How to you avoid "losing yourself"?

Rinny22 · March 2012

Background: We decided long before having kids that it was really important for me to SAH...I worked my butt of to get through grad school and worked for a little over a year in my profession at job I loved before getting pregnant with DS but once he was born I left. DS is 14 months, and to still make a little income I watch a 10 month old 40 hours/week. I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with baby #2.

I don't know if it's hormones, lack of sleep, or what but lately I am really struggling with feeling like I am nobody...I feed babies, change diapers, get kids to nap, clean up the house, balance our budget, pay bills...basically take care of everyone and everything, but I feel so invisible sometimes...I feel like I'm losing myself in my role as a mom.

Can anyone relate? How do you manage to retain feeling like the unique person you are in the midst of staying home?

alli2672 · March 2012

YES! I can absolutely relate. I googled "SAHM" and "depression" one time, and the first page of results was all about how mom's could help prevent depression in other people. Like the mom herself was completely see-through.

I don't have a ton of suggestions. I work PT now, have a good group of friends, and DH has gotten past a phase in his work where he was just being a jerk. All of that helps.

Baby_Bunny_Hopeful · March 2012

I think we all go through phases like that... it comes and goes, personally with me.

I think it's important to make time for YOU- whether that's a cup of coffee when LOs are watching Sesame Street... reading a book before bed... getting a monthly massage or pedicure... whatever!

It really helps to have other SAHM friends- I have one in particular and we take the kids out a few times a week and get some "grown up talk" while taking walks with them in their strollers (after we tire them out at the park playground! haha)

Sometimes it seems like all I do is cook, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, organize, clean some more.... and while it goes unnoticed most of the time- I know DH knows that if I didn't do it- it wouldn't get done... and he appreciates that.

Unfortunately, being a SAHM often means going under-complimented... underappreciated... and sometimes gives us a sense of "who am I? what am I doing?"... but then I look at DS and know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have the most REWARDING "job" and responsibility there is- being his mommy and taking care of him!!

It's a dirty job sometimes... but someone's gotta do it. I feel lucky to be blessed with the opportunity to be home with DS (and future LOs)- and try to keep busy so I don't feel like I am in a "rut" (which is difficult in the winter, that's for sure!)

jw87 · March 2012

I have a photography business that is very part-time, usually a dozen weddings a year... but it helps some. I also blog about things that are going on in our life, so i feel like that is a part of me too. I recently also went out of my way to find other Moms with kids the same age as mine.

And today, I was away from DS for seriously two hours and when I went to get him I was so happy because I missed him so much, and it made me really appreciate the fact that I get to be with him so often that just messily two hours made my heart ache for him. Being a Mom is a huge part of who I am... it's bigger than anything.

I think it's easy to feel isolated and depressed staying at home, you really have to put yourself out there.

Rinny22 · March 2012

Yeah, I suppose it's just part of the up's and down's on staying home. I have a great group of "mom friends" that I get together with for playdates and trips to the park and all that. BUT, again it's always revolving around our kids, which I know is just the stage of life we're in....but sometimes it's overwhelming.

I don't at all regret my decision to stay home. I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to be around for all the in's and out's of my DS's daily routine. It's just somehow I feel like I'm "H's mommy" and not "Rinny" or that that's how other's see me anyhow...sigh...I hope this is just a phase, but it really feels crappy!

adiddy33 · March 2012

I went through the same exact thing. Worked hard to get a master's and the job I wanted but can't imagine leaving my son when I don't need to. It was very hard at first. What I ended up doing in my situation (sort of happened overnight) is hearing about a new profession I could do from home. So I went to school for a year and have something else to focus on that fits me even better. I'll really be combining all of my schooling so I don't feel like it's a waste. I mean nothing is really a waste but it can feel like it. I'm taking my sweet time with another on the way but having this to focus on and a plan for the future is what made a big difference.

LynsiBHM · March 2012

Absolutely! I'm sure most of us have had those moments, days, weeks, years....

At this point, your LO (and the child you watch and your future LO) are very needy (age-wise.) You no doubt feel like you're being tugged in a million directions at once and have nothing left once everyone's asleep. You just have to remember that you made this decision (to be a mom, and a SAHM and a DCP) for a reason. You are doing a very important job. And it's worth it. This needy phase will get better and you'll be able to sit back and enjoy it a bit more (or at least this is what I tell myself) Stick out tongue

In any spare minutes that you have, do what you love- craft, talk to a friend, dance, read, work out, listen to music, shop, whatever makes you feel like YOU. But just becuase your day to day life has changed, doesn't mean that YOU are lost. KWIM? You'll always be you- you just don't have as much time now! GL!!

rab41380 · March 2012

I know the feeling...I also worked really hard in grad school and had a great career. My dilemma was that I was so wrapped up in my career that I did not have time to raise my family like I wanted to, and I remind myself that whenever I feel like I am losing myself. I want to be home to raise the family until the time is right to go back to work, and then I know I will be back to "me." Meanwhile the last three years I have been working on my fitness, cooking, teaching my children everything, and just enjoying life. I try to get out of the house a lot, and stay on schedule so I dont feel lazy...I know being pregnant can make it harder to get through those moments too, GL you will be feeling better as soon as #2 comes!

