Baby #2- when/if did you start considering?

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

I kinda feel like there's something wrong with me- like I'm broken. I love being E's mom- seriously it's my whole life. And I have gone from a shop-a-holic, Lexus SUV driving woman to a modest older paid off car driving, clearance shopping woman to be her mama full time. I wouldn't trade our time for the WORLD.

I think about baby #2 often. I pray for him/her. DH &I discuss if well do IF treatments or go straight to adopt. We discuss if well use an attorney, agency, or IA. I envision us being a larger family.

But holy hell, I can't even phantom having said baby right now. Maybe it comes from just spending a week in the hospital with E- but I can't even bring myself to thinking about #2 anytime soon.

So my long winded question- when did you decide to go for #2? (P.S. I know this is different for everyone- I'm just curious )

artletzler · March 2012

We don't even have baby #1 yet (matched & due in July), but we're talking about IF we can adopt a baby #2, when would we sign on, how would we want to go about it the second time around, will we even be able to bounce back financially enough to even consider #2. It'll be 18 months of active wait time / 2 years since we started the adoption process, so we sort of feel like IF we think we're going to have a #2 maybe we should start soon after we have #1 finalized. Crazy to even think about!

ellekae · March 2012

My sisters are 2.5 years older and younger than me, so that has always seemed "right" when it comes to spacing out kids. Any closer than 2 years, and my first reaction is "holy crap!" Any further apart than 3 years, and I think "aw, they're so far apart in age". That said, my older sister, being the smarty-pants she is, was 4 grades ahead of me, so the 2.5 year age difference pretty much felt like 4 years until we were well into our 20s.

DD is almost 1, so we're aiming for 2-4 years difference in age, if we stick with infant adoption. But, it's not in my hands

You're not too crazy to start thinking about it now! With adoption and with the uncertainty of IF, you have to plan way ahead.

Jenn is Silly · March 2012

ellekae:
You're not too crazy to start thinking about it now! With adoption and with the uncertainty of IF, you have to plan way ahead.

LOL- I meant we talk about how baby 2 will join our family, but that it won't be anytime soon- at all, and I'm wondering if that's weird. We've talked about waiting 5 years even! (there's 8 years between me and my sister and 13 between DH and BIL) so our views may be skewed?

slaintexas · March 2012

We always knew we wanted more than one child. Given that we got married in our mid-30's and it took a year (after approval) to get DD#1, we knew we needed to jump back in farily quickly. We began the application process when DD#1 was 9 months old and got approved when she was 11 months old.

I would have freaked if we had gotten a call in the first couple of months of waiting, but we knew the chances of that were slim. Lucikly we applied when we did - it took 20 months to match with DD#2.

Although the 20 month wait was really tough, in the end it worked out perfectly as the girls are just over 2.5 years apart.

bhead81 · March 2012

Jenn, I am right there with you. P and I talk about having LO too and right now the plan is to save for IF treatments/adoption and start seriously trying in the fall. If we were to get pregnant that would put B at least a year and a half old when we would have LO 2 and at least a year if we did adoption.

silliestbunny · March 2012

So much of what has been said already prompted us to do what we did... kept our file "active" while we adopted DD1.

Backstory- it took us 22 months, three failed matches, and a loss of lots of money to finally meet and adopt our sweet DD1. Based on what we knew--- it takes even longer to adopt a second child--- coupled with our age (late 30s) we decided to stay open to the possibility of a second so we revised our profile and added newborn pics of DD1 and kept it active. Lo and behold the unthinkable happened and we matched with DD2s birth mom when DD1 was just three and a half months old! (She said she loved us for many reasons including how we looked as parents with DD1.) Matching quickly was not our plan... nor would I have chosen this path.... but we accepted the match and prayed it was the right decision for us. To be honest, though, I never thought the match would stick based on our past... 75% of our matches fell apart. Well things went well and she was placed at birth with us. Our girls are 8 months apart... and thus far it really has been a great age spread. I know it's not natural but it's amazing how great the age spread has been for us.

