Why Is Adoption Viewed As "Settling"- VENT

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

I was lurking on another board dealing with infertility and an Poster made adoption sound like a second choice or settling. This is a common theme I've come across before- and I just don't get it! I did not "settle" on my daughter, God simply placed her in someone else's body and lead me to her (okay that sounds slightly weird- but I think you guys get it).

Seriously it's annoying.

Amyaggie97 · March 2012

I am butting into your post and this board, mostly because I just posted about it being an option we have been seriously considering, especially after my RE appointment today, and I have I been lurking over here while we decide what is the right path for us.

For us, honestly, it is our second choice but in reality it may be God's first choice and chosen path for us we just haven't realized it completely yet. But I don't consider it settling, I see it as being a path we may choose/be destined to go down but it takes some time to understand that and be at peace with it.

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

Amyaggie97:
I am butting into your post and this board, mostly because I just posted about it being an option we have been seriously considering, especially after my RE appointment today, and I have I been lurking over here while we decide what is the right path for us.
For us, honestly, it is our second choice but in reality it may be God's first choice and chosen path for us we just haven't realized it completely yet. But I don't consider it settling, I see it as being a path we may choose/be destined to go down but it takes some time to understand that and be at peace with it.

First off- I pray you find peace in your situation- regarding what your decision may be. If adoption is your path- I hope your wait is short. If its not I hope your baby finds you regardless!

Adoption isn't for everyone (this is in general- not towards you . And while I understand it may be a second option after IF treatments (and it also may not be) my adopted child isn't a second place runner up because I didn't have a bio child- and that's my biggest frustration. I can't stand that outlook- like my daughter is a condolence prize for not making a bio baby.

Amyaggie97 · March 2012

Jenn is Silly:
Amyaggie97:
I am butting into your post and this board, mostly because I just posted about it being an option we have been seriously considering, especially after my RE appointment today, and I have I been lurking over here while we decide what is the right path for us.
For us, honestly, it is our second choice but in reality it may be God's first choice and chosen path for us we just haven't realized it completely yet. But I don't consider it settling, I see it as being a path we may choose/be destined to go down but it takes some time to understand that and be at peace with it.
First off- I pray you find peace in your situation- regarding what your decision may be. If adoption is your path- I hope your wait is short. If its not I hope your baby finds you regardless!
Adoption isn't for everyone (this is in general- not towards you . And while I understand it may be a second option after IF treatments (and it also may not be) my adopted child isn't a second place runner up because I didn't have a bio child- and that's my biggest frustration. I can't stand that outlook- like my daughter is a condolence prize for not making a bio baby.

I agree completely. I have a niece who is adopted and several friends who have adopted and are helping guide us while we decide what to do. I agree, children who are adopted aren't a second place runner up. They were put in your/our family for a reason. I wouldn't ever consider my niece as anything less than our family and that God put her in our family for a reason. She is one great kid and we would be blessed if we were able to have a child placed in our lives to round our our family of DH, myself, and our two labs.

julandjo · March 2012

In the past I have made statements like "we may have to adopt". It wasn't said to imply that adoption is a lesser option or that the child is any less desirable than bio children. I no longer use that wording because I am now sensitive to how it can be taken, but at the time it simply reflected how difficult this journey is. This is so, so difficult, and people who have not gone through the process have no clue how freaking vulnerable DH and I feel just waiting to be chosen. Or how it feels to be examined and have to pass criteria and background checks to be deemed appropriate parenting material. This is harder than our (admittedly fairly simple) infertility and struggle to conceive our bio kids. It's harder than the health struggles I had due to pregnancy. I'll be the first to admit that this is not the path I would voluntarily choose if there was an "easier" way to become parents again. The child we eventually welcome at the end of our wait will be every bit as treasured as our bio kids. But again, this process is HARD.

So I know that viewpoint you heard is a kick in the teeth, but the intent behind those words isn't always bad. Sometimes it's just a realistic expression of frustration with the institution or process.

may2806 · March 2012

Lurker from IFV here. I think whatever you read is probably someone who is not at the point in their IF journey where they want to adopt and are just very scared. I think anyone who went through IF would agree that there is a mourning/loss that goes along with ending treatment and coming to terms that you will not have a bio baby or a pregnancy.

