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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
DH is scaring me... (long)
When we first came home from the hospital, yeah we were the typical stressed out parents. ?I even had PPD & am now on lexapro. ?I knew I needed to be on medication b/c I didn't feel like myself at all... I'm doing a thousand times better & am hopeful to be off the medication soon.
Anyways...?
DH, not so much. ?He's been working a lot lately b/c of the holidays & me being a SAHM. ?I take care of DS most days & usually every night except the nights he's off work. ?I don't complain, I just let it known that when he works a double, so do I.
Yesterday was DH's "friday" and he came home at 2pm and took a nap. ?I knew he needed some rest & then when he woke up I told him I was going to the city to get some Christmas shopping done & to go get diapers from BabiesRus & then go grocery shopping. ?He was okay with it.
While I was gone I got a million phone calls from him, asking when I was going to be home. ?He was stressed b/c he couldn't get DS to go to bed. (I usually try to put him down at 8pm... doesn't always work though!)
I thought this was good for him! ?For once he finally knows what it can be like, I assured him I would be home in an hour or so & tried to give him tips on how to get DS to stop crying. ?I mean I was only gone maybe 3 hours?
When I got home DH was laying on our bed with DS on his chest. ?I asked him if he was okay and he said, "no." ?I told him it was okay to be stressed... it doesn't make you a bad parent. ?And he proceeded to tell me he wasn't happy... and that sometimes he feels as though we'd be better off without him. ?He told me he would never do anything, but once in awhile he "thinks" about it.... he said it's no big deal b/c everyone HAS thought about it at one point. ?I didn't know how to handle what he said... I told him when I first realized I wasn't feeling right, I knew that I needed help that something was really wrong... I asked him if he feels like he needs to see someone. ?I told him as an adult you need to know when to ask for help. ?He told me he's not to that point yet.
Fast forward to later that night. ?I got a horrible headache, I felt like I might get sick it was so bad. ?DS woke up at 4am. ?I asked DH if he could take care of him this time b/c I wasn't feeling good.
DH was angry... he went & took DS from his crib and proceeded to change him. ?I could hear his voice when he spoke to DS... it was all in anger. ?"SHHHHH! ?YOU ARE FINE!" ?"YOU'RE FINE YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE CRYING!"
?
It freaked me out & I felt bad for DS so I came out of the bedroom and took over. ?DH said I didn't need to and that he had it, but I told him I wanted to that I missed DS (which I did, but I was also worried).
DS woke up again later that night... I thought maybe DH had enough rest & could now take care of him. ?Or least the diaper change & I would give the bottle & put him back down. ?I overheard him on the baby monitors talking to DS.. I heard, "God I hate my life, I really do. ?You're such a cry baby... god SHUT UP." ?And in his voice I could hear anger... he was really mad.
I came out & took over again. ?I wasn't concerned about DH anymore, I was more angry for talking to my son that way. ?If I ever heard anyone who was caring for my child speak that way, I would be livid... why should it be any different with my DH? ?
I'm concerned he's heading down a destructive path, that he has some hidden anger issues & maybe he needs to see someone. ?Maybe I do too?
He confided in me last night that when DS started to cry in his swing that he grabbed it & made it stop all the sudden & scared DS.... he said he stopped crying for a second b/c he scared & then started to scream. ?He said he picked up DS & said he was sorry & he felt really bad.
Oh, and I saw baby tylenol on the coffee table later that night... I asked him if he had given it to DS. ?He admitted he did b/c "he wouldn't shut up." ?I was so furious.... I told him I wanted to punch him for trying to drug our son. ?He said he had a cold sweat, but he was probably sweating b/c he was crying so much! ?I told him never to do it again, and he said he though he might be in pain b/c he was crying so much. ?Which might be true, but I'm not sure if I believe him at this point.
I never expected DH to act this way with DS.... it scares me & I'm not sure who to talk to. ?I wanted to call my sisters but I don't want them to hate DH, and I was thinking about calling my pastor but he lives an hour away so going to him for help is pretty out of the question.
