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My SIL's IVF cycle = chem. pregnancy - why I feel really horrible

SigmundsGirlSigmundsGirl
in Secondary IF

My SIL has only one ovary and is 38, but other than that her diagnosis is unknown. She and her DH had tried for a year and just did their first IVF cycle. And I just got an email from her saying it was a chemical pregnancy. I know she is crushed. And I am sad for her. They don't have any kids and she has always wanted to be a mom. They are going to do another IVF cycle, because it is covered by her H's insurance. After that they will decide if they want to do another cycle or just go to adoption.

Now here is why I feel really horrible. She doesn't know that we are TTC again and at DS's birthday party a few weeks ago she kept making off handed comments like, "someday when you want another child he/she will have an older cousin to play with".

I know that feelings aren't always rational, but I think she will be angry/upset/hurt, if I get pregnant again before she does and especially if she can't at all. I want her to have a baby for so many reasons, but one is purely selfish - so she won't be weird (either distant or overly clingy) with mine. That makes me feel like a horrible person, but I can't help it. I am only human.  

Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10

TTC #2 since Dec 2011
BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12

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Re: My SIL's IVF cycle = chem. pregnancy - why I feel really horrible

  • AprilDrew04AprilDrew04 member

    My SIL has been ttc #2 for 4 years, with a m/c and 3 tubal pregnancies.  One tubal pregnancy occurred around the same time we conceived DD.  I know this is not exactly the same, but wanted you to know that we just try our best to be sensitive to each other's feelings.  I have also found her to be an understanding ear when ttc as we both understand the frustration, ups and downs that go with this process.

    I suggest you let her in on what you are going through, if you are comfortable with that.  Then if/when you conceive before her she will be just as happy for you as you would be for her.  My SIL was not overly clingy nor was she distant with DD, but she is also her godmother.  My sister has also recently had #2 with no problems at all, and SIL was a little sensitive during the pregnancy, but is a normal loving and doting Aunt now.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic 

    DD conceived after 3 years of ttc.
    MFI - DH had varicocele repair and took Clomid to get DD b. 02/2010

    TTC #2 since 6/2010
    10/2012 DH diagnosed with Epilepsy
    A few failed IUIs summer 2012 and 2013. 
    DH taking clomid and waiting to see if he needs another vericocele repair. 
    Hoping for a 2015 baby or babies. 
    Wishing, hoping, waiting.


    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickersLilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers

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  • SigmundsGirlSigmundsGirl

    That is awesome to hear. This is the type of advice/shared experience I needed to hear.

    Oh and just as a little background info, I thought my SIL might be distant or overly clingy because that is her personality type (one extreme or the other), but also because the first time she had a m/c it was the day after she watched DS for a few hours (which she rarely does) and this time it was the day after his party. I'm sure that is hurtful to her.

    She also just emailed me and said that they might start the adoption process soon and I know she will need our support since her mother has voiced that she is against it.

    Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
    18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
    BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10

    TTC #2 since Dec 2011
    BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12

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  • Hnysckl426Hnysckl426

    I would tell her what you are going through so that if you do get pregnant before she does she won't be totally shocked and potentially crushed.

    We have been TTC #2 for 18 months now but none of our family really knows that.  My SIL just got pregnant and then had a miscarriage (her first pregnancy).  I decided to tell her our struggle for number 2 for two reasons, one so if I got pregnant she wouldn't be crushed and two so she knew that it wasn't easy for us either and I could relate.

    The way I look at it is if DD can't have a sibling hopefully she will get a cousin, right now she is the ONLY grandchild on both sides of the family so she has no other little kids around for holidays and family events.

    And don't feel bad for your feelings.....I was hurt when I found out SIL was pg and then felt horrible when she had a miscarriage.  We are only human.

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
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  • SigmundsGirlSigmundsGirl

    Thanks. I think I will tell her. I don't want a pregnancy announcement to come outta left field. Maybe I'll go with her to get a pedicure this weekend and we can talk about it.

    And I hear ya on wanting another child around for DS to grow up with. He is the only grandchild on both sides and my brother isn't married and doesn't want kids. And on top of that, my SIL has always wanted a baby, so I feel so bad for her right now.

    Thanks for the great advice!

    Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
    18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
    BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10

    TTC #2 since Dec 2011
    BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12

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