What I assume, since I have not adopted (yet): once you have made that mental shift to adoption, it becomes your first choice and the path down which you are moving, and any child you have is in no way going to be second place.

silliestbunny · March 2012

I hear you, Jenn.

I try not to get to wrapped up in those thoughts because I know, like you, that adoption isn't something on everyone's hearts... but I am thankful that my plan and my DH was as well. If it's someon'e second option (and I don't mean that it's what someone does after IF treatments... but rather a state of mind), I wish they wouldn't bother. I "know" too many wonderful people waiting for their babies... as a FIRST option.

lafayettegirl · March 2012

I, too, am someone who has entered the journey to adopt through IF. While I am 100% committed and excited about adopting, like some of the other posters, it was not what I expected or something I had ever even considered. That, however, does not make it any less special or make my future child a condolence prize. It makes the children who will eventually come to our family even more special.

Many people did not ever contemplate or expect to adopt, so making the choice often comes with a range of emotions - from anger to sadness to excitement. Having spent a lot of time on the IF board, I can honestly say that some of the things I said there may have made people on this board angry, had I posted them here. Am I apologizing for the things I said during that journey? Absolutely not. Those were the things I felt at the time. Has my outlook changed dramatically since we made the decision to adopt? ABSOLUTELY! And for the better.

Remember, just like our board is a safe place for people on the adoption journey to say things they are feeling - to share their ups and downs with people who understand, so too is the IF board. Those folks are in a very different place than you and I and everyone else here.

I totally understand your feelings on the post, but please, please remember that what they are saying is part of their journey and they are working out emotions (some stemming from the multiple hormonal drugs they are injecting daily) that many, many people will never know. Cut them some slack.

However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.

Blsd4given · March 2012

lafayettegirl:

I, too, am someone who has entered the journey to adopt through IF. While I am 100% committed and excited about adopting, like some of the other posters, it was not what I expected or something I had ever even considered. That, however, does not make it any less special or make my future child a condolence prize. It makes the children who will eventually come to our family even more special.

.....

Many people did not ever contemplate or expect to adopt, so making the choice However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.

This exactly.

AuburnBride06 · March 2012

may2806:
Lurker from IFV here. I think whatever you read is probably someone who is not at the point in their IF journey where they want to adopt and are just very scared. I think anyone who went through IF would agree that there is a mourning/loss that goes along with ending treatment and coming to terms that you will not have a bio baby or a pregnancy.
What I assume, since I have not adopted (yet): once you have made that mental shift to adoption, it becomes your first choice and the path down which you are moving, and any child you have is in no way going to be second place.

I think this is an important point to keep in mind. There IS a process you go through, call it mourning or whatever. It's very hard for me to describe the mental shift and heart shift that take place. I understand how adoption can seem so completely "out there" and out of the realm for many. I was once there, a very long time ago, I couldn't imagine not carrying a baby. Genetics wise, was a very small, pretty insignificant part of it for me. The pregnancy part was the hardest part to mourn. Pregnancy is so "expected" and all the other crap that comes with it...the attention, the belly rubs, the clothes, the feeling of "normal". Most people know no other way of becoming a mother, so that's why it is so hard to really comes to term with.

But you know what I realized?? I HAD all the attention, if not more so, and it was beautiful and amazing. AND I didn't miss the belly rubs or spending $ on clothes one bit. BUT, I had to mourn to get there. My heart had to learn that for me, settling would have been never being a mother, and that just wasn't an option for me. I was the very first to hold my precious son and the minute he took his first breath, I loved him with everything I am. He is attached to me and me to him just as much if not more than any other kid. My husband loves him with a passion I have never seen. I didn't miss out on having a combination of me and my DH--He is a combination of the best and worst of us--the bitterness we both came to live, the emotional and psychological beatings we took, the healing, the restoration of faith in God and ourselves as a couple and as individuals. Things that have come to mean more to me than my awful curly hair, DH's dark brown eyes or some genetic links that are probably much better off not being passed on.

I will be the first to admit that I do not like a lot of the comments I see on IFV regarding adoption, but I try really hard to remind myself that I knew that pain very well, I said many of those same things and like you mentioned, adoption isn't for everyone, whatever their reasons and whether or not their assumptions and opinions are based on accuracy or not. I do wish people weren't so closed minded and closed hearted (and some very much are). I can't imagine not being HIS mother, it's like I've never known any other thing, honestly. I would not trade him for anything in the world and I would repeat every single devastating, traumatic loss if it meant I get him.

