I kinda feel like there's something wrong with me- like I'm broken. I love being E's mom- seriously it's my whole life. And I have gone from a shop-a-holic, Lexus SUV driving woman to a modest older paid off car driving, clearance shopping woman to be her mama full time. I wouldn't trade our time for the WORLD.
I think about baby #2 often. I pray for him/her. DH &I discuss if well do IF treatments or go straight to adopt. We discuss if well use an attorney, agency, or IA. I envision us being a larger family.
But holy hell, I can't even phantom having said baby right now. Maybe it comes from just spending a week in the hospital with E- but I can't even bring myself to thinking about #2 anytime soon.
So my long winded question- when did you decide to go for #2? (P.S. I know this is different for everyone- I'm just curious )
Re: Baby #2- when/if did you start considering?
My sisters are 2.5 years older and younger than me, so that has always seemed "right" when it comes to spacing out kids. Any closer than 2 years, and my first reaction is "holy crap!" Any further apart than 3 years, and I think "aw, they're so far apart in age". That said, my older sister, being the smarty-pants she is, was 4 grades ahead of me, so the 2.5 year age difference pretty much felt like 4 years until we were well into our 20s.
DD is almost 1, so we're aiming for 2-4 years difference in age, if we stick with infant adoption. But, it's not in my hands
You're not too crazy to start thinking about it now! With adoption and with the uncertainty of IF, you have to plan way ahead.
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LOL- I meant we talk about how baby 2 will join our family, but that it won't be anytime soon- at all, and I'm wondering if that's weird. We've talked about waiting 5 years even! (there's 8 years between me and my sister and 13 between DH and BIL) so our views may be skewed?
We always knew we wanted more than one child. Given that we got married in our mid-30's and it took a year (after approval) to get DD#1, we knew we needed to jump back in farily quickly. We began the application process when DD#1 was 9 months old and got approved when she was 11 months old.
I would have freaked if we had gotten a call in the first couple of months of waiting, but we knew the chances of that were slim. Lucikly we applied when we did - it took 20 months to match with DD#2.
Although the 20 month wait was really tough, in the end it worked out perfectly as the girls are just over 2.5 years apart.
Jenn, I am right there with you. P and I talk about having LO too and right now the plan is to save for IF treatments/adoption and start seriously trying in the fall. If we were to get pregnant that would put B at least a year and a half old when we would have LO 2 and at least a year if we did adoption.
So much of what has been said already prompted us to do what we did... kept our file "active" while we adopted DD1.
Backstory- it took us 22 months, three failed matches, and a loss of lots of money to finally meet and adopt our sweet DD1. Based on what we knew--- it takes even longer to adopt a second child--- coupled with our age (late 30s) we decided to stay open to the possibility of a second so we revised our profile and added newborn pics of DD1 and kept it active. Lo and behold the unthinkable happened and we matched with DD2s birth mom when DD1 was just three and a half months old! (She said she loved us for many reasons including how we looked as parents with DD1.) Matching quickly was not our plan... nor would I have chosen this path.... but we accepted the match and prayed it was the right decision for us. To be honest, though, I never thought the match would stick based on our past... 75% of our matches fell apart. Well things went well and she was placed at birth with us. Our girls are 8 months apart... and thus far it really has been a great age spread. I know it's not natural but it's amazing how great the age spread has been for us.
I always wanted four children... I've thus revised my plans and know four isn't going to happen but three might. We do have a huge chunk of money with an agency in TX and a smaller chunk with an adoption center in CA. I also have a real yearning to pursue IA.... I am not sure if we'll pursue my dream of three (oh, boy... it's hard to settle on three... and not write four) but I do think we'll make a decision soon.
Back to you, Jenn.... here are the things I'd consider... Your ages and how old you want to be as a parent (there's not a right or wrong answer but my husband was adamant on not wanting to have a newborn much past 40), your dream of what your family would like like prior to IF (did you always think you'd have more than one? two? three?) and your willingness to chance it and throw caution to the wind (we knew we could end up with two very close in age but we really didn't think that would happen... ha!)
I have started thinking about #2 more and more since we finalized M's adoption in January. At first I thought maybe one and done, but I really want at least one more.