What should I do? ?I'm concerned DH is depressed. ?And I'm concerned about the way he treats & handles DS. ?I honestly sketchy about leaving him alone with him ever again.
Does insurance cover if you need to go to counseling? ?How you go about finding someone? ?
I'm just so lost right now, I can't believe I'm even typing this post, I never thought I'd be in this position. ?Before baby, I can honestly say we had the perfect relationship... we really did & DH acted nothing like this. ?We've been together for 5 years...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH is scaring me... (long)
Wow! I am so sorry that you are having to go through something like this. I honestly got goosebumps reading your post. It does not sound good and I would not leave DH alone with DS until he gets some help. I really wouldn't. I would be very nervous about having him be around him. This does not mean DH is a bad person, but he definitely needs help! As far as your question about insurance covering counseling, some do. Ours does. So, check with your provider. Please get him some help and do not leave him alone with son!!!
some insurances do cover counseling. we have BCBS, and we only pay $20 a session. we go about every 2 weeks, depending on how booked our counselor is.
i'm sorry you are going through this, and it does sound very scary. i hate to say this, but i really wouldn't leave your DS alone with your DH anymore right now. do you have any family nearby that can help out when you need it?
?That's what I was thinking, I mean... even when I was depressed or super stressed I never once talked to DS that way or acted that way towards him.??
I would definitely not leave him alone with your son until he gets help and this behavior goes away.
What a scary situation! First you need to NOT leave your child alone with your DH until things change. You also need to contact your insurance company to find out what is/isn't covered. Then you need to sit down with your DH and talk to him. Find out specifically what is bothering him/making him unhappy, and see if this is something he feels can be resolved. Tell him that his behavior is scaring you! Maybe if he knows how this is hurting you he will take steps to fix things.
Does he have any siblings or parents you can call for advice? You need to talk to someone about his behavior.
You'll need to check with your insurance, but I know my insurance covers the first 4 appointments with a mental physician and then you need a referral after that. I find a Dr. by using the online Dr search on their website.
I wouldn't be leaving him alone with the baby anymore. I know it's hard, but I wouldn't trust him. This is probably not what you want to hear, but men are more likely to injure a baby or shake a baby than women, and your husband seems to be heading in that direction.
I am so sorry you're going through this, and I hope he gets the help he needs and you can move forward. Big hugs.
Bloggin' It
Dads can get PPD and to be honest it sounds like your husband is suffering from it, it is not normal to think of ways to get rid of your child EVER.
He needs to see a doctor.
Yes most insurances cover couseling, if yours does not most couselors will charge on a sliding scale.
IMO I would not leave your DH alone with your DS til he gets help.
wow. i'm so sorry you are going through this. First, I would not leave ds w/ dh anymore - even for just an hour. i hate to say it but it sounds like he is on the verge of physical violence.
and this is an instance when an ultimatum is appropriate. either he gets help today or you are packing up the baby and leaving. go stay with one of your sisters.
call your insurance provider, they can let you know what your counseling options are. And call your family doctor they can refer you to a?counselor.
good luck!?
Wow. Not only must that be stressful for you, but I bet those feelings are even scary for your DH. My PPD/Anxiety reared its ugly head in the form of uncontrollable anger, too. With Evan, I caught myself saying the most ugly vile things, thinking you know - that he could understand...when you're stressed and/or depressed, you don't think clearly about the things that come out of your mouth.
Anyhow.
Your DH needs to see someone. NOW.
And you cannot CANNOT leave your child alone with him when he's like this.
If he doesn't want to get help, or doesn't think he needs it - you need to take your son and go stay somewhere else until your husband realizes how serious this is, and how bad this can get if it goes untreated.
Run, don't walk, to your doctor and get a referral to a therapist.
Insurance will cover therapy just make sure that the location you are going to takes your insurance. There are also places that are sliding scale fee which is often cheaper.?