Settling is what you define it as, and I agree, anyone that does define adoption, this miracle that made me a mother, as settling, is probably better off thinking things through and re-evaluating what they really want out of life. Choosing to not be a mother wasn't an option for me (choosing that would have been settling on a "life" that I did not want), but I had to hurt, be angry, learn some things and start to heal before I was strong enough to realize that. To be honest, I will read my IF blog from years ago, in which I said the very same things. Where in the darkest part of my life, I contemplated suicide over never having a successful pregnancy. Now, those thoughts are not in my life and how thankful I am for that. To read those things is hard. But this little boy, this precious baby that loves Mickey Mouse, he took all that away. God was faithful and he did answer all those prayers. For me, it was either I became a mom or I didn't. And I know without any doubt at all that I am the mom I was meant to be.

AuburnBride06 · March 2012

lafayettegirl:
I, too, am someone who has entered the journey to adopt through IF. While I am 100% committed and excited about adopting, like some of the other posters, it was not what I expected or something I had ever even considered. That, however, does not make it any less special or make my future child a condolence prize. It makes the children who will eventually come to our family even more special.

Many people did not ever contemplate or expect to adopt, so making the choice often comes with a range of emotions - from anger to sadness to excitement. Having spent a lot of time on the IF board, I can honestly say that some of the things I said there may have made people on this board angry, had I posted them here. Am I apologizing for the things I said during that journey? Absolutely not. Those were the things I felt at the time. Has my outlook changed dramatically since we made the decision to adopt? ABSOLUTELY! And for the better.

Remember, just like our board is a safe place for people on the adoption journey to say things they are feeling - to share their ups and downs with people who understand, so too is the IF board. Those folks are in a very different place than you and I and everyone else here.

I totally understand your feelings on the post, but please, please remember that what they are saying is part of their journey and they are working out emotions (some stemming from the multiple hormonal drugs they are injecting daily) that many, many people will never know. Cut them some slack.

However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.

Beautifully said.

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

lafayettegirl:
Remember, just like our board is a safe place for people on the adoption journey to say things they are feeling - to share their ups and downs with people who understand, so too is the IF board. Those folks are in a very different place than you and I and everyone else here.

I totally understand your feelings on the post, but please, please remember that what they are saying is part of their journey and they are working out emotions (some stemming from the multiple hormonal drugs they are injecting daily) that many, many people will never know. Cut them some slack.

However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.

So... if I told you that this wasn't a post I saw from lurking on an IF, IFV, TTTC, or any board like that, would it change your mind about how much slack I should cut them?

You're right, while we faced the road of taking infertility treatments, adoption was on our heart, and our daughter came to us through adoption before we journeyed down that road, so I can't say that I understand that path. But I can say I understand the gut wrenching pain and feeling of failure of not being able to biologically create a child, and it is horrible and not something I wish on any human being.

But here's my issue with the statements I read (and it will sound defensive, because I'm passionate about it). This wasn't an "I" or personal statement. I 100% do not take offense to someone saying, "Adoption isn't for me" or "I could not accept an adopted child". Those are "I" statements, and theirs to make. I'm glad they've identified how they feel, as its best for all parties involved.

What I DO take absolute offense to are comments that are general in statement, "Adopted children are like a second place trophy", "adopted children can never be loved like a real baby", and "women who adopt are just to desperate to be a mother".

Those are all comments I have heard from living breathing humans, read on message boards, or read in blogs. I do not tolerate general statements about any diverse group because that my friend is how stereotypes are breaded. But in this situation specifically where you are generalizing my child, my love for my child, and my "desperation"- quite honestly I don't care what your path is, I will take offense to it.

mommytoconnor · March 2012

I understand totally. When people find out my LO is adopted they always give me the "ooooh' with a side eyed look as if to say what's wrong with me that I had to adopt. First of all, adoption was a first choice for me. I agree that my son and I were brought together for a reason and he is just as much my son as anyone's bio child would be. There is often an attitude about adoption as if it's a second choice or that we aren't really their mom's. Like when people say "their real mom". These comments cut like a knife and if they had any idea how difficult the process to adopt is, they would be shocked. We have to have every aspect of our lives judged by others, we have background checks, have to prove financial stability, practically have to sign in blood. It's not an easy process to adopt and we are just as much real parents as bio ones and our children are not second choices. I feel your frustration and totally agree. Just ignore the ignorance.

