Husband is not very supportive: What do I do???
Hi Guys,
I am 28 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby, a girl, and it seems I am always stressed out, mad, sad, resentful, etc towards my husband. He really wasn't that great when I was pregnant with my other two boys but it bothers me much more this time having to take care of two kids pregnant. He is in the Army so we have no family around to help and he works a lot. Helping around the house has never been his strong suite, but I really need him right now and when I ask him to help clean and try and explain what we need to get done he barely responds and then does NOTHING to help.... And when he does it's with an attitude and I don't need that right now. I am an emotional wreck and all these boys (6, 3 and 32) are driving me crazy. I just want him to stick a basketball in his shirt and pick crap up all day and try to empathesize with me!!! I have been married 10 years to a self-ish person and it's getting old... Otherwise he is great - same interests, funny, good personality, faithful, doesn't go out - drink, etc... He just SUCKS at helping me around the house and with kids!! HELP
Re: Husband is not very supportive: What do I do???
I'm assuming you have already told him all of this. I'm sure you argue about it too. It's time to stop talking and show some action!
I went on strike. I stopped taking care of everyone but myself. No laundry, no groceries, no cleaning, nothing. I basically became DH's room mate and waited. It was so tough. The dishes in the sink almost killed me, but I stood my ground and didn't touch them. I let the house to turn a gigantic mess (3 days). I obviously didn't let it become unsafe and I fed our 4 year old when DH wasn't home, but when he was and he was ask what was for dinner I told him to ask Daddy. It didn't take my husband very long to apologize.
I no longer do dishes or laundry.
It was a big win and what's even better is the appreciation for the things that I do, which were taken for granted before.
Wow. Good for you!!!! That's awesome!
This is a great idea!!
If your husband is anything like mine, going on strike won't make a lick of difference. He'll just stay away from your house unless he has to be home for something.
I've been with my husband for 10 years, too and have made very few wins in terms of dividing housework. At this point, he does all of the outdoor work - lawn, snow, brush. I still do 99% of the indoor work. my biggest suggestion is this - don't do anything that he will do. DH begged me once to mow the lawn. I refused. I felt bad and he was angry, but I explained to him that if he could refuse to do anything inside the house, I had the same right to refuse to do anything he asked of me. He finally understood where I was coming from.
Finally this was how the discussion ended - I told him that when I asked him to do something, it was because I needed help, not because I just didn't feel like doing something (which is the only reason he would ask me to do anything). He could either give me a hand and help make both our lives easier, or he could do whatever he wanted and face a pretty hard reality that once the baby comes, he's on his own. I would not be caring for an adult child and he would be fending for himself. There have been some significant changes. He will ask if I need him to do something while I'm cleaning. If I ask him to bring the vacuum downstairs (and I always do), he will just do the vacuuming, he now puts his things away, brings his laundry to the washer, etc. They are small changes, but miles from where we started.
Well the problem is we already have 2 kids and I have basically told him the same thing, but of course he never actually left b/c I think that this is something I wouldn't leave over.... I've given him the silent treatment for the past day and he knows why - we have discussed this a million times... So when I went to the grocery store today he cleaned the house - all the floors, etc... the stuff that is physically hard for me... He'll probably be good for a week and then it will start all over again... so frustrating!!! And I have gone on strike and he doesn't care - he is a dirty birdy and I get more stressed... thanks 4 all the input
Ah the eternal struggle....it's hard to discuss this stuff with DH without getting emotional, but I found the best thing was to wait until we were both in a calm mood and talk about what the issues are. For example, DH will sometimes help out but cleaning is not up to wife's standards and then DH feels very criticized. Or, wife asks DH for help and he doesn't do it right then but plans on doing it later. Sometimes the problem just comes down to people having different standards. I'm trying to let go of having a spotless house in exchange for more marital harmony.
Also, it's kind of like dealing with kids: when he does something right he needs TONS of praise (even though this is stuff you do everyday and rarely hear a thank you). It goes a long way toward getting them motivated.