I always wanted four children... I've thus revised my plans and know four isn't going to happen but three might. We do have a huge chunk of money with an agency in TX and a smaller chunk with an adoption center in CA. I also have a real yearning to pursue IA.... I am not sure if we'll pursue my dream of three (oh, boy... it's hard to settle on three... and not write four) but I do think we'll make a decision soon.

Back to you, Jenn.... here are the things I'd consider... Your ages and how old you want to be as a parent (there's not a right or wrong answer but my husband was adamant on not wanting to have a newborn much past 40), your dream of what your family would like like prior to IF (did you always think you'd have more than one? two? three?) and your willingness to chance it and throw caution to the wind (we knew we could end up with two very close in age but we really didn't think that would happen... ha!)

kgs0505 · March 2012

I have started thinking about #2 more and more since we finalized M's adoption in January. At first I thought maybe one and done, but I really want at least one more.

We also have 3 embryos on ice that need to be used up left over from IVF a few years ago. So, the first plan is to use up the snowbabies by July (I have a consult scheduled for the end of the month), and then after that, assuming it won't work, we will start saving for adoption #2. But IF treatments beyond using up what we already have is off the table. I have no desire to repeat any of it, including this upcoming FET, but it took so much to get those embryos, I just can't destroy them without giving them a chance. Considering I've never been pregnant even for 5 minutes, I doubt it'll work anyway, but at least I can close that door with finality.

So, likely are kids will be more than 3-4 years apart by the time we can save up the money again and attempt #2.

kmkaull2 · March 2012

I honestly didn't think about #2 at all until my LO turned 2. I thoroughly just enjoyed him and he still felt so much like a baby until he was 2. Motherhood is the best, isn't it?

Now that he's getting close to 3, we're starting to put a plan into action. Main motivation is that we want him to have a sibling. I think we are both still happy with just one child, but know that it is an uphill battle to add to our family. We're doing some rounds of IVF now and if those don't work out, we'll start the adoption process later this year. I actually am researching agencies right now. :-)

jaartlvr · March 2012

silliest - i have a question based on your experience. as back story, we have been active for not quite a year, but it's been a doozie. we've had two failed matches and have significant monies tied up with one agency. now we are matched with a birth mom (different agency) who's due in july. we would love to stay active and just keep going - for exactly the same reasons you did. but we can't - our state won't let us adopt again until the first is finalized, and at least one agency we've worked with said they won't let us stay active while we're matched elsewhere. i know it's a total long shot that things would work out the way they did for you guys, but we are anticipating it taking even longer next time...how did it work for you that you were able to stay active? is it a state by state thing?

sw_in_kc · March 2012

We plan to use the same agency and start the process again around DD's 2nd birthday.

inlovewithB · March 2012

At first I thought we would wait until DD was old enough to ask for a sibling, but that all changed a week ago. Our agency contacted me about a baby who had been born 2 days prior and needed parents. We aren't financially ready at the moment and so I helped the agency find adoptive parents that met the BM's desires. That event was pretty emotional and caused my DH and I do discuss LO #2. Once DD's adoption is finalized and we have recovered financially we will update our profile and get back on the "wait list" with our agency. We are thinking this will take about 6 months which would mean DD will be 9 months when we start the process again.

Art Teacher · March 2012

I would love to adopt #2 right now. I think it would be nice - Zoe is 2 1/2 and she'd be close in age to her little brother/little sister.

It's going to have a wait a bit, though...we'll need to wait until I'm back to work so we can save up.

silliestbunny · March 2012

jaartlvr:
silliest - i have a question based on your experience. as back story, we have been active for not quite a year, but it's been a doozie. we've had two failed matches and have significant monies tied up with one agency. now we are matched with a birth mom (different agency) who's due in july. we would love to stay active and just keep going - for exactly the same reasons you did. but we can't - our state won't let us adopt again until the first is finalized, and at least one agency we've worked with said they won't let us stay active while we're matched elsewhere. i know it's a total long shot that things would work out the way they did for you guys, but we are anticipating it taking even longer next time...how did it work for you that you were able to stay active? is it a state by state thing?