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

AuburnBride06:
may2806:
Lurker from IFV here. I think whatever you read is probably someone who is not at the point in their IF journey where they want to adopt and are just very scared. I think anyone who went through IF would agree that there is a mourning/loss that goes along with ending treatment and coming to terms that you will not have a bio baby or a pregnancy.
What I assume, since I have not adopted (yet): once you have made that mental shift to adoption, it becomes your first choice and the path down which you are moving, and any child you have is in no way going to be second place.
I think this is an important point to keep in mind. There IS a process you go through, call it mourning or whatever. It's very hard for me to describe the mental shift and heart shift that take place. I understand how adoption can seem so completely "out there" and out of the realm for many. I was once there, a very long time ago, I couldn't imagine not carrying a baby. Genetics wise, was a very small, pretty insignificant part of it for me. The pregnancy part was the hardest part to mourn. Pregnancy is so "expected" and all the other crap that comes with it...the attention, the belly rubs, the clothes, the feeling of "normal". Most people know no other way of becoming a mother, so that's why it is so hard to really comes to term with.
But you know what I realized?? I HAD all the attention, if not more so, and it was beautiful and amazing. AND I didn't miss the belly rubs or spending $ on clothes one bit. BUT, I had to mourn to get there. My heart had to learn that for me, settling would have been never being a mother, and that just wasn't an option for me. I was the very first to hold my precious son and the minute he took his first breath, I loved him with everything I am. He is attached to me and me to him just as much if not more than any other kid. My husband loves him with a passion I have never seen. I didn't miss out on having a combination of me and my DH--He is a combination of the best and worst of us--the bitterness we both came to live, the emotional and psychological beatings we took, the healing, the restoration of faith in God and ourselves as a couple and as individuals. Things that have come to mean more to me than my awful curly hair, DH's dark brown eyes or some genetic links that are probably much better off not being passed on.
I will be the first to admit that I do not like a lot of the comments I see on IFV regarding adoption, but I try really hard to remind myself that I knew that pain very well, I said many of those same things and like you mentioned, adoption isn't for everyone, whatever their reasons and whether or not their assumptions and opinions are based on accuracy or not. I do wish people weren't so closed minded and closed hearted (and some very much are). I can't imagine not being HIS mother, it's like I've never known any other thing, honestly. I would not trade him for anything in the world and I would repeat every single devastating, traumatic loss if it meant I get him.
Settling is what you define it as, and I agree, anyone that does define adoption, this miracle that made me a mother, as settling, is probably better off thinking things through and re-evaluating what they really want out of life. Choosing to not be a mother wasn't an option for me (choosing that would have been settling on a "life" that I did not want), but I had to hurt, be angry, learn some things and start to heal before I was strong enough to realize that. To be honest, I will read my IF blog from years ago, in which I said the very same things. Where in the darkest part of my life, I contemplated suicide over never having a successful pregnancy. Now, those thoughts are not in my life and how thankful I am for that. To read those things is hard. But this little boy, this precious baby that loves Mickey Mouse, he took all that away. God was faithful and he did answer all those prayers. For me, it was either I became a mom or I didn't. And I know without any doubt at all that I am the mom I was meant to be.

Thank you for sharing your story- your son is absolutely beautiful, and you are so right- God is faithful!

