A More Detailed Update

panacea05 · March 2012

This morning, I thought the worst thing that could happen would be finding out that my baby's heart had stopped beating.

No, the worst thing that could happen would be learning that my poor baby is hanging on for dear life and wants to keep growing and survive--but its heart is too sick to let it. My body wants to stay pregnant, because LO's heart is still technically beating, just not properly.

The ultrasound tech showed me the heartbeat. It would beat rapidly for a few seconds, then completely stop for 10 seconds, then beat rapidly again, and so on. The doctor diagnosed LO with complete heart block and zero chance of survival. She said this most likely means I have lupus. WTF. How do I have lupus and not even know it? She ordered blood work to confirm. Does anybody have any experience with complete heart block or lupus? I'm trying to stay away from Dr. Google.

So, now, I'm waiting for my baby's heart to stop beating, so I can schedule a D&C and get some testing done. I go in Monday for another ultrasound to see if it's over. I never thought in a million years that I would be praying for my LO to give up, but that's the position I've been put in.

I was crazy to think that this wouldn't hurt so much the second time around. Now, not only am I grieving the loss of one baby, but I'm grieving the loss of two babies--and wondering if something is seriously wrong with me that will keep me from ever holding a baby in my arms. I feel robbed, defeated, and absolutely shattered.

I will remember March 16, 2012 as the day I learned what pain is.

kmgordo · March 2012

I am so so sorry you are going through this. :-( this brought me to tears. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that you get some answers about the possible lupus diagnosis and hope to see you back on this board soon.

CnAnA · March 2012

oh god sweetie.

i have no words. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling right now. all i can say is i am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

Jered&Gena · March 2012

I am so sorry. Your r in my T&P.

hopingwaiting · March 2012

I am so very sorry.

pumpkinhead4 · March 2012

Your update moved me to tears. I am so, so, so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You are right, it does hurt the 2nd time around. I am glad your doctor has ordered a test to see what's going on. But please, don't give up hope. All of the women that are on this board are proof that it CAN happen for you, myself included. Hang in there. Prayers and peace to you. If you need anything, I am here for you.

texasmeg1 · March 2012

I am so so sorry to hear about your LO

What a fighter! I pray that your LO goes peacefully and that you find peace as well. Multiple losses is soooo tough, but just know you are not alone. I hope you are able to find answers. ((BIG HUGS))

sutherlandjn · March 2012

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

keiral · March 2012

I'm so sorry and can't even imagine how you must feel. Your situation is absolutely heart wrenching. T&P's to you and your DH.

ToiKenne · March 2012

My heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry for your loss.

7peasinapod · March 2012

I am so sorry for you and your DH. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. Don't lose hope; we're all praying that we'll see you on this board again.

StephRN23 · March 2012

I'm sorry I have no experience with either. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry you are going through this! ((HUGE HUGS))

SoCoGirl · March 2012

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.

adoxyinherear · March 2012

I know that there is nothing I can say to help you feel any better about this situation. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.

KacyChicago · March 2012

Oh sweetheart ... I am just so devastated for you. I had wished for such great news and I can not believe this is how things are turning out for you and your husband. I know your heart is hurting, and that there is nothing I can say to take any of the pain away. But just know how much I am thinking about you.

I know how hard it is to lose one baby, but I can not imagine losing two either. But know if your worst fears are confirmed, and it is indeed lupus that is causing your losses, it doesn't mean that you won't eventually have healthy babies. Once the disease is in remission, you will be able to get pregnant again. I have a good friend with lupus, so know I know a little about how scared you are. But please, please don't give up.

I am thinking of your little one, and hope he is not in any pain. I hope that your body will recognize that this isn't a viable pregnancy before Monday, because it breaks my heart that you will now have to go through a D&C as well. Hopefully testing will provide answers though.

Y'all are in my thoughts and prayers, and your babies will always be remembered by me.

All my best to you.