GirlsOwnLove · March 2012

I know the feeling you're talking about, but have yet to find a way to settle this feeling. There's a lot of good advice in this post, and I'll have to try some of it. I just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone.

jat11 · March 2012

u are totally not alone in this feeling. i just recently started reading this board..and it has helped me not feel alone. i too went to college and i always figured id be working in some "important" career. i feel like i'm nobody alot lately...my LO is only 4 mo and i plan on going back to work sumtime..i think in my case, it would make me a better mom. idk...i know i will miss my lil fella so much when i do tho.

maybe u could try small steps like a lunch date w/ a girl friend...or going to get a mani or pedi..take a 1 hour art class or sumthing like that, that ur interested in..

littlemermaid · March 2012

I am sure everyone has felt this way at time or another. The key is to make time for yourself. If you had hobbies you enjoyed prior to kids, start them up again. Make sure you and your husband are spending time together without the children. Make sure you are keeping in contact with your girlfriends and making the time to go to lunch or dinner with them. Yes you may need have to hire a sitter if you don't have family nearby but it is well worth it to keep you feeling whole.

wifeandmama · March 2012

YOu have to make time for yourself and to do things you enjoy! I love baking so I do that often and involve my kids... it's a lot of fun for all of us and I get to do something that makes me happy while entertaining them and creating memories. I also get up early and run 4 days a week... it's MY thing alone and it's great to get up and out early without kids. How about going to lunch on the weekend with a girlfriend? I go out to lunch with my female family members quite often and it's a nice break.. or dinner out with your mom friends, no kids!

Mom2Mack1 · March 2012

YES, I feel this way too. It does seem to come and go. Especially now that I'm pregnant and just don't want to do anything I def feel like I'm losing myself. I'm sure it will get worse once #2 comes.

This is our last child so once LO is here I am going to focus on me. I really want to get a part-time job, even if it is waittressing evenings, I don't care. I was also thinking about joining a gym with daycare so I can get some time to myself. I feel like having 2 kids close together they are my priority now but I want to make myself a priority too. I want them to look up to me, and not just be their caregiver.

Dochas · March 2012

Instead of focusing on what I gave up, or what else I could be doing I look at this as my choice. I didn't "lose myself" as a Compliance Officer - why do I "lose myself" as a SAHM?

JenWhite123 · March 2012

A few things that help me:

My faith. I know that God has entrusted me with my DD for only a short period of time. I want to cherish every moment. Prayer helps me.

Regular outings. Every Wed I go to a Mom's Bible Study (DD goes too, we have a sitter). Every Thurs night I leave DD w/ DH while I go to a Women's Bible Study. I have lunch with friends at least 2 times a month. I also have a dinner w/ friends about every other month. I'm usually the "organizer" of the group. I don't mind organizing all of these things if it means I get out of the house.

Go out when the kids are asleep. After DD goes to bed, I go shopping, even if it's just to the grocery store or Walmart to get out.

hayleydeee · March 2012

I feel that way too, especially right now with 2 babies. It's hard to go from having your own career, education and social life to being a caregiver 24/7.

What helps me the most is doing stuff without the kids. Playgroups are great, but nothing beats time with friends without kids around. Also I love to be creative. Taking an art class and allowing myself time for creative projects helps me feel better.

NJLH · March 2012

I've been feeling very lost lately. I miss my career a lot. I've applied for a bunch of freelance jobs, none of which have responded to me at all. I feel like my life revolves around driving to preschool, storytimes, etc. I love spending the day with my girls but would like to find something for myself too.

Vixey529 · March 2012

jw87:

And today, I was away from DS for seriously two hours and when I went to get him I was so happy because I missed him so much, and it made me really appreciate the fact that I get to be with him so often that just messily two hours made my heart ache for him. Being a Mom is a huge part of who I am... it's bigger than anything.

This really resonated with me. Last week I went solo to a friend's wedding and it was a lot of fun. But I missed my DD and I was really happy to see her when I got home. Even if sometimes I feel like I need a little space - when I do get some, I find myself wanting to be back with those I'm taking my space from (DH or DD).

chardonnay24 · March 2012

Honestly, I have to just get out of the house. I posted something on 12-24 recently about this and almost every person who replied said that it is absolutely essential to take some time for yourself. I work PT during the tax season and volunteer during the tax season and I love it! I'm currently looking for another volunteer gig that I can do when tax season is over. On the advice of many posters, I also take time at night and on the weekend to go out by myself - shopping, coffee, library to catch up on reading, or just a quick pedicure. Also, make some time to hang out with your non-parent friends - without kids. My best friend and I decided to committ to spending one Friday every month doing something fun.