steph196 · March 2012

AuburnBride06:
may2806:
Lurker from IFV here. I think whatever you read is probably someone who is not at the point in their IF journey where they want to adopt and are just very scared. I think anyone who went through IF would agree that there is a mourning/loss that goes along with ending treatment and coming to terms that you will not have a bio baby or a pregnancy.
What I assume, since I have not adopted (yet): once you have made that mental shift to adoption, it becomes your first choice and the path down which you are moving, and any child you have is in no way going to be second place.
I think this is an important point to keep in mind. There IS a process you go through, call it mourning or whatever. It's very hard for me to describe the mental shift and heart shift that take place. I understand how adoption can seem so completely "out there" and out of the realm for many. I was once there, a very long time ago, I couldn't imagine not carrying a baby. Genetics wise, was a very small, pretty insignificant part of it for me. The pregnancy part was the hardest part to mourn. Pregnancy is so "expected" and all the other crap that comes with it...the attention, the belly rubs, the clothes, the feeling of "normal". Most people know no other way of becoming a mother, so that's why it is so hard to really comes to term with.
But you know what I realized?? I HAD all the attention, if not more so, and it was beautiful and amazing. AND I didn't miss the belly rubs or spending $ on clothes one bit. BUT, I had to mourn to get there. My heart had to learn that for me, settling would have been never being a mother, and that just wasn't an option for me. I was the very first to hold my precious son and the minute he took his first breath, I loved him with everything I am. He is attached to me and me to him just as much if not more than any other kid. My husband loves him with a passion I have never seen. I didn't miss out on having a combination of me and my DH--He is a combination of the best and worst of us--the bitterness we both came to live, the emotional and psychological beatings we took, the healing, the restoration of faith in God and ourselves as a couple and as individuals. Things that have come to mean more to me than my awful curly hair, DH's dark brown eyes or some genetic links that are probably much better off not being passed on.
I will be the first to admit that I do not like a lot of the comments I see on IFV regarding adoption, but I try really hard to remind myself that I knew that pain very well, I said many of those same things and like you mentioned, adoption isn't for everyone, whatever their reasons and whether or not their assumptions and opinions are based on accuracy or not. I do wish people weren't so closed minded and closed hearted (and some very much are). I can't imagine not being HIS mother, it's like I've never known any other thing, honestly. I would not trade him for anything in the world and I would repeat every single devastating, traumatic loss if it meant I get him.
Settling is what you define it as, and I agree, anyone that does define adoption, this miracle that made me a mother, as settling, is probably better off thinking things through and re-evaluating what they really want out of life. Choosing to not be a mother wasn't an option for me (choosing that would have been settling on a "life" that I did not want), but I had to hurt, be angry, learn some things and start to heal before I was strong enough to realize that. To be honest, I will read my IF blog from years ago, in which I said the very same things. Where in the darkest part of my life, I contemplated suicide over never having a successful pregnancy. Now, those thoughts are not in my life and how thankful I am for that. To read those things is hard. But this little boy, this precious baby that loves Mickey Mouse, he took all that away. God was faithful and he did answer all those prayers. For me, it was either I became a mom or I didn't. And I know without any doubt at all that I am the mom I was meant to be.

Wow! This was amazing to read! You are a fantastic writer. I would love to read your blog!

AuburnBride06 · March 2012

Jenn is Silly:
lafayettegirl:
Remember, just like our board is a safe place for people on the adoption journey to say things they are feeling - to share their ups and downs with people who understand, so too is the IF board. Those folks are in a very different place than you and I and everyone else here.

I totally understand your feelings on the post, but please, please remember that what they are saying is part of their journey and they are working out emotions (some stemming from the multiple hormonal drugs they are injecting daily) that many, many people will never know. Cut them some slack.

However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.
So... if I told you that this wasn't a post I saw from lurking on an IF, IFV, TTTC, or any board like that, would it change your mind about how much slack I should cut them?
You're right, while we faced the road of taking infertility treatments, adoption was on our heart, and our daughter came to us through adoption before we journeyed down that road, so I can't say that I understand that path. But I can say I understand the gut wrenching pain and feeling of failure of not being able to biologically create a child, and it is horrible and not something I wish on any human being.
But here's my issue with the statements I read (and it will sound defensive, because I'm passionate about it). This wasn't an "I" or personal statement. I 100% do not take offense to someone saying, "Adoption isn't for me" or "I could not accept an adopted child". Those are "I" statements, and theirs to make. I'm glad they've identified how they feel, as its best for all parties involved.
What I DO take absolute offense to are comments that are general in statement, "Adopted children are like a second place trophy", "adopted children can never be loved like a real baby", and "women who adopt are just to desperate to be a mother".
Those are all comments I have heard from living breathing humans, read on message boards, or read in blogs. I do not tolerate general statements about any diverse group because that my friend is how stereotypes are breaded. But in this situation specifically where you are generalizing my child, my love for my child, and my "desperation"- quite honestly I don't care what your path is, I will take offense to it.