It must be a state thing... well, actually I don't know. After our first failed match we got two calls within 45 minutes (no exaggeration) from two seperate agencies/law offices saying we matched. Those two situations were in two different states and involved people in four states... and we were told we could match both. So, in that case four states said it was okay.

Who is saying "no"? Is it the agency that did your home study? I completely understand and agree with the reasons an agency would say no.... but as a family that has been through so much and is growing older, I can attest to being open minded about the what-ifs isn't a bad thing either. I know we've gotten the side-eye from people... maybe even people on this board... who knows. My feeling is that the adoption world is so uncertain yet time is very certain, you need to follow your heart and mind (mind acknowledging the obstacles of non traditional situations).

farmweddinggirl · March 2012

Prior to our issues with IF, I always thought I wanted four kids. Then as it got to be longer and longer that we were trying for a family, I decided that three would be a good number (because I figured that would be all we could fit in without parenting small kids well into our 50s). Now that we are actually parents, I've realized that I'm not cut out to be a mom to a large brood. I've never been a high energy person, and chaos stresses me out (unlike my sister, who is pregnant with her third and thrives on kiddo chaos). That combined with the fact that DH and I aren't getting any younger (I am 33, he is 37) means that I think we'll only have two. We for SURE want our son to have a sibling, and I think next summer, when he's 2.5, we'll be ready to throw our hat back into the adoption ring.

For now, the thought of having a second baby is completely overwhelming to me. Every once in a while, I will catch myself day dreaming about snuggling a newborn again, but the reality is that I am loving just being a mama to one for the moment, and he takes 100% of what I have to give for the time being.

CaptainSerious · March 2012

We always wanted 2-3 children. During our first adoption process, neither of us could imagine going through it again anytime soon, but sitting there in the orphanage, playing with and getting to know the kids...it just struck me right then an there. I had to adopt another Peruvian child.

We had a rough transition with M. We brought him home in July, and it wasn't until December that I felt like I could think about moving onto another adoption. We knew we weren't ready, but it took us 2.5 years to bring M home, and we decided it was best to start the process sooner rather than wait. Well, actually, what we decided was that we could wait if we were just going to adopt "any" Peruvian child; if we were going to try to adopt J, we had to start the process as soon as possible. Our reasoning was that we didn't want J to age any more than necessary before we brought him home, and we didn't want to risk losing him to another family. If we were going to adopt a different child, we could start later and restrict our openess to younger children. But J had been in our hearts all along, and so we knew we had to start right away.

jaartlvr · March 2012

i do think it's a state thing - yes, it's our home study sw who told me that (but i think i may remember our attorney mentioning it, too). i agree with your sentiments completely - i'm 39 and dh is 41. we are hopeful that this match goes through, but even if it does it will be early next year (at soonest - finalization can't happen for 6 months after birth) before we can even start the process again. i wish we had the chance to just stay active and see what happens!!! but we'll just have to get the ball rolling as soon as we can and hope it doesn't take forever.

jaartlvr · March 2012

above is a reply to silliest...i tried to figure out how to do the quote thing but it didn't work!!

Go_Dawgs · March 2012

We initially said we'd start the process when our son turns 2, but that is in two months and we're just not prepared for another even though part of us both wants another pretty soon. It's possible we'll start the adoption process again when he's 2.5, but I think it's more likely that we'll wait until he's 3.

jacksjerseygirl · March 2012

When DS was 2 we started discussing it and we announced to extended family/friends via our Christmas card this year that we plan to add a new member to our family in the coming year. DS turns 3 in about a month - we have all required documents and backgrounds done and will start the meetings with caseworker in May with the plans of going 'active' with our agency in August.

I think it is pretty normal whether someone has children biologically or through adoption to yearn/think about #2 but then also feel hesitation/over-whelmed with going 'through it all again'. I had mild post-adoption depression along with my body/hormones did not respond well to lack of sleep (my face literally twitched for about 3 months). I feel like this time around - I 'know' what to expect and am better prepared but ... of course there is that hesitation.

I think you'll just know when it is 'right' and feel it. Good luck!

Baby #2- when/if did you start considering?

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