We also have 3 embryos on ice that need to be used up left over from IVF a few years ago. So, the first plan is to use up the snowbabies by July (I have a consult scheduled for the end of the month), and then after that, assuming it won't work, we will start saving for adoption #2. But IF treatments beyond using up what we already have is off the table. I have no desire to repeat any of it, including this upcoming FET, but it took so much to get those embryos, I just can't destroy them without giving them a chance. Considering I've never been pregnant even for 5 minutes, I doubt it'll work anyway, but at least I can close that door with finality.
So, likely are kids will be more than 3-4 years apart by the time we can save up the money again and attempt #2.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
I honestly didn't think about #2 at all until my LO turned 2. I thoroughly just enjoyed him and he still felt so much like a baby until he was 2. Motherhood is the best, isn't it?
Now that he's getting close to 3, we're starting to put a plan into action. Main motivation is that we want him to have a sibling. I think we are both still happy with just one child, but know that it is an uphill battle to add to our family. We're doing some rounds of IVF now and if those don't work out, we'll start the adoption process later this year. I actually am researching agencies right now. :-)
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
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Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
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IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
I would love to adopt #2 right now. I think it would be nice - Zoe is 2 1/2 and she'd be close in age to her little brother/little sister.
It's going to have a wait a bit, though...we'll need to wait until I'm back to work so we can save up.
It must be a state thing... well, actually I don't know. After our first failed match we got two calls within 45 minutes (no exaggeration) from two seperate agencies/law offices saying we matched. Those two situations were in two different states and involved people in four states... and we were told we could match both. So, in that case four states said it was okay.
Who is saying "no"? Is it the agency that did your home study? I completely understand and agree with the reasons an agency would say no.... but as a family that has been through so much and is growing older, I can attest to being open minded about the what-ifs isn't a bad thing either. I know we've gotten the side-eye from people... maybe even people on this board... who knows. My feeling is that the adoption world is so uncertain yet time is very certain, you need to follow your heart and mind (mind acknowledging the obstacles of non traditional situations).
Prior to our issues with IF, I always thought I wanted four kids. Then as it got to be longer and longer that we were trying for a family, I decided that three would be a good number (because I figured that would be all we could fit in without parenting small kids well into our 50s). Now that we are actually parents, I've realized that I'm not cut out to be a mom to a large brood. I've never been a high energy person, and chaos stresses me out (unlike my sister, who is pregnant with her third and thrives on kiddo chaos). That combined with the fact that DH and I aren't getting any younger (I am 33, he is 37) means that I think we'll only have two. We for SURE want our son to have a sibling, and I think next summer, when he's 2.5, we'll be ready to throw our hat back into the adoption ring.
For now, the thought of having a second baby is completely overwhelming to me. Every once in a while, I will catch myself day dreaming about snuggling a newborn again, but the reality is that I am loving just being a mama to one for the moment, and he takes 100% of what I have to give for the time being.
We always wanted 2-3 children. During our first adoption process, neither of us could imagine going through it again anytime soon, but sitting there in the orphanage, playing with and getting to know the kids...it just struck me right then an there. I had to adopt another Peruvian child.
We had a rough transition with M. We brought him home in July, and it wasn't until December that I felt like I could think about moving onto another adoption. We knew we weren't ready, but it took us 2.5 years to bring M home, and we decided it was best to start the process sooner rather than wait. Well, actually, what we decided was that we could wait if we were just going to adopt "any" Peruvian child; if we were going to try to adopt J, we had to start the process as soon as possible. Our reasoning was that we didn't want J to age any more than necessary before we brought him home, and we didn't want to risk losing him to another family. If we were going to adopt a different child, we could start later and restrict our openess to younger children. But J had been in our hearts all along, and so we knew we had to start right away.
I think it is pretty normal whether someone has children biologically or through adoption to yearn/think about #2 but then also feel hesitation/over-whelmed with going 'through it all again'. I had mild post-adoption depression along with my body/hormones did not respond well to lack of sleep (my face literally twitched for about 3 months). I feel like this time around - I 'know' what to expect and am better prepared but ... of course there is that hesitation.
I think you'll just know when it is 'right' and feel it. Good luck!