Yep. I don't cut slack for those who are not *really* infertile. Meaning heavy duty treatments (injectables/IUI/IVF), miscarriages and have suffered a long time. I too am very defensive about it just because people have ZERO clue until they actually do it, just like IF treatments. If I hear comments like these from random people, friends or family, I usually ALWAYS say something. I don't like how people (anyone, IF or not) seem to think that getting and staying pregnant and giving birth make you medal worthy and the rest of us are just *** on a stick. People are just @ss hats. All we can do unfortunately is tell our stories and educate, whether people are receptive or not. Generalizations about us and our families are horrible, but I don't think it will ever change until it is seen as what it is, equal and just as amazing (and honestly, sometimes so much greater!) then getting KU and pushing one out. I try to correct false assumptions when I see them and try and instill a little tact and sensitivity, but I'm a mom, that isn't ever going to change, so the rest, eh--I wish 'em well and hope they can get the life the want.

CaptainSerious · March 2012

Jenn is Silly:

What I DO take absolute offense to are comments that are general in statement, "Adopted children are like a second place trophy", "adopted children can never be loved like a real baby", and "women who adopt are just to desperate to be a mother".

Those are all comments I have heard from living breathing humans, read on message boards, or read in blogs.

Those comments are disgusting and obviously completely wrong and unenlightened. But they don't offend me. I cannot be offended by someone who's opinion I don't respect, and on this issue, I cannot respect people with such views.

To be honest, when I encounter people like this, I just feel sorry for them, because it's clear they don't understand the true nature of love. For that, I pity them. And then I make a comment about how much I love my own, real children, and move on. I don't even try to educate them, because they are the types that will never "get it" unless it somehow becomes their reality...and sometimes, horribly unfortunately, not even then.

Blsd4given · March 2012

AuburnBride06:

Yep. I don't cut slack for those who are not *really* infertile. Meaning heavy duty treatments (injectables/IUI/IVF), miscarriages and have suffered a long time. I too am very defensive about it just because people have ZERO clue until they actually do it, just like IF treatments. If I hear comments like these from random people, friends or family, I usually ALWAYS say something. I don't like how people (anyone, IF or not) seem to think that getting and staying pregnant and giving birth make you medal worthy and the rest of us are just *** on a stick. People are just @ss hats. All we can do unfortunately is tell our stories and educate, whether people are receptive or not. Generalizations about us and our families are horrible, but I don't think it will ever change until it is seen as what it is, equal and just as amazing (and honestly, sometimes so much greater!) then getting KU and pushing one out. I try to correct false assumptions when I see them and try and instill a little tact and sensitivity, but I'm a mom, that isn't ever going to change, so the rest, eh--I wish 'em well and hope they can get the life the want.

Agreed! That perspective irritates me beyond belief. Even if I never conceive and I only ever have an adopted child (God willing), I'll still be a "mom". It's not the shared genetics and giving birth that makes you a "mom". Just like just having sex doesn't make a man a "dad". KWIM?

lafayettegirl · March 2012

I am absolutely defensive about this stuff too. But I do cut some slack for those folks going through infertility because I understand where they are and what they are feeling.

People who have no idea what it is like to be infertile and who have never drowned in the pain of knowing they will never carry a child in their own body for reasons that cannot be explained, who then make assinine comments about how an adopted child is "second place", or who believe you have settled or you haven't tried hard enough, or who say "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" - those people I kick in the shins with pointy shoes while yelling to high heavens about their insensitivity and total lack of understanding that what they just said is hurtful and completely untrue.

On the day that I bring home my son or daughter, they are mine no matter where they "came from." . They came to me the way God intended and I will dare anyone to tell me otherwise. @ss hats indeed!

CaptainSerious · March 2012

I'd just like to point out that infertility is not a prerequisite to understanding adoption or even to being sympathetic to someone suffering IF.

so1966 · March 2012

Blsd4given:
lafayettegirl:

I, too, am someone who has entered the journey to adopt through IF. While I am 100% committed and excited about adopting, like some of the other posters, it was not what I expected or something I had ever even considered. That, however, does not make it any less special or make my future child a condolence prize. It makes the children who will eventually come to our family even more special.

.....

Many people did not ever contemplate or expect to adopt, so making the choice However, if a normal joe off the street said those same things to me personally, I would absolutely let them have it. While adoption might have been my "second choice" some time ago, it is where my heart is now and where God placed me, and for that I am more grateful and excited than words can express.

This exactly.

EXACTLY! I actually tell people my LO is a special blessing!...

julandjo · March 2012

CaptainSerious:
I'd just like to point out that infertility is not a prerequisite to understanding adoption or even to being sympathetic to someone suffering IF.