KJohnson826 · March 2012

Oh honey, I am so, so, so sorry, and that is an understatement. I am heartbroken for you. This is so unfair! All I can offer is my thoughts, and prayers and virtual hugs. Crying

Again, I am deeply sorry. BIG (((HUGS)))

briast20 · March 2012

I am so sorry that you're going through this. I am heartbroken for you. Many, many T&P for strength and comfort for you in the coming days. ((Hugs))

JulySpark05 · March 2012

I am so sorry this is happening to you and that you have to go through another loss! It is heartbreaking and so not fair! You will be in my T&P's.

LottaLattes · March 2012

I'm so sorry sweetie. I was in limbo with my second loss from a low heart rate and I know how awful it is to have to wait until it finally stops. I am sorry you didn't have a better outcome, and I hope your heart heals as best as possible. My LO had long pauses between his or her little heart beats and I don't have lupus so I'm not sure if that is helpful.

krysiahamaty · March 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs.

mags08.06.05 · March 2012

Again, I am so sorry. I hope you get answers. It is terribly unfair to have to go through it once, let alone twice.

mrsgaines100 · March 2012

I am SO very sorry honey, I will be praying for you.

dnhosking · March 2012

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Many Ts and P's to you. I hope you get some answers from this. My heart is broken for you.

jaimerz1025 · March 2012

I am so sorry you're going through this. T&PS for you and ((big hugs)). I don't know much about lupus but I do know my friend's mom has it and also has three healthy children...don't give up hope!

wed2be · March 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. Thuoughts and prayers to you.

Medic99 · March 2012

I am so so sorry!! I don't have the words to express how sorry I am that this is happening. I will keep you in my prayers! I pray that you will find some peace and comfort. We are all here if you need to talk.

benoitfan · March 2012

I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I hope that whatever is going on here, it is treatable and that you will be able to have a rainbow baby some day soon. T&P for you and your lo.

RedRose84 · March 2012

I'm so incredibly sorry. My heart breaks for you. I sent you a private message. I wish I lived nearby so I could come and give you some big hugs. **Hugs**

CTA7 · March 2012

I'm so so sorry, Panacea. The news is devastating. It is so unfair. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby.

lebongo · March 2012

this brought tears to my eyes... I'm so sorry you're going through this. There are no words I can think of totry to bring some comfort. Just know that I'll be praying for you, DH and LO.

Cubskers · March 2012

I am heartbroken to read this. I was hoping for such great things for this LO. I know that no one can take away your pain. But, please know there are lots of us in your corner. You and your DH will be in my T&Ps. ((hugs))

noah-bear · March 2012

I am so very sorry this is happening. I hope that you get answers from the bloodwork that bring a solution to help you have a LO in your arms soon.

Petunia844 · March 2012

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how scared you must be for your LO and yourself. It may not be of much comfort now, but one of my dearest friends has lupus, she went through treatment and has been in remission for over 10 years now, since her treatment she has had two beautiful children who are both thriving. I hope that you do not find out that you do have it, but I just wanted to offer you hope, that if you do, that doesn't mean you won't ever have children. Big huge hugs, I wish I could offer you more.

LEP424 · March 2012

My heart aches for you. Please know that my prayers are with you, DH and your LO.

cmumama · March 2012

Sad

Oh my goodness...I can't even imagine. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. I will keep you in my T&Ps. ((hugs!))

LilyGrad09 · March 2012

My heart is breaking for you. Im sorry for what you are going through ((hugs))

AngnShaun · March 2012

I am so so sorry.. (I am lupus sensitive, but do not actually have it) i honestly dont know what your treatment would be... {{HUGS}}

mrsgaines100 · March 2012

I have some info when/if you feel you are ready.

mlcarpe · March 2012

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Reading your story brought me to tears as well; it's so unfair that anyone should have to go through one, nevermind multiple losses. As others have said, I hope you are at least able to get answers from this experience and, in the end, a take-home baby. My thoughts are with you and your DH at this difficult time.