it was going on, but when I look back it was a flash! In a few years when your children are best friends and close enough in age to play together really well, you'll be so happy that you had them so close together, even if it is more stressful right now.
Lots of luck!
I was so busy with and focused on DD this pregnancy I really felt disconnected from it. I felt guilty because the first time around I was totally focused on and excited about the baby on the way and was afraid when #2 was born I'd feel disconnected from him. Needless to say those worries were unfounded! It wasn't instant and overwhelming like it was with DD, but after those first few days I was just as smitten with this little man.
DD is a very clingy and sensitive child and I was extremely worried about bringing a baby into the house and how she'd react, but she loves her baby, LOVES. She will occasionally tell me to put him down or give him to DH if she wants to cuddle, but more often than not she's telling me to pick up the baby or nurse him or that he needs a hug. She's constantly bringing him toys and saying hi to him and hugging/kissing him.
There will always be bumps along the way and adjustments to be made, but I remind myself there are plenty of other people out there with multiple kids and if they can make it work so can we!
I felt guilty all through my second pregnancy and the first few weeks too. But almost 3 mos. in and I see that my DS1 has already developed a strong bond and fierce love for his brother. He lights up first thing when he sees him after waking up. He immediately wants to know where DS2 is if he is still napping.
Sure, there are times where they are both crying or both need something but you just do the best you can to tend to both when you can. DS1 gets held a little less but he has become fiercely independent at 2 anyway and doesn't seem to mind. There is plenty of one on one time with him when DS2 is napping. When DS2 is nursing, I read stories to DS1 or have him bring me his stuffed toys and dolls to "nurse" and then he likes to "burp" them. If you try and change DS2's diaper with DS1 in the next room, he throws a fit and comes running to "help" change his brother.
Now that DS2 is here, I cannot imagine it any other way and I realize I had nothing to worry about. I love them both equally and I never thought that would be possible.
I could have written this post 2 years ago! My girls are 14 months apart. I was EBFing DD (who was barely 6 months old at the time) and bedsharing. I desperately wanted to get to 1 year of BFing without needing to use formula. I didn't think it would be possible, but it was! My supply definitely went down a bit, but I was still able to give her what she needed. The closer she got to a year old the lower my supply went, but she was also eating lots more solid food so it balanced out. By the end of my pregnancy I didn't have any milk left, but DD continued to nurse for comfort so we kept at it. When DD2 was born we made an effortless and awesome transition into tandem nursing. I was so glad we had kept at it, and it was SO much easier than I thought it would be!
Also, DD moved to her own room (again, pretty effortlessly) at 12 months, even though we bedshared 100% up until then.
I went through all the guilt and emotional struggle that you're going through now, and of course everyone was right- when DD2 got here, my heart opened up even more than I thought possible. Annie is so in love with her little sister and vice versa. They have a bond that rivals even their bonds with DH & I. We gave them such an awesome gift- eachother- and I don't regret any of it for one second.