Right there with ya!

DenaRenee78 · March 2012

I think a lot of people turn to adoption after trying to conceive for many years. My brother and his wife were going to adopt but then the last minute their IVF worked and they had twins. I think a lot of people see it as their second choice simply because trying to have a child 'naturally' didn't happen. I don't think they would see the child as any less 'theirs' if they adopted.

I personally love children and would love to adopt more later on when my other kids are a little older. I'm currently pregnant with what I am calling 'miracle babies' because I was not supposed to be able to have more kids let alone get pregnant with twins! Then to make it more complicated I have an incompetent cervix so had to have a cervical cerclage. So after suffering two previous second trimester losses were still on pins and needles hoping and praying all will go well with this pregnancy. I just want them to be born alive and well!

I have four biological kids but I was looking into adopting more children from foster care. Here in Michigan there are a lot of children in foster care hoping for and waiting for good homes. Sadly a lot of them will have newborn siblings or expectant mothers whose babies will go directly into the system. I wanted to adopt siblings so they could stay together. My friend adopted four sisters out of foster care and they are wonderful happy loving little girls. They also have biological children too .. but they still see them all and treat them all the same! My father was adopted when he was a young child .. after his mother died of cancer. People adopt for different reasons .. and I don't think we all look at it like our 'second choice'. I believe some might look at it as their only chance to be a parent.

Mrs.Slick · March 2012

As someone who is venturing from the IF world into this one, I have also heard comments like, "Don't give up yet!" and "I think you should give it one more try for you two to have your kids." Even though I'm not deep into the adoption process it still offends me. First of all, I'm not giving up, I'm going down a different path. And secondly, any adopted child IS their child. If/when we adopt that child will be ours, it will have always been ours, it just came to us in a different way than biological children. I know they are not saying these things out of malice, but more so out of ignorance.

erinmc1 · April 2012

Blsd4given:
AuburnBride06:

Yep. I don't cut slack for those who are not *really* infertile. Meaning heavy duty treatments (injectables/IUI/IVF), miscarriages and have suffered a long time. I too am very defensive about it just because people have ZERO clue until they actually do it, just like IF treatments. If I hear comments like these from random people, friends or family, I usually ALWAYS say something. I don't like how people (anyone, IF or not) seem to think that getting and staying pregnant and giving birth make you medal worthy and the rest of us are just *** on a stick. People are just @ss hats. All we can do unfortunately is tell our stories and educate, whether people are receptive or not. Generalizations about us and our families are horrible, but I don't think it will ever change until it is seen as what it is, equal and just as amazing (and honestly, sometimes so much greater!) then getting KU and pushing one out. I try to correct false assumptions when I see them and try and instill a little tact and sensitivity, but I'm a mom, that isn't ever going to change, so the rest, eh--I wish 'em well and hope they can get the life the want.

Agreed! That perspective irritates me beyond belief. Even if I never conceive and I only ever have an adopted child (God willing), I'll still be a "mom". It's not the shared genetics and giving birth that makes you a "mom". Just like just having sex doesn't make a man a "dad". KWIM?

We didn't go through much as far as treatment goes, but we're both so infertile, the doc said even IVF was a very long shot with virtually no chance of success. So while we didn't suffer long in IF terms, our mourning was absolute. But we were also open to adoption right off the bat, so we knew we didn't need to go through all the unnecessary suffering to be parents. Adoption was a much clearer path for us, and felt much more RIGHT than pursuing further, likely futile, treatment.

Even knowing all that, a few people close to us tried to push us to keep trying: it was worth it, we could get our miracle. And when that didn't sway our decision, we heard a lot of "you'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt." It was frustrating, like an adopted child wasn't as special or important. But everyone has seen how focused we are, how excited, how disappointed when we aren't chosen, and at least with those close to us, they've accepted our decision fully.

We don't listen to anyone else. They can all suck it. Unless you've heard the words "you will never conceive" from a medical professional, you cannot judge. Unless you've gone through the experience of feeling as though your body has betrayed you, like you're different from all the other women in the room when they talk about their pregnancies and labors, like your monthly cycles are just bitter reminders of how your body tricked you into thinking it could do what it was supposed to do....your opinion is of little to no value to me. You haven't walked my path.

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