I work at a place that does insurance and one that is sliding scale (I am a marriage and family therapist).
Check out the website ?www.aamft.org there is a tab where you can search for a therapist in your location.?
Good Luck.?
As pp have said, I wouldn't leave him alone with ds either. Here's an article on dads with ppd. https://tinyurl.com/596cha. Show it to him, so he can see that it's something that can be treated.
There's such a huge lifestyle adjustment that comes with a baby that I think people really don't think about during pregnancy. Couple that with the sleep deprivation and the overtime work he's been doing, it a tough road. GL to you.
I just wanted to agree with the others that he needs help NOW. And good for you for stepping up to protect your son.
Good luck.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You definitely need to take some action. Get DH to seek help, right away. It definitely sounds like he could use it right now, and that is okay. Like you said, as an adult it is about being able to ask for it if you need it. Until things get worked out, it may be difficult but I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby. It is awful that you can't leave your husband with your baby alone, but the angry talking to your son would freak me out. I would be worried that if DS cries a lot one time, and DH is in a particularly impatient or bad mood, he might lose control momentarily and shake the baby. It could happen so easily - just one second of not thinking and letting your frustration/anger get the best of you is all it takes, and it already sounds like DH is having a hard time controlling his anger and frustration. KWIM? I am not ripping on your DH, just being honest about the concerns I would have if I were in your situation.
Encourage DH to get help. Explain to him that you are concerned for your babies safety as well as his own, plus the general well being of your whole family.
I hope you are able to help him get things worked out!
oh wow. i'm so sorry. ::hugs::
clearly he has some PPD issues. he needs help. it wouldn't hurt for you to get counseling as well. even if all you can do is talk to your pastor on the phone it would help.
if you feel threatened for your safety or you fear for your DS's safety. please please please pack up some stuff and get out of there. you would never be able to live with yourself if you could see it coming. even if it's just to a friends house for the night or something, i would hope it would scare him enough and show him that you are serious.
GL. i hope things get better.
I agree with PP about seeking immediate therapy and not allowing DH to be alone with DS. It freaked me out to read what you were overhearing on the monitor and sounds like a serious case of PPD. It's good that DH knows he has a problem, but I would definitely suggest making him get help or going elsewhere for a while until he does get help.
Good luck.
I am sorry this is happening ((hugs)) I totally agree with the pps, your DH definately needs some help. Having a newborn is tough and I remember times where I felt like I was going crazy. Up all night, crying for "no reason" and it can be tough to cope. It isn't anything to be ashamed of to get the help needed.
Also, I have to say that you aren't completely alone. I had to "coach" DH A LOT when DS was a newborn. Trying to get DH to understand how babies think (or don't) and there were plenty of times I yelled at DH for how he spoke to DS or showed a lack of patience. DS was the first baby DH was around and it was a huge learning experience for him and he felt somewhat helpless for quite awhile. He would get so frustrated and then angry at himself for being so frustrated. I would point to our little tiny son, sleeping snugly and say "look at him, he doesn't mean to be so much trouble"... and I know DH's heart would melt and we would talk about what happened and how to handle it next time.
One thing that is important for you and DH to know is it does get easier. DH says now that the first 6mo or so were so hard and he wishes that he knew then that there was light at the end of the tunnel, that it wouldn't always be that way. Soon, your DS will be sleeping through the night and running around the house and following your DH everywhere. It will take a whole different skillset then. I would say, now that DS is two, there are plenty of things DH does better and he "coaches" me
. I am sure your DH will be a great father too, once he gets past his frustration. In the meantime though, I would watch him very carefully and go with your plan to always be around as your husband gets the help he needs.
GOOD LUCK!
Wow. Judgemental much? Shame on YOU!
Wow. Way to be supportive and non-judgmental.
Go back to 3rd tri you moron.
Hey, Tipton...go back to third tri and don't bother coming over here